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Hit-Or-Miss

6 Times Our Favorite Food Companies Fed Us Complete Bullshit

Depending on whom you ask, the phrase “truth in advertising” makes about as much sense as “shy, literate professional wrestler.” The difference between scientific fact and marketing gimmick is an ever-widening gulf, and these are just some of the corporate culprits that got caught with their filthy mitts in the cookie jar. Join us now in hawking a collective loogie on these despicable bastards and everything they claim to stand for.

Just Mayo

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As you’ll come to see in this article, word’s like “Just”, “Simply”, and “Naked” mean very little when they appear on food labels. In this case, “Isn’t Even Technically” would be a more accurate descriptor for this mayo. Thanks to the interests of Unilever (who, oh by the way, manufactures Best Foods/Hellmann’s), the company’s lying name was brought to light in 2014, with some pseudo-illegal help from the American Egg Board. They don’t use any eggs (despite the fact that its label is basically just a picture of an egg), meaning they’re not allowed to call themselves mayonnaise.

Unilever eventually dropped the suit due to a major backlash, but Just Mayo was soon in hot water themselves for marketing themselves as a healthier alternative to other mayo options. The vegan mayonnaise contained such high levels of fat that the FDA ordered them to quit advertising felonious health benefits.

McDonald’s Monopoly

For over 75 years, McDonald’s has carefully cultivated an image that’s something akin to the Phillip Morris of fast food. Yes, this company and every single product it produces seems to affect the general health of America, yet we just can’t say no to their dollar double-cheeseburgers. But, aside from the woes decried in movies like Supersize Me, there’s also the rigged Monopoly sweepstakes scandal. It was found that between 1995 and 2000, marketing executives had pilfered the most valuable pieces, taking nearly $24 million while all I got was a small fucking fry with the purchase of a medium soda. May the plague of a thousand Big Macs clog the arteries of their souls.

 

Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte

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A seasonal favorite of basic bitches everywhere, the runaway success of the Pumpkin Spice Latte is just fucking gross at this point. As you may recall, there was an uproar last fall regarding the lack of pumpkin or spice in PSLs. After having the orange ooze (roughly the color of Snooki) chemically tested, Vani Hari aka Food Babe reported that not only did it not contain a trace of pumpkin, but was dishearteningly rich in caramel color class IV—thought by many to be carcinogenic, though this has been disputed. Still, Starbucks heard us loud and clear; they released the seasonal latte this year with actual pumpkin and sans cancerous caramel.

Naked Juice

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Jeez, all these fatty foods and sugary drinks make you wanna reach for something healthy, right? DON’T DO IT! Naked juice got in hot water in 2012 for claims that it was all natural… y’know, naked. Well, much like a pornstar, “naked” does not necessarily mean “all-natural”. Many of the supplements used in the formulation of the juices did not come from natural, non-GMO sources, and certainly don’t qualify as fruit. The Pepsi subsidiary also caught heat for containing more sugar per ounce than it’s parent company’s flagship soft drink, while at the same time doling out more unverifiable “magical elixir” promissory statements than Dr. Fucking Oz.

Rice Krispies

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It’s always good to capitalize on general unrest and mass panic. Or at least it is if you’re smoking snap, crackle and pop on a regular basis. Kellogg’s Rice Krispies did exactly that at the peak of the swine flu pandemonium in 2009, claiming that the cereal “Now helps support your child’s immunity,” though they never actually bothered to change the recipe. Any one who’s ever eaten the cereal will tell you that it should only be used as a cheap alternative to packaging peanuts. At any rate, the Federal Trade Commision slapped an injunction on the cold cereal mogul stating that they need to base their claims on something called “evidence.”

M&Ms

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And lastly, these little lying bastards who DEFINITELY MELT IN YOUR FUCKING HANDS!

Categories
Celebrity Grub

Bobby Flay’s Hollywood Walk Of Fame Event Was Awkwardly Interrupted By His Alleged Infidelity

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As the first celebrity chef to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, nothing could be better for Bobby Flay. Turns out, something always goes wrong.

During the ceremony Tuesday, as Flay delivered his speech, a plane flew overhead with a banner that read CHEATER. Also present in the crow was Flay’s 19-year-old daughter Sophie.

While it’s not clear whom the banner was directed towards, it should be noted that Flay has recently filed for divorce with his former wife of 10 years. The celebrity chef has been linked romantically to numerous women including his assistant as well as two female celebrities.

Us Weekly reports that Flay’s estranged wife denies having anything to do with the banner.

Photo: Bobby Flay Facebook

Categories
Fast Food

McDonald’s Japan Busts Out Tofu Nuggets Following Expired Meat Scandal

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McDonald’s Corp. found itself in quite a bind after an investigation revealed that chicken nugget supplier OSI Group LLC. had been mixing expired meat with newer supplies. As a result of the scandal, McDonald’s pulled all chicken and other items from menus at several locations throughout China and Japan.

But now it would seem Japan’s highest grossing restaurant chain wants to make up for taking away people’s poultry, by offering them tofu nuggets instead.

According to the Wall Street Journal, the new Tofu Shinjo Nuggets will be made from ingredients that include “onions, soybeans, carrots, and minced fish.” It will also be lower in calories than the chicken nuggets and served with a ginger dipping sauce. A McDonald’s spokesperson said the tofu nuggets had been in development prior to the expired meat scandal. The timing of their release, it’s assumed, was pure “luck.”

Although, considering all the chemical gunk they pour into this stuff anyway, I can’t say vegetarian chemical gunk sounds all much more appetizing anyway.

PicThx McDonald’s

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

DUFFINGATE: London Bakery Claims Starbucks Ripped-Off ‘Duffin’ Recipe

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If you thought Starbucks UK’s “duffin” pastry was just another trendy, corporate sham, you may have hit it right on the money. London bakery Bea’s of Bloomsbury has accused Starbucks of ripping off their original Duffin recipe, leading to a social media storm on Twitter.

According to the local bakery, which has four locations in London, Bea’s published the recipe in their 2011 cookbook and has been selling the jelly-filled treats long before Starbucks claimed to invent them. Yesterday, the bakery took to Facebook to explain their frustrations:

I understand that Starbucks UK wants to cash in on this hybrid dessert craze–I get that. But to make a product that uniquely contains buttermilk, nutmeg, and raspberry jam, and to have the name duffin, not doughnut muffin, and to have claimed that their team of ‘bakers’ came up with it magically on their own, seems a bit odd to me, particularly when the British baking lexicon isn’t heavy on nutmeg or buttermilk.

The scandal has since inspired supporters to rally under the #Duffingate hashtag on Twitter.

Apparently, Starbucks supplier Rich Products trademarked the term “duffin,” which could prevent Bea’s from selling their pastries under the sane name. However, Bea’s stated that Starbucks will soon release a statement allowing Bea’s to sell goods under the “duffin” name. Of course, the “magnanimous” gesture did not go unnoticed.

Upon reaching out to Starbucks for a comment, a representative stated in an email to Foodbeast.

Since launching the Starbucks Duffin we have discovered there are other Duffins out there. Rich Products, who created our Duffin have trademarked the name in the UK, however neither Starbucks nor Rich Products has at any time suggested that we will attempt to stop Bea’s of Bloomsbury, selling their own Duffins.

PicThx Starbucks

Categories
Video

The Actual Cap’n Crunch Holds a Press Conference Defending His ‘Captainhood’

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If there’s one thing we’ve learned from this Cap’n Crunch scandal, it’s that people take their cereal mascots very seriously. After Foodbeast challenged the Cap’n’s title as “Captain” in  Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraudfans worldwide erupted in both outrage and dismay. The Crunchgate story made headlines from CNN to Time and eventually, the actual Cap’n was forced to address the controversy in person.

And by person we mean the cartoon character boarded a cartoon ship and addressed a real-life audience. Funny how things work, isn’t it?

In other breaking news, the Cap’n has only four fingers (gasp) and his eyebrows are attached to his hat (say it ain’t so!)

Watch the, erm, press conference below:

Video: Cap’n Crunch