You know what’s trendier than pizza clothing? Publishing a 12-paragraph diatribe on your hatred for one of the most universally loved foods on its national day of recognition. Congratulations, Vice. Your writer Sara Rocco is officially the coolest/smartest/dumbest person on the planet.
Our staff is convinced there was some unusual email routing anomaly that caused this satirical piece meant for The Onion, to get lost in the internets and directly queued in the Munchies section on Vice.
It would make sense if Rocco were vegan, or maybe lactose intolerant, but she’s neither. According to her Twitter, she just apparently really (not really) hates (not hates) pizza.
@whiskeysoaking hate is a strong word. I just am not a fan. If I’m gonna eat unhealthy food I’d rather have wings or a burger or something.
— Mary Queen of Thots (@sarahesoltan) November 13, 2014
I don’t think I could hate anything for 12 paragraphs.
We get it, VICE. It was national pizza day, and you figured, “Hey, let’s have someone write an anti-pizza post and see people get all pissed off.” We probably would have done the same, but with a more clickbait-ey headline and maybe even some conviction. The problem is this monstrosity is an inverted pizza fluff piece—a culmination of not hatred, but apathy.
We can’t let this deed go unpunished, and the only appropriate thing to do is counter with a lengthy, lackluster, self-indulgent, traffic-pandering swath of words that is really just a waste of everyone’s time. At the very least, we have to defend pizza’s honor as it’s a defenseless food that did nothing to you but deliciously exist.
Please, allow us to break down the ridiculousness in this article:
“Most pizza sucks. It’s overly bready—way too much bread relative to the toppings.”
Soup is overly liquidy. Fettuccine is overly noodley. Maybe try some thin-crust pizza, or is this the kind of world you want to live in?!?
“The cheese is super low-quality but stacked high, rubbery and flavorless. This is the combination of attributes that I personally hate in pizza.”
“The cheese” — you know? The singular omnipresent cheese that goes on every single pizza, ever! Low-quality cheese is terrible, but can easily be replaced with cheese that, like, I don’t know, isn’t super low-quality. Quit eating your pizza from 7-Eleven.
“First of all, it’s unhealthy, but also I almost always something better on the menu than bread with cheese [SIC]. It just seems like a cop-out.”
I’m starting to think she just low-key hates cheese. I’ve had plenty of delicious vegan pizzas made with organic vegetables. Even The Rock has eaten three whole pizzas by himself. He wasn’t the least bit worried about his health.
“Most pizza is food for an underdeveloped palate. To me, the reason kids like pizza is the same reason they like Kraft macaroni and cheese or grilled cheese sandwiches. Because there isn’t a lot to it.”
Since she’s going to make a baseless statement on how “most” pizza is for an underdeveloped palate, I’m going to go out on a limb and counter with, “most” human beings think pizza tastes fan-fucking-tastic. Hey everyone else, we have underdeveloped palates! Alright, let’s go back to being happy with our lives.
“But I feel like the kind of person that’s really “into pizza” is the same kind of person that was really into donuts with bacon on them a while back. When someone currently has the word “pizza” in their Instagram username, I think of someone wearing an Urban Outfitters sweatshirt with pizza printed all over it, and they want to take you to a Steve Aoki concert. A late adopter who claims they’re into cocktails, but only knows one cocktail and it’s an Old Fashioned that they saw on Mad Men.”
You’re overthinking this. It’s pizza. It’s not that deep (except in Chicago). People like pizza because it’s good, not because Walter White threw a pizza on the roof in Breaking Bad and viewers thought, “Hey, what was that food product Heisenberg tossed in that one episode? I suddenly feel like that’s cool and want to eat it.” Also, pizza on a sweatshirt is awesome, because pizza is awesome.
“With a limited amount of time on Earth, I would rather talk to people who are observant enough to pursue their own interests beyond cultural trends for the sake of cultural trends.”
Says the girl who wrote a story to supply content for a bogus holiday, created to honor said “cultural trend.”
“I understand why it’s so popular. It’s always going to be the lowest price point in any nice restaurant that serves it, and it’s also available by the slice for $2 or whatever, which makes it attractive to any young person looking for something gives you a sort of immediate visceral satisfaction for very little money. It also represents a certain type of nostalgia, because as kids there were always pizza parties in school, or contests where if you read enough books you got a free pizza.”
Clearly. But what you don’t understand is why you’re wrong. If you think the taste-to-cost ratio isn’t a major factor in food, your understanding of food choices is fundamentally flawed. What’s not to love with something that tastes good for cheap? Can nostalgia positively affect our opinion on pizza? Absolutely. Pizza parties are still the illest.
The Ninja Turtles may have helped in shaping my love for pizza, but you know what else shaped my love for pizza? My fucking love for cheap, delicious pizza.
“It’s associated with celebration or happiness to a lot of people. But a really nice Porterhouse represents celebration or happiness to me. I could eat bread with cheese on it any time.”
I could write 12 paragraphs about why a bone-in rib-eye steak is WAY better than your porterhouse, but I won’t. And apparently you can’t eat bread and cheese anytime, because you dedicated a whole paragraph earlier to shitting on delicious bread and cheese like some kind of ridiculous grilled-cheese Nazi.
“They want to be seen as having a laissez faire attitude because pizza is fattening, and cheap, and unpretentious. Pizza is accessible, so people think it will make them seem accessible. But who wants to be truly, totally accessible?”
Yeah, there’s no way in hell this is serious.
“I worry about people, honestly, who want to define themselves by a food they eat.”
I’m worried about you.
“I would probably guess that a guy who takes a girl out to pizza has his life less together than a guy who takes his girl out to a steak dinner. That’s just my guess. But maybe I’m wrong, and they are just super fun.”
Someone please find this girl on Tinder, show her your degree and your bank account, or whatever she qualifies as having your life together. Then when she’s blown away, take her to get some fucking pizza. Find her a whole-grain, thin-crust, organic veggie pizza that would meet her health standards. Then throw a bone-in rib-eye on top of that shit.
The Foodbeast staff