Simply put, we tend to get carried away. When it comes to food, we absolutely go (a little too) wild. In the United States, especially, it’s like there’s a hidden amendment in the Constitution that if a meal can feature melted cheese atop, then it must be done. We tend to mistake concept for demand. To quote Jurassic Park’s Dr. Ian Malcolm, “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Yes, sometimes, we go mad with power and end up with food items that should give us pause. But we keep doing it. We can’t help it. We continue to put food on display that, if given a proper second thought, would have us in disbelief and/or horror. Let’s talk about a few of these monstrosities.
Whole Chicken in a Can
Even in a setting where the Apocalypse is near and the world is left fending for themselves, I still wouldn’t be the one to stockpile some whole chickens in a can. Nope. Not I. No extreme situation can even drive me to the even more extreme situation of actually eating this science project in a can.
Ranch Dressing Soda
This is absolutely an abuse of power. Look, we can largely agree ranch is delicious. Whether it’s on a salad or in a sizeable cup ready for your pizza crusts, ranch dressing is there to remind you that all’s good in life. But you should not be drinking it and and this should’ve never ever become soda. That’s the last thing we need. If there’s ever a non-human revolution — robot, monkey, you name it — we could probably cite ranch dressing soda as the thing that finally slowed us down too much to fight.
Mint Vanilla Milk
How drunk do you have to be to think this is a festive way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? It’s enough that we’ve let green-dyed beer slide for this long, but this bastardization of three things that are good in their own right — mint, vanilla, and milk — is downright offensive. This is something a child makes because they blindly assume three things that are good on their own must be good together. And, sure, you could argue this is indeed a tasty drink, but you can’t admit that to anyone. That’s like casually explaining your favorite dessert is a slice of pizza tucked between a donut and a bundle of fries held together by honey mustard. NO ONE is going to respect your decision-making process.
People talk about the fresh smell of bacon in the morning like it could fix the world. It’s highly regarded, as if smelling it right out of bed is akin to a spiritual experience. And then someone had to go and make it cheap and silly by turning it into a mush pushed out of a can. One day the whole “bacon in absolutely everything” phase will pass and the world over will be better for it. You can’t have your birthday every day and you damn well can’t put your birthday through a two-bit squeeze tube.
This is some dystopian-like sadness to behold. Someone wanted to put a cheeseburger in the poorly lit solitary confinement of a can, all pathetic and broken, so they could nibble on a borderline McDonald’s knockoff. Is there no sense of decency anymore?!
Pizza and Spaghetti Slushies
Is this real? How many people did this have to go through for it to happen? Please, I beg of someone to come forward and confess your crimes. Actually, forget it, this was a prank. It had to be. That’s honestly the only way I can sleep tonight knowing pizza and spaghetti slushies exist.
Mountain Dew Chips
Mountain Dew works well as a soda, if your plan was to stay up forever. That maniac blend of flavors was not concocted in some mad scientist’s laboratory just so it could see some half-hearted second life as a corn chip thing. You wash insanely unhealthy snacks down with Mountain Dew! You don’t eat Mountain Dew and then drink Mountain Dew!
I want go ballistic on my wall knowing this exists. I don’t care how premium. I don’t care how much alkaline is in there. It’s water and they made it look like you’re about to guzzle ink. It’s not even flavored in order to justify the color change. Somehow, there’s a Kardashian behind this, I just know it. I’m about to wile out full conspiracy theorist to get to the bottom of this.
Lobster Ice Cream
There was absolutely no need for this. The only way this even kind of makes sense is that New England had more lobster than they knew what to do with and panicked, which is simultaneously totally possible and wildly impossible. Still, it’s seafood in ice cream, and I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.
When a dog finds a good home, there is no better life. They are hugged, adored, and typically the most universally well-liked member of the family. We’ve spent years honoring them in different ways, from putting them in portraits to turning their ashes into necklaces. But honestly, petchup (ketchup for dogs) is too far — along with Muttstard, Mutt-N-Aise, and Barb B-Q. We’re going too far down the rabbit hole of cutesiness, and soon we shall be lost to that void for good.
HOW. COULD. YOU. We have ONE kind of magical animal roaming the world making wishes come true and it gets harvested for meat. Unreal. Disgusting. Hell, it’s not even sustainable. Unicorns don’t procreate like other animals! Unicorns are delivered unto us by clouds via fairy dust from the Heavens. Once we’re out of unicorns, that means no more wands, people. DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? DO YOU NOT CARE? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?