There are few things in this world that are greater than food, sex and sleep, particularly in that order. Since this isn’t sexbeast or sleepbeast, I figure I can focus on the food. Just as we daydream about having threesomes with celebrities, or how we long for our beds while at work, we also have borderline sexual fantasies about food.
I’ve compiled a collection of the most desirable foods from movies and television that I would sacrifice my firstborn child to taste. In fact, you can have the follow-up children as well, they’re never as good as the first one anyways.
1. Harry Potter – Butterbeer
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Sean, Butterbeer DOES exist! Look, here’s the recipe I found that some lady in Albuquerque named Ruth came up with!” Well, that’s kind of the issue. Butterbeer is described as “a little bit like less-sickly butterscotch.” On top of that, it has some alcoholic content to it, albeit a tiny amount. Still, I scoured the interwebz for a recipe that sounds as close to the description in the book as possible. Alas, they all cover the butterscotch portion but fail to bring the alcoholic factor into the equation. All I really want is to enjoy a sweet, crisp Butterbeer with my friends at the Three Broomsticks, is that so much to ask?
2. James And The Giant Peach – The Peach
“Ew Sean, all the bugs were walking around in the peach and shitting in it and stuff, what’s wrong with you?” Yes, bugs were walking around in it. But you know what? Those bugs were as humanoid as they come, and if you’re going to have walking, talking, fashion-conscious bugs, will you really have the balls to say, “Get out of my peach“? Furthermore, I’ve seen some of you share ice cream cones with your Rottweilers and shit, you know who you are. Besides, everything is better when it’s bigger, right? Have you ever been floored by a rack of chicken ribs? No you haven’t, liar.
3. Lord Of The Rings – Lembas Bread
Nutritious, delicious, sustaining and long-lasting. What more could you ask for in a simple piece of bread? Created by the Elves of Rivendell and the Woodland Realm, this bread was made to last months without going stale, as long as it stays wrapped in the green mallorn leaves it comes in. This square-shaped pastry was the staple meal for Samwise and Frodo on their long, treacherous journey, giving them just enough strength to make it to Mordor and free humanity from the clutches of that big eyeball guy. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to find a White Castle in Middle Earth. It’s either Lembas bread or the rotting corpse of “filthy orcses.” Your call, hobbits.
4. Spongebob Squarepants – Krabby Patties
Widely considered the greatest food in Bikini Bottom, this burger has retained its insanely large fanbase ever since sea sponges, crabs, squids and starfish began walking, talking and weightlifting. Invented in his younger days by Mr. Krabs, the money-hungry proprietor of the Krusty Krab, this burger has all the standard ingredients in a burger except for two things: the undersea cheese and the secret formula. Over the years, Spongebob and the Krusty Krab krew have come up with a wide variety of burgers, including the pretty patty, the double triple patty deluxe, the jelly patty, the monster patty and the chopper burger. The recipe for the flabby patty (a patty made to garner friendship between enemies), my personal favorite, is:
- Four pounds of “grade A love”
- One tablespoon of “listening”
- Two tablespoons of “cooperation”
- Mix ingredients
- Hold in warm heart
5. Hook – The Lost Boys’ Feast
I often fondly recall my time as a child, with my vivid imagination running wild and free, like a flying velociraptor that shoots fire and money out of it’s mouth, but not at the same time. In order to really enjoy this feast, you have to BELIEVE. Despite the fact that the only thing I can identify with certainty is the turkey, this scene always made me wish so badly that I could be there for this magnificent feast. I have to believe that the adventurous Christmas music playing during that scene is also part of my desire to partake in the meal, because it gets me really excited. Plus, you KNOW it’s going to turn into one of the most amazing food fights ever. Who wouldn’t want that? Barbarians and funsuckers, that’s who.
6. Friends – Chandler And Rachel’s Cheesecake
It’s fairly common knowledge that New York Cheesecake is one of the best types of cheesecake you can find, and many would argue that it is in fact the best. So how is one supposed to act when one finds the best New York Cheesecake IN New York!? Like a pair of bloodthirsty savages, of course. That’s how Chandler Bing and Rachel Green acted when the most amazing cheesecake they’ve ever had appeared on their doorstep. After eating the entire thing, the Gods looked down upon them favorably and sent them another cheesecake! They decided to split this one evenly, only both of their pieces ended up on the floor. The reason this cheesecake makes the list is because it was so good that they continued to eat the cheesecake…off the floor. Of course, who else shows up with a fork in hand, ready to join in on the ground grub, other than Joey Tribbiani? This time, Joey DOES share food.
7. Dr. Seuss – Green Eggs And Ham
“You know what, man? Keep following me around and shit, see what happens. I’m serious, Sam. I will knock your bitchass out right here, right now, fo’ real. I don’t want your green eggs and ham, fuckin’ weirdo. Shit is wack.”
That’s what the exchange in the beloved children’s book Green Eggs and Ham would sound like if it was modernized and dropped the rhyming scheme. Still, this meal (despite its questionable color) has made many a mouth water over the years. What kind of lonely shut-in would say no to sharing a meal with a fox in a box? I’ll tell you one thing, Sam, I would definitely eat them in a house with a mouse. By the end of the book, the guy who hates on them the whole time ends up loving them.
Wait, what? The green eggs and ham are actually green eggs and green ham? I thought they were a metaphor for acid? No? Oh. Ok, never mind, not so into them anymore.
8. Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory – Everything
This movie, perhaps above all else, is likely the sole reason for at least 80% of children’s cavities in the last 45 years. It was virtually impossible to watch this movie and not crave some sort of candy or chocolate. From the Chocolate River to the Fizzy Lifting Drinks to the Everlasting Gobstopper, the infinite number of things to put in your mouth in this fairy tale factory are overwhelming. In one room in particular, you can eat everything, and I mean everything, from the plants to the rocks to the river. Of course, all of the children suffered gruesome and horrific fates, whether it was drowning, blowing up, shrinking down or being burned alive in a furnace. Still, totes worth it.
9. Popeye The Sailor – Spinach
Considering the number of junk foods that have made it on this list already, it’s understandable that I feel the need to throw in some greenery. Even so, I wouldn’t do y’all dirty like that. Yes, it’s spinach, but not just any spinach. This spinach boasts the ability to make consumers so strong that their muscles begin growing within seconds of ingestion. Popeye’s love for the leafy green vegetable increased profitability in the spinach market (yes, that’s a thing) so much so that four different statues of the animated character were erected around the Unites States. FOUR. That’s five more Popeye statues than there should ever be. Still, if spinach gave people super strength, who WOULDN’T be eating that shit every day?
10. Family Guy – Pawtucket Patriot Ale
I’m a red-blooded American, and every red-blooded American likes a nice frosty beer every once in a while. Of course, if you’re Peter Griffin, you like a nice frosty Pawtucket Patriot Ale every 20 seconds. The fictional ale, made to look similar to Samuel Adams’ Boston Lager, has been the staple beverage on the show for the last 14 seasons. Peter’s love for the drink is so great, he even begins working at the brewery just to get his fair share of free brews. Some of the wild and adventurous shenanigans that Peter, Brian, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland get into after polishing off a couple of pitchers of the hoppy nectar make me think that the beer has something to do with it. Either that, or Stewie has been lacing their drinks with LSD. Yeah, that’s a thing.