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23 People on the ‘Fattest Thing’ They’ve Ever Done

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Once, I ate an entire package of Oreos, a pound of chocolate, and a half-eaten box of leftover carne asada fries while watching reruns of Bill Nye the Science Guy. It was a memorable summer.  Looking to recall such fond memories, the people of AskReddit were asked, “What’s the fattest thing you’ve ever done?”

The answers range from relatable, hilarious to downright Nobel Prize-worthy.

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Fetus Made Me Do It

Ate a package of poptarts after every meal for 9 months.

The fetus made me do it.

 

Because ‘MURICA

Dunking a Double Down sandwich in gravy and mashed potatoes.

 

Because Chocolate Sauce > Ranch

For me, it’s dipping pizza in a chocolate fountain… Surprisingly delicious

 

PIG SHOTS

A pig roast shot. You cook a pig and all the fat drips down into a catcher on the side of the big grill. Then people takes shots of the the warm juicy fat from the pig. PIG SHOTS!!!!!

 

Don’t Worry, We All Do It

I went to a carnival a few years back. They had deep fried butter there. I ate the whole damn thing. Then sat there for a while wallowing in my artery clogging shame.

 

Some Said It Couldn’t Be Done

Ordered 50 dollars off the dollar menu from McDonalds.

I have no excuse.

 

TL;DR: COOKIES

I was a resident assistant in college. I once baked cookies and a cake for my residents to grab up at the front desk. I pulled out the cookies first since it needed less time to bake than the cake. I accidentally ate the 36 mini chocolate chip cookies I had baked before I pulled the cake out of the oven the final time.

The cake took about an hour to bake, and each time, the middle kept on still being soggy cake batter. I finally deemed the cake to be a lost effort, and to avoid embarrassment from my residents and fellow RAs, I ate the cake so I wouldn’t be able to show off my horrid baking skills.

TL;DR: ate 36 mini-chocolate chip cookies and a cake by myself

 

Icing Hack

I haven’t had a birthday cake for the past decade. On my last birthday i decided i was going to buy my self a cake then eat the whole thing because cake.

The fattest thing i’ve done is had them write “Happy birthday kroon, We love you so very much” on the cake because it added more frosting.

Greasy-Burrito-Cover

I’m Sorry, Kids

I’m a recovering White Castle junkie, 2 years ago I went into a White Castle with the intention of bringing home some food for the family.

I ordered 20 doubles (no cheese) and a large seltzer. Got on the train and I couldn’t stand it, I had to eat some. 1 hour later I arrived at my station with a bag full of empty burger boxes.

My wife asked me if I brought any home for her and kids, I just hung my head in shame and said we were going to have to order out tonight, then I took a 8 hour nap.

Still don’t regret it, but glad I am at least 1 hour away from the nearest White Castle!

 

Why Fences Were Invented

The Manimal Challenge as seen on Man vs Food in Portland, ME. It involves an eight-patty onion-topped cheeseburger (known as the “Ochoburger”), two coleslaw-topped hot dogs, a side of crinkle-cut French fries, a soda, and a “Mother Futcher” milkshake (made with three scoops of butter pecan ice cream, milk, and Grandmother Futcher’s coffee cake) – all in under 20 minutes. The worst part was the soda as it was a Moxie which for those who have never had one is horrible (at least I found it to be).

Finished it with seconds to spare, got my tshirt, felt horrible, and then puked in some poor guy’s lawn who proceeded to scream about why does this always happen to his lawn.

 

Not Tonight Babe, Pizza

Said I didn’t want sex so I could eat more pizza.

 

Genius

One of my all time favorite desserts is to take chocolate DoubleStuf Oreos and dip them into chocolate pudding cups. Ah, my veins are constricting just thinking about it. 😀

 

Congratulations!

I ate a pound of bacon in one day

 

Sneaking Around

Okay I have the perfect story for this.

I told my wife I was going to the gym, but somehow I ended up going to Mcdonald’s instead.

I ate my cheeseburgers in a parking lot, and waited a little while until it seemed long enough for a workout.

When I got home, I poured water on my head and shirt to look like I had been sweating.

That is the absolute saddest and fattest thing I have ever done.

 

You Know You’ve Found Your Soulmate When…

Anniversary time. Wife and I walk four blocks down the hill to the House of Prime Rib. We gorge on meat meat meat meat meat meat meat. Oh yeah, there’s a salad and we eat that too. Groaning with pleasure, we waddle out of the restaurant. Look up the hill. We can see our apartment. I look at her. She looks at me. We hail a cab.

 

How to Do KBBQ Proper

Went to Korean bbq and ate for 4 hours. In my defense, it was KBBQ.

 

Perfect Logic

I ate half of a cake once when I should have only one piece. I was horrified and didn’t want anyone to know, so I finished the cake, baked a whole new one, forced myself to eat the one allowed piece.

Then I barfed in the middle of dinner.

edit: I have since had my stomach banded to keep myself from doing such a thing again. Now I can manage half a pear and then must stop eating.

 

She Wants You, Bro

I ate a $20 dinner for 2 at Chilis all by myself. My waitress said she was “impressed and disgusted”.

 

Louie Made Me Do It

I did what’s called a bang-bang. I ate at two completely separate restaurants, and had two full meals, back to back. I saw it on an episode of Louie and thought it would be fun to try. It was, but I’d never do it again. I gained eight pounds that day.

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No New Friends

Going back about seven years, height of depression, girlfriend was a complete psycho bitch, etc. One weekend, she was going to be out of town and I tried to organize a get together with some friends. We agreed on a Friday evening and I planned the most awesomest sexiest party there ever was.

I didn’t account for the fact that as they were all wifed and children’d up, every single one of them flaked the very day of the event. All with cuntbag excuses like “The child is ill” or “the wife has a headache” or “I forgot I have to wake up early tomorrow because wife’s parents are in town that evening and I have to buy some shoes” or some fuckbollocks. When the last one called, I didn’t even wait for the excuse – cue a bunch of texts about me being an asshole.

Shame. It would have been cool too! I had such great plans for the evening.

In a depressive rage, I still ordered enough pizza for 12 people with sides. I spent that Friday night with a bunch of beer, 8 large Dominos pizzas, some movies I’d bought but not got around to seeing and near on two 20x packs of Marlboro ciggies. I finished the evening by letting off about £200 worth of fireworks I’d bought for the occasion.

On the one hand, in a drunken manic depressive rage, fireworks appear way cooler! Especially when the guy you bought them from was a professional display dude and slid you a few rockets he really shouldn’t have! This is especially true when you’re at the stage of saying, “I shouldn’t have had that last pizza…” as in not “slice” of pizza.

Cue me at 2am, drunk in my back yard, finishing the last beer, really thinking… “As a person, I am fucked!”

I guess the morning after was also my epiphanic moment. I was 23 years old, it was 8am, I’d gotten no sleep, I was hurling up something chronic in the bathroom and some of it still resembled bits of pizza. This was when I decided that there was something majorly wrong with my life and I had to do something about it. I’d had some thoughts about that before, but the fattest thing I’ve ever done is certainly that. 8 pizzas, however many beers, 40 cigarettes… and fireworks.

 

BRB, Trying This

I once ate half a tub of ice cream with a tablespoon of Nutella spread accompanying every mouthful because I ran out of chocolate syrup. I later learnt of the nutritional content of Nutella, and realised that I must have ingested a week’s allowance of saturated fats in one sitting.

 

Zing!

My ex husband

 

Zero Fucks Given

At a carnival a few years back, I had deep fried butter. I shit you not, it was a stick of butter put in batter then deep fried with cinnamon and sugar. I wallowed in my artery clogging misery afterwards.

Edit: I’m getting a lot of people asking me more about this… To this day, I cringe at the thought of it. Apperantly they whip it then freeze it before dipping it in the batter so it doesn’t completely melt. Anyway, it was kinda like a overcooked biscuit coated in cinnamon and sugar with a whole stick of gooey butter on the inside. And when you take a bite, you can feel your cholesterol going through the roof and your arteries clogging. Not to mention the same and guilt you feel afterwards………… * To sum it up, if you can get past the guilt and the fact of eating DEEP FRIED FUCKING BUTTER, and give absolutely no fucks, it was supprisingly not to bad. I just couldn’t get over myself to enjoy it though.

By Charisma Madarang

Charisma has an undying love for gritty literature and drinks coffee like water. She also hails from Toronto, Canada and is a die-hard Maple Leafs fan, sigh.

24 replies on “23 People on the ‘Fattest Thing’ They’ve Ever Done”

“I ate a pound of bacon in one day” is no real accomplishment.

I once cooked a bacon roll by myself for dinner with 5 eggs. 1 lb cooked and crumbled, 2 lbs weaved into a comfy blanket of love, covered in 2 lbs of sausage, filled with Sweet Baby Rays and bacon salt, and the crumbled bacon.

Roll it up, cook it, slice it like sushi, repeat.

There’s a burger place called Spud’s (amazing) in Kutztown, PA that has a burger challenge where just the patty is 3 pounds, with it being around 5 in total once prepared. I ate that, but there must have been an entire raw onion sliced up on there and much of it fell off the burger. I wouldn’t win unless I ate the handfuls of leftover onion. I tried, and vomited, a lot. Then I got drunk an hour or two later. I’m a gross person.

Hmmm… well, I guess I could count the time I ate a whole medium mushroom pizza to myself. Needless to say I spent the rest of the evening curled up in a lifeless ball on the sofa.

I’d order two pizzas at little Caesars and eat them both then feel so bloated I could barely move. Once I ordered a bunch of Chinese take out and because it was only for me and there was so much I felt guilty and asked the guy if “we” could have extra cookies since there a “few of us.” Ha ha.

Back when I was married and terribly depressed, I would regularly eat an entire loaf of French bread dunked in French dressing, followed by a bowl of uncooked blueberry muffin batter. This was my “lunch” on many, many occasions. I’m not proud of it, but I certainly proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that eating raw egg in cake batter will not kill you. Take that, “science”!

I once crushed up an entire package of chips ahoy cookies into a large bowl, poured milk over them, and ate them like a bowl of cereal. It was like Cookie Crisp on amphetamines.

I shit you not, my mother used to make that for us for breakfast when we were out of cereal (back in the 70s, before moms went gluten free and organic). It’s fun to do with Oreos too – the filling gets kind of hard from the cold milk while the cookie part turns to mush, and the whole thing has like an oily feel to it.

Tony’s I-75 Restaurant in Birch Run, MI (outside of Frankenmuth area) is known for their huge portions of food. One year, after spending the previous day at the World Expo of Beer in Frankenmuth, my hangover demanded grease and a lot of it. I drove to Ton’y and had a BLT with 1lb of bacon on it and a gigantic banana split.

A few… I once ate an entire catering size cheesecake. Bought and ate a full birthday cake (even though it wasn’t my birthday). A couple of food challenges: a burger called The Beast (4 quarter pounders, 12 rashers of Bacon, 9 Sausages, 6 Hash Browns, 9 Onion Rings, 2 xl buns and a full block of cheese) and asked for dessert. The Tap-out Burrito plus dessert, at Luck Lust Liquor & Burn. There’s more but eating big is fairly normal for me. For the record I’m not overweight either.

In high school I worked as a cook in a combination KFC/Long John Silvers. One day, feeling bold, I took a bag of Long John’s fries and breaded them at the KFC original recipe table. This became so popular with the staff that I’d make a basket up every shift to just leave in the back for people to munch on during breaks. Served it with a side of KFC’s discontinued Zinger sauce. You’ll never know how good that was.

I’ve stopped at five restaurants for brunch, threw up, went for a full dinner, and then a midnight snack. This eat-puke-eat routine happened again twice the next day.

I’ve eaten five pork spareribs, a chicken quarter, and four sides at a barbecue joint. The next day I ate a plate of pulled pork, chicken livers, half a chicken, a peach cobbler, and a glass of buttermilk at another barbecue joint.

After the cashier at Honey Butter Fried Chicken asked me if I compete in eating after “smashing” six pieces of fried chicken plus sides, I said no and then went out for a huge burger down the street.

I’ve made seven food stops spontaneously on a stroll and then went home to finish a big dinner.

I ate two full meals and the waiter said that’s the first time she’s seen anyone actually done the job in the same sitting. Some time later I did it again, and this time, a different waiter responded the same way.

After eating five sections of bone marrow, I scraped the congealed beef fat at the bottom of the baking tray with bread. It was like candle wax.

I lick up every drop of oil and burnt bits from my plate and pan when I cook.

Believe it or not, I’m a skinny guy (high metabolism). I just do fat things all the time.

Wanted cake but had no one to party with. Went to bakery and pretended like I was ordering one for a party. Had them write Happy Birthday Max (who was my cat at the time) on it and wrapped it all up for me as I smiled with glee. I bought milk and then shamelessly drive home and ate the cake, alone, with only Max for company.

Oh, and of course I bought ice cream. What’s a “party” without it.

This one time in my younger days I ate a supersize quarter pounder meal from MCDonalds then immediately went to panda express and ate a three item combo with fried rice chowmein orange chicken and beef broccoli. Another time I ate LITERALLY 2 pounds of bbq pork fried rice from a chinatown restaurant in 30 minutes in my car parked on a dead end in East LA at 2am BOTH true stories.

The “Raw Egg” is a common myth, nearly all eggs in the US are pasteurized before leaving the factory(just one reason why they stay good for so long). Although it is a closely guarded trade secret how they manage to do so without the process actually cooking the eggs. BTW they also shine light through the egg to spot any cracks, solids, or FTSBT (fluids that shouldn’t be there).

In College, I ordered 3 Pepperoni pizzas and scrapped the cheese/pepperoni off of the pizzas, rolled it up and ate it within an hour.

Pizzas were $6 on campus,

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