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Today I Learned – Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud

capn-cru

My whole life has just been shattered into a pile of stale cereal crumbs.

Seriously, guys. Your design team had one job. You couldn’t have at least gotten the old man’s uniform right? Now, adults and children alike are lamenting the fact that the cheery Santa Claus in a blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR. Yes, my fellow Foodbeasts, the “Cap’n” is really just  a “Commander” in disguise.

If you haven’t already, peep the photo above, and note the disparity between the stripes of a captain and those of a commander. Now check out the stripes on Cap’n Crunch’s wrists. One. Two. Three . . . Ugh.

Next you’re going to tell me that Tony the Tiger is really a cranky bald man in a cat suit, or something equally horrifying.

My only solace is that he goes by “Cap’n” Crunch instead of  “Captain.” Still, I’m a little heartbroken over here.

P.S

It’s most likely that the Cap’n only has three stripes because he’s a French “Capitaine de frégate” and they technically only have three yellow stripes. Although, that still translates to “Commander” in English . . . and doesn’t explain why he doesn’t speak a lick of le français.

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By Charisma Madarang

Charisma has an undying love for gritty literature and drinks coffee like water. She also hails from Toronto, Canada and is a die-hard Maple Leafs fan, sigh.

80 replies on “Today I Learned – Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud”

That’s because they aren’t allowed to use the exact image. Look at every movie about the military or involving the military. Every uniform that someone is wearing has something wrong with it.

No! No! You’re wrong about the French thing, probably because you’re too your to remember. Capn Crunch had a rival named Jean LeFoot. He was a French accented Captain who had terrible cereal that turned to mush when milk hit it. Later on, quaker did have a short-lived real cereal with Jean LeFoot as the mascot. Anyway, Capn Crunch and Jean LeFoot were CLEARLY enemies and not in the same navy. So there!

(But then again…you do have to wonder about this: Old grown men luring kids onto their ships with bowls of sweet cereal. Creepy!)

you are such a F A G number 1 I do not have a sister and number 2 you have to be a real man like my father unlike you we all know by your id name you love the POLE

if that’s what you think that means run with it. Your mom likes my pole and you might be one of my offspring. A test will tell my friend we all know how she was. I understand your anger cause I left your ugly azz when you were born. Now cry little girl.

first your id was littleyellowbusrider and then changed to sackscratcher well we all know why you changed it to sackscratcher giving everyone a hit hmmmmm
do you have your HOA President aka master and daddy permission to troll tonight?
I know you are full of it you are such a girly man

We all know you raped your dad and it was NOT the other way around. That is why he is no longer with us.

YOU ARE REALLY INTO FETISH SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED HELP
FORMER ID NAMES LITTLEYELLOWBUSRIDER, SACKSCRACHER AND NOW EATMYBU__TTOCKS, ALL HOMOSEXUAL FETISHES

if that is what you want to think then ride with it, maybe you want it to be that way so bad for a reason. I am not gay nor do I have a problem with them unlike you. You seem to have a big problem with them.

go ask your mom and sister if I am g_ay. I can show you the pictures of our gang bang if you would like. Your mom and sister had mucho fun.

you are g_ay it’s ok to come out of the closet your brutha Obama said so
no sister at all if you can read troll go ask your hoa president to solve all your fantasy’s other than his

names you have used such as sackscracher and now eatmybu_ttocks are symptoms

of the subconscious mind

psychology research shows on scientific fact that those who are pointing fingers of incest so on and so forth as you claim, are in fact guilty of the acts of homosexual incest

all signs of the sub conscience level please seek mental help for this and for you pms attacks sounds like also you are on the rag

jews can never be kkk, you are such an idiot
oh remember when I f-cked your ole lady infront of you as you cried begging her to stop she then flipped you off and told you off how small you really are and a big c-ck is fu-king her and even called you her little b!tch

is this what happened to you in prison, cry because your husband bubba gave you aids and when you were pimped out to you inbreed dad you got him infected

Allen Bennett is right…as a former Navy man myself I learned through the years that many commanders are called “captain” because they command a vessel or shore station. It is not only a rank but a position…and obviously Cap’n Crunch commands cereal like a boss even at the rank of commander!

Maybe they should start calling it “Skipper Crunch” instead of Cap’n? That said, he could command a boat as a Commander and would still be called Captain so he’s good to go. Morning meals returned to their former glory (let’s just hope he’s not faking a Purple Heart).

I thought stripes on one side of the arm was years in service each stripe being three years or something around there and the other arm was the amount of full deployments that’s what I was taught by a prior service navy seaman during my army basic training

Not for officers. But Mr. Crunch isn’t wearing anything close to a US Navy uniform, so it really doesn’t matter what rank he is, he’s not very important.

Captain is actually correct. At least in the traditional British system (not so sure on modern day), a Commander or ‘Master and Commander’ is also called a Captain. The next rank up is Post-Captain who were eligible to move up automatically in the navy list over time whereas a Master and Commander had to distinguish themselves and earn the Post-Captain promotion. So in either case Captain would be correct.

I think you’re missing the joke here. Have you not seen some of the classic arguments at the bar on “Cheers?” They’d argue about anything for laughs — which superhero would beat up the other, Wilma or Betty, etc.

I hate people that say that any time other people do something meticulous or creative. It’s like you’re just jealous. Or do you seriously work 18 hour days 7 days a week? I have to imagine you jack off at some point. Usually people that say this are far lazier and all this “too much time” is really a labor of love people make time for.

Hmm. bad form. At no time does he
claim to be a ranking officer. The stripes on the cuff of his tunic do
not prescribe him as an officer in any navy. Officers cuffs do not represent rank. Did you ever think that
he could be a captain of his own private vessel? At which point he could
be captain. Even though his cereal title is Cap’n. Which means he is
humbling himself before people deserving of such title. Also, he could
be a Commodore. Which is highest rank but also he could be the president
of a private yacht club. Which then he could colloquially be referred
to as Captain…or Cap’n. Do research, Charisma. You just publicly defamed a prized and treasured pop culture character.

Hmm. bad form. At no time does he
claim to be a ranking officer. The stripes on the cuff of his tunic do
not prescribe him as an officer in any navy. Did you ever stop to think that
he could be a captain of his own private vessel? At which point he would
be captain. Even though his cereal title is Cap’n. Which means he is
humbling himself before people deserving of such title. Also, he could
be a Commodore. Which is highest rank but also he could be the president
of a private yacht club. Which then he could colloquially be referred
to as Captain…or Cap’n. Do research, Charisma. You just publicly defamed a prized and treasured pop culture character. and stop deleting my comments.

last time I checked the stripes on the sleve was time in service ie. each stripe is 4 years of service. your example although true would go on the shoulder not the sleve. so Capt. Crunch could very well be a captian just one with less than 16 years of service

The joke is referring to US Navy stripes, four on the sleeve is a Captain. You’d see them on their dress uniform. The shoulder board also has the stripes. US Navy officers don’t wear anything to signify how many years they’ve served. Enlisted sailors have service stripes on their dress uniforms, but those are not full circles, they are more like slashes —> / <—- slanted stripe with one for each 4 years. Four years is more significant a marking period for enlisted anyway because it represents a full enlistment term. Officers don't really have the same thing with their commissions.

Well, your name isn’t a name, either. So maybe people who are named silly things like Charisma shouldn’t throw stones — not to mention you like the Leafs, and they suck.

Whomever is in charge of a U.S. Navy ship is called the Captain; you moron!

Its not only a rank in the Navy, its a position.

The highest ranking enlisted man (Boatwain’s Mate) could become Captain of a ship in the U.S. Navy
if there’s no officers on board after an attack. Even if there are officers, they’d have to
be a Line Officer so a medical doctor with the rank of Ensign wouldn’t even be able to
become the Captain.

There actually are Boatswain’s Mate captains in the Navy. Little harbor patrol boats used for Naval officer training are captained by BM chiefs and even first classes. They have speacially made smaller command pins than an officer captain wears.

Useless drama. Cap’n Crunch has never claimed to be a commissioned US Naval Officer so your argument is a moot point anyway. Your lack of knowledge of the laws and customs of the sea is quite telling.

Its BS that this ended up on CNN of all places.

He’s an f’ing cartoon character on a cereal box, who gives a rats ass. You know there’s a problem with society as a whole when they care more about this than what’s going on in the real world around them.

Too many people taking this too seriously. It’s just a joke. If you want to get super technical, he’s not even called a captain, he’s “Cap’n”, maybe it’s just a reference to his ridiculous hat.

who cares it is just a cereal, find something else worth wild to bitch about
if you want to be famous and name truly known then invent something save several peoples lives, fight for your country etc

I know your piece was written in humor but … You can be the rank of Lieutenant and still be a “Captain”. It’s not just a rank … it’s also a title.

Why are you assuming he’s a naval officer? The blue of his uniform looks more like the blue of the RCAF than a blue-black that navy types generally wear.

Assuming he’s Air Force, two stripes would mark him as a Captain; the three puts him at Lieutenant-Colonel. It’s possible they named the cereal after him when he was still subaltern to his current rank, and decided not to change the name (but updated the photo) upon his promotions.

Accusing this air-force hero of being a liar… for shame!

The rank is Capitaine as you stated BUT it doesn’t translate to commander it translates to Captain. The “Capitaine de Fregate” you translated is the French NAVY rank and it translate to “Captain of the Frigate.” Frigate is a class of a ship. Also Napoleon was Army so stop thinking of this as a navy theme, it’s designed after an old French Captain. Sad day when you can write and article bashing a company and have every fact in it wrong.

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