This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Man Steals 75 Chopsticks, Hides Them in His Pants


A Madison man, accused of trespassing in the Hong Kong Café, was found in a nearby McDonald’s last week with 75 chopsticks shoved down his pants after being searched by police.

The 60-year-old Michael Arms was allegedly trespassing in the Hong Kong Café, but by the time the police arrived, he had left, along with 75 chopsticks.  The police found him across the street at a McDonald’s. Although the owner had originally called the police because of trespassing, he was surprised to find out that the real crime was theft.

“The owner said the suspect was asked numerous times to leave since he was just hanging out and not dining,” said police spokesman Joel DeSpain. “He eventually sat down on the dining room floor in the middle of the restaurant, asking ‘Why are you hating on me?'”

“Why are you hating on me?” A great question posted by the alleged, to which I have a few questions of my own: Why steal 75 chopsticks? Don’t you need 76? What good does one chopstick do without its mate? I guess you could poke food. And since he was found in a McDonald’s, eating fries with a single chopstick can’t be that difficult. It’s at least easier than eating rice with only one chopstick, no matter how sticky the rice. And, a Big Mac eaten with a single chopstick immediately classes up the meal. It becomes Asian-American fusion, or a Big Mac hors d’oeuvre.

In the end, can we really fault a man for wanting upward food mobility? Yes, because this is why we can’t have nice things.

H/T LaCrosseTribune

By Joey Nargizian

Joey is the 2017 Chopped champion. He also runs for President in 2020. But right now he is just eating, writing and playing soccer (not all at once). Pretty amazing trajectory if you ask him.

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