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21 Waiters Confess The Most Messed Up Things They’ve Overheard While Waiting Tables

As a waiter, you sometimes have access to some of the most private and intimate conversations between patrons. Not that you should be eavesdropping, but sometimes one can’t help but overhear things while serving tables.

In a recent Reddit thread, waiters were asked what were some of the most fucked up things they’ve overheard while working. The thread blew up with stories both horrific and hilarious, not only from waiters but bartenders and other different kinds of servers in the restaurant industry.

Check out the tales below. As with everything else on Reddit, be sure to take these tales with a grain of salt.


Whale Vaginas

This tween boy was for some reason talking about whale vaginas in frightening detail. His older brother told him to “stop being a little immature shit.” The younger brother responded with “I thought you liked whale vaginas, isn’t that why you’re still dating Evelyn?”

I fucking lost it and quickly shuffled back to the kitchen before exploding with laughter.

I know, dear.

Older couple at Bob Evans.

“I just wish I could die already.”

“I know, dear.”

The Scumbags

I had my back to two guys who’d just arrived and were about three beers in. They start talking about a girl and what they’d do to her, nothing I haven’t heard a thousand times until this.

“Bet if we roofied her she’d do all of it,” followed by laughter.

I just chalk it up to shitty humor until one suggests just dropping it in her next drink.

I stepped out of the bar, had my manager call the cops, and kicked them out when the cops got there. Searched and sure as fuck they had oxy and roofies on them.

Never ask a nurse about their day

My favorite was a group of nurses though. Pouring waters as one says the sentence “so a guy came in for an adult circumcision yesterday…”

Miss the rest of the story, return with drinks just as she’s saying “Yeah, so Grace pulls back the foreskin, yea, he cums…”

Never ask a nurse about their day. It was worse than yours.

In walks a clown

Party of five or six, it’s a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and shit like that. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, we didn’t hire this guy.

He walks over to the table of five or six and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for.

He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens, and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night).

Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.

Shut up, Harvey.

I had a summer job at Gilligan’s, which is a shitty seafood place around the Charleston area. I seat this obese black couple who were actually pretty funny. They reminded me a lot of Chef’s (from South Park) parents.

Anyways, I bring them their drinks and ask if they’re ready to order. I can’t remember what the husband ordered, but the wife didn’t like it. So he looks at her and says “Woman, I’ll still eat that ass of yours when you eat chili, so don’t give me no shit for ordering what I want”.

She immediately replied “Harvey, I’ma just need you to shut the hell up.”

Then they both started laughing. Best table ever. And they tipped me like $20.

If I had to choose

Shucker at an oyster bar here. I can say with out a doubt the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard was a man sitting with a woman who was getting more and more distraught and the man looks at her and says “Look I told you when this whole thing started if I had to choose between you or my wife, I’m picking my wife.”

Left-handed

Saw a mother take her knife and with the flat part of it wack the hand of her 2-year old child because she was drawing something with her left hand.

She yelled at her “No, use your right hand. Good girls don’t write with their left hand.”

This was as I was standing there taking their order and writing with my left hand.

Rules

This was over 10 years ago and I had no idea what swinging and wife-swapping was… working breakfast fairly early at a downtown hotel in a big city.

Husband is clearly upset and wife is acting half-sheepish/half-annoyed and they’d instantly get very quiet whenever anyone approached. Their conversation was clearly heated and the restaurant was pretty empty with high ceilings and marble walls (old bank) … so even slightly raised voices carried.

I’m walking towards the table and they didn’t see me coming…

Husband: “How could I not be upset?! You let him fuck your ass! Why did we even talk about rules if they don’t matter?”

“Don’t say another word, Peter.”

I approached table with a family of five to take their order. Two adults and three kids from about ages 5 to 10 or so. One of the kids starts to say something and the father (strong Irish accent) cuts him off by saying, “Don’t say another word Peter. Nobody says a f-ing thing until princess Mommy makes up her f-ing mind and decides what she wants for dinner.”

Followed by long awkward silence and me leaving.

Chug

“You chug that mojito like you’re gonna chug me when we get back home.”

Just picture Mr. Magoo

Restaurant manager. One day I was greeting guests walking in the front door. An elderly man came hobbling in. Had to have been at least 90 years old, just picture Mr. Magoo and you will have my vision. I say, “Sir welcome, how are you doing today?”

He turns to me and with the straightest face says, “Well, I got the pussy.”

I glance at my hostess who has gone bright red, and turn back to him, “I’m sorry what?”

“I’ve got the pussy, you know, when you feel great but look like shit.”

Winks at me and scuttles down to his table. I can honestly say I have never laughed as much at a guests joke in my life.

My son loves Billy Bob Thornton

I waited tables for 10 years at this small family owned restaurant in rural Ohio that had a “Famous” sandwich. It was on a few Food Network shows and stuff like that.

A family comes in, mom, dad, two little kids. I take their drink orders and as I am getting the drinks, the dad pulls me aside.

Dad: My son is obsessed with Billy Bob Thornton. We told him that Billy Bob comes here and eats from time to time, so could you just play along.

Me: Yeah of course, no problem.

I return with the drinks and the son, who is about 5 years old, starts asking me questions about Billy Bob Thornton. Like what he orders, if he is nice, stuff like that. I make shit up, because I want a good tip and don’t want to ruin this little kid’s life. He is so excited to hear that Billy Bob comes to the same place he is at.

I can only imagine other scenarios where Billy Bob Thornton has appeared in this kid’s life.

Oh, Buddy

Ex waiter. I’m walking down a long hallway carrying a tray of food. A kid comes running from an perpendicular hallway and run face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says,”Buddy, you just can’t go running into walls.” I muffled my immediate laugh with my hand. It brought tears to my eyes.

Grandpa is paying

Family of like eight or so, Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter.

As I walk up he says, “It’s too tight, I can’t get it in…(smiles and elbows his wife)…sure haven’t said that in a while.” She turned bright red, said his name in that “you’re in trouble” tone and gave him a much harder elbow.

Tales of a bartender (part. 1)

I was at the bar, not waiting tables, but I have two. The first was a couple that sat down directly in front of where I was washing glasses. This was during the NBA Finals so I thought it was a bit odd they seemed so sad while everyone else was enjoying the game. They spent at least four hours there and from what I was able to hear they were discussing having another kid to fix their relationship.

I guess she had cheated on him because she felt ’empty’ but didn’t want to end their relationship as they already had kids together. The guy was clearly very upset but said he’d support her if this is what she wanted.

The other was last week during a huge fundraiser we hosted. A group of three or four ladies were noticeably uncomfortable and when I asked if they were okay they told me that one of them had a stalker who constantly shows up at her house, work, etc., and calls her repeatedly.

He just showed up to the bar. She had threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave her alone, so what did he do? Naturally he bought her a drink as an apology.

Tales of a bartender (part. 2)

While bar tending a man once told me he was going to kill his boss because an accident at the cement plant killed his friend, and nothing was done to fix the problem.

I also had a guy come to the bar, order a bottle of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer and a shot of vodka. He did this several times and would stand between the bar and his table and pour the vodka in the beer, then go back to his table.

“You’re in trouble.”

We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time.

One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him “Ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.”

Woman said, “Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the fuck has he been coming here with?” Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband.

My coworker just turned around and walked away.

“He took it like a vitamin.”

When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn’t there. The stories they told were crazy and personal. One woman at a table of six lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed Viagra. “He took it like a vitamin – one pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn’t understand why.”

Happy anniversary

Had a guy confess to banging his SO’s sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.

What do you think really happened?

Late one night I had this couple who were maybe in their late 30s. The guy looked a little like a ‘roid-head and had a lot of tattoos, tough looking guy.

From the moment they came in, the woman was crying the whole time. Not like, a little bit crying but straight up bawling. She hadn’t talked to me the entire time, but the guy was very chatty. He explained to me how he had just found out that he only had a few months left to live and how she, his “angel” was gonna take care of his boy for him and all this shit. Anyway, I felt pretty genuinely bad cause that’s a pretty fucked up thing to hear.

Then I saw them come in again over a year and a half later — acting totally normal. They didn’t remember me, but how do you forget the face of someone that told you they were dying.

My theory is that he was abusive and was making up some cover story as to why she was crying that night. Either that or he miraculously survived without looking sickly at all, which in that case good on him.

Photos: StockSnap | Stories have been edited for spelling and flow.
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FOODBEAST Tastemade/Snapchat

Read These Crazy True Stories of the Most Generous Tips Left For Servers

For those who have ever worked in the service industry, you recognize that the worst types of people who inhabit this earth aren’t slow walkers or mouth breathers or even loud chewers. No, you know that the most miserable humans are undoubtedly those who leave pathetic tips at restaurants.

These wretched individuals always have some sort of excuse as why their tips are so dismal, but usually the real reason is simple: they’re assholes.

However, horror stories of bad tippers often get counteracted with anecdotes of benevolent, kind-hearted patrons who recognize serving is no walk in the park. For every incubus who tips $2.00 for a $500 dollar meal, there is a gentle soul who shells out thousands of dollars for an otherwise cheap dinner that helps me believe in humanity again.

$100 Lemonade Stand


The only thing potentially more polarizing than this past Presidential election is the Kardashian/Jenner clan. However, I know at least a few youngins’ who are undeniably Team K. This summer, the youngest Jenner sister, Kylie, was cruising around Los Angeles with her longtime bestie, Anastasia “Stassie” Karanikolaou, in tow when they happened upon a lemonade stand. In true Kylie fashion, the then 18 year old starlet documented the whole escapade of her pulling up to the stand and purchasing a glass of lemonade via Snapchat. She’s seen giving the proprietors of the lemonade stand a crisp $100 bill for their product and offering a “We love you!” before driving off into Kardashian wonderland.

$6,100 To Pay For Tuition


In January of 2014, Abigail Sailor was an archetypical young college student struggling to pay her tuition. A freshman at North Dakota’s Trinity College, Sailor worked at a Cracker Barrel to support herself through school. One day, two customers walked into the restaurant and asked to be served by the grumpiest waiter to see if they could make him or her smile. When told they didn’t have any grumpy servers, the pair were seated in Sailor’s section as she was deemed the happiest waitress. When prompted, Sailor told the pair about her rough upbringing from losing her mother at a young age, to growing up in foster care and being abused by her foster father. Evidently touched by her story, one of the guests, who also happened to be a Trinity Alum, wrote her two checks: one a $5,000 tuition check and the other a $1,000 check for supplies. He also left a $100 tip for good measure, which Sailor gleefully split with a coworker.

$10,000 Pizza Hut Tip


Though admittedly I haven’t been to a Pizza Hut in quite a while, I’m fairly certain the pies don’t inherently warrant a $10,000 tip. For Jessica Osborne, however, this was the case when a family of regulars gifted her the life changing tip. In 2007, Osborne was 20 years old and a recent college dropout due to financial struggles thwarting her from continuing her education. She shared this with a regular patron named Becky, who also had been going through a tough time having recently lost her husband and eldest daughter in a car accident. After hearing Osborne’s story, Becky thought it’d be the “right thing to do” to use money garnered from the accident’s large settlement and help Jessica finish school by granting her $10,000.

$47,000 From Paris Hilton


It’s no secret the notorious heiress of the Hilton fortune is stupid rich, so to speak, but sometimes we just need a little reminder. In September of 2014, the eldest Hilton sister did what she does best (no I don’t mean DJing) and went out to a ~trendy~ Nightclub in New York City called Marquee. Joined by a slew of her fellow one percenters, the table ended up with a bar tab of $230,000 after ordering giant bottles of Ace of Spades Champagne, and 11 bottles each of Patrón, Cristal, and Grey Goose. Having been raised right, Paris left about a 20% tip which ended up equating to $47,000. Though I’m sure working that table was no easy feat, it’s likely worth it for a tip that could buy you a brand new Audi.

$20,000 From A Benevolent Millionaire


Melissa Mainer distinctly remembers that Benjamin Olewine’s bill was only $3.45. However, that didn’t stop the 92 year old do-gooder from tipping Mainer almost 5,800 times that amount. On track to become a registered nurse in April of 2014, Mainer was working at the Peachtree restaurant in Harrisburg Pennsylvania. 92 year old Olewine was a regular patron as well as Chairman Emeritus at Sysco Central Pennsylvania, a food distribution company. Working to pay off her massive nursing school debt, Olewine took the opportunity to share his wealth and pay off all her tuition bills amounting to about $20,000. Mainer is currently a debt free registered nurse thanks to her kind hearted benefactor.

$4,000 Tip Courtesy Of Johnny Depp


There’s a lot to talk about when it comes to Johnny Depp–his knee quivering good looks, his dramatic relationship with Amber Heard, or how he may or may not be the man behind the Brangelina split (Google It). Yet, whatever you want to say about the 53 year old A-lister, one thing you can’t say is that he’s not generous. When filming Public Enemies, Depp frequented Gibson’s Steakhouse where he was often served by one Mohammed A. Sekhani. After a night of poppin’ bottles totalling around $500 worth of wine, the Pirates Of The Caribbean star tipped Sekhani $4000. He was obviously elated and said of Depp, “I have waited on a lot of stars like Sean Connery and Robert De Niro but Johnny Depp is my favorite. He is a very soft spoken guy who is very charming and sweet… He may be one of the most famous actors in the world, but he is a very humble guy and a really cool dude.”

$3 Million Winning Lottery Ticket


A classic for a reason, the tale that inspired the 1994 film It Could Happen To You is one of the most iconic anecdotes of tipping gone right. Robert Cunningham, who’s portrayed by Nicholas Cage in the movie adaption of this story, was a long time regular at Sal’s Pizzeria in New York. He had a favorite waitress at the restaurant named Phyllis Penzo who had been working there for over two decades. One day, in lieu of a tip, Cunningham offered Penzo a deal to split a lottery ticket he had in his pocket. She accepted and they chose the numbers together for Cunningham’s $1 entry in the New York State Lotto Competition. Ironically, on April Fools Day Cunningham discovered the ticket was worth $6 Million dollars. The two, as promised, split the money evenly amounting to a payout of $285,715 a year over 21 years.

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Restaurants

Hooters Is Opening A New Restaurant With Fully-Clothed Servers

Hooters-AYCE-Wings-Cover

Aside from their chicken wings, Hooters is probably best known for their female servers dressed in tank tops and shorts. With the New Year upon us, the company is trying something new in the form of a brand-new fast-casual wing restaurant featuring…fully clothed workers.

According to the Tampa Bay Times, Hooters Management Corp. will be opening a new spot outside of Chicago called Hoots, A Hooters Joint. The upcoming restaurant will feature a one-page abbreviated menu from Hooters’ full-service restaurants.

It’s essentially an express Hooters.

According to a statement from Spokesperson Lizz Harmon, the concept will feature both male and female servers who will not be wearing the parent restaurant’s revealing outfits. That’s cool. We’re only gonna be there for the wings, anyways.

Hoots is slated to open sometime in mid-February in Cicero, Ill.

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Restaurants

This New Restaurant Will Have No Servers, Chefs Will Bring Their Meals To The Tables

People often complain about the service some waiters and waitresses provide to them in restaurants, so how can this problem be fixed? By cutting the servers out of the equation altogether, according to one restaurateur based in L.A.

Chef Phillip Frankland Lee is the owner, operator and head chef of Scratch Bar and Kitchen on La Cienega Boulevard in Beverly Hills, or at least that’s where it used to be. After shutting down that location, Lee is opening up a brand new Scratch Bar location on December 1st, 2015, in Encino, California.

The only difference between the new and old locations? The new one won’t be employing servers, but will instead have the kitchen employees (including the cooks) delivering the food to the tables themselves.

While everyone’s immediate assumption is that Lee just hates servers, the reality of it is much less spiteful and actually makes pretty good sense.

“I hate it when I go to a restaurant and someone takes my order and they don’t know the menu,” Lee said. “I wanted to have a situation where the only guy you’re talking to is someone in the kitchen cooking.”

Instead of having a new server bumbling over the ingredients of a particular dish or running back to the kitchen to dig up details after every question, the cooks will be available to give detailed information to the guests in regards to their food, providing much more thorough answers to any questions the visitors might have.

Since there won’t be any servers, effectively eliminating the need for tipping, each bill will come with an 18 percent service charge. Lee believes that this is a better way of paying his employees, claiming that he will be able to give them livable salaries now rather than simply providing them with the minimum wage.

The war against tipping is beginning to take shape. Which side are you on?

Image Source: LA Times, Zagat

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Hit-Or-Miss

The Most Common Restaurant Complaints by Diners [INFOGRAPHIC]

fork-spoon

Are you a negative Nancy when it comes to restaurant dining? You know — the kind that whines about imperfect dishes or bad service? Well, you’re not alone (although you might be driving waiters up a freakin’ wall). According to a 2014 survey of 1,003 adults by Consumer Reports, the average folk has plenty to complain about in restaurants.

It turns out about 16% of diners think it’s a turnoff when too much nutritional information is available, while 27% hate it when servers don’t bring water to the table unless asked. But the most common customer annoyance are receiving dirty utensils (78%), dirty restrooms (73%) and impolite or condescending servers (72%).

Any of these hit a nerve with you? Check out the full scope of complaints below:

Restaurant Complaints

Let’s just let it all out at once, 1, 2, 3… UGH.

Feel better?

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Video

Bill Maher Puts Christians on Blast for Stiffing Servers’ Tips

bill-maher-servers-tip

On Friday’s segment of Real Time with Bill Maher, host Bill Maher addressed recent reports of Christians stiffing restaurant servers on tips in the name of Jesus and argued that “there’s always a good moral Christian reason to tell everyone you meet to fuck off and die.”

Maher cited a story of an Applebee’s waitress in Missouri who received a note in replace of a tip that read, “I give God 10%. Why do you get 18,” and another incident in Kansas where a table refused to tip their waiter due to his “homosexual lifestyle.

“Just admit you’re selfish,” he urged conservatives, further pointing out that “not tipping your gay waiter will not make him put his penis in a woman. It will make him put his penis in your pasta primavera.”

Watch the clip below:

H/T Raw Story