Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Kinky Wife Sticks Fruit Up Her Privates ALL DAY For Her Marriage

People do some pretty crazy and nasty things in bed. I’m no saint either, I once asked a girl to hogtie me and slap my nipples like they brought dishonor to her family.

One reddit user known as morninglost recently posed a question for the Reddit community. I can sit here and try to explain it thoroughly, but I’d rather just come out and say it while picturing the shocked “O” face you’ll likely be making: she shoves fruits and vegetables up her vagina and leaves them there all day for her husband to eat when he gets back. Check out her short back story:

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Right now you’re imagining it.

Ok, now you’re wondering if leaving food in a vagina all day is bad for it, and assuring yourself it has to be.

Finally, you’re wondering what the hell is wrong with her husband. You’re also thinking, “food-stuffed vaginas have never once saved a marriage…well, at least none that I know of.”

Guess where those grapes have been all day.

 

Thankfully for morninglost, one of the commenters was a family doctor who gave a detailed overview of the risks associated with putting things that aren’t a penis into your vagina. Friendly as the good doctor was, his opening line was still a bit curious. He started off by saying, “I’m a family doctor with an interest in helping people explore kinks and sexual interests in a healthy way, but I’m not a gynecologist.”*

A family doctor that likes helping people explore kinks? Yikes, color me concerned. Still, he brought up some good points, such as the risk for toxic shock syndrome and sexually transmitted infections.

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I still can’t figure out what the “hot” part of this fetish is. Is he trying to ferment the fruit or something? Does he think he’s going to come home to some carrot vagina wine? And when she says things like pears and apples, does she mean the entire fruit!? Did Hermione use an Extension Charm on morninglost’s vagina? Because I don’t know how else you would fit an entire apple in there.

Also, your husband wants you to put food in your body, but not through your mouth hole. Perhaps I’m overstepping my bounds, but maybe it’s time to start looking for a partner that enjoys his food refrigerated, rather than using your reproductive organs as a way-too-organic storehouse. Just my two cents.

Hey, whatever you gotta do to get your daily fruits and veggies, right?

 

 

*Editor’s Note: This sentence was edited for correctional purposes, none of the words were changed.

Photo Credit: Google, Reddit, Vocal Health, Ebaum’s World, Self

Categories
Products

7 Hilarious Amazon Reviews on the Real-Life Vagina Toaster

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We know what you’re wondering. Is this actually a burnt vagina on toast? Is it actually for sale? For actual people to purchase? I can’t even…

Well, ladies and gentlement, the answer is yes — a bona fide vagina toaster does indeed exist.

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So, for all those lucky folks in the world who have always wanted the image of a vagina toasted onto their bread, you’re in luck. The Vagina Toaster will run you$45 (pocket change for the Holy Grail of toasters) and comes in blue, green, white, red, and yellow. The perfect way to emblazon your bread with a coochie.

Oh, and the reviews on Amazon are the best. Warning: tiny font ahead.

Incorrectly Labia

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Tiny Hair Crannies

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Great with the kids

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Hold the blood pudding, please

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No Purple?!!?! No sale.

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‘Dive’ in!

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Perfection vagina-toaster-2


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The Vagina Toaster $45 @Amazon

H/T Incredible Things

Categories
Products

I Don’t Even Know Anymore: Penis-Shaped Egg Molds

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The Bachelorette Party industry is really slipping. While it’s easy to understand the appeal of sucking down Screaming Orgasms oozing out of dick-shaped shot glasses, it’s a little harder to think our future husbands would appreciate experiencing a virtual circumcision every time they sit down to read the morning paper.

But it seems nobody told the folks at OMG International that. Dubbed the “Breakfast of Champenis,” their Penis Egg Fryer is exactly what it sounds like – a black, non-stick mold designed to help you make perfectly phallic breakfast foods, including but not limited to eggs, pancakes and pizzas.

Why? Because it’s “erotic” and “eggciting,” the packaging says, which makes total sense if you’re like, fifty, and the sight of solid sizzling egg white is enough to get you hot and bothered. Me, I like to think I’m a little harder to please. As in, it’s a bacon weave dildo, or no dice.

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The Penis Egg Fryer: $15 @ Amazon

H/T + PicThx Incredible Things, ebay

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Today I Learned Beer and Vaginas Have the Same Level of Acidity – Coincidence? I Think Not

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I mean, think about it, both taste kind of funny, smell kind of funny and everyone loves (or pretends to love) sucking them down. But did you know that most people’s favorite beverage and everyone’s favorite birth canal actually have a lot more in common than their ability to simultaneously turn people on and off? They’re also equally acidic! This is really exciting stuff, guys.

LiveScience.com explains:

The pH of the vagina is quite acidic, averaging around 4.5 on the pH scale (7 is neutral). That’s about as acidic as beer or tomatoes. Busy microbe communities in the vagina maintain this acidity. For example, lactobacillus, a group of lactic acid-producing bacteria, dominates the ecosystem in many women’s vaginas. These beneficial bacteria and their acidic output likely keep nasty bugs from moving in and colonizing the place.”

Now, aside from keeping the bugs out, the level of acidity only has a partial impact on each “liquid’s” taste. Generally, the more acidic, the sourer, and the less acidic, the bitterer, but as any connoisseur knows, there’s a whole biography of factors that can influence a beer or vagina’s overall flavor profile. Still, the next time you’re feeling naughty and don’t happen to have a lady friend to help you out, consider reaching for a beer instead. Science says if you close your eyes and just let your mind wander off, it’ll all be over sooner.

H/T Pleated Jeans + PicThx Jezebel

Categories
Humor

LOL: Starbucks Barista Thinks This Woman’s Name is ‘Vagina’

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In Starbucks Hong Kong’s defense, maybe the barista had just never seen a woman before. I mean, according to this slapdash study put together by a Japanese news site, approximately “100 million men in China will go through their entire lives without having sex.” Maybe, when faced with the possibility of even interacting with a woman, this poor guy’s brain shut down, causing him to pin his customer down with the only female-identifier he knows: her lady-parts.

Or you know, maybe he was just being an idiot.

In a post on the Starbucks Hong Kong Facebook, a woman is claiming that her sister, Virginia, received a very unpleasant surprise when she realized the coffee she was drinking wasn’t actually made for her, but for someone named “Vagina.”

“This is my sister’s cuppa from your HKU branch. Fancy your staff not being able to spell an American name like Virginia. Forgiving she has been with every misspelled cup. Her cup was once ‘Virgin’. Every Starbucks experience for her has been coupled with fear and anticipation. But THIS is just UNACCEPTABLE. Starbucks HK, you have to buck up or just not spell your customer’s name anyway. It is a derogatory attitude even if it is unintentional. What do you have to say about this?”

Hey, at least her name wasn’t “Cate” or “Patty”, or this could have been so, so much worse.

H/T + PicThx Consumerist

Categories
Humor

This ‘Cherry Blossom’ Bread Totally Looks Like a Vagina [NSFWish]

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There’s a “deflowering” joke in here, somewhere.

Designed by Japanese virtual idol Hatsune Miku and one of Japan’s biggest convenience store chains, Family Mart, this strawberry and cream-flavored bread is supposed to look like a flower, but somehow comes across as a bit more . . . labial.

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(The drawing of the giggling schoolgirl on the front of the package doesn’t do much to help, either.)

Still, and forgive me for saying this, I’m willing to bet it probably tastes delicious.

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Ah, now I feel dirty.

H/T + Picthx Laughing Squid, Buzzfeed

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Watta Water Keeps It Classy With Ads of Water Bottles Shoved Up Women’s Hoo-Has

Would you buy a water bottle if you knew it had been “coolly” sitting on top of a woman’s vagina?

On second thought, don’t answer that, but whatever you were thinking just might be the reasoning behind Avance WWP’s newest ads for Guatemala’s Agua Watta bottled water company. Meant to promote their “Agua Pura” product, the ads feature paparazzi/TMZ-esque crotch shots of several women getting out of cars, their faces and private areas obscured by text that reads “Cool Water” and the “Watta Agua Pura” bottle itself, respectively.

I mean what.

For the past few days, the internet has been all a-twitter about the arguably offensive ads, with one particularly upset commenter calling them “obscene” and “pornographic”—which is, at least on some level, true. The ads are definitely trashy, they’re potentially degrading and they don’t really seem to make much logical sense, which begs the question, why go with this ad direction at all?

One commenter on Buzzfeed has a possible answer:

“The ad shows a sort of celebrity getting off a car with no style at all, legs spread with no regard she could show the paparazzi the panties or if she wears none,” postulates user SarahDane. “The water covers it all, label says ‘agua pura pero con estilo’ (‘pure water yet with style’) – in the twisted mind of who created this, the purpose was to show some woman (= $$ profit, especially barely dressed) no class, and cover the no-style thing with theyr [sic] ‘stylish’ water…”

Thus far, the debate on the Watta facebook seems to be going the way of Chick-fil-A, with hordes calling foul at the proposed political incorrectness, and many others either supporting them for pissing people off or wishing everyone else would just shut up about it already.

To the last group, I just want to say: sorry, but something this funny is just begging to be shared.

[Via Huffington Post]

What do you guys think about Watta’s paparazzi ads? Hilariously tongue-in-cheek or demeaning and pornographic?