Why Twizzlers Are — And Always Will Be — Better Than Red Vines

twizzlers vs red vines

I’m done hearing people argue over whether Red Vines or Twizzlers is the better candy. I’ve known that Twizzlers were superior from the moment I spat out a mouthful of vile, waxy, red goo and my mom asked me, “What, you don’t like Red Vines?” The answer is no. I don’t like Red Vines. Twizzlers are so obviously better that it’s hard for me to believe that anyone could actually prefer chomping on the candy equivalent of a tree stump, but I understand that these people exist. And they need to be proven wrong.  Let me break it down all nice and simple for you.



Twizzlers taste better.

Twizzlers come in a bunch of different flavors like strawberry, chocolate, cherry, and watermelon. Red Vines come in two flavors: red and black. The red version used to be called “raspberry vines” but now they’re just “red twist” flavored.

You know what else tastes “red”? Satan.


PicThx Jason Mercier


And we all know how the world feels about black licorice.



Size matters.

The standard length for both Twizzlers and Red Vines is a solid 8 inches, but Twizzlers also sells 9.5 inch Pull n’ Peels, plus the 2-foot “extra long” variety. That’s sixteen more inches of customer satisfaction.


PicThx HDWallpaper


Red Vines are trying to kill you.

Twizzlers never tried to feed anyone lead.

licoricePicThx CBS


Red Vines are sold in giant four pound tubs.

Eating that much candy takes forever, and by the time you finish the tub, all the Red Vines inside are stale and hard enough to shatter every tooth in your skull.


PicThx Andrew Phelps


Twizzlers will save your relationships.

Twizzlers are soft, like pillows and puppies and clouds. If someone you love is having a bad day, handing them a Twizzler is like giving them a strawberry-scented hug.

teddybearPicThx to Ebay


If you try to comfort someone with a stale Red Vine, you’ll be turning their life into a Charlie Brown special.

CBPicThx Tumblr


Twizzlers love America.

This is strawberry-flavored patriotism at its finest.

LibertyPicThx Middle Aged Diva


Red Vines love Taylor Lautner.

This is a llama who starred in Twilight.

taylor lautnerPicThx Jason Mecier

The choice is clear, people.


Celebrities hate Red Vines.

Screen Shot 2013-03-07 at 4.59.09 PMPicThnx Twitter

Let’s put this in perspective real quick: Ke$ha drinks her own urine and she still can’t stand the way Red Vines taste. Maybe she just doesn’t appreciate lead in her snack food . . . or maybe Red Vines taste worse than human piss.

Twizzlers are more educational.

Twizzlers motivate young children to learn about science because they’re delicious and sturdy enough to create a 3D model of the double helix that revolutionized the field of genetics.

DNA PicThx Jdwow


Also, THIS:

Red Vines create octopus/spider hybrid bikinis and unleash them upon the world.


PicThx Jokeroo


Final conclusion: Twizzlers win, Red Vines lose, everyone goes home happy.

This debate doesn’t have to end nasty. After all, if Red Vines didn’t exist, Twizzlers wouldn’t have any way to prove their superiority. I’m not trying to say you should change your personal preference if you really think that Red Vines are better than Twizzlers. I’m just letting you know that you’re wrong.

Case closed.



PicThx chzbgr, Header PicThx thesweetesttemptations

By Writer

Welcome to Foodbeast!

27 replies on “Why Twizzlers Are — And Always Will Be — Better Than Red Vines”

I got a package of extra long strawberries twizzlers as a stocking stuffer. Now that they’ve been open for awhile, they taste like plastic. They would have been fine if bought before expiration date.

Who said he had a website? You need a website to criticize articles like this? Let me answer that for you: No, you don’t. This is the same as telling someone to leave if they don’t like something, accusing someone of trolling (someone else did this), and ad hominem. All the tricks in the book are here.

Because it’s really really easy to be critical of someone else when you don’t do what they do at all.

Also, do not lecture me on “netiquette” when it’s considered rude to reply to old threads in an attempt to start arguments.

Never said it was. “nettiquite” should apply to the entire internet.

Would you rather have it phrased like this “Grow the fuck up and stop trying to stir up shit in a year old topic?”

But those who come to this website to read this crap, including me, have nothing better to do…just like the bored guy that wrote this article. This is similar to people who search youtube comment for someone to argue with.

Both have their merits. Beyond that, it’s subjective. Also, it’s not a bad article. There are articles written on a vast array of subjects, and if one doesn’t suit you, rather than comment on it, perhaps find an article to better suit your liking. Ok, maybe it’s a little much to put Taylor Lautner in a red candy twist essay.

i personally like red vines better bcause they have more flavor and redvines actullaly come in alot of flavors, but twizzlers come in more i think they are good too but i hate the chocolate ones.

Leave a Reply