Categories
Celebrity Grub Video

Gordon Ramsay Lists The 5 Worst Halloween Treats You Can Give Out

Gordon Ramsay’s not big on Halloween, but at least he won’t give shitty candy when your kids walk up to his door in their spooky costumes.

Having kids of his own, Ramsay’s very aware of what trick-or-treaters don’t want to see in their giant bags of candy, and in PSA-like fashion, Gordon appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live to let us know that we shouldn’t be handing out these garbage candies and treats.

In his typical foul-mouthed fashion, Ramsay rips each item, and by the end of it, you’re going to just feel like an asshole for even considering giving these out to the happy little children in your neighborhood.

If you do give any of the following candies out, in the words of Ramsay himself, “F*ck off!”

Smarties

smarties

“Seriously, the perfect combination of aspirin and Tums. Smarties are for f*cking dummies.”

Circus Peanuts

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“How f*ckin’ sad are they? You know what Circus Peanuts are? Clown s*it!”

Candy Corn

candy-corn

“It’s not candy, it’s not corn, it’s ear wax formed in the shape of a rotten tooth.”

Apples

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“Do I look like a f*ckin’ teacher, mate? Let me give you a lesson; go buy some proper f*cking candy.”

Pennies

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“In 2016 you’re still giving out f*cking pennies! F*ck off!”

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

The 10 Nastiest Beers Of All Time

When I was in college, the beers I drank (as did the majority of college students in America) were Keystone Light, Bud Light, Coors Light and Natural Light. The majority of people use these beers to drink mass quantities at a time for whatever flip cup, beer pong, civil war, king’s cup or f*** the dealer game they’re playing. It’s just what you do. Nobody wants to have to chug a Stone IPA while playing quarters.

Once college is done, the allure of these beers fades away as fast as all that knowledge you amassed over the last 4+ years. Today, that transition is happening even faster with the growing popularity of craft beers.

Now that I’m all grown up (ish), the thought of any of those four beers makes me really sad. I’ll drink them, but ONLY if I really want to get drunk and there are no other beers around to drink.

Of course, that was my mentality, until I discovered…

The 10 Nastiest Beers Of All Time

1. The Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout

rocky mountain oyster stout

Brewery: Wynkoop Brewing Co – Denver, CO

ABV: 7.5%

Availability: Limited release on April 1st 2014 (originally as an April Fool’s joke) with limited rereleases early every April

Despite the misleading name, oysters are not the main ingredient for this monstrous creation. The main ingredient is none other than…drum roll please…bull testicles! Each barrel of this meaty beer contains three bull testicles and no regrets from the brewmaster.

2. Nimble Lips, Noble Tongue – Pale Ale w/ Squid Ink

Nimble Lips Noble Tongue Pale Ale W: Squid Ink

Brewery: 3 Sheeps Brewing Co – Sheboygan, WI

ABV: 6.2%

Availability: Limited

The brewers at 3 Sheeps like to experiment a lot in their free time with different (albeit strange) ingredients. One brewer in particular wanted to create a pale ale that came in a much darker color but didn’t want to risk compromising any of the other ingredients. Somehow, he discovered squid ink as a viable option. Not only does the ink turn the beer black, but it also enhances the flavor of the hops, not to mention adding an element to the mix that the 3 Sheeps Brewing Company’s website calls “a slight briny character.”

 

3. Beard Beer

beard beer

Brewery: Rogue Ales & Spirits Brewery – Newport, OR

ABV: 4.8%

Availability: In Washington and Oregon only

The Beard Beer uses yeast from a human beard (more specifically the beard of brewmaster John Maier) in order to give it a taste that the brewery itself chooses not to comment on, simply saying, “Try it. We think you’ll be surprised…” Despite the cryptic description, this hair-raising American Wild Ale won gold at the 2015 World Beer Championships. Why they didn’t simply call it a “beerd”, we may never know.

 

4. Dock Street Walker

Dock Street Walker Philadelphia

Brewery: Dock Street Brewing Co – Philadelphia, PA

ABV7.2%

Availability: N/A

The Dock Street Walker is known in Philadelphia as the “beer heard ’round the world,” and for good reason. The beer itself is brewed with a shit ton of wheat, oats and barley to give it a smooth mouthfeel, then cranberries are added for both the color and the bittersweet kick. Finally, the piece de resistance is added to the fray: goat brains. This extremely random and questionable ingredient provides a smoky flavor to the beer, along with a sense of feeling flabbergasted.

 

5. Ghost Face Killah

Twisted Pine Brewing Co. Ghostface Killah

Brewery: Twisted Pine Brewing Co – Boulder, CO

ABV: 5%

Availability: Only during Spring

While the Ghost Face Killah isn’t necessarily disgusting or vile in any way, it certainly earned its place on this list with the slew of other questionable ingredients it contains. The Ghost Face Killah is a Chile Style beer that utilizes the mouth-numbing fire that comes from six different chiles: Anaheim, Fresno, jalapeño, serrano, habenero, and ghost.

 

6. Hvalur 2

Brugghus Steoja Hvalur 2

Brewery: Brugghús Steðji (translates to Anvil Brewery) – Borgarnes, Iceland

ABV: 5.2%

Availability: Only during Spring

This brewery located in Iceland doesn’t even have an actual address, but rather is found using latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates. Hvalur 2 followed the Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout’s philosophy and added big ol’ salty balls to the mix. This time, the balls in question belong to the fin whale rather than a bull. These endangered whales found off the coast of Iceland apparently have delicious balls, because brewery co-founder Dagbjartur Ariliusson decided to, “use smoked testicles from fin whales for flavouring the beer.” Furthermore, the testicles are smoked in dry sheep dung for more “flavour,” but mainly because the glaring lack of trees on the island makes smoking anything rather difficult.

 

7. Coconut Curry Hefeweizen

Lips of Faith Coconut Curry Hefeweizen

Brewery: New Belgium – Fort Collins, CO

ABV: 8%

Availability: N/A

We’ve become accustomed to adorning our beers with all sorts of fruits and vegetables. Hell, even nutsacks are beginning to bowl over competing ingredients for the label spotlight. New Belgium has taken it a step further by creating a coconut and curry flavored beer for the masses. I honestly have no idea how this beer tastes, but any beer that can rock an 8% ABV is worth trying in my book.

 

8. Beer Geek Brunch Weasel

Beer Geek Brunch Weasel

Brewery: Mikkeller ApS – Copenhagen, Denmark

ABV: 10.9%

Availability: Rotating 

Civet cats are adorable little creatures from the weasel family that, while normally aren’t kept as domesticated house pets, provide humans with the ability to find the best coffee beans in the world. The primary diet for these Southeast Asian animals are coffee beans, and just like any other animal, they seek out the highest quality beans for consumption. Thats where Mikkel Borg Bjergsø comes in. The man behind the beer discovered that the Civets have an enzyme in their bellies that breaks down the bean. The Civets droppings are then used to give the beer that strong, stout taste. I guess no one told them not to shit where they drink.

 

9. The End Of History

End of History, Taxidermy Beer

Brewery: Brewdog – Ellon, Scotland

ABV: 55% (you read that right)

Availability: N/A

Brewdog decided to make this aptly named beer with the hopes of redefining the limits of traditional brewing. They took it a step further by placing each beer into taxidermied animals, either a squirrel or a stoat (also known as a short-tailed weasel). Not only is this beer the strongest beer in the world, but it also sports the largest price tag, coming in at a whopping $756 per bottle. Only 12 bottles were made, and all the animals used as stuffing were roadkill, so the gruesome-looking beverage is actually not as morally blank as it may seem to animal-lovers. Still, it’s pretty crazy that this is the strongest beer…

 

10. Snake Venom

Snake Venom, Brewmeister

Brewery: Brewmeister – Keith, Moray, Scotland

ABV: 67.5%

Availability: N/A

…until this came along. While Snake Venom technically is the strongest beer in the world, many people question the validity of that claim by pointing out that it might not actually be beer. A freeze concentrate is used to beef up the alcohol percentage, but that distilling process makes it feel more like hard alcohol than beer. Surprisingly enough, the insanely high ABV doesn’t take away from the actual flavors that the beer boasts, particularly the apples, cherries and lemon. The beer comes in an intense black color and has no head whatsoever, making it look just as peculiar as it sounds.

 

 

 

Photo Credits: 3 Sheeps Brewing, Denver Of The Wagon, Fox News, Brew/Drink/Run, Beer Info, Denver Of The Wagon, Draft Mag, New Belgium, Tree Hugger, The Perfectly Happy Man, Cool Material

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

This Bar Serves A ‘Ring Of Fire’ Shot That Will Burn Your Insides

Imagine taking the worst parts of Napoleon Bonoparte (his mentality, face and violent legacy) and the worst parts of Hitler (his mentality, moustache\face and violent legacy) and combining the two to create one super shitty person. If the Ring of Fire shot was a person, it would be Napodolf Hitlaparte.

I’ve been scouring the globe (aka Orange County) looking for the worst shot of alcohol the world has ever known. So far, none have made me vomit on the spot, and I feel like the worst shot of all time should be bad enough to make that happen, right?

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I walked into a bar in Long Beach, CA called Ashley’s On 4th. There were two or three people seated on stools, and no one near the pool tables or dartboard. My kind of day-time emptiness. We walk up to perform the traditional meet and greet with our bartender, Courtney.

She mentions an old douchey guy that tried to impress a bunch of girls in the bar by purchasing the Ring of Fire for them. Suffice it to say, old man pervy balls went home alone that night.

After flooding our ears with terrible stories about this shot, Courtney begins cheerily pouring the Fireball into the shot glasses, and had no qualms with blatantly filling that shit to the top. I’m normally never one to complain about getting every bang for your buck, but this is one buck I’d rather not bang.

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Courtney fills our glasses and my mouth instantly begins salivating, but in a bad way, in a “here’s some saliva to coat your mouth with so you can taste as little of this hot shit garbage as possible.” She calmly grabs a bottle of red Tabasco sauce and begins all-too-generously dumping it in each of our shot glasses, shaking the bottle like a cartoon criminal shaking a victim upside down by the legs until all of their gold coins fall out of their pockets.

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She slides the shot over to us, we cheers, and down the hatch they go. Almost immediately my body goes into vomit mode. My face muscles move involuntarily and begin cringing on their own. I get an immediate urge to sit on the ground and I have no idea why. I guess being closer to the floor makes me feel safer, and yes, this shot was so bad that my body instinctively reacted by activating its safety protocol. That’s about the time I fell to the floor and hugged my knees like a father hugs his estranged prodigal son. Tightly and shrouded in emotion.

At this point, I can hear Hayley talking to me, but my brain struggles to process and comprehend what she’s saying because I’m concurrently trying to quell the evil spirits (pun intended) being harbored in my mouth and throat.

While not the worst shot I’ve had so far (see the “shoot the dog” shot from two weeks ago), it came at the end of the day after I’ve already had a bunch of other shitty shots, so it settled in a particular troubling part of my stomach. Still, I kept it all inside. So far that’s eleven poop shots I’ve taken so far, and none have bested me.

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Sean – 11

Shots – 0

Bring the muthafuckin’ noise, bartenders.

Categories
Humor

Worst Shots Ever: The Liquid Steak Shot That Made Me Hate Steak

I recently attended my cousin’s 21st birthday, and this little asshole casserole was being fed froofy ass shots like a Buttery Nipple and a Redheaded Slut, and he was loving it. I stepped in to rock that little slut’s face off with some manly man shots, and that’s when I realized that the only two shitty shots I knew were the Gorilla Fart and the Four Horsemen. Right in that moment is when I decided to travel from bar to bar, trying to learn what exactly were…

The Worst Shots Ever

After downing that AWFUL shot at DOGZ, Haley and I headed over to Shannon’s Bayshore for our next shot. In less than a week, Shannon’s will be celebrating its 21st birthday. Curious to see how they’re gonna live it up. There, our bartender Gina presented us with what she calls Liquid Steak. If you’re a fan of steak, you’re gonna want to get as far away as possible from this shot. It’ll probably ruin it for you.

Check out this week’s episode of Worst Shots.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss Humor News

Hipsters Found A Way To Ruin Coffee That’s Hysterical And Annoying

It turns out that even coffee, one of the last few bastions in the world of simple delights, is susceptible to being raped and defiled by the beanie-toting, opinion-flinging, artisinal-everything bearded goons we all know and hate called “hipsters.”

Australian-based writer Jamila Rizvi called out an unnamed Melbourne cafe (for their sake) on the presentation of the “coffee” she ordered. In an obvious attempt to be weird and trendy, this cafe decided to serve their coffee in three different beakers: one holding the liquidated coffee, one holding the hot water and one holding the cream.

Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 12.40.29 PM

This absurd and obnoxious set up comes on a wooden board and is served with a spoon, so that you can mix your preferred amount of each ingredient into the fourth glass that wasn’t provided to you, because hipsters. Granted, they’d probably give you one if you asked, but still. This really is too much.

Jamila, along with a vast majority of Australians, expressed that she was getting tired of the Hipster culture and their ability to get their sticky, pseudo-weathered hands onto anything and everything that seems good and genuine.

“Hipsterism has gone too far when your coffee comes deconstructed. I wanted a coffee. Not a science experiment. I prefer to drink my coffee out of crockery and not beakers. Next stage? I’ll just get a chopping board with a bunch of actual coffee beans and an upside down hat on it.”

Some people came to the defense of these hipsters on Jamila’s post, saying that they, “love this idea because you never know how strong a coffee is going to be and you can make it however strong or weak you like it.” A decent idea, although if that was a big concern for you, wouldn’t you just make it at home?

After all is said and done, ordering a cup of coffee should always be easy and convenient. It’s coffee, not a congressional bill, so take it easy hipsters.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss Video

Worst Shots Ever: This ‘Shoot The Dog’ Is DEFINITELY The Worst So Far

I recently attended my cousin’s 21st birthday, and this little asshole casserole was being fed froofy ass shots like a Buttery Nipple and a Redheaded Slut, and he was loving it. I stepped in to rock that little slut’s face off with some manly man shots, and that’s when I realized that the only two shitty shots I knew were the Gorilla Fart and the Four Horsemen. Right in that moment is when I decided to travel from bar to bar, trying to learn what exactly were…

The Worst Shots Ever

On our trek to discover the worst shots ever, Hayley and I made the horrible mistake of walking into Dogz Bar and Grill. While our bartender Jamie was nothing short of a sweetheart, the drink she made for us was whispering the devil’s prayer and peeling the paint off the walls. Ok, none of that actually happened, but it was damn close.

Although the shot itself doesn’t ring in a cavalcade of ingredients, the few it does have were enough to make Hayley jump out of her skin, bless her heart. I considered what it would be like to actually shoot a dog, and I came to the conclusion that the shot was an only slighter better option. Out of all the shots I’ve taken already, I urge you tough guys out there to head to Long Beach and try this one. You WILL regret it.

Categories
Humor Video

Why You Should Never Take A Shot Called The Spicy Redhead [WATCH]

I recently attended my cousin’s 21st birthday, and this little asshole casserole was being fed froofy ass shots like a Buttery Nipple and a Redheaded Slut, and he was loving it. I stepped in to rock that little slut’s face off with some manly man shots, and that’s when I realized that the only two shitty shots I knew were the Gorilla Fart and the Four Horsemen. Right in that moment is when I decided to travel from bar to bar, trying to learn what exactly were…

The Worst Shots Ever

Hayley and I ended our inaugural run of the show with three shots at Rudy’s Pub & Grill. Not because that place is particularly special or anything (although they do have an awesome atmosphere for football on Sundays), but because our awesome bartender Jenn happened to know three terrible shots to make for us.

Our last shot of the day was the aptly named Spicy Redhead. By this time, Hayley and I were hammered and very few things were making sense to me. Above all else, I was shocked that I hadn’t vomited, and not from the number of shots we drank, because I can drink a lot, I’m very powerful. No, I was surprised we didn’t vomit because of the types of shots we were taking. They were all awful. With that being said, I still believe the worst shot ever is out there, and dammit I intend to find it.

 

Photo Credit: Daily Mail 

Categories
Humor Video

This Is How We Learned What An ‘Abortion Shot’ Was

I recently attended my cousin’s 21st birthday, and this little asshole casserole was being fed froofy ass shots like a Buttery Nipple and a Redheaded Slut, and he was loving it. I stepped in to rock that little slut’s face off with some manly man shots, and that’s when I realized that the only two shitty shots I knew were the Gorilla Fart and the Four Horsemen. Right in that moment is when I decided to travel from bar to bar, trying to learn what exactly were…

The Worst Shots Ever

At this point in the day, Hayley and I are already five shots and a couple of beers deep. We make our way over to Rudy’s Pub & Grill to keep the dream alive, and continue seeking out the worst shot of all time. So far we’ve found some pretty horrible shots, but this next shot might actually take the cake, considering it’s called the “Abortion Shot.”

Jen, our lively and enthusiastic bartender, made sure to make our lives hell to the greatest extent of her ability. She knew three horrible shots, so the Abortion Shot was the first of the trio. Although it only tasted marginally awful, the texture in my mouth combined with my pondering the name was enough to bring me ridiculously close to puking.