The United States is a country that thrives on innovation in a world that demands transformation. We owe it to ourselves to push forward and evolve. That’s why it’s so dumb when people think onion rings should just be onion rings.
When did we become so uninspired? When did we become so satisfied with the same, year after year? When did we become a species that looked at onion rings and thought, “Good enough?”
See, that’s why we should fear The Singularity. Because once that happens, and the robots take over, they’re just going to do everything we always dreamed of. Oh, you thought it was a big deal we went to the moon? Listen, when the machines are running things, they’re straight up going to Manifest Destiny the whole solar system, and they’ll be stuffing onion rings all damn day while doing it.
Now, to be fair, a few people/certifiable geniuses, most notably Instagram chef Tym Bussanich, have figured it out.
– There’s mac ‘n cheese-stuffed onion rings. All you have to do is add mac ‘n cheese to onion slices, freeze them on a tin foil tray, and then, after 30 minutes, coat them in beer batter and panko crust before finally putting them in the deep fryer.
– There’s burger-stuffed onion rings. To get wild accordingly, take a thick onion circle, cover it with something (some people use bacon), and fill the middle with your burger patty or crumbles. Then throw on some batter and deep fry that thing.
– There’s green bean casserole-stuffed onion rings. In a slight, but awesome, variation, stir together a casserole filling of green beans, soup, egg, milk, fried onion rings and salt/pepper in a bowl. Layer three onion rings on a cookie sheet and fill the stack accordingly. Then bake at 350 degrees for roughly 20 minutes.
You guys, we pretty much just have to wrap stuff in onion and then deep-fry it. This isn’t mathematics. We don’t have to measure the diameter of an opening and then compare that to the desired stuffing interior. I mean, come on, were you always the person in group projects in school who tried one thing and then quit while you waited for the smart girl to finish everything out of furious spite?
We’re dreamers! What happened?
I was raised in an era where being offered onion rings as a fry alternate was a thrill.
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly. What was that about onion rings?” I must’ve repeated a dozen times as a child at take-your-pick of casual dining restaurants and mediocre steakhouses (my parents saved the fancy places for evenings they had a sitter).
“You can have onion rings instead of fries,” a dozen college students in tacky waiting gear told me in return.
“Whoa ho ho!” I’d exclaim, rubbing my grubby, freakishly long hands together.
And that was, like, two decades ago. These days, I should be asked things like, “Would you like your onion rings stuffed with blue cheese, garlic mashed potatoes, or more onion rings?”
That’s the country I believe in. That’s the world I want to live in.