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21 Waiters Confess The Most Messed Up Things They’ve Overheard While Waiting Tables

As a waiter, you sometimes have access to some of the most private and intimate conversations between patrons. Not that you should be eavesdropping, but sometimes one can’t help but overhear things while serving tables.

In a recent Reddit thread, waiters were asked what were some of the most fucked up things they’ve overheard while working. The thread blew up with stories both horrific and hilarious, not only from waiters but bartenders and other different kinds of servers in the restaurant industry.

Check out the tales below. As with everything else on Reddit, be sure to take these tales with a grain of salt.


Whale Vaginas

This tween boy was for some reason talking about whale vaginas in frightening detail. His older brother told him to “stop being a little immature shit.” The younger brother responded with “I thought you liked whale vaginas, isn’t that why you’re still dating Evelyn?”

I fucking lost it and quickly shuffled back to the kitchen before exploding with laughter.

I know, dear.

Older couple at Bob Evans.

“I just wish I could die already.”

“I know, dear.”

The Scumbags

I had my back to two guys who’d just arrived and were about three beers in. They start talking about a girl and what they’d do to her, nothing I haven’t heard a thousand times until this.

“Bet if we roofied her she’d do all of it,” followed by laughter.

I just chalk it up to shitty humor until one suggests just dropping it in her next drink.

I stepped out of the bar, had my manager call the cops, and kicked them out when the cops got there. Searched and sure as fuck they had oxy and roofies on them.

Never ask a nurse about their day

My favorite was a group of nurses though. Pouring waters as one says the sentence “so a guy came in for an adult circumcision yesterday…”

Miss the rest of the story, return with drinks just as she’s saying “Yeah, so Grace pulls back the foreskin, yea, he cums…”

Never ask a nurse about their day. It was worse than yours.

In walks a clown

Party of five or six, it’s a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and shit like that. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, we didn’t hire this guy.

He walks over to the table of five or six and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for.

He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens, and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night).

Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.

Shut up, Harvey.

I had a summer job at Gilligan’s, which is a shitty seafood place around the Charleston area. I seat this obese black couple who were actually pretty funny. They reminded me a lot of Chef’s (from South Park) parents.

Anyways, I bring them their drinks and ask if they’re ready to order. I can’t remember what the husband ordered, but the wife didn’t like it. So he looks at her and says “Woman, I’ll still eat that ass of yours when you eat chili, so don’t give me no shit for ordering what I want”.

She immediately replied “Harvey, I’ma just need you to shut the hell up.”

Then they both started laughing. Best table ever. And they tipped me like $20.

If I had to choose

Shucker at an oyster bar here. I can say with out a doubt the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard was a man sitting with a woman who was getting more and more distraught and the man looks at her and says “Look I told you when this whole thing started if I had to choose between you or my wife, I’m picking my wife.”

Left-handed

Saw a mother take her knife and with the flat part of it wack the hand of her 2-year old child because she was drawing something with her left hand.

She yelled at her “No, use your right hand. Good girls don’t write with their left hand.”

This was as I was standing there taking their order and writing with my left hand.

Rules

This was over 10 years ago and I had no idea what swinging and wife-swapping was… working breakfast fairly early at a downtown hotel in a big city.

Husband is clearly upset and wife is acting half-sheepish/half-annoyed and they’d instantly get very quiet whenever anyone approached. Their conversation was clearly heated and the restaurant was pretty empty with high ceilings and marble walls (old bank) … so even slightly raised voices carried.

I’m walking towards the table and they didn’t see me coming…

Husband: “How could I not be upset?! You let him fuck your ass! Why did we even talk about rules if they don’t matter?”

“Don’t say another word, Peter.”

I approached table with a family of five to take their order. Two adults and three kids from about ages 5 to 10 or so. One of the kids starts to say something and the father (strong Irish accent) cuts him off by saying, “Don’t say another word Peter. Nobody says a f-ing thing until princess Mommy makes up her f-ing mind and decides what she wants for dinner.”

Followed by long awkward silence and me leaving.

Chug

“You chug that mojito like you’re gonna chug me when we get back home.”

Just picture Mr. Magoo

Restaurant manager. One day I was greeting guests walking in the front door. An elderly man came hobbling in. Had to have been at least 90 years old, just picture Mr. Magoo and you will have my vision. I say, “Sir welcome, how are you doing today?”

He turns to me and with the straightest face says, “Well, I got the pussy.”

I glance at my hostess who has gone bright red, and turn back to him, “I’m sorry what?”

“I’ve got the pussy, you know, when you feel great but look like shit.”

Winks at me and scuttles down to his table. I can honestly say I have never laughed as much at a guests joke in my life.

My son loves Billy Bob Thornton

I waited tables for 10 years at this small family owned restaurant in rural Ohio that had a “Famous” sandwich. It was on a few Food Network shows and stuff like that.

A family comes in, mom, dad, two little kids. I take their drink orders and as I am getting the drinks, the dad pulls me aside.

Dad: My son is obsessed with Billy Bob Thornton. We told him that Billy Bob comes here and eats from time to time, so could you just play along.

Me: Yeah of course, no problem.

I return with the drinks and the son, who is about 5 years old, starts asking me questions about Billy Bob Thornton. Like what he orders, if he is nice, stuff like that. I make shit up, because I want a good tip and don’t want to ruin this little kid’s life. He is so excited to hear that Billy Bob comes to the same place he is at.

I can only imagine other scenarios where Billy Bob Thornton has appeared in this kid’s life.

Oh, Buddy

Ex waiter. I’m walking down a long hallway carrying a tray of food. A kid comes running from an perpendicular hallway and run face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says,”Buddy, you just can’t go running into walls.” I muffled my immediate laugh with my hand. It brought tears to my eyes.

Grandpa is paying

Family of like eight or so, Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter.

As I walk up he says, “It’s too tight, I can’t get it in…(smiles and elbows his wife)…sure haven’t said that in a while.” She turned bright red, said his name in that “you’re in trouble” tone and gave him a much harder elbow.

Tales of a bartender (part. 1)

I was at the bar, not waiting tables, but I have two. The first was a couple that sat down directly in front of where I was washing glasses. This was during the NBA Finals so I thought it was a bit odd they seemed so sad while everyone else was enjoying the game. They spent at least four hours there and from what I was able to hear they were discussing having another kid to fix their relationship.

I guess she had cheated on him because she felt ’empty’ but didn’t want to end their relationship as they already had kids together. The guy was clearly very upset but said he’d support her if this is what she wanted.

The other was last week during a huge fundraiser we hosted. A group of three or four ladies were noticeably uncomfortable and when I asked if they were okay they told me that one of them had a stalker who constantly shows up at her house, work, etc., and calls her repeatedly.

He just showed up to the bar. She had threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave her alone, so what did he do? Naturally he bought her a drink as an apology.

Tales of a bartender (part. 2)

While bar tending a man once told me he was going to kill his boss because an accident at the cement plant killed his friend, and nothing was done to fix the problem.

I also had a guy come to the bar, order a bottle of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer and a shot of vodka. He did this several times and would stand between the bar and his table and pour the vodka in the beer, then go back to his table.

“You’re in trouble.”

We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time.

One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him “Ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.”

Woman said, “Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the fuck has he been coming here with?” Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband.

My coworker just turned around and walked away.

“He took it like a vitamin.”

When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn’t there. The stories they told were crazy and personal. One woman at a table of six lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed Viagra. “He took it like a vitamin – one pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn’t understand why.”

Happy anniversary

Had a guy confess to banging his SO’s sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.

What do you think really happened?

Late one night I had this couple who were maybe in their late 30s. The guy looked a little like a ‘roid-head and had a lot of tattoos, tough looking guy.

From the moment they came in, the woman was crying the whole time. Not like, a little bit crying but straight up bawling. She hadn’t talked to me the entire time, but the guy was very chatty. He explained to me how he had just found out that he only had a few months left to live and how she, his “angel” was gonna take care of his boy for him and all this shit. Anyway, I felt pretty genuinely bad cause that’s a pretty fucked up thing to hear.

Then I saw them come in again over a year and a half later — acting totally normal. They didn’t remember me, but how do you forget the face of someone that told you they were dying.

My theory is that he was abusive and was making up some cover story as to why she was crying that night. Either that or he miraculously survived without looking sickly at all, which in that case good on him.

Photos: StockSnap | Stories have been edited for spelling and flow.
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Features

14 Food Delivery Tales That Are Weird, Terrifying, And Downright Disgusting

Once a former pizza deliver boy, I know there can be some pretty weird experiences while dropping off food to customers late into the night.

A recent question was posted on Reddit, asking food delivery people what were some of the weirdest deliveries they’ve ever had to make. Some of these tales are odd, others hilarious, and some are downright terrifying.

You can check out the highlights from the thread below. As with everything else found on Reddit, be sure to take these stories with a grain of salt.

Enjoy, and make sure to tip your food deliverers appropriately!


“Willis is in the dog food again!”

Pulled up to this easily $1.5-2 million house. Lady opens the door and as she’s signing the receipt I hear, “Bethany! Willis is in the dog food again!” This is deep in Louisiana, so this is all in a typical Southern drawl. I look behind her and see a man chasing a full grown pot-belly pig wearing an LSU jersey away from what I assume is the dog food area.

Willis returned to the area shortly after.


Amish family dinner

Delivered 30 pizzas to an Amish family. About a 35 minute drive. The entire family met me outside to grab a pizza. I took the rest in and followed them inside to their dining table. The elder of the family gestured to me to sit down with them and he pointed to the one open seat. I realized that they saved me a seat to eat with them.

I didn’t know too much about the Amish back then, and I wasn’t sure how rude it would be to say that in working and couldn’t/shouldn’t. I was also thinking on the other hand they could have killed me (remember I wasn’t an educated 16 year old). So I sat down and ate two slices of pepperoni pizza with them. I found the girl across the table to be very attractive. They said a prayer of some sort and didn’t talk much after that. Just asked my name and how thankful they were for me to drive all that way. I finally had to get back to work. They didn’t tip, which was fine.

I enjoyed the time with them.


Undies

Mid to late 50-year-old man comes to the door in an opened towel robe wearing Spider-Man undies.

I was a Chinese food delivery girl back in high school.

This gentleman opened the door very casually and honestly, I didn’t think much of his undies.

What was really funny was from the other room I hear what I assumed to be his wife call out, “Is that Chinese or Pizza? Did I win?!”

The man saw the white plastic bag and sighed. “You won!”

As he was closing the door after giving a generous tip all I could hear was a celebratory woooh from the woman.


The baddest of the bunch

I once delivered pizza to what seemed like a gang house. I pulled up and there are all these intimidating dudes with tattoos and bandanas all wearing the same colored clothes. I puckered up and felt my scrotum shrivel as I awkwardly shuffled past them with a bunch of pizzas to ring the doorbell.

They were all staring me down and it felt like the longest walk ever.

The person who ordered the pizza must have been the head honcho because he looked like the baddest of the bunch. The total was like $70 and he gave me a $100 bill and told me to keep the change.

I bolted out of there and returned back to the pizza place on autopilot because I was so scared.


Not one to ruin a good time…

I delivered pizza to a house, the instructions said to open the gate and go into the backyard and knock on the back door. Now, I was really early. I showed up at their door probably about 12-15 minutes after they had placed the order as we were very slow. As I entered the backyard, I heard really loud moaning coming from the open window and realized the customers were having sex.

I’m not the one to ruin a good time, so I decided to wait until they finished before I knocked on the door. I just stood there in their backyard with a pizza in my hand for a good 10 minutes. One of their neighbors heard what was going on and saw me in there and decided to pop outside and just stand there staring at me the whole time making sure that I’m not stealing anything.

Anyway, most awkward 10 minutes of my life.


The splash zone

A man answered the door in a robe. The robe was closed, but I guess he wasn’t wearing underwear, because as we’re exchanging money, a stream of piss starts to fall between his legs and right onto his own carpet. He doesn’t seem to notice, or just doesn’t care.

I take a big step back out of the splash zone, and he just keeps making small talk while it’s happening.


This is a robbery

I know of a kid who was a drug addict that had pizza delivered to his house. Once he heard the doorbell, he walked out his back door with a ski mask on and robbed the delivery driver in front of his own home. After that, he walked back around the home and opened the front door from inside pretending to be surprised that the guy was robbed.

Idiot ended up getting arrested but it was the worst plan ever hatched by someone I knew.


“Coming!”

I was delivering a pizza and after I knocked on the door I heard a far away voice yell “Coming!” so I waited. After about a minute I hear the same voice a little closer yell “Almost there just wait!”

This continues for several minutes, with the voice coming closer and closer until the person finally reaches the door and opens it. I’m expecting to see someone at eye level, however instead I’m greeted by a smiling person on the floor who had no legs and dragged themselves across the house to answer the door.

I offered to put the pizza inside for them in the kitchen and they were pretty appreciative


Full of weird shit

So I delivered like five pizzas to this guy once. I had to ring the doorbell several times before he came to the door. When he got there he didn’t really say anything except to come on in real quick.

Now you aren’t supposed to go in people’s houses but I decided who cares I can defend myself. I get inside this guy’s huge house and i’ts full of weird shit. There was a full suit of armor right by the door, and somewhere he had this Halloween CD playing creepy, deep voiced laughs.

While he’s searching for his wallet the biggest dog I’ve ever seen walks up to me and falls at my feet pushing me over. So I’m sitting next to a suit of armor petting this huge-ass dog waiting for this middle-aged man to pay me.

He gave me a $40 tip.


“Let him keep the rest!”

I delivered pizzas for a few years in college.

One of my deliveries to a hotel had a guy answer the door in nothing but boxers and a beanie. We trade money for pizza and as I give him his change, I hear another guy yell, unseen, from behind the corner, “If he’s cute, let him keep the rest!” The guy at the door hands me back the change and smiles.

I wasn’t sure how to react, so I just turned and left.


Photo: Constantine Spyrou

Completely naked

I was a delivery boy for an Asian restaurant for a while. Had a delivery down a sketchy, very bumpy road in the back of my small town near all these trailers. When they answered the door, there was a 50-60 year old lady standing completely naked in front of me, as well as two men of the same age sitting on the couch with their dongs out, again, completely naked.

I obviously got out of there as fast as possible. I took her signature and nearly ran away. She yelled at me through the window “Come inside with us!” And I said “Fuck no!” as I was walking away, and she proceeded to curse at me as I jogged back to my car.


Imaginary money

The guy who answered the door looked like he had just seen a ghost and was a little jittery so I’m pretty sure he was on some kind of drugs.

Anyways, he hands me $10 for a $15 bill and tries to go back inside really quick. I realize that he didn’t hand me enough money so I knock on the door and tell the guy he still owed me like $5 dollars so he starts patting his pockets and finally pulls his hand out to as if to give me more money but has nothing in his hand.

He extended his hand to give me this imaginary money and was visually surprised when I wasn’t fooled by his trickery.

The guy does this two or three more times before having me call my manager to attempt to use his card to pay even though I’m sure he knew it wouldn’t work. At this point, he goes back inside because he “just heard his roommate come in” and is going to “borrow money from him.”

So I wait, and I wait until I knock again. The guy cracks the door, sees it’s me, and closes the door again really quick like he was surprised I didn’t go away. Eventually after about 10 minutes of annoyance and feeling like I might get stabbed I told the guy I either needed money or the food, which he reluctantly gave back.

All in all a very strange experience.


“Keep the change, pal”

This is definitely one of the most memorable deliveries I had when I worked as a driver for this Japanese restaurant.

It was sent to this house with an order of a steak hibachi and a couple of sushi rolls that added up to something like $19.60. I liked to call before I got to a place, just to give people a bit of a heads up, so by the time I got to the door it was already open. In the doorway stood a chubby kid, about 9 or 10 years old that reminded me a lot of the kid from Bad Santa, but without the curly hair.

I tell him the total as I pass off his food. He hands me a $20 bill and with a straight face he smugly says, “Keep the change, pal.” Immediately after, he closes the door and I stood there for a second trying to process what just happened. When I got back to my car I noticed the time and realized it was way too early for that kid to be home from school. I couldn’t help but laugh at the whole situation.

No wonder he sounded a bit cocky when he told me that I could keep the $.40 in change. This kid probably faked being sick so he could stay from school and was probably in there watching TV or playing video games while eating sushi and feeling like a big shot.

I know I would’ve at that age.


Not-so-shy-guy

I rang the doorbell and a woman about my age — 23 at the time — opened the door. We were going through the usual exchange of pizza and money, when another woman who appeared to be her mother began walking towards us. “Well if you’re not going to do it, I will,” she said, while at the same time removing her shirt.

I was somewhat taken aback and must have looked confused while keeping eye contact with the young woman who was visibly embarrassed. “Don’t be shy, you can look at them you know,” the mother said.

I glanced down at her boobs, then up to her face and gave a nod of approval. I looked back at the daughter, said thank you and walked back to my car. They tipped well too, so pretty decent delivery if I’m honest.


Note: Stories have been edited for spelling and flow. 

Categories
Fast Food Humor Video

A Former ‘Subway’ Worker Explains Why You Should Be Nice To Fast Food Employees In A Hilarious Animated Video

Earlier last year, YouTuber theodd1sout comic won over the Internet with his charming animated rants about working at Sooubway, a parody of what we can pretty safely assume is sandwich franchise Subway.

In the first episode he talked about all of his experiences while on the job, which included the mistakes he made and the hilarious adventures he had while on the clock. In the second episode, he recalled the most memorable customer experiences, from the most annoying patrons to the most belligerent ones.

Now, nearly a year later, the third episode has finally dropped. This one recounts both stories of himself while on the job as well as him as a customer going to other Subway locations. The underlying theme of the animated short is to be nice to your local fast food and retail employees regardless of your station in life; they’re the people who handle your food and stay open late to make sure you’re fed.

As a former fast food employee, these stories are all too real.

While he never mentions Subway by name, sticking only to the parody, it’s pretty obvious the direction he’s going with it. Check out the hilarious episode above.

Categories
Culture Features Humor

14 Thanksgiving Dinner Stories That Are Horrifying, Hilarious, And Heartbreaking

casserole-02-stock-snap

As Thanksgiving dinner approaches, we can’t help but think about all the X factors that come with distant relatives and volatile family members all gathering in one place. To put it simply, it can sometimes be a recipe for disaster. Other times, however, it could be a huge blessing spending an evening and a great meal with the ones you love.

We took to Reddit to see what were some of the best, worst, and most hilarious Thanksgiving stories the Internet had to offer. As with everything else on Reddit, just make sure to take all the stories with a grain of salt.

Sit back with some mash potatoes and enjoy.

Try not to cry

I once put a turkey in the oven, frozen solid. I was so proud because I had cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever, I invited everyone I knew over. I pulled the turkey out four hours later, looked at it, they looked at it, then they all laughed at me.

I tried not to cry, then cried a lot.

pie-02-stock-snap

It’s got a happy ending though

Mom has cancer. Thanksgiving is had in the tiny-ass apartment she had to rent because her oncologist decided to treat her in a different city. Cooking is out, because said tiny-ass apartment did not have a competent oven. We get the meal to go. It is total shit.

The turkey was advertised as a real fucking bird. We got sliced, pressed shit. And everything was ice cold because the cafeteria we ordered from set up their to go table right under the air vent. Mom couldn’t eat, sister was cranky because she was stressed as fuck trying to go through college and take care of her mother. Dad was cranky because he was worried sick and because reasons that are too icky for me to dwell on any further. I was the only one that was not in a bad state (partially because I believed her oncologist when he said she was going to be fine, and partially because I handle stress like a boss) and was trying my hardest to keep everyone happy. My dad and sister kept snapping at me for my efforts.

It really sucks to get yelled at for being cheerful. At least my Mom seemed to appreciate them. The day just all around sucked.

To make matters worse, the girl I was crushing on hard kept trying to call me all day because she got abandoned at Thanksgiving, but I forgot my phone at my apartment, and was too preoccupied with trying to do what I could to keep smiles on peoples faces to even notice the phone was gone. She didn’t talk to me for a year after that.

But this story had a happy ending, because my Mom made it, so I guess I can’t bitch too hard.

Monkey see, monkey do

This is a sad one: but a week before my dad threw a plate of food against the the wall because my mom burned dinner. Well in the middle of Thanksgiving in front of a ton of people, I throw my plate and it shatters with food everywhere.

I was a young child. Monkey see monkey do.

I went off script

nintendo-64-stk-01

My mom was VERY uptight, and she is a very no nonsense kind of woman. Her parents were over and she was at the top of her game to impress. When we were going around the table saying what we were thankful for, she had preprepared answers for us, I shit you not.

I went off script and said I was thankful for Goku and my N64. I think she is still pissed over that. Like with all Reddit stories, be sure to take them with a grain of salt.

Jail Bird and Moon Pie

It was the Thanksgiving that my aunt (henceforth referred to as Jail Bird) just got out of jail for serious criminal offenses involving gun trafficking. Her and my other aunt Moon Pie (her favorite snack, also fitting because she is round like one too), got into an argument over who bought my sister a gift which she had had since she was four years old.

Jail Bird was only 14 when the gift was given to my sister making it impossible that it was her, and so after my grandma said enough is enough they moped around for a few hours, but peace was made… Or so we all believed.

So, dinner arrives. It’s going well, until Moon Pie thought it’d be a good idea for her to carve the turkey- which my grandma seeing no issue with that idea let her. Jail Bird was stabbed in the leg with the carving fork, and that’s when all hell broke loose. My sister and I were told to go to our room (we were staying there for Thanksgiving weekend, so we occupied the guest bedroom). We left heard some screaming and some glass breaking, and when me and my sister came out to see what was happening… Well, it turned into an all out brawl.

My parents and the other aunts trying to keep JB and MP away from each other- and not having much success. Grandma was just sitting there drinking her boxed wine, and smoking like nothing was happening while everything was happening.

Any who, long story short, I called the cops and Jail Bird and Moon Pie now have both spent some time jail, and on Thanksgiving too!

Turkey-Line-Boneless

Study hard, kids

This one time my friend was going to announce his engagement to his fiancee at the dinner table in front of his whole family and friends.

Meanwhile he was failing math and our other friend brought his then girlfriend who was the math teacher to dinner, and our other drunk friend ended up admitting that my friend was failing math and he never got the chance to say he was engaged. And his Dad grounded him. Hilarious!

F*ck cooking, do it yourselves

My mom used to cook the MASSIVE traditional Thanksgiving feast. My family was really well off, we had a huge house, and probably 20-30 friends and family would come and our house would be converted into a hotel.

Eventually, my parents got divorced, the economy tanked, we kept downsizing houses and pretty soon it was just my mom, brother and I in a pretty small house. She still made dinner, but maybe just a friend or even just us would be there.

One year, she was sick of it. Sick of cooking all day for one meal for just us, tired of working and things not getting better, and just all of life’s hardships. So on Thanksgiving, four or so years ago, she plopped a plate of raw meat on the table and a fondue pot filled with oil and said “fuck cooking, do it yourselves.”

So we all sat around and dipped chicken and beef, and scallops for me (vegetarian) and had another pot with cheese and small diced bread. We were tired so we just turned on the TV and there was a South Park marathon and the first episode was starring GOOBBBBLLLEESSSS!!!! Anyways we watched that and a few other, and had a pretty good time.

Every year now we just do the same fondue thing, no big lavish meals, just some meat with a little sauce. And we always start the night with the Thanksgiving special with Gobbles and then watch a bunch of other episodes.

Best family holiday ever.

Meet the family

I have a large family with an immense amount of borderline personality disorders. The worst instance was my aunt A was going through a divorce and uncle B had been holding some of her belongings in storage while she got things settled.

Well uncle B got drunk and told aunt A that his new wife had sold a lot of her belongings because she wasn’t paying for storage at their house.

Well my mother got involved and tried yelling at the uncle B and that’s when aunt C & uncle D got involved and started a completely different argument and meanwhile aunt A was chasing around uncle B with a knife and my cousin called the police.

It was a full-out brawl by the time they got there and aunt A was taken away to a psych ward as she was sitting her car with the knife threatening to kill herself. This was the first Thanksgiving I had brought my boyfriend (now husband) home with me.

Three seconds

My grandmother ran out of counter space, shit was sorta burning like crazy on top of the stove. She took out the turkey on the tray, looked around, and put it on the ground for like three seconds. She intended for it to be there for three fucking seconds.

Her dog, Rosco, had been following her all day. Earlier she tossed him a turkey gibblet, and I guess that didn’t sit well with him.

He shit all over my grandma’s leg, floor, and freshly-cooked Turkey in one explosive two-second blast of fiery diarrhea.

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SO drunk

Last year my dad got blind drunk. Like the drunkest I have ever seen him. He kicked me and my girlfriend out of the house very loudly, and when we where packing up he came asked why we where leaving and demanded we stay. After another five minutes he came back and kicked us out again. We went to my moms house who was so drunk, we couldn’t wake here up.

We ended up playing Borderlands all night.

Up in flames

My Dad and uncle tried frying a turkey, very drunkenly. They forgot about. The oil went went up in flames and so did the side of my uncle’s house.

I conceded defeat

My female cousin and I like to have burping contests. One year, after eating Thanksgiving dinner, we started our competition. Swallow air, force a burp, swallow air, force a burp. Belches kept escalating until the point where she ends up vomiting all over the table.

I conceded defeat as I didn’t feel like trying to top that. A decade or so later, she’s still the champion.

dinner-plate-veggies-stocksnap

Not a bad way to go

I went with to a boyfriend’s house and spent the morning with his family, brothers and sisters and their SOs from far away. His grandmother was there, sitting quietly in a recliner and not saying much. After a couple hours dinner was ready so we all went into the dining room except his Grandma. Someone went back to help her, thinking she had trouble getting out of her chair, and discovered that she had died sometime while we were all sitting around talking and laughing. Someone called an ambulance and the boyfriend’s parents went with the body while the rest of us had a very odd and awkward dinner.

On the plus side, I like to think that she died happy. She was surrounded by family and although she didn’t say much she smiled at our jokes. It’s really not a bad way to go when you think of it, it was just really really strange for the rest of us.

The egg nog was bad

My wife’s brother is a pretty heavy drinker. He’s the type of dude who almost always has a beer in his hand after 5 o’clock. He’s not a bad guy, but he definitely drinks too much… though since this story he’s become a father and slowed way down on the drinking.

His mother, father and younger brother don’t cook, so brother-in-law (let’s call him Dan) offers to make Thanksgiving dinner. He’s going to have turkey, pie, potatoes, stuffing, the whole nine yards. So it’s the four of them and my wife and I.

We get there and Dan has mixed up some egg nog. It’s in a big plastic pitcher and roughly a quarter of it is rum. Wife doesn’t drink, younger brother in law (Jim) doesn’t drink and I’m lactose intolerant. The dad has one small cup and says it tastes awful because its’ so heavy on alcohol.

Slowly by surely, as Dan is working in the kitchen the egg nog begins to disappear. He starts out really nice, glad to have a good turnout for Thanksgiving. He seems to have a pleasant buzz on at this point. As the morning continues though, he gets more and more agitated. We’re watching football and he wants help peeling potatoes, so we oblige while watching the game. Then as dinner continues he wants the wife to make the stuffing (it’s stove top, not my choice). She says she will, but she’s in the middle of something. Dan starts yelling about how she doesn’t appreciate what he’s doing and how ungrateful she is. It’s pretty uncomfortable, but they shout back and forth. Situation settles down and dinner will be ready in about 45 minutes to an hour. Dan says his “stomach is upset” so he goes home (next door) to lay down.

Once the timer goes off we take out dinner and set the table. Dan’s nowhere to be found. As today’s chef it seems rude to eat without him, but we don’t want everything to get cold. We must have waited at least a half an hour for him to come back… but he didn’t. Dad goes to check on him and he’s pretty much passed out. We eat without him.

Hours later he comes back while we’re watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles and says “Urgh, I think that egg nog was bad.”

Sure Dan, the egg nog was bad.

Stories have been edited for spelling and flow.

Categories
Fast Food Humor

A Former ‘Subway’ Worker Recreates His WORST Customer Experiences In One Hilarious Animation

A few weeks ago, YouTuber theodd1sout comic posted an animated video chronicling his experience when he worked at the sandwich franchise Subway Sooubway. Well, we all kind of know what he actually means.

Fans of the original video may remember a tease for this at the end. We definitely wanted more. The brilliantly narrated animation features a hilarious account of customers going up to him with ridiculous orders and requests.

He even gives viewers insight to his coveted Sooubway secrets. When asked what cheese he recommends, he says Provolone because it’s the easiest to pull apart with his gloves. Awesome.

Check out the video.

Categories
Features

15 Convenience Store Clerks Recount Their Strangest Encounters Working The Night Shift

Working the night shift in a convienience store can usually lead to some interesting stories. More than likely, something strange and unexpected will tend to happen when people need food, gas, or beer in the late hours of the night.

We dug around and found some of the creepiest, hilarious and shocking tales from convenience store clerks. Mind you, these stories should be taken with a grain of salt. Some are downright terrifying.

Enjoy.

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“I am the law.”

A guy came in to buy beer after hours. Told him I couldn’t sell, it was against the law. He pulled out a badge, said “I am the law.” I called 911 and a cop shows up, tells me if I can just let it go, I wouldn’t have any more problems.

I let it go.

Two weeks later, driving home late at night, WAY over the speed limit I got pulled over. It was cop #2, he came up to the car, recognized me, said “Slow down” and left.

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Greasy-Burrito-Cover

Out of burritos

I worked at a small convenience store in the early ’90s. They had one of those fry delis that had chicken, jojos (deep-fried potato wedges), corndogs, burritos etc. This particular night I had run out of burritos and chicken. I also shut the thing down and cleaned it all out about an hour before closing.

About five minutes before I was closing up, a guy walked in and asked for some burritos. I told him I was out of them, and that I was just about to close and the fryer was shut down. He walked around the store for a minute (I assumed he was looking for something else to buy) and then he came up to the counter, pulled out a knife and told me if I didn’t cook him some burritos he was going to stab me.

I freaked out, but told him I had none to cook. I showed him the freezer and told him I would happily cook anything he wanted from it, but he will see I was out of burritos.

He looked in it for a minute, turned to me and said, “You really are out.”

I replied, “Yeah.”

He then put the knife away and left the store.

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“I really don’t want to talk about it.”

A man came in ten times within a single hour. He kept leaving and coming back without buying a single thing. Finally, on the tenth time he comes up to the counter with a box of tampons.

I proceeded to ask him, “Rough night?

He responded, “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

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Clerks-Brick

This is a brick up

Brother worked at a gas station at night.

Guy tried to rob the place with a brick.

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The deal-wagging man

Had a guy pull up to the pump, unhooked it wanting post-pay. Our policy said not to authorize it between midnight and 5am (pre-pay only). I announce this to the dude over the loudspeaker. I’m pretty sure he was wasted; he continued to get more and more beligerent. When he started beating the pumps with the nozzle/hose, I called the cops.

Dude starts banging on the door (locked, no way he would get in), can’t, gets frustrated, and finally just whips his deal out and starts wagging it in the general direction of the store.

The CCTV (closed-circuit television) is getting all this, so I just start laughing my ass off. Then the cops pull up, and two deputies put this poor, drunk, deal-wagging man away in the back of a police car.

I quit a few months after that.

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Pickle Chips

I worked third shift at a Sheetz. For those of you who don’t know it’s a gas station/convenience store/fast food place. On multiple occasions I have been cussed out because we discontinued pickle chips.

I’ve had people tell me to fuck off, break things, demand to call corporate, etc.

People love pickle chips.

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The old man and the Devil

I work nights at a gas station in a pretty good neighborhood in New Hampshire, so usually it’s pretty boring. One night I did have a customer really creep me out. I was just getting ready to close down the store when a little old man came in.

He was small and dressed in khakis and a button down shirt. I made the usual small talk of asking him how his day was going.

Then as I was handing him his change he firmly grabbed my wrist, made direct eye contact with me and said, “Hell is a real place and the devil has already got his hand on you girl, be careful.

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Clerks-Eggs

Six Eggs

A guy walks up to the surly clerk, who seemed to work 25 hours a day, and asks: “Do you sell eggs by the half dozen?”

Clerk: “No, you have to buy a dozen.”

Guy: “I only need six.”

Clerk: “I’d don’t care. You get 12 or you get zero!”

Without saying another word the guy walks back to get his dozen eggs, pays and walks out.

He then throws his six unwanted eggs at the store window before driving off.

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The woman and child

I used to work the graveyard at a gas station near my place. Pretty normal night. Clean, stock smokes, clean again, sit behind the counter. A woman came in about mid 30’s with a little boy with her. She was in tears and her clothes were torn a bit. She came up and asked to use the phone.

When she got off without getting an answer, she asked to stay here for a bit. I told her it would be no problem. About 20 minutes goes by and I wound up giving her and her kid free drinks and one of the sandwiches we have on the hot rack. She was in the store for about 30 minutes until her “boyfriend” came in and found her and her kid.

He was pretty calm at first but then started screaming at her and telling her she needs to come with him. Luckily before anything crazy happened, a cruiser pulls up to the front and two cops come in and interveined.

He was arrested right there.

I guess he had been beating her in front of her kid and she was trying to run away. I’m glad I got to keep her away from harm for at least a little bit. Was a scary night!

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Live performance

The place I worked had a monitor/camera that showed you on it as you walked it. It was like ten minutes before closing and a guy walks in and just starts rapping into the camera and acting like he’s shooting a music video.

He went through an entire song.

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You skunk me up, I’ll skunk you back

Graveyard shift at a gas station. Full serve gets shut down after 11:00 pm because there’s only one clerk on site. Traffic cones block the full serve pumps, signs inform the customer.

Around midnight a van pulls up with California plates and peace/love signs in the windows. Woman gets out, moves the traffic cones and pulls up to full serve. I use the intercom to tell her that she will have to use self serve if she wants gas. No answer. I go to the door and try to wave her over or call out to her. Can’t see any sign of her. I shrug and go back inside. I’m not allowed to leave the store unattended, so there’s not much I can do.

Ten minutes later a woman gets out of the van and comes in.

“I’ve been waiting for service for over an hour,” she says.

I decide not to argue about the time elapsed and just say: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but we don’t offer full-serve after 11:00. Perhaps you noticed the traffic cones and signs to that effect?”

“You expect to pump my own gas?” She says.

“Again, I’m sorry. I’d be happy to help you, but I can’t leave the store unattended. I appreciate your understanding.” She snorts and digs a twenty out of her purse and tosses it on the counter. She goes out, moves the van to self-serve, pumps the gas. Then she comes back.

“May I use your restroom, please?” She asks.

“Absolutely, right back there,” I say, relieved. She goes to the restroom and she’s in there for about 15 minutes. I start to worry. Finally, she comes out and comes to the counter.

“I know all about you,” she says, “You, you’re the one brought the Black Plague. You brought it all the time forever. It was always you. You caused all those deaths, all that suffering. Did you like hearing the babies wail and scream? I bet you loved it. All the demons love it. That’s you. You’re a demon. You are evil. I can tell. And I’ll tell you something else: you skunk me up, I’ll skunk you back.”

I stared at her retreating back speechless. She got in her van and drove away. Skunk her up? Because I didn’t pump her gas? Weird. I went back to fronting shelves for about 30 seconds before I thought, “Perhaps I should check the bathroom.” I walked back and push open the door.

Shit. Shit everywhere.

On the walls, the floor the mirror, the sink. All over the toilet lid and the tank. Shit on the door, clearly smeared by hand. And, oh, the stench.

As I turned to get the cleaning supplies, I muttered under my breath, “You skunked me back all right. Yes, you did.”

Sigh.

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Clerks-Milk

Club milk

I worked at a 24/7 gas station in a small college town. One night, the club across the street had a fight break out and about 50 people were pepper sprayed by the police when they responded at about 1:30am.

Five minutes later cue 50 angry club goers busting into the store, running to the dairy cooler, dousing themselves in milk and then running back out.

I just stood there in utter udder confusion and then told my boss I didn’t want the late shift anymore.

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Hot Pursuit

I watched a truck pull up to one of our pumps. A guy gets out to pump gas and a Durango comes hauling ass from the back of the building. A second guy gets out with a gun aimed at the first guy.

I was on the phone with a friend of mine and said, “Someone just pulled a gun at the pump, I’m going to have to let you go.” I called the cops. Turned out the guy pumping gas had robbed a store three towns over and the Durango was an undercover cop who had been in pursuit.

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Yogurts and Preludes

I worked an 11pm – 7am shift in an all night garage for a few months when I was 18. There was this weird Vietnamese dude who drove a white Honda Prelude and always filled up with £6.66 of petrol. He wore the same pair of cutoffs every time, with blotches and bruises all over his legs, and used to literally wander in, leaning against the displays, pick up as many yoghurts as he could carry, pay with a £50 note and stagger out.

One time he came in with these two (obviously prostitute) women who were draped all over him with the biggest pupils I have ever seen. They stood at the counter while I scanned all their yoghurts, and he spoke for the first and only time.

Staring at me, he said to the women “She can join us, can’t she?”

One of the women looked at me and said “You’ll make a lot more money if you come with us, darlin.”

I nervously laughed, took their cash and they left, grinning, in silence.

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Clerks-Tacos

Paid with tacos

In high school I worked at a 24 pharmacy which also had a small selection of beer. At about 2am this guy walks in three sheets to the wind, saunters over to the beer and grabs two 12 packs. He comes up to the counter and slams the beer down. Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a half eaten taco and puts it on the counter.

I couldn’t say anything because I was so perplexed. I just let him walk out with the beer and told my bosses I thought he might have a gun also. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.

A couple weeks later he apperantly tried this at the family-owned gas station across the street and got shot.

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Stories have been edited for grammar and format.