Since we fancy ourselves to be highly unprofessional advice givers when it comes to love, we here at Foodbeast present to you the ultimate guide to Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re taking the boo out to a swanky candlelight dinner or snuggling in your PJs while knee-deep in Chinese take-out, what you choose to do on that special night speaks volumes about the dynamics of your relationship.
So, in honor of bad chocolate and fat babies shooting arrows in the sky, here’s a comprehensive look into what your Valentine’s Day plans say about your relationship status.
The 5-star restaurant with $$$$ on Yelp
You looked up this place at least 2 weeks ahead of time and made sure it had a Yelp rating of at least 4 stars. You also double checked the reviews to make sure it wasn’t one of those fancy places where they charged $50 for a plate of soggy fettuccine but justified it by the fabulous ocean view. You’re definitely getting laid tonight. That, or you’re both 60 years old and hate each other.
“The Happiest Place on Earth”
Why are you on the teacup ride right now with a bunch of screaming 5 year olds? Oh, yeah, because your S/O is convinced that the churros here are super authentic and the 2-hour wait for “It’s a Small World” is a great time for both of you to beat each other’s single-digit Flappy Bird highscore. On the brightside, you successfully snuck in a handle of vodka — hello, Space Mountain!
Netflix and Chinese Food Night
You’ve been together for at least 3 years and you both know what’s up. You’d rather throw on Ocean’s Eleven and order take-out from your favorite Chinese spot. You’re also the couple that farts around each other and hold contests on who can let one go the loudest. Ew.
The Buffer Group Date
You literally met each other last night but didn’t want to be forever alone, so you invited your friends as a buffer in case your date turned out to be psycho who owns 20 cats. Now you’re awkwardly standing next to each other at a loud dive bar and debating if you should hold hands or not.
The “Surprise” Picnic
You’re either a modern day Casanova who makes bomb tuna sandwiches or you just wanted an excuse to play “Such Great Heights” on the guitar while you both boozed up on two buck chuck.
The Overpriced Gastropub
You wanted to do something “different” for Valentine’s Day. At first you considered sky diving but after you came to your senses, you figured an edgy gastropub would be the next best thing. Now, you’re both nibbling on overpriced truffle fries and feeling super “hip.”
The Mini Golf Date That Precedes First Base
You’re in high school and you have a curfew at 10 pm. That, or you both just really love greasy arcade pizza and you definitely can’t be mad at that.
The Romantic Dinner at Home
You’re a romantic and after watching a few episodes of Iron Chef thought, “Shoot, I could do that.” Now you’re covered in spaghetti sauce and trying to throw in jalapenos for “taste.” It might not be edible, but gosh, aren’t you two the cutest?
The “I Thought You Didn’t Want to Do Anything” Date
You’re the chump who listened to your S/O when they said they “Didn’t feel like doing anything for Valentine’s Day.” You fell for the trap and now you’re alone eating SpaghettiOs and drinking sad beer tears.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day/Singles Awareness Party
You’re single and wanted to show all your friends in relationships what a poor life decision they made. So, you’re throwing a Pinterest-worthy party and only inviting your single friends. There will be strong martinis and you’ll be Instagramming the whole time to make everyone else jealous.
The McDonald’s Date
You did this for Valentine’s Day. Strangely enough, you are now single.
Date photography by Marc Kharrat, 5-Star Restaurant Picthx malteeze