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14 Food Delivery Tales That Are Weird, Terrifying, And Downright Disgusting

Once a former pizza deliver boy, I know there can be some pretty weird experiences while dropping off food to customers late into the night.

A recent question was posted on Reddit, asking food delivery people what were some of the weirdest deliveries they’ve ever had to make. Some of these tales are odd, others hilarious, and some are downright terrifying.

You can check out the highlights from the thread below. As with everything else found on Reddit, be sure to take these stories with a grain of salt.

Enjoy, and make sure to tip your food deliverers appropriately!


“Willis is in the dog food again!”

Pulled up to this easily $1.5-2 million house. Lady opens the door and as she’s signing the receipt I hear, “Bethany! Willis is in the dog food again!” This is deep in Louisiana, so this is all in a typical Southern drawl. I look behind her and see a man chasing a full grown pot-belly pig wearing an LSU jersey away from what I assume is the dog food area.

Willis returned to the area shortly after.


Amish family dinner

Delivered 30 pizzas to an Amish family. About a 35 minute drive. The entire family met me outside to grab a pizza. I took the rest in and followed them inside to their dining table. The elder of the family gestured to me to sit down with them and he pointed to the one open seat. I realized that they saved me a seat to eat with them.

I didn’t know too much about the Amish back then, and I wasn’t sure how rude it would be to say that in working and couldn’t/shouldn’t. I was also thinking on the other hand they could have killed me (remember I wasn’t an educated 16 year old). So I sat down and ate two slices of pepperoni pizza with them. I found the girl across the table to be very attractive. They said a prayer of some sort and didn’t talk much after that. Just asked my name and how thankful they were for me to drive all that way. I finally had to get back to work. They didn’t tip, which was fine.

I enjoyed the time with them.


Undies

Mid to late 50-year-old man comes to the door in an opened towel robe wearing Spider-Man undies.

I was a Chinese food delivery girl back in high school.

This gentleman opened the door very casually and honestly, I didn’t think much of his undies.

What was really funny was from the other room I hear what I assumed to be his wife call out, “Is that Chinese or Pizza? Did I win?!”

The man saw the white plastic bag and sighed. “You won!”

As he was closing the door after giving a generous tip all I could hear was a celebratory woooh from the woman.


The baddest of the bunch

I once delivered pizza to what seemed like a gang house. I pulled up and there are all these intimidating dudes with tattoos and bandanas all wearing the same colored clothes. I puckered up and felt my scrotum shrivel as I awkwardly shuffled past them with a bunch of pizzas to ring the doorbell.

They were all staring me down and it felt like the longest walk ever.

The person who ordered the pizza must have been the head honcho because he looked like the baddest of the bunch. The total was like $70 and he gave me a $100 bill and told me to keep the change.

I bolted out of there and returned back to the pizza place on autopilot because I was so scared.


Not one to ruin a good time…

I delivered pizza to a house, the instructions said to open the gate and go into the backyard and knock on the back door. Now, I was really early. I showed up at their door probably about 12-15 minutes after they had placed the order as we were very slow. As I entered the backyard, I heard really loud moaning coming from the open window and realized the customers were having sex.

I’m not the one to ruin a good time, so I decided to wait until they finished before I knocked on the door. I just stood there in their backyard with a pizza in my hand for a good 10 minutes. One of their neighbors heard what was going on and saw me in there and decided to pop outside and just stand there staring at me the whole time making sure that I’m not stealing anything.

Anyway, most awkward 10 minutes of my life.


The splash zone

A man answered the door in a robe. The robe was closed, but I guess he wasn’t wearing underwear, because as we’re exchanging money, a stream of piss starts to fall between his legs and right onto his own carpet. He doesn’t seem to notice, or just doesn’t care.

I take a big step back out of the splash zone, and he just keeps making small talk while it’s happening.


This is a robbery

I know of a kid who was a drug addict that had pizza delivered to his house. Once he heard the doorbell, he walked out his back door with a ski mask on and robbed the delivery driver in front of his own home. After that, he walked back around the home and opened the front door from inside pretending to be surprised that the guy was robbed.

Idiot ended up getting arrested but it was the worst plan ever hatched by someone I knew.


“Coming!”

I was delivering a pizza and after I knocked on the door I heard a far away voice yell “Coming!” so I waited. After about a minute I hear the same voice a little closer yell “Almost there just wait!”

This continues for several minutes, with the voice coming closer and closer until the person finally reaches the door and opens it. I’m expecting to see someone at eye level, however instead I’m greeted by a smiling person on the floor who had no legs and dragged themselves across the house to answer the door.

I offered to put the pizza inside for them in the kitchen and they were pretty appreciative


Full of weird shit

So I delivered like five pizzas to this guy once. I had to ring the doorbell several times before he came to the door. When he got there he didn’t really say anything except to come on in real quick.

Now you aren’t supposed to go in people’s houses but I decided who cares I can defend myself. I get inside this guy’s huge house and i’ts full of weird shit. There was a full suit of armor right by the door, and somewhere he had this Halloween CD playing creepy, deep voiced laughs.

While he’s searching for his wallet the biggest dog I’ve ever seen walks up to me and falls at my feet pushing me over. So I’m sitting next to a suit of armor petting this huge-ass dog waiting for this middle-aged man to pay me.

He gave me a $40 tip.


“Let him keep the rest!”

I delivered pizzas for a few years in college.

One of my deliveries to a hotel had a guy answer the door in nothing but boxers and a beanie. We trade money for pizza and as I give him his change, I hear another guy yell, unseen, from behind the corner, “If he’s cute, let him keep the rest!” The guy at the door hands me back the change and smiles.

I wasn’t sure how to react, so I just turned and left.


Photo: Constantine Spyrou

Completely naked

I was a delivery boy for an Asian restaurant for a while. Had a delivery down a sketchy, very bumpy road in the back of my small town near all these trailers. When they answered the door, there was a 50-60 year old lady standing completely naked in front of me, as well as two men of the same age sitting on the couch with their dongs out, again, completely naked.

I obviously got out of there as fast as possible. I took her signature and nearly ran away. She yelled at me through the window “Come inside with us!” And I said “Fuck no!” as I was walking away, and she proceeded to curse at me as I jogged back to my car.


Imaginary money

The guy who answered the door looked like he had just seen a ghost and was a little jittery so I’m pretty sure he was on some kind of drugs.

Anyways, he hands me $10 for a $15 bill and tries to go back inside really quick. I realize that he didn’t hand me enough money so I knock on the door and tell the guy he still owed me like $5 dollars so he starts patting his pockets and finally pulls his hand out to as if to give me more money but has nothing in his hand.

He extended his hand to give me this imaginary money and was visually surprised when I wasn’t fooled by his trickery.

The guy does this two or three more times before having me call my manager to attempt to use his card to pay even though I’m sure he knew it wouldn’t work. At this point, he goes back inside because he “just heard his roommate come in” and is going to “borrow money from him.”

So I wait, and I wait until I knock again. The guy cracks the door, sees it’s me, and closes the door again really quick like he was surprised I didn’t go away. Eventually after about 10 minutes of annoyance and feeling like I might get stabbed I told the guy I either needed money or the food, which he reluctantly gave back.

All in all a very strange experience.


“Keep the change, pal”

This is definitely one of the most memorable deliveries I had when I worked as a driver for this Japanese restaurant.

It was sent to this house with an order of a steak hibachi and a couple of sushi rolls that added up to something like $19.60. I liked to call before I got to a place, just to give people a bit of a heads up, so by the time I got to the door it was already open. In the doorway stood a chubby kid, about 9 or 10 years old that reminded me a lot of the kid from Bad Santa, but without the curly hair.

I tell him the total as I pass off his food. He hands me a $20 bill and with a straight face he smugly says, “Keep the change, pal.” Immediately after, he closes the door and I stood there for a second trying to process what just happened. When I got back to my car I noticed the time and realized it was way too early for that kid to be home from school. I couldn’t help but laugh at the whole situation.

No wonder he sounded a bit cocky when he told me that I could keep the $.40 in change. This kid probably faked being sick so he could stay from school and was probably in there watching TV or playing video games while eating sushi and feeling like a big shot.

I know I would’ve at that age.


Not-so-shy-guy

I rang the doorbell and a woman about my age — 23 at the time — opened the door. We were going through the usual exchange of pizza and money, when another woman who appeared to be her mother began walking towards us. “Well if you’re not going to do it, I will,” she said, while at the same time removing her shirt.

I was somewhat taken aback and must have looked confused while keeping eye contact with the young woman who was visibly embarrassed. “Don’t be shy, you can look at them you know,” the mother said.

I glanced down at her boobs, then up to her face and gave a nod of approval. I looked back at the daughter, said thank you and walked back to my car. They tipped well too, so pretty decent delivery if I’m honest.


Note: Stories have been edited for spelling and flow. 

Categories
Cravings Hit-Or-Miss Humor

Weirdo On Craigslist Wants To Cook While Couples Make Love

Hired.

A post shared by Jessica Anteby (@beigecardigan) on

Craigslist is a great place to try and sell your washer or used car, but it’s also a place where you’ll find the strangest requests — by people who are probably insane.

Case in point, this guy who put up an ad, asking to cook for you and your partner while you guys are getting busy in the bedroom.

The hilarious post said:

“Seeking a couple who likes sex and Italian food. I simply want to come to your place when you’re about to have sex. I’ll be in your kitchen making gnocchi with crab meat, which is my favourite dish. When you’re done having sex I’ll let myself out and you can enjoy this meal at your leisure. You MUST provide the crab. I’ll do the rest. Serious people only.”

This is pretty much the opportunity of a lifetime. This guy is willing to cook for you, and all you have to do is have sex with your partner, while he’s in the kitchen getting his Gordon Ramsay on.

The only risk is that this lunatic could be touching himself and getting off to the thought of you in the bedroom.

Yeah, the cons seem to outweigh the pros on this one. I’ll pass, Mr. 6’3″ married Italian cook, but thanks for the offer.

h/t brobible

Categories
Cravings Health Nightlife

Different Foods That Can Destroy Your Private Parts

Food can be an exciting way to mix things up in the bedroom, but if you’re not careful, those foods can put a hurting on your sensitive private areas.

There are actually several foods that can cause harm to the vagina, anus, and in some isntances, the penis.

I know what you’re thinking, this is going to be a list full of giant phallic foods, like eggplants, or cucumbers, but it goes a little deeper than that.

The rule of thumb seems to be that you can use any food during sex, as long as it’s not being placed in the vagina, or rectum, but here’s what can happen when you do decide to break the rules:

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Syrupy Sweets

Honey, chocolate syrup and jelly all sound like amazing foods for foreplay, and they are, but try to steer clear of the vagina. Those particular types of foods aren’t easy to clean up, and if they make their way into the vagina, there’s a major chance of getting yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis.

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Fruits and Veggies

If you try to get kinky with certain smaller produce, such as berries and grapes, there’s a chance they get stuck inside the vagina, and if you forget that they’re in there, it only gets harder for doctors to get out. Plus, there’s also the fact that no matter how well you wash the the fruits and veggies, they still have bacteria, leading to infections.

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Spicy Food

Because… DUH!

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Oily Food, or Oil

olive oil lubricant goes wrong
If you’re deep into the coconut oil fad, don’t bring that madness into the bedroom. It might sound like a good lube, but it can easily trap bacteria and increase the chance of vaginal infections. Even if it’s extra virgin olive oil, don’t fall for the temptation of its supposed purity.

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Alcohol


Don’t take shots off your wife’s cave of wonders. OK, but seriously, if you have a champagne shower and it makes its way to the vagina or anus, it’s definitely going to get irritated.

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Food That’s Too Hot, Or Too Cold

Mucous membranes are extra sensitive to to extreme temperatures, and while it won’t cause any long-term effects, your privates can get traumatized and feel terrible.

h/t self

Categories
Packaged Food Video

We Reviewed Edible Sex Toys, From Gummy Penises To Candy Bras

In case you’re looking for some delicious inspiration to spice sweeten up your love life this Valentine’s Day, we here at FOODBEAST have got your back.

On an unsuspecting day, I walked in on the dudes Elie and Rudy eating out of a bag of dicks. You heard me.

For this episode of UNBOXED, we try a variety of sexually suggestive sex toys that are pretty much edible. These include a bag of gummy penises, edible panties, a tasteful edible bra, and flavored condoms.

If there was any horrifying opportunity to get a glimpse into Elie and Rudy’s sex lives, this was it. Watching Elie eat the candy bra off my hairy co-worker’s bare naked chest will forever haunt my dreams.

Still, the things we do in the name of discovery. Mad respect, fellas.

Check out the latest episode of UNBOXED above. The clock starts now in case you need to plan out your Valentine’s Day.

Note: Do NOT eat the condoms. Those were just for flavoring only. 

Categories
Packaged Food

Man Finds ‘Condom’ Like Prize In His Jar Of Jam

There are only a few expectations one has when opening a fresh jar of jam for the very first time. A used condom, is probably one of the few things you’d expect to see once that lid pops open.

Troy Hawkins, Mashable reports, posted on his Facebook a photo of an opened jar of jam he had apparently purchased from a Co-op Food in the United Kingdom. Inside of the jar, he found something that suspiciously looked like an un-rolled condom.

Co-op replied to the image, claiming it was “production foam” that solidified during the bottling process. Upon his initial complaint, they even compensated him a bit for his grief, though not enough to silence his frustration.

CoOP-Condom-Response

So what do you think? Is is a freak production occurrence made from the residual white foam? Or did some one have a little too much, albeit safe, ‘fun’ with the sweet jelly product?

The real tragedy is that single slice of un-jellied toast just sitting on Hawkins’ kitchen table.

Categories
Humor Now Trending

Durex Trolls Everyone With Eggplant-Flavored Condoms Nobody Asked For

Durex’s condom-game is pretty strong, but their trolling-game is probably stronger as they tweeted out that their newest flavored condom would taste like an eggplant.

If you happen to be a human being, you’re probably familiar with the eggplant emoji as the universal euphemism for any phallic-based message conversation, so the fact that it would even be considered for a condom flavor, is both comical and revolting.

Turns out, even though they presented the tweet as ” breaking news,” it was just a clever PR stunt, as it looks like Durex is trying to promote the development of a condom emoji.

Pretty solid strategy on their part, as Taco Bell pushed a similar social media campaign, helping the taco emoji become a real, beautiful thing that we can all use on our phones now.

It’s a good thing that it was all a ruse, because egg plant-flavored condoms sound like the worst, and the Twitterverse agreed:

__________

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Categories
Hit-Or-Miss Products

This Ice Cream Cone Vibrator Could Really Make Women Melt

For as long as sex has been around, which, if my calculations are correct is at least 200-300 years, men and women have been finding new and exciting ways to smash cheeks with each other, particularly with the use of food. For reasons beyond me, there is a glaring lack of vibrators and dildos shaped like our favorite foods.Screen Shot 2016-03-23 at 11.30.58 AMScreen Shot 2016-03-23 at 11.09.56 AM

Well ladies, the urge to combine sex and food in a satisfying way has been unearthed! Firebox came out with another amazing thing we don’t need but desperately want when they released their i-Scream Vibrator.

With 10 different speeds to choose from, the i-Scream Vibrator even comes in a retro-style pinstripe box and a little button that plays snazzy jazz tunes. Just make sure you hide it in a place your children will never reach, because there are few thoughts more horrific than what happens when they find it.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Firebox 

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Kinky Wife Sticks Fruit Up Her Privates ALL DAY For Her Marriage

People do some pretty crazy and nasty things in bed. I’m no saint either, I once asked a girl to hogtie me and slap my nipples like they brought dishonor to her family.

One reddit user known as morninglost recently posed a question for the Reddit community. I can sit here and try to explain it thoroughly, but I’d rather just come out and say it while picturing the shocked “O” face you’ll likely be making: she shoves fruits and vegetables up her vagina and leaves them there all day for her husband to eat when he gets back. Check out her short back story:

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 11.40.50 AM

Right now you’re imagining it.

Ok, now you’re wondering if leaving food in a vagina all day is bad for it, and assuring yourself it has to be.

Finally, you’re wondering what the hell is wrong with her husband. You’re also thinking, “food-stuffed vaginas have never once saved a marriage…well, at least none that I know of.”

Guess where those grapes have been all day.

 

Thankfully for morninglost, one of the commenters was a family doctor who gave a detailed overview of the risks associated with putting things that aren’t a penis into your vagina. Friendly as the good doctor was, his opening line was still a bit curious. He started off by saying, “I’m a family doctor with an interest in helping people explore kinks and sexual interests in a healthy way, but I’m not a gynecologist.”*

A family doctor that likes helping people explore kinks? Yikes, color me concerned. Still, he brought up some good points, such as the risk for toxic shock syndrome and sexually transmitted infections.

Screen Shot 2016-03-03 at 12.03.37 PM

I still can’t figure out what the “hot” part of this fetish is. Is he trying to ferment the fruit or something? Does he think he’s going to come home to some carrot vagina wine? And when she says things like pears and apples, does she mean the entire fruit!? Did Hermione use an Extension Charm on morninglost’s vagina? Because I don’t know how else you would fit an entire apple in there.

Also, your husband wants you to put food in your body, but not through your mouth hole. Perhaps I’m overstepping my bounds, but maybe it’s time to start looking for a partner that enjoys his food refrigerated, rather than using your reproductive organs as a way-too-organic storehouse. Just my two cents.

Hey, whatever you gotta do to get your daily fruits and veggies, right?

 

 

*Editor’s Note: This sentence was edited for correctional purposes, none of the words were changed.

Photo Credit: Google, Reddit, Vocal Health, Ebaum’s World, Self