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21 Waiters Confess The Most Messed Up Things They’ve Overheard While Waiting Tables

As a waiter, you sometimes have access to some of the most private and intimate conversations between patrons. Not that you should be eavesdropping, but sometimes one can’t help but overhear things while serving tables.

In a recent Reddit thread, waiters were asked what were some of the most fucked up things they’ve overheard while working. The thread blew up with stories both horrific and hilarious, not only from waiters but bartenders and other different kinds of servers in the restaurant industry.

Check out the tales below. As with everything else on Reddit, be sure to take these tales with a grain of salt.


Whale Vaginas

This tween boy was for some reason talking about whale vaginas in frightening detail. His older brother told him to “stop being a little immature shit.” The younger brother responded with “I thought you liked whale vaginas, isn’t that why you’re still dating Evelyn?”

I fucking lost it and quickly shuffled back to the kitchen before exploding with laughter.

I know, dear.

Older couple at Bob Evans.

“I just wish I could die already.”

“I know, dear.”

The Scumbags

I had my back to two guys who’d just arrived and were about three beers in. They start talking about a girl and what they’d do to her, nothing I haven’t heard a thousand times until this.

“Bet if we roofied her she’d do all of it,” followed by laughter.

I just chalk it up to shitty humor until one suggests just dropping it in her next drink.

I stepped out of the bar, had my manager call the cops, and kicked them out when the cops got there. Searched and sure as fuck they had oxy and roofies on them.

Never ask a nurse about their day

My favorite was a group of nurses though. Pouring waters as one says the sentence “so a guy came in for an adult circumcision yesterday…”

Miss the rest of the story, return with drinks just as she’s saying “Yeah, so Grace pulls back the foreskin, yea, he cums…”

Never ask a nurse about their day. It was worse than yours.

In walks a clown

Party of five or six, it’s a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and shit like that. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, we didn’t hire this guy.

He walks over to the table of five or six and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for.

He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens, and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night).

Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.

Shut up, Harvey.

I had a summer job at Gilligan’s, which is a shitty seafood place around the Charleston area. I seat this obese black couple who were actually pretty funny. They reminded me a lot of Chef’s (from South Park) parents.

Anyways, I bring them their drinks and ask if they’re ready to order. I can’t remember what the husband ordered, but the wife didn’t like it. So he looks at her and says “Woman, I’ll still eat that ass of yours when you eat chili, so don’t give me no shit for ordering what I want”.

She immediately replied “Harvey, I’ma just need you to shut the hell up.”

Then they both started laughing. Best table ever. And they tipped me like $20.

If I had to choose

Shucker at an oyster bar here. I can say with out a doubt the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard was a man sitting with a woman who was getting more and more distraught and the man looks at her and says “Look I told you when this whole thing started if I had to choose between you or my wife, I’m picking my wife.”

Left-handed

Saw a mother take her knife and with the flat part of it wack the hand of her 2-year old child because she was drawing something with her left hand.

She yelled at her “No, use your right hand. Good girls don’t write with their left hand.”

This was as I was standing there taking their order and writing with my left hand.

Rules

This was over 10 years ago and I had no idea what swinging and wife-swapping was… working breakfast fairly early at a downtown hotel in a big city.

Husband is clearly upset and wife is acting half-sheepish/half-annoyed and they’d instantly get very quiet whenever anyone approached. Their conversation was clearly heated and the restaurant was pretty empty with high ceilings and marble walls (old bank) … so even slightly raised voices carried.

I’m walking towards the table and they didn’t see me coming…

Husband: “How could I not be upset?! You let him fuck your ass! Why did we even talk about rules if they don’t matter?”

“Don’t say another word, Peter.”

I approached table with a family of five to take their order. Two adults and three kids from about ages 5 to 10 or so. One of the kids starts to say something and the father (strong Irish accent) cuts him off by saying, “Don’t say another word Peter. Nobody says a f-ing thing until princess Mommy makes up her f-ing mind and decides what she wants for dinner.”

Followed by long awkward silence and me leaving.

Chug

“You chug that mojito like you’re gonna chug me when we get back home.”

Just picture Mr. Magoo

Restaurant manager. One day I was greeting guests walking in the front door. An elderly man came hobbling in. Had to have been at least 90 years old, just picture Mr. Magoo and you will have my vision. I say, “Sir welcome, how are you doing today?”

He turns to me and with the straightest face says, “Well, I got the pussy.”

I glance at my hostess who has gone bright red, and turn back to him, “I’m sorry what?”

“I’ve got the pussy, you know, when you feel great but look like shit.”

Winks at me and scuttles down to his table. I can honestly say I have never laughed as much at a guests joke in my life.

My son loves Billy Bob Thornton

I waited tables for 10 years at this small family owned restaurant in rural Ohio that had a “Famous” sandwich. It was on a few Food Network shows and stuff like that.

A family comes in, mom, dad, two little kids. I take their drink orders and as I am getting the drinks, the dad pulls me aside.

Dad: My son is obsessed with Billy Bob Thornton. We told him that Billy Bob comes here and eats from time to time, so could you just play along.

Me: Yeah of course, no problem.

I return with the drinks and the son, who is about 5 years old, starts asking me questions about Billy Bob Thornton. Like what he orders, if he is nice, stuff like that. I make shit up, because I want a good tip and don’t want to ruin this little kid’s life. He is so excited to hear that Billy Bob comes to the same place he is at.

I can only imagine other scenarios where Billy Bob Thornton has appeared in this kid’s life.

Oh, Buddy

Ex waiter. I’m walking down a long hallway carrying a tray of food. A kid comes running from an perpendicular hallway and run face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says,”Buddy, you just can’t go running into walls.” I muffled my immediate laugh with my hand. It brought tears to my eyes.

Grandpa is paying

Family of like eight or so, Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter.

As I walk up he says, “It’s too tight, I can’t get it in…(smiles and elbows his wife)…sure haven’t said that in a while.” She turned bright red, said his name in that “you’re in trouble” tone and gave him a much harder elbow.

Tales of a bartender (part. 1)

I was at the bar, not waiting tables, but I have two. The first was a couple that sat down directly in front of where I was washing glasses. This was during the NBA Finals so I thought it was a bit odd they seemed so sad while everyone else was enjoying the game. They spent at least four hours there and from what I was able to hear they were discussing having another kid to fix their relationship.

I guess she had cheated on him because she felt ’empty’ but didn’t want to end their relationship as they already had kids together. The guy was clearly very upset but said he’d support her if this is what she wanted.

The other was last week during a huge fundraiser we hosted. A group of three or four ladies were noticeably uncomfortable and when I asked if they were okay they told me that one of them had a stalker who constantly shows up at her house, work, etc., and calls her repeatedly.

He just showed up to the bar. She had threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave her alone, so what did he do? Naturally he bought her a drink as an apology.

Tales of a bartender (part. 2)

While bar tending a man once told me he was going to kill his boss because an accident at the cement plant killed his friend, and nothing was done to fix the problem.

I also had a guy come to the bar, order a bottle of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer and a shot of vodka. He did this several times and would stand between the bar and his table and pour the vodka in the beer, then go back to his table.

“You’re in trouble.”

We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time.

One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him “Ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.”

Woman said, “Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the fuck has he been coming here with?” Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband.

My coworker just turned around and walked away.

“He took it like a vitamin.”

When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn’t there. The stories they told were crazy and personal. One woman at a table of six lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed Viagra. “He took it like a vitamin – one pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn’t understand why.”

Happy anniversary

Had a guy confess to banging his SO’s sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.

What do you think really happened?

Late one night I had this couple who were maybe in their late 30s. The guy looked a little like a ‘roid-head and had a lot of tattoos, tough looking guy.

From the moment they came in, the woman was crying the whole time. Not like, a little bit crying but straight up bawling. She hadn’t talked to me the entire time, but the guy was very chatty. He explained to me how he had just found out that he only had a few months left to live and how she, his “angel” was gonna take care of his boy for him and all this shit. Anyway, I felt pretty genuinely bad cause that’s a pretty fucked up thing to hear.

Then I saw them come in again over a year and a half later — acting totally normal. They didn’t remember me, but how do you forget the face of someone that told you they were dying.

My theory is that he was abusive and was making up some cover story as to why she was crying that night. Either that or he miraculously survived without looking sickly at all, which in that case good on him.

Photos: StockSnap | Stories have been edited for spelling and flow.
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Hit-Or-Miss News

Constipated Man Shoves Live Eel Up His Butt To Eat Away Blockage, Here’s What Went Wrong

As we’ve learned as we get older, fiber is essential to our diets. Especially in this line of food-heavy work.

It seems a man in Guangzhou, China needed just a bit more fiber in his lifestyle as he had a pretty bad case of constipation, reports SoraNews.

His solution to this shitty problem? The dude thought it was the best form of treatment to shove a live 20-inch eel up his butt to eat away all of his shit blockage.

Yes, rather than buying laxatives or seeing a physician, he thought it would be a good idea to try this ancient folk remedy he heard about.

Unfortunately, the terrified creature tore through the man’s intestines before getting stuck in his midsection.

The man went to the hospital, yet avoided informing doctors of his newfound friend. Imagine their surprise when they ran tests and discovered this dude’s “home remedy” just sitting in his stomach. Immediate surgery was needed in order to prevent further harm to the man’s life.

Sadly, the eel died while inside the man. He was, however, said to be recovering after the procedure. Check out the recreation of the incident provided by TomoNews in the video above, complete with post-surgery photos.

The takeaway from this? Maybe eat more fiber and shove less eels in your body.

Maybe.

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News

Woman Finds Finger In Her Applebee’s Salad, Guess What She Does Next

Salad-Stk

When this California woman ordered a salad at an Applebee’s, she probably didn’t expect to get a little extra ingredient on her meal. That little ingredient was a bloody finger, The San Luis Obispo Tribune reports.

Last December, the woman had been dining with her family and ordered a Chinese chicken salad from the restaurant. There, she found a piece of someone’s finger. Turns out it belonged to one of the cooks at that Applebee’s location.

The woman has since filed a lawsuit against the chain seeking damages for medical expenses for testing, emotional stress and loss of income.

A spokesperson for Applebee’s replied to the incident with a statement saying this incident was “unacceptable” and that the company is currently in communications with the woman to address her concerns as well as working with employees to ensure something like this would never happen again.

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Hit-Or-Miss

The Party Animal Pasts These 5 Celebrity Chefs Don’t Want You To Know

Sex and drugs and… lobster rolls? Why does it seem that so many celebrity chefs have a wild side? Maybe they just like slurping things out of spoons so much that they decided to try injecting those same things?

Many of them claim that their joie de vivre is the very thing that makes them such good chefs—in essence, their indulgent nature lets them know how to help other people indulge. Well, thank god they’re slinging crème brûlée and not crack cocaine. Let’s take a look at the rituals and party habits of some of the most well known chefs around the globe.

Anthony Bourdain

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While we’ll never know all of what Bourdain smuggled in parts unknown, this jetsetter enjoys a vibrant lifestyle and never shies away from the sauce. Before he became famous, however, he fostered notorious habits for cocaine, heroin, and the occasional acid trip—which he describes vividly in his book Kitchen Confidential. He was also a remorseless, two-and-a-half pack a day smoker, until his daughter was born in 2007.

Keith Floyd

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This chef might not be recognizable to many Americans, but he influenced an entire generation of boozing British gourmands. His off-the-cuff style included cracking jokes with members of his crew and drinking goblets of wine while filming. His excessive lifestyle of heavy drinking, smoking, and extravagant eating ultimately did him in, but he remains a whiskey-pickled touchstone for a hundred other party-hearty celebrity chefs that followed in his footsteps.

Nigella Lawson

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British cook Nigella Lawson rose to success on the back of her book How to Be a Domestic Goddess. While she amassed a fortune of reportedly £100 million, money couldn’t buy her happiness, especially after she married art collector Charles Saatchi. The emotionally abusive relationship led Lawson to seek refuge in cocaine and pot. (Unfortunately, the abusive Saatchi forbade her from entertaining, meaning there was never any amazing coke- and pot-fueled gourmet Friendsgiving you’re imagining.) After the two split, she’s maintained that she’s totally drug free.

Epic Meal Time

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The meat-headed madmen at Epic Meal Time are constantly upping their game, and recently their cookouts have become full-blown ragers. With sexy assistants and tons of meat, what more do you want from a party? But these beasts of BBQ were smart enough to add a healthy dose of booze to their unhealthy dose of a calories, and Jack Daniels is a regular invite to each and every meal time.

Andrew Zimmern

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This cheeky traveler used to steal more than just a taste of Bizarre Foods. When he was getting down, Zimmern would snatch full purses to get his fix. While he hasn’t fully disclosed his personal habits during this dark period in his life, Zimmern was reportedly homeless for about a year and half owing to severe drug and alcohol addiction. Compared to that, eating octopus anus probably doesn’t sound so bad.

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Hit-Or-Miss

12 Uncomfortable And Offensive Cakes You Won’t Believe Exist

Are you tired of the same old, pleasant, appealing birthday cake? Well, why not take one of these wildly offensive cakes for a spin? From historic tragedies, to vulgarities, to sexual deviancy, there’s something for everybody… to get offended by. Have a slice of disgust below before you, kindly, go fuck yourself.

1. When You Finally Decide To Leave Tinder

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I’m just here for the cake. Wait… what did you say this frosting was made of?

2. The Baby Shower From Hell

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Your two favorite things, together at last!

3. So, About Your Pet Horse…

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Dibs on the tongue!

4. When Grandma’s Got A Potty Mouth

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We’re all sorry about that, Carol. P.S. My birthday was last month.

5. Sometimes, Unfriending Isn’t Enough

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Even leprechaun parents aren’t proud that you majored in dance at Chico State.

6. The “Where’s Waldo” Of Terrifying Desserts

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Perfect for friends that loooove to solve puzzles.

7. How To Quell Bae’s Fears

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Then why isn’t it on your mouth, Kyle? Why isn’t it on your mouth?

8. The Jared Fogle Cake

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Unless your windowless van can take us all the way to Iceland, I’m going to have to decline.

9. “Never Forget Your Birthday”

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Who could possibly forget these two tasty towers?

10. The Colonoscopy Cake

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Why pronunciation is crucial when ordering a bundt cake.

11. The Interracial Lesbian Anniversary Cake

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Got pussy?

12. How To Show Someone You Hate Them

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Clearly the most offensive and disgusting cake on this entire list.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

6 Times Our Favorite Food Companies Fed Us Complete Bullshit

Depending on whom you ask, the phrase “truth in advertising” makes about as much sense as “shy, literate professional wrestler.” The difference between scientific fact and marketing gimmick is an ever-widening gulf, and these are just some of the corporate culprits that got caught with their filthy mitts in the cookie jar. Join us now in hawking a collective loogie on these despicable bastards and everything they claim to stand for.

Just Mayo

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As you’ll come to see in this article, word’s like “Just”, “Simply”, and “Naked” mean very little when they appear on food labels. In this case, “Isn’t Even Technically” would be a more accurate descriptor for this mayo. Thanks to the interests of Unilever (who, oh by the way, manufactures Best Foods/Hellmann’s), the company’s lying name was brought to light in 2014, with some pseudo-illegal help from the American Egg Board. They don’t use any eggs (despite the fact that its label is basically just a picture of an egg), meaning they’re not allowed to call themselves mayonnaise.

Unilever eventually dropped the suit due to a major backlash, but Just Mayo was soon in hot water themselves for marketing themselves as a healthier alternative to other mayo options. The vegan mayonnaise contained such high levels of fat that the FDA ordered them to quit advertising felonious health benefits.

McDonald’s Monopoly

For over 75 years, McDonald’s has carefully cultivated an image that’s something akin to the Phillip Morris of fast food. Yes, this company and every single product it produces seems to affect the general health of America, yet we just can’t say no to their dollar double-cheeseburgers. But, aside from the woes decried in movies like Supersize Me, there’s also the rigged Monopoly sweepstakes scandal. It was found that between 1995 and 2000, marketing executives had pilfered the most valuable pieces, taking nearly $24 million while all I got was a small fucking fry with the purchase of a medium soda. May the plague of a thousand Big Macs clog the arteries of their souls.

 

Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte

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A seasonal favorite of basic bitches everywhere, the runaway success of the Pumpkin Spice Latte is just fucking gross at this point. As you may recall, there was an uproar last fall regarding the lack of pumpkin or spice in PSLs. After having the orange ooze (roughly the color of Snooki) chemically tested, Vani Hari aka Food Babe reported that not only did it not contain a trace of pumpkin, but was dishearteningly rich in caramel color class IV—thought by many to be carcinogenic, though this has been disputed. Still, Starbucks heard us loud and clear; they released the seasonal latte this year with actual pumpkin and sans cancerous caramel.

Naked Juice

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Jeez, all these fatty foods and sugary drinks make you wanna reach for something healthy, right? DON’T DO IT! Naked juice got in hot water in 2012 for claims that it was all natural… y’know, naked. Well, much like a pornstar, “naked” does not necessarily mean “all-natural”. Many of the supplements used in the formulation of the juices did not come from natural, non-GMO sources, and certainly don’t qualify as fruit. The Pepsi subsidiary also caught heat for containing more sugar per ounce than it’s parent company’s flagship soft drink, while at the same time doling out more unverifiable “magical elixir” promissory statements than Dr. Fucking Oz.

Rice Krispies

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It’s always good to capitalize on general unrest and mass panic. Or at least it is if you’re smoking snap, crackle and pop on a regular basis. Kellogg’s Rice Krispies did exactly that at the peak of the swine flu pandemonium in 2009, claiming that the cereal “Now helps support your child’s immunity,” though they never actually bothered to change the recipe. Any one who’s ever eaten the cereal will tell you that it should only be used as a cheap alternative to packaging peanuts. At any rate, the Federal Trade Commision slapped an injunction on the cold cereal mogul stating that they need to base their claims on something called “evidence.”

M&Ms

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And lastly, these little lying bastards who DEFINITELY MELT IN YOUR FUCKING HANDS!

Categories
News

This School District Got Caught Serving Six-Year-Old Meat

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Students of the Hawkins County school system in Tennessee were served expired meat in the cafeteria. How old was the meat? Reports say that the pork roast served to the students sat in the cafeteria freezers since 2009.

SIX YEARS.

The Hawkins County commissioner, Michael Herrel, received a photo last week of the six-year-old pork roast in question from a cafeteria cook. The cook worked at Joseph Rogers Primary School, which happened to be the only school in the county that didn’t serve the years-old pork to its students.

Another cook from Cherokee High School also spoke to Herrel, who also was a parent, and told him that the meat there went bad as well. However, the cook’s manager simply told him to cover it in gravy to mask the taste.

According to USDA rules, roast should be served between four to 12 months.

The school county will begin an inventory of all its meats as well as perform random inspections to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. So far there have been no reported illnesses from the pork.

Photo: WBay