Depending on whom you ask, the phrase “truth in advertising” makes about as much sense as “shy, literate professional wrestler.” The difference between scientific fact and marketing gimmick is an ever-widening gulf, and these are just some of the corporate culprits that got caught with their filthy mitts in the cookie jar. Join us now in hawking a collective loogie on these despicable bastards and everything they claim to stand for.
As you’ll come to see in this article, word’s like “Just”, “Simply”, and “Naked” mean very little when they appear on food labels. In this case, “Isn’t Even Technically” would be a more accurate descriptor for this mayo. Thanks to the interests of Unilever (who, oh by the way, manufactures Best Foods/Hellmann’s), the company’s lying name was brought to light in 2014, with some pseudo-illegal help from the American Egg Board. They don’t use any eggs (despite the fact that its label is basically just a picture of an egg), meaning they’re not allowed to call themselves mayonnaise.
Unilever eventually dropped the suit due to a major backlash, but Just Mayo was soon in hot water themselves for marketing themselves as a healthier alternative to other mayo options. The vegan mayonnaise contained such high levels of fat that the FDA ordered them to quit advertising felonious health benefits.
For over 75 years, McDonald’s has carefully cultivated an image that’s something akin to the Phillip Morris of fast food. Yes, this company and every single product it produces seems to affect the general health of America, yet we just can’t say no to their dollar double-cheeseburgers. But, aside from the woes decried in movies like Supersize Me, there’s also the rigged Monopoly sweepstakes scandal. It was found that between 1995 and 2000, marketing executives had pilfered the most valuable pieces, taking nearly $24 million while all I got was a small fucking fry with the purchase of a medium soda. May the plague of a thousand Big Macs clog the arteries of their souls.
Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte
A seasonal favorite of basic bitches everywhere, the runaway success of the Pumpkin Spice Latte is just fucking gross at this point. As you may recall, there was an uproar last fall regarding the lack of pumpkin or spice in PSLs. After having the orange ooze (roughly the color of Snooki) chemically tested, Vani Hari aka Food Babe reported that not only did it not contain a trace of pumpkin, but was dishearteningly rich in caramel color class IV—thought by many to be carcinogenic, though this has been disputed. Still, Starbucks heard us loud and clear; they released the seasonal latte this year with actual pumpkin and sans cancerous caramel.
Jeez, all these fatty foods and sugary drinks make you wanna reach for something healthy, right? DON’T DO IT! Naked juice got in hot water in 2012 for claims that it was all natural… y’know, naked. Well, much like a pornstar, “naked” does not necessarily mean “all-natural”. Many of the supplements used in the formulation of the juices did not come from natural, non-GMO sources, and certainly don’t qualify as fruit. The Pepsi subsidiary also caught heat for containing more sugar per ounce than it’s parent company’s flagship soft drink, while at the same time doling out more unverifiable “magical elixir” promissory statements than Dr. Fucking Oz.
It’s always good to capitalize on general unrest and mass panic. Or at least it is if you’re smoking snap, crackle and pop on a regular basis. Kellogg’s Rice Krispies did exactly that at the peak of the swine flu pandemonium in 2009, claiming that the cereal “Now helps support your child’s immunity,” though they never actually bothered to change the recipe. Any one who’s ever eaten the cereal will tell you that it should only be used as a cheap alternative to packaging peanuts. At any rate, the Federal Trade Commision slapped an injunction on the cold cereal mogul stating that they need to base their claims on something called “evidence.”
And lastly, these little lying bastards who DEFINITELY MELT IN YOUR FUCKING HANDS!