I’m done hearing people argue over whether Red Vines or Twizzlers is the better candy. I’ve known that Twizzlers were superior from the moment I spat out a mouthful of vile, waxy, red goo and my mom asked me, “What, you don’t like Red Vines?” The answer is no. I don’t like Red Vines. Twizzlers are so obviously better that it’s hard for me to believe that anyone could actually prefer chomping on the candy equivalent of a tree stump, but I understand that these people exist. And they need to be proven wrong. Let me break it down all nice and simple for you.
Twizzlers taste better.
Twizzlers come in a bunch of different flavors like strawberry, chocolate, cherry, and watermelon. Red Vines come in two flavors: red and black. The red version used to be called “raspberry vines” but now they’re just “red twist” flavored.
You know what else tastes “red”? Satan.
PicThx Jason Mercier
And we all know how the world feels about black licorice.
The standard length for both Twizzlers and Red Vines is a solid 8 inches, but Twizzlers also sells 9.5 inch Pull n’ Peels, plus the 2-foot “extra long” variety. That’s sixteen more inches of customer satisfaction.
Red Vines are trying to kill you.
Twizzlers never tried to feed anyone lead.
Red Vines are sold in giant four pound tubs.
Eating that much candy takes forever, and by the time you finish the tub, all the Red Vines inside are stale and hard enough to shatter every tooth in your skull.
PicThx Andrew Phelps
Twizzlers will save your relationships.
Twizzlers are soft, like pillows and puppies and clouds. If someone you love is having a bad day, handing them a Twizzler is like giving them a strawberry-scented hug.
PicThx to Ebay
If you try to comfort someone with a stale Red Vine, you’ll be turning their life into a Charlie Brown special.
Twizzlers love America.
This is strawberry-flavored patriotism at its finest.
PicThx Middle Aged Diva
Red Vines love Taylor Lautner.
This is a llama who starred in Twilight.
PicThx Jason Mecier
The choice is clear, people.
Celebrities hate Red Vines.
Let’s put this in perspective real quick: Ke$ha drinks her own urine and she still can’t stand the way Red Vines taste. Maybe she just doesn’t appreciate lead in her snack food . . . or maybe Red Vines taste worse than human piss.
Twizzlers are more educational.
Twizzlers motivate young children to learn about science because they’re delicious and sturdy enough to create a 3D model of the double helix that revolutionized the field of genetics.
Red Vines create octopus/spider hybrid bikinis and unleash them upon the world.
Final conclusion: Twizzlers win, Red Vines lose, everyone goes home happy.
This debate doesn’t have to end nasty. After all, if Red Vines didn’t exist, Twizzlers wouldn’t have any way to prove their superiority. I’m not trying to say you should change your personal preference if you really think that Red Vines are better than Twizzlers. I’m just letting you know that you’re wrong.