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Which Alcoholic Apple Beverage Is Right For You?

Apple-based alcohol tends to be on the receiving end of gender-based insults, but few people appreciate the range of tenacity these drinks have. From the sweet and fizzy beers to the pricklier liquors, no matter your alcohol tolerance levels, there’s an alcoholic apple drink for you.

Apple Cider

Ciders rank pretty low on the totem pole for most seasoned alcoholics drinkers due to their shockingly low alcohol percentage and their unbearing sweetness

For people who normally drink: Apple Cider. You tried it once and that’s just what you drink now. Your first alcoholic beverage was probably a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and that’s okay. We all make mistakes.

What it tastes like: Apple juice and either an entire cup of sugar or cinnamon.

How to drink it: In a pint glass with a Fireball shot/floater.

Redd’s Apple Ale

Cheers to winning a square! #redsappleale #jackdaniels #perfectshot A photo posted by Christopher Fenko (@skeletongrin216) on


This cider-beer hybrid’s commercials have probably dissuaded you from ever trying it, but it actually strikes a decent balance between a cider and a beer. You get all the sweetness of a cider with all the inevitable gas from a beer.

For people who normally drink: Beers with low alcohol content or ciders with high alcohol content. Socially, its the most genderfluid drink to order.

What it tastes like: If sparkling apple cider was poured over a slice of bread and then squeezed out into your glass.

How to drink it: Alone and chilled, not cold. I can’t believe I’m saying this about a Miller product, but there are some nuances that shouldn’t be drowned out.

Any Craft Brewery’s Apple Pie Beer

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Your local brewery either already has one or is cooking up a new recipe right now, but it’s too weird to make squash-based beer.  

For people who normally drink: Craft beer, craft cocktails, and pumpkin spice lattes. You care about quality, but you’re not afraid

What it tastes like: A liquid pie with bubbles.

How to drink it: As is. Don’t let them see you messing with their baby brews!

Apple Schnapps


This German liquor brings out the sorority girl in all of us. The apples just want an invite to the party and they’re willing to get as sweet as possible to get past the door.

For people who normally drink: Cosmopolitans, Screwdrivers, and any other cocktail that doesn’t taste like it has as much hard liquor as it does. This is also a nice stepping stone for those weaning themselves off their apple cider dependency.

What it tastes like: Simple syrup with an artificial apple taste. Depending on the quality of the schnapps, you might be able to taste the gin, but don’t hold your breath.

How to drink it: An appletini or a completely off the wall craft cocktail is the best way to go about drinking apple schnapps if you’re the kind of person who dislikes entering a diabetic coma. 

Applejack

A photo posted by FILO Liquors (@filoliquors) on

This is the alcohol the founding fathers of America got turnt on. When apple cider was left outside during the winter, the alcohol was freeze distilled and became at least 300 percent stronger by spring.

For people who normally drink: Tropical rum drinks even outside of vacations and basic bitch brandy. You’re serious about everything else in a life and want something sweet that will burn your throat for the rest of the week.

What it tastes like:  Swallowing rum while your mouth is filled with hot, caramelized apple slices.

How to drink it: Sip it. This is not for shots. I repeat, THIS IS NOT FOR SHOTS.

Calvados

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“The French apple brandy so nice they distilled it twice” is definitely not the official tagline of any calvados brand, but it should be. As per usual with French liqueur, it’s only really calvados if it’s made in Lower Normandy. Considering the time and superior alcohol content put into distilling and aging calvados, I wouldn’t want any lazy apple brandies stealing my thunder either.

For people who normally drink: Spiced rum, woody red wines, top shelf brandy and really old scotch. You know how to pronounce everything on any five star restaurant’s menu.

What it tastes like: A woody brandy. The double distillation removes most of the original apple cider taste.

How to drink it: In a tiny thimble after Christmas dinner. If you’re drinking it in anything larger and on a regular basis, you might need an intervention. Mature calvados are deceptively smooth and need to be modestly consumed during special occasions.

By J. Fergus

J. is an overbearing pizza snob who loves putting as much sugar as possible in cupcakes and coffee. They eagerly awaits diabetes.

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