As a food writer, I’m blessed and cursed with the opportunity to try a myriad of foods and witness a smorgasbord of ways to describe them. The nature of my gig has led me to hear a lot of terms and phrases that are simply outdated or, frankly, downright stupid.
I’ve chronicled eight of the phrases that should meet their demise above all others:
Example: Dude, have you ever had Taco Bell’s $5 Box? It’s way dank, especially if you’re baked.
Why it shouldn’t be said: For those who don’t know, the definition of “dank” is “damp, musty, and typically cold.” Why the hell do you want a damp, musty and cold taco? What’s wrong with you? Now I understand that “dank” is stoner-speak for “my, this is rather delicious.” But why? Just go back to saying things are “bomb,” let’s keep it simple my dab city dudes and ladies.
2. “Pizza Pie”
Example: Mama mia! Its-a me, Mario! Luigi, make us a pizza pie with a side of some-a spaghetti!
Why it shouldn’t be said: Pizza, while technically can be considered a pie, is never associated with pies in any way. Most meat and vegetable pies, if not all, have some sort of pastry top and base. While many fruit pies don’t, they have the other aspect that makes a pie a pie: sweetness. Pizzas are pizzas, so unless there’s key lime underneath all that pepperoni and mozzarella, they simply shouldn’t be referred to as pies.
Geez lady, why don’t you and the strawberry get a room. Pervs.
Example: Oh. Em. Gee. This Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte is orgasmic, I wanna marry the barista that made it.
Why it shouldn’t be said: I feel like this one is fairly obvious. If food is making you jizz your pants, you’ve got an entirely new and more important issue to worry about than what food phrases not to say. YOU EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS FROM FOOD, BRO. Please, seek help.
4. “Falls off the bone”
Example: Dude, you gotta try these ribs, the meat just falls off the bone. Kinda like your mom when we finish plowing, hey-o!
Why it shouldn’t be said: If your meat is falling off the bone God intended for it to stick to, then something is wrong with the meat. Don’t get me wrong, this phrase is more often than not used for ribs, and many slow cooked ribs pull away easily from the bone. But falling off? You need to stop eating that shit, homie. Like, immediately.
Excuse me waiter! My meat keeps falling off the bones, do you have a stapler or something?”
Example: Have you tried McDonalds’ new gourmet Big Mac? It’s different than the old ones, because it’s, like, super gourmet. It’s so dank.
Why it shouldn’t be said: What the fuck does gourmet really even mean? Does anyone know? Is my car gourmet? Was the movie Eat Pray Love “gourmet”? My mom likes to think so. In general, I think gourmet basically means “this food was made with quality items and it’s not shitty and processed.” Come on, foodies, we can do better than that.
Example: Hey, I’m gonna go hit up a gastropub with some of my foodie friends, wanna join? We’re gonna wreck their charcuterie so hard, it’s gonna be sicky gnar gnar.
Why it shouldn’t be said: Everyone thinks they’re a foodie. Just because you don’t shovel whoppers into your mouth like they’re going out of style, it doesn’t mean that you’re the authority on food. Why can’t you just be a human that likes food? Foodies are the hipsters of the food industry, so don’t be “that guy.”
7. “To die for”
Example: Kelsey, you have to try this almond peanut butter. It is TO DIE FOR.
Why it shouldn’t be said: Honestly, is any food worth dying for? Imagine if people literally died after eating something they love. There would be about 12 or 13 people left on earth. Please, don’t offer your life in exchange for that tuna casserole, there’s so much more out there.
This artisan sandwich is so pretentious-looking, I bet it went to Princeton and studied Philosophy.
Example: Have you had the new Artisan Tuscany Asiago Panini? It’s to die for. It’s so dank. Any real foodie knows a gourmet sandwich when they see one. The steak they use fell off the bone, I’m sure. It’s legitimately orgasmic. And something about pizza pies.
Why it shouldn’t be said: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you made this sandwich with a paintbrush. Oh, you didn’t? Then it’s not artisan, Anthony Brodain. Slapping some sun-dried tomatoes on it doesn’t make it special, nor does stuffing it into a waffle-maker to turn it into a panini. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe there is a subtle and beautiful art to cooking and creating amazing dishes. But not everything you make is a masterpiece, Picassbro.
We live in a time where food isn’t just a necessity, it’s a way of life for some. That being said, let’s not forget that it’s just food. It’s time we took the pretentiousness out of food and went back to just eating delicious things. I mean, what are we, Yelpers?