(*Pictured: steak, not placenta)
First, the bad news: there are people out there who eat placenta. You know, afterbirth. The bloody, 8-inch organ that eventually gets expelled from the mother’s body following delivery. They eat it in pill form. They eat it from medicine droppers on television. They even eat their wives’ placentas, chopped up in skirt steak tacos, and write about it for the food and drink section of The Guardian.
Thankfully, for every stomach-churning placenta-eater, there’s at least a few folks who realize placentophagy is just weird, okay?
While reading about placentacos, we stumbled across an actual Kindle cookbook featuring “25 Placenta Recipes — Easy and Delicious recipes for cooking with placenta!” — and were pleasantly surprised to find the art of necessary internet snark alive and well. Check out some of our favorite reviews (complete with Hannibal and hipster references), below:
Run of the Mill
“[…] The problem with placentas nowadays is that most of us don’t really know what kind of placentas we’re getting. Were the mothers grain-fed? Vegetarian? Meat eaters? Did they sneak a couple of sips of wine or a cigarette when nobody was looking? Did the moms dye their hair once or twice? Use rubber gloves when cleaning? It’s impossible to know because none of the placentas have fda oversight. Organic? Probably not.”
Oh Happy Day!
“Being a single guy, making a meal of a delicious placenta is somewhat of a challenge. Hospitals frown on you hanging out in the maternity wards, and many new mothers take offense that you want to eat their afterbirth. So I’ve gotten myself a beautiful Labrador Retriever female, and have been breeding her constantly. Those little placenta patties are the perfect size for lunches at the office! And the recipes in this cook book are so easy and wonderful! The only problem is getting rid of all these puppies…”
Does Not Come With Placenta
“I was highly disappointed to find that placenta delivery was not included. I had to deliver my own. Practically gave myself contractions from all that hard work.”
— Target Fan in Florida
“My wife, Clarice, and I are always searching for new epicurean delights to satiate our discerning palates. This excellent volume of recipes truly epitomizes the art of haute cuisine. Procuring the placenta may prove difficult, however as an M.D., I have little trouble talking my way into the maternity wards. I recommend the placenta with fava beans, paired with a nice Chianti.”
An Absolute Essential
“With the ever-increasing price of placenta in today’s economy, it’s important to make sure that your placental investment pays off big at the dinner table, and with these easy, delicious recipes, it’s sure to. While the book seems to assume that frozen placenta will be the norm, the fact is, all of these recipes are just as easy (and even more delicious) with farm-fresh placentas. If you haven’t contacted your local organic gynecologists or artisan obstetricians, you really should make the effort to do so. Your efforts will be well-rewarded. Remember: think globally, eat afterbirth locally.
— R.A. Walker
“Thankfully, Whole Foods is now stocking ‘Placenta Helper’ which has enabled me to sample all 25 recipes without lurking around the hospital trash bins. Enjoy!”
— G.S. Cole
Only 3 Stars From Me
“The consumption of placenta is considered a delicacy, and the recipes in this book were simple and delicious.. but I could only give a 3 star rating because of my misunderstanding of the directions; the recipe does make clear that the attached umbilical cord is called a “cord” for a reason. It is quite like eating an electrical cord and is quite a challenge to digest.”
— Ohboy that was good
Baby, You’re Delicious
“[…] Unfortuneatlly I was only able to get about 4 recipes out before I ran out so I have to knock her up again. Maybe I’ll give her fertility drugs so she can have twins or octoplets and we can have more placentars!”
Yum, But . . .
“But what do I do with the left-over babies? I’m thinking meatloaf or something Austrian. Maybe with a quinoa salad.”
— AKA Fred