Categories
Humor

These are the Worst Foods to Eat While Driving

As a lifelong commuter, here’s a situation I’ve found myself in more times than I’d like to admit:

It’s 6 p.m. and I’ve just gotten out of work (or class or internship or whatever) and I. Am. Starving. With a capital “Sta.” I don’t want to wait for dinner and chances are when I get home, I’ll just have to bury myself in more work anyway, so I do the only logical thing and head to the nearest watering hole to pick myself up a little something-something—you know, just to keep me and my fat ass company for the next 45 minutes.

And after doing this for a while now, I can proudly say I’ve learned a few things. Here’s a brief (by no means inclusive) list of foods I’ve learned it sucks to eat on a long drive home:

Burritos

Now I’m not talking about all burritos. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that Taco Bell has absolutely perfected car food. Their tacos and burritos are more tortilla than meat and their Crunchwrap Supreme is definitive proof that God loves everybody, even the chronically one-handed. No, no, I’m talking about you, Chipotle. And you, quasi-authentic Mexican place I still get embarrassed trying to pronounce the name of. Your food is amazing, but when I’m fiending for some Carne Asada on the way home and everything just falls out everywhere after the first bite, ain’t nobody happy. Especially not my seat covers.

Lee’s Sandwiches

Could you make a messier sandwich? I mean, I know all breads slough crumbs, but these baguettes do not leave behind crumbs. They leave behind bread shrapnel. Lots of it. Without fail, each and every bite I take sets off hundreds of invisible mines, sending piece after piece of French-Ameri-Viet fusion hurtling toward my carpets, where they remain buried for weeks until I find the time to pick them out with my bare hands. Plus there’s the smell. Jesus.

In-N-Out

I know you’re trying baby, and I appreciate that, I do. It literally warms my heart every time I’m pulling through the drive-thru and the cute little In-N-Out girl with her silly hat smiles at me and asks whether or not I’ll be eating in the car, but let’s be real. Them wrappers is difficult. This is not a burger you can eat with one hand. Instead you’re caught pinky and palm on the wheel, all spare fingers barely holding onto that Double-Double-y goodness, while your free hand tries gently to peel back layer after layer of wax wrapping so your next bite isn’t just a mouthful of paper. Which, if you haven’t tried it, is actually pretty damn difficult to do. The only saving grace here are the fries, which are easy, and are probably the only reason I haven’t stopped doing this yet, in spite of all the car safety laws I know I’m breaking. YO-freaking-LO.

Alcohol

Just kidding. Foodbeast does not suggest or recommend drinking and driving. That would be dumb.

Any saucy/greasy or otherwise obnoxiously messy handheld thing

This is probably the saddest one on this list. This is what I eat when I hate the world and I hate myself and I really really really just need something battered and bathed in pig fat. In all seriousness though, eating this stuff while driving sucks. If you’re anything like me, chances are the guilt from buying the two dozen garlic parmesan wings is enough to convince you to try and be neat and hold the things with a napkin—which would, of course, ultimately fail, leaving you with dozens if not hundreds of little greasy finger prints all over your steering wheel, door handle and stick shift. Yeah, not pretty. And yeah, I’m driving stick.

Now, there are definitely foods that don’t suck to eat as a commuter. There are french fries and Taco Bell, as we’ve said. There are KFC chicken wraps, if you’re into that. In my perfect world, every rush hour craving would be for Panda Express.

First of all, the two-item entree comes in a huge box that can sit comfortably on my lap. Second of all, as long as you get the right things, you can stick it all with a fork—it’s amazing. So thank you Panda, for being the most commuter-friendly food I can think of (at least for the moment). Thank you Orange Chicken. Thank you steamed rice. Thank you, most of the things on the Panda Express menu. Except you, fried rice, you and your oily, slippery, un-forkable bullsh*t. You can go suck a fat one.

Think we missed one? What do you think are the worst foods to eat with driving?

Categories
Restaurants

Little Caesars’ New Wing Flavors!

Little Caesars Pizza has announced a new line of flavors for their chicken wing products.

Our new Caesar Wings add another great side item to our every day HOT-N-READY® menu,” said Linda “LJ” Jaworski, senior VP of Marketing & Corporate Communication.

Customers look for variety and value when making meal time decisions and our Caesar Wings provide both, along with some delicious new sauces.” Jaworski added.

Wings are available in sets of eight at just $5.

  • Oven Roasted – Traditional, lightly seasoned, oven roasted wings.
  • Buffalo – The traditional Buffalo sauce – hot, spicy and full of butter flavor. Want a stronger kick? Make it HOT!
  • Barbeque – The great taste of traditional BBQ sauce, blended with just the right amount of sweetness.
  • Spicy Barbeque – Little Caesars’ original BBQ with a zing! A unique blend of BBQ and Buffalo.
  • Teriyaki – Sweet soy sauce gives this variety a full-flavored teriyaki taste.
  • Lemon Pepper – Zesty lemon and pepper flavor with a smooth buttery taste.
  • Garlic Parmesan – A creamy and delicious blend of roasted garlic, black pepper and Parmesan.
  • Bacon Honey Mustard – A sweet honey mustard flavor with just the right amount of smoky bacon.

The problem with all these different flavors of wings is you can’t just choose one and walk away. Then there’s the choice of what sauce to get with it, and you might as well get a pizza and some breadsticks too since you’re already there. Decisions, decisions:

Categories
Fast Food

Domino’s Pizza Announces a New Chicken Lineup

Last year was a big year for Domino’s Pizza. They bet huge on a total revamp of their pizza recipe, and it looks like they’re aiming to make some more big moves with a revamp of their chicken products. Today finds the Ann Arbor, Michigan-based pizza giant announcing “new, tastier chicken wings” available in hot, BBQ, and new Sweet Mango Habanero flavors. The brand took feedback from their consumers about their wings, with Domino’s Pizza Chief Marketing Officer Russel Weiner explaining, “we know how loyal wing-lovers are, so we strived to deliver on providing a better texture and flavor.”

In addition, they have also announced new boneless chicken, made with 100 percent whole white breast meat lightly breaded with savory herbs. The boneless chicken will be offered with multiple dipping sauces including Sweet Mango Habanero, Kickers Hot sauces as well as traditional options like BBQ sauce or Ranch.

Categories
News

El Pollo Loco: New Buffaloco Wings

el_pollo_loco_wings

Just like the info above shows, El Pollo Loco just released their new buffaloco wings, Choose from either a spicy buffaloco sauce or a tangy bbq sauce. Get five served with any of the normal sides El Pollo Loco offers or even larger amounts (10,20,30) if you wanna be a super rich or super fat guy.

Categories
News

3.5 Estimated WingStop Wings on Superbowl Sunday

The infamous chicken wing chain is estimating that it will move more than 3.5 million chicken wings across their more than 400 locations in 28 states…all on the day of Superbowl 2009. I’ll probably be contributing to that number… (Thx QSR)