Categories
Humor

14 Awful British Foods That Make Us Proud to Be American

haggis

This holiday, it’s easy to get caught up in the frills. Fireworks, grilling, the old red, white, and blue. But let’s not forget the true reason for the season, celebrating our liberation from our staunch, haggis-eating, tea-drinking forefathers. Think about it. If we hadn’t told GB to buzz off, we may have never created the Double Down. Girl Scout Cookies would only be eaten at tea time. French fries would be called chips and chips would be called crisps. Crisps!

So, this Independence Day, remember there’s plenty reason to revel in our independence, especially the fact that we didn’t get stuck eating that awful soggy grey stuff they call “food” on the other side of the pond. Sure Britain’s got its cool accents and nifty TV shows, but we’ll take a deep-fried twinkie over this mess any day:

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1. Stargazey Pie

stargazy

Pastry pie topped with fish heads

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2. Jellied Eels

jelliedeeg

Like unagi, only gross

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3. Haggis

haggis

A pudding thing made from sheep heart, liver, and lungs

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4. Black Pudding

blackpudding

A pudding sausage thing made from pig’s blood

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5. Baby Gaga Ice Cream

babygaga

Warning: Made from human breast milk

PicThx Mother Nature Network 

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6. Spotted Dick

spotteddick

Another pudding thing made with raisins; thankfully not diseased genitalia

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7. Laverbread

leverbread

Seaweed thing?

PicThx Neil Cooks Grigson

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8. Sussex Pond Pudding

sussex

A boiled cake with a whole lemon inside. Why is it boiled?

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9. Turkey Twizzlers

twizzlers

What looks like Britain’s version of Slim Jims, only a million times more frightening

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10. Marmite

marmite

Yeast extract-based salty poop sauce

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11. Bubble and Squeak

bubble

Medley of last night’s leftover cabbage

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12. Pork Faggots

porkfaggot copy

Unfortunately named offal meatballs

PicThx Lily In Canada

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13. Flies Graveyard

fliesgraveyard

Giant raisin newtons

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14. Mushy Peas

peas

Not gross necessarily. Still sad looking though.

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Happy 4th of July everybody!

(CORRECTION 7/3/14: A previous version of this article listed Pickled Eggs as a British food. They are British in origin, but can also be found worldwide.)

Categories
Humor

Spotted Dick, Nun’s Farts & More Foods We’re Too Immature to Handle

canned-spotted-dick

No matter how old we get, there are some things that will always make us blush and dissolve into a fit of giggles. In the same way that “That’s what she said” jokes will never get old, most of us (with a childhood) will never be able to eat a plate of spotted dick sponge pudding with a straight face.

Realizing this, the lads over at First We Feast compiled a list of 9 Foods We’re Too Immature to Eat. Naturally, we picked had to pick our favorites. It was the mature thing to do.

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Pandanus

pandanus

The juices from the leaves of the pandanus fruit, ahem, are used in many Thai dishes, helping boost the flavor. According to Thrillist, this peculiar fruit is also referred to as “screw pine,” which isn’t nearly as fun as “pandanus.”

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Nun’s Farts

nuns-farts

Nun’s Farts, or “pets de nonne” en français, are airy pieces of cream puff batter that are fried, re-fried and baked in the oven. Apparently, they taste nothing like you’d imagine flatulence to taste like, but we’re ok with that.

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Rocky Mountain Oysters

rocky-mountain-oysters

No, these aren’t oysters, they’re giant bull testicles. Fortunately, once you get over the initial trauma of stuffing your face with balls, they’re actually quite tasty.

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Spotted Dick

spotted-dick-custard

There’s nothing like a steaming plate of “mutton fat cut from the animal’s loins” soaked in custard to get you all riled up.

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Head over here for more inappropriate eats.

H/T + PicThx First We Feast