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News Packaged Food

The FDA Just Cockblocked This Boner-Inducing Herbal Coffee

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Right when we thought we were going to enjoy highly caffeinated erections, the FDA had to step in and kill the fun.

Stiff Bull Herbal Coffee labeled itself as the “Relationship Saver,” but the FDA just gave a warning saying the drink has an unlisted, viagra-like ingredient called desmethyl carbodenafil, and even went as far as to advise consumers not to purchase it.

While you’d think a male enhancement coffee would obviously carry a male enhancing ingredient, Stiff Bull advertised itself as a 100% natural aphrodisiac.

This thing was popular with more than 200,000 men ordering shipments to the US every month, according to Daily Mail.

The FDA’s notification feels like a Viagra, or Cialis commercial in its own right, saying:

“This undeclared ingredient may interact with nitrates found in some prescription drugs such as nitroglycerin and may lower blood pressure to dangerous levels. Men with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or heart disease often take nitrates.”

So the coffee would wake me up, give me a sweet-ass boner, but there’s a chance it would mess with my blood pressure. Nice.

Stiff Bull’s web site no longer loads, as they’re probably waiting out until they can do some damage control, but hopefully they can take care of this so we can start saving our relationships again.

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Hit-Or-Miss

8 Foods That Can Get You Legally High

Let’s say you want to get high, but your dope dealer is on vacay and your chump dealer only has the bunkest of the bogus. You’re up a strange river and you’re looking to get stranger, so you start wondering what’s in your pad that can launch you out of reality.

Well, before you start huffing cabinet goods and eating refrigerator parts, maybe check out this rundown of foods that’ll rough up your sanity to ensure that you don’t wind up with way more than you bargained for.

1. Nutmeg

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Season 4-8 teaspoons of ground nutmeg into your system and wait for your nerves to pop goofy with (mild) hallucinations. Given that it’s the sprinkling on the holiday garbage punch that is eggnog, maybe you’ll hallucinate the obsessed-with-your-regret ghost of Christmas past, the party-animal-drunk ghost of Christmas present, and the always-a-quiet-dick ghost of Christmas future—except the high you get from nutmeg doesn’t kick in for five to six hours and it causes really bad flu symptoms (think food poisoning), paired with paranoia. Not only does it come with a severe day-plus war with your own body, but too much nutmeg can straight up kill you outright.

2. Sugar

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Yes, here it is, the legal white powder. Sugar does up a balancing act of sorts, with refined sugar, as opposed to natural sugar, really doing a number on your body. Scientists even agree that you can get addicted to the stuff and go through real bad withdrawals from it. Natural sugar, like that found in fruit, is better for you, as it doesn’t get you as wild-eyed, but also won’t squirrel you out all madcap in the close-out. Ultimately, it’s not a bad thing that less of it winds up on new year’s resolution lists.

3. (Moldy) Rye Bread

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When rye bread goes bad, it offers some “good” in theory (God closes a door and opens a window, blah blah blah). Basically, once the common grain fungi known as ergot rolls in, so does the chemical ergotamine, which is used for lysergic acid (not LSD, per se, but a compound used). However, “high” is a seriously loose term here, given that it’s a swirly mess of madness and poison. I mean, ergot, aside from leading to hectic convulsions and gangrenous symptoms, more or less contributed to the insanity of everyone calling for the Salem Witch Trials. Don’t try this at home…or anywhere.

4. Fish

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Sure, maybe you’ve had smoked salmon, but you can’t smoke fish, bruh. You can, however, get high off a fish called the salema (also known as sarpa salpa). Found off the Eastern Atlantic and Mediterranean, this fish’s body can be eaten, but its head sure as hell can’t be if you have any intention of keeping a grasp on the world you’ve always known. The head’s filled with psychoactive chemicals, though it doesn’t often turn out to be psychotropic (depends on how much plankton and algae it’s had). If it is enough though, your brain’s seriously going to burn until you see a horrifying demonic alien warscape (think the Cronenberg episode of Rick and Morty).

5. Coffee

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This shouldn’t exactly be a curveball to your knowledge base, seeing as how half the reason you even drink the stuff is to shred your nerves all gorgeous. Caffeine intoxication kicks in a lot sooner than you think though250mg, to be exact (meaning a few cups or just a tall at Starbucks, honestly). But the real hellfire bummer comes at you full force in the fallout of 500mg. That much caffeine will toast your nervous system. It’ll be a chaotic mix of “I’m going to live forever” and “everything is dying” before lapsing into the latter with diarrhea, vomiting, convulsions, and hallucinations (that won’t justify your weak attempt to get high on the most available substance ever).

6. Chili Peppers

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The endorphin rush from peppers is notable to anyone, so imagine the body sensation of chomping down on really, really, really hot chilis. Given that hot peppers are in the same botanical family as tobacco and deadly nightshade, it shouldn’t be surprising that the ingestion process sends you for a wild whirl. Also, seeing as that chilis are known for their capsaicin, which can actually work as a painkiller to some degree, eating more means more effect. In short, it’s pretty much an insane rush that feels like a high since it botches your senses so rough and crazy.

7. Poppy Seed Bagels

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There’s always the floating rumor that poppy seeds will make you fail a drug test, but there’s a reason for that. They contain enough opium alkaloids, morphine, and codeine to do it, no problem. The high, though, is theoretical for the most part. Roughly 40g of poppy seeds equal a dose of morphine, but you’d pretty much have to be an alchemist to get the goods. Otherwise, you have to eat a total number of bagels that would kill you before you actually achieve anything resembling a buzz.

8. Mulberries

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This is sort of high that seems like all class. Eating a whole lot of unripe mulberry plants can drum up a moderate batch of hallucinations. But it’s that same quality of “not quite there yet” that’s responsible for the high that will be your end. The unripe fruit, especially in large quantity, will wreck hell on your stomach. You’ll be barfing pretty uncontrollably. Trying to manage that much puke high is like doing calculus while drowning. Stay out.

Honorable Mention:

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(Special) Brownies because…well, duh.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

US Stores To Sell DIY Phở Kits From All-Natural Food Company

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Photo: John Lucas/Edmonton Journal

No more long lines. No more treks to your not-at all-close-to-you-but-totally-worth-the-trip ph spot. The glasses-steaming, miraculous cure-all soup is coming to your refrigerator, all thanks to Canyon Creek Food Company.

You probably haven’t heard of Canyon Creek since it’s a food processor and distributor based in Canada. And when was the last time you remembered things about Canada? While you’ve tormented yourself trying to reconcile the country’s contradictory offerings to the world (re: Justin Bieber and Ryan Gosling), Canyon Creek has cranked out tons of all natural, preservative-free soups. They’re ready to up Canada’s ante by releasing their Vietnamese Ph Bò Viên Soup in Los Angeles, California.

The company’s first baby steps into the US bring a fresh soup kit containing broth, meatballs, fresh noodles, sriracha chili sauce and hoisin sauce. Sure, it’s BYOHV (Bring Your Own Herbs and Veggies), but this kit shrinks down the typically day-long process of cooking ph.

 

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Certified organic by Quality Assurance International, Canyon Creek’s products are taking convenience out of cans and Lean Cuisine boxes, and giving you some semblance of control. Think of their kits like Lunchables for adults who are allowed to use the stove. Instead of chemicals and a day’s worth of calories and sodium, however, you’re following a recipe with pronounceable ingredients.

Though transparent about their food, the company is pretty tight-lipped about the major retailer who’s made their US debut possible. Their social media profiles hint at a Costco partnership,  so you’ll likely find their kits at your local bulk store. The Los Angeles launch is meant to build brand awareness, but their ph kits should reach your neck of the woods within a few months.

Considering Canyon Creek also makes a bevy of sauces and solid entrees, we’re hoping this phở lives up to the hype. If it does, it might be time to learn another line of “Oh, Canada.”

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Products

The FDA Is Cracking Down On Labeling Foods As ‘Natural’, Here’s Why

American food culture is steadily progressing to support generally healthier lifestyles and has been for a while now. We tend to gravitate towards places like Mother’s Market and Whole Foods because they put an emphasis on their products being organic and natural. While the meaning of the word organic leaves very little room for misinterpretation, the FDA will seek to clarify the exact definition of the word natural.

After receiving three Citizen Petitions demanding that there be some transparency to the definition, the FDA has asked consumers and the general public to provide them with any information in regards to what they believe it means. They even received a fourth petition requesting that the word natural be prohibited altogether, and for good reason.

The word natural has no real, concrete meaning in terms of food, but it certainly does come with a lot of connotations, especially when it’s paired with organic or preceded by “100%” and/or “all.” The use of these terms increase purchasing intent and confuse consumers into believing that the product in question is healthy for you because it is natural. And anything that is natural must be good for you, right?

Naturally.

Image Source: Huffington Post, Metro Farm, Mom At The Meat Counter

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Packaged Food

Hershey’s Chocolate Finally Drops Artificial Flavoring From Their Iconic Candy

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Hershey’s has announced that their famous chocolate Kisses and bars will be getting much less complicated. The company says that it will be dropping artificial ingredients and will be using real vanilla in the two chocolate candies.

It was previously announced that Hershey’s Co. wanted to use simpler ingredients, AP reports.

The change in recipe has already begun for the candy company as the new batch of kisses and certain chocolate bars have already begun shipping. Stores will be updated with the new variants as soon as their shelves need restocking.

Packaging for the chocolate will feature a new “natural flavor” listing rather than vanillin, the artificial flavoring used in the original chocolates. Hershey’s has also cut Lactose and PGPR from its recipe.

Seems like loads of companies have begun taking steps towards more natural ingredients recently.

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Packaged Food

FROOT LOOPS To Change Forever As Kellogg Announces All-Natural Direction

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Kellogg Co’s going all natural. The company announced Tuesday that it plans to stop using artificial colors and flavors in its cereals and snacks sometime before 2018, Reuters reports.

All this year, fast food chains have been announcing similar goals with their ingredients. Now, the 109-year-old food company is the latest to make the change.

Competitor General Mills had also made a similar announcement about a month ago.

Thankfully, this isn’t a major change for Kellogg. About 75 percent of its cereals in North America are made without artificial colors and more than half of are made without artificial flavors. Those who enjoy the sugary saturated colors of fruit loops, however, will be sorely disappointed.

Like its Australian counterparts, expect the cereal to boast paler shades of color as natural coloring ingredients replace the artificial ones. It’s all in the name of health, right?

 

Categories
Packaged Food

Kraft Has Plans To Remove The Artificial Colorings From Their Mac & Cheese

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Orange and blue have become synonymous with the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese brand. The bright orange, derived from synthetic coloring, is now set to undergo some natural changes.

Beginning next year, Original Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will replace colors Yellow 5 and Yellow 6 with more natural ingredients. The brand said in a statement that they’ll be using paprika, annatto and turmeric in its Macaroni & Cheese to replicate that famous bright orange coloring.

The big change is set to take place in 2016 because Kraft will need the rest of the year to figure out a recipe that both keeps the color and doesn’t affect flavor.

Yellow 5 and Yellow 6, known as Tartrazine and Orange Yellow, are synthetic lemon dyes that are added to food for color. They’ve been known to cause asthma and hyperactivity in children.