As a college student, it feels like everyone around me drinks. I know you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, “Oh man, who gave this guy a soapbox?” Hey, I don’t blame you, I wish my glass of OJ had some nectar of life in it too. That being said, here are 15 annoying things about being a non-drinker.
1. Fighting the urge to correct your friends’ drunken escapades
The day after a “crazy night” people always have amazing stories to tell, but unfortunately, I was sober and know exactly how your night went down.
How my friends usually remember the night:
And that crazy fight where you knocked out a three-time champion UFC fighter? Didn’t happen, bro.
2. Explaining to strangers why you don’t drink
When I tell people I don’t drink, they give me this look:
Then I have to start explaining things in a Sheldon Cooper-like manner and people still don’t understand. My real reason? Let’s just say my D.A.R.E officer scared the sh*t out of me.
3. Having this reaction every time you walk into a party sober
4. Drunk people constantly assume you’re judging them
Drunk Guy A: “Whatcha lookin at, bruh? What, ya think ya betta than me?”
Me: “At the moment, yes, yes i do, sloppy keg stand person.”
5. Refusing drinks
“Dude, I owe you a drink.” I hear it all the time after lending a helping hand and it kills me not being able to accept your gift. How about we make a pact and you repay me in burgers instead?
6. Not having a boozy scapegoat when I act like an idiot
I envy people who can use, “I’m buzzed,” or “I’m faded” as an excuse for doing hilarious/awesome/hazardous things. I don’t have that luxury. When I “accidentally” let a firecracker loose in your living room, I can’t Jamie Foxx it and blame it on the a-aaa-a-alcohol. That’s just me being an asshole.
7. On that note, having nothing in common with rappers
I dig rappers like Lil Wayne and Kendrick Lamar, but I’d probably be able to relate to their music more if I dived into a swimming pool of liquor, or popped a bottle and poured it on a model at least once in my life. Because models.
8. Everyone wanting to get you drunk
After the initial shock that you don’t drink, the immediate thought that people have is, “I have to get him drunk.” They zero in on you like a drunk hawk.
9. Being fully conscious for unconscious conversation
There is a certain point where my drunk friends believe they’ve reached a level of genius and think they’ve found the meaning of life, when in reality they’re just dishing out a bunch of meme quotes and a handful of Family Guy references that somehow relate to their lives. I just wish I could get this easily mindblown. Life would be a lot less boring.
10. Police never believing that you’re sober
Whenever I pull up to a checkpoint, the popo always scoff when I tell them all I’ve had is water. Ain’t got no appreciation.
11. Being the default designated driver
I guess I’ll make peace with the fact that for the rest of my life, I’m going to be this guy:
12. Feeling left out when it comes to Instagram photos of booze.
As a result, I overcompensate with crazy food pictures because I’ll never have sick shots of a frothy glass of stout or bad-ass photos of me doing belly shots off girls in bikinis. That shouldn’t stop you following me @izzy_serious though.
13. Not being able to play Beer Pong
It looks so damn fun and although people offer, I don’t have the heart to let someone else drink in my place. I wish I could play it with cups of Coca Cola . . . On that note, someone help me make Coke Pong a thing!
14. Not knowing if anyone can relate to this post.
I swear, everyone I know drinks. I know there are others out there, but it feels like we’re all on a lonely island sipping Shirley Temples.
15. Fearing editors’ judgement for writing this story.
Ok, this last one’s probably just me, but I felt that when I pitched this story, I was going to get a reaction like this:
I never know how people are going to react when they find out I’m one of “those” sober party poopers. That being said, I still love you guys, and hope we can still be friends, Foodbeast Fam.