Categories
Opinion

Why This VICE Writer’s Thoughts on Pizza Make Her the Dumbest Reporter on Planet Earth

pizza doesn't suck

You know what’s trendier than pizza clothing? Publishing a 12-paragraph diatribe on your hatred for one of the most universally loved foods on its national day of recognition. Congratulations, Vice. Your writer Sara Rocco is officially the coolest/smartest/dumbest person on the planet.

Our staff is convinced there was some unusual email routing anomaly that caused this satirical piece meant for The Onion, to get lost in the internets and directly queued in the Munchies section on Vice.

It would make sense if Rocco were vegan, or maybe lactose intolerant, but she’s neither. According to her Twitter, she just apparently really (not really) hates (not hates) pizza.

 

I don’t think I could hate anything for 12 paragraphs.

We get it, VICE. It was national pizza day, and you figured, “Hey, let’s have someone write an anti-pizza post and see people get all pissed off.” We probably would have done the same, but with a more clickbait-ey headline and maybe even some conviction. The problem is this monstrosity is an inverted pizza fluff piece—a culmination of not hatred, but apathy.

We can’t let this deed go unpunished, and the only appropriate thing to do is counter with a lengthy, lackluster, self-indulgent, traffic-pandering swath of words that is really just a waste of everyone’s time. At the very least, we have to defend pizza’s honor as it’s a defenseless food that did nothing to you but deliciously exist.

Please, allow us to break down the ridiculousness in this article:

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“Most pizza sucks. It’s overly bready—way too much bread relative to the toppings.”

Soup is overly liquidy. Fettuccine is overly noodley. Maybe try some thin-crust pizza, or is this the kind of world you want to live in?!?

“The cheese is super low-quality but stacked high, rubbery and flavorless. This is the combination of attributes that I personally hate in pizza.”

“The cheese” — you know? The singular omnipresent cheese that goes on every single pizza, ever! Low-quality cheese is terrible, but can easily be replaced with cheese that, like, I don’t know, isn’t super low-quality. Quit eating your pizza from 7-Eleven.

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“First of all, it’s unhealthy, but also I almost always something better on the menu than bread with cheese [SIC]. It just seems like a cop-out.”

I’m starting to think she just low-key hates cheese. I’ve had plenty of delicious vegan pizzas made with organic vegetables. Even The Rock has eaten three whole pizzas by himself. He wasn’t the least bit worried about his health.

A photo posted by therock (@therock) on

 

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“Most pizza is food for an underdeveloped palate. To me, the reason kids like pizza is the same reason they like Kraft macaroni and cheese or grilled cheese sandwiches. Because there isn’t a lot to it.”

Since she’s going to make a baseless statement on how “most” pizza is for an underdeveloped palate, I’m going to go out on a limb and counter with, “most” human beings think pizza tastes fan-fucking-tastic. Hey everyone else, we have underdeveloped palates! Alright, let’s go back to being happy with our lives. 

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heisenberg

“But I feel like the kind of person that’s really “into pizza” is the same kind of person that was really into donuts with bacon on them a while back. When someone currently has the word “pizza” in their Instagram username, I think of someone wearing an Urban Outfitters sweatshirt with pizza printed all over it, and they want to take you to a Steve Aoki concert. A late adopter who claims they’re into cocktails, but only knows one cocktail and it’s an Old Fashioned that they saw on Mad Men.”

You’re overthinking this. It’s pizza. It’s not that deep (except in Chicago). People like pizza because it’s good, not because Walter White threw a pizza on the roof in Breaking Bad and viewers thought, “Hey, what was that food product Heisenberg tossed in that one episode? I suddenly feel like that’s cool and want to eat it.” Also, pizza on a sweatshirt is awesome, because pizza is awesome.

“With a limited amount of time on Earth, I would rather talk to people who are observant enough to pursue their own interests beyond cultural trends for the sake of cultural trends.”

Says the girl who wrote a story to supply content for a bogus holiday, created to honor said “cultural trend.”

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“I understand why it’s so popular. It’s always going to be the lowest price point in any nice restaurant that serves it, and it’s also available by the slice for $2 or whatever, which makes it attractive to any young person looking for something gives you a sort of immediate visceral satisfaction for very little money. It also represents a certain type of nostalgia, because as kids there were always pizza parties in school, or contests where if you read enough books you got a free pizza.”

Clearly. But what you don’t understand is why you’re wrong. If you think the taste-to-cost ratio isn’t a major factor in food, your understanding of food choices is fundamentally flawed. What’s not to love with something that tastes good for cheap? Can nostalgia positively affect our opinion on pizza? Absolutely. Pizza parties are still the illest.

The Ninja Turtles may have helped in shaping my love for pizza, but you know what else shaped my love for pizza? My fucking love for cheap, delicious pizza.

“It’s associated with celebration or happiness to a lot of people. But a really nice Porterhouse represents celebration or happiness to me. I could eat bread with cheese on it any time.”

I could write 12 paragraphs about why a bone-in rib-eye steak is WAY better than your porterhouse, but I won’t. And apparently you can’t eat bread and cheese anytime, because you dedicated a whole paragraph earlier to shitting on delicious bread and cheese like some kind of ridiculous grilled-cheese Nazi.

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“They want to be seen as having a laissez faire attitude because pizza is fattening, and cheap, and unpretentious. Pizza is accessible, so people think it will make them seem accessible. But who wants to be truly, totally accessible?”

Yeah, there’s no way in hell this is serious.

“I worry about people, honestly, who want to define themselves by a food they eat.”

I’m worried about you.

“I would probably guess that a guy who takes a girl out to pizza has his life less together than a guy who takes his girl out to a steak dinner. That’s just my guess. But maybe I’m wrong, and they are just super fun.”

Someone please find this girl on Tinder, show her your degree and your bank account, or whatever she qualifies as having your life together. Then when she’s blown away, take her to get some fucking pizza. Find her a whole-grain, thin-crust, organic veggie pizza that would meet her health standards. Then throw a bone-in rib-eye on top of that shit.

Sincerely,

The Foodbeast staff

Pic Thx Sodahead, Tumblr

Categories
Cravings

One Man Dared to Cover an Entire Pizza with Cookie Dough. This is What Happened

cookie-pizza-genius

Sometimes, life presents challenges. Sometimes, those challenges come in the form of four cheese DiGiorno pizza and a stick of cookie dough. When these moments of truth happen, there will be those that rise to the occasion. Cue in: 26-year-old Michael J. Hudson.

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The Detroit native saw an opportunity when others saw a mediocre Netflix-worthy dinner.

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Envisioning greatness, Hudson put two and two together.

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Yes, that’s a layer of baked cookie dough lovingly embracing a cheese pizza with tomato sauce.

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Savory. Sweet. Hold Me.

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Some say he ruined a perfectly good pizza and that he was probably stoned off his mind. There’s a 98.9 percent chance that’s true, but still, you’ve gotta give the guy kudos for dreaming big.

Categories
Packaged Food

Kellogg’s Now Peddling Kid’s Cereals For Late-Night Snacking

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Picture midnight in the summer. You’re hungry, but lazy. You could order pizza, or boil water for instant ramen, but your hunger isn’t super ravenous, and you’d rather not wait more than the minute it takes to walk to the kitchen. Enter: cereal for late night. Already the lazy (or enterprising!) man’s go-to midnight munchie cure, Kellogg’s is attempting to boost falling breakfast sales by repositioning popular cereal lines like Special K, Froot Loops, and Frosted Flakes as the perfect “good night snack.” They even have a fancy new moon and star bedazzled box, ooh!

Pitched as an alternative to milk and cookies, Ben & Jerry’s, and lukewarm DiGiorno, new late night Kellogg’s cereals are exactly the same as their daytime counterparts, just in new limited edition boxes to remind everyone that, yes, you can totally eat Froot Loops in the middle of your shameful Power Rangers/Netflix binge.

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According to the Associated Press, sales for Kellogg’s U.S. breakfast division fell 5.5% in the first quarter, due to more and more Americans seeking healthier or more convenient alternatives like Greek yogurt, fast food breakfast sandwiches, or cereals made without genetically modified ingredients. The push of cereals as snacks or even yogurt toppings, Kellogg’s hopes, will help abate some of the company’s losses.

Seems reasonable enough, though, as Consumerist notes, we’re not too crazy about letting kids think they can eat sugary cereals for dinner. It’s hard enough getting them to eat their veggies as it is.

H/T Consumerist + PicThx Impulsive Buy

Categories
Sweets

What Wouldn’t You Do For a Krondike Bar?

krondike-bar

This article hails from 7Deadly Mag, the literary gutter of excess.

The nostalgic  ice cream square coated in chocolate can now get you high. At the moment, it’s only available at dispensaries and comes in six different flavors: vanilla, chocolate, banana nut brownie, white chocolate, cookies and cream, and peanut butter.

Before you start running to your nearest pot shop, however, call ahead to make sure they have ‘em — they’re a pretty rare find. Each square will run you anywhere from $10 to $14. A small price to pay since, let’s be real: what wouldn’t you do for a Klondike Bar?

Peep more 7Deadly stories:

Categories
Packaged Food

‘Choritos’ Cheetos + Doritos Now Exist in One Inglorious Bag

choritos1

Before you freak out, no, we’re not talking about Cheetos-flavored Doritos or Doritos-flavored Cheetos (though we expect either would still just taste like some vague artificial “cheese”). No, what we have in mind is far more sadistic.

Continuing Doritos’ monopoly over tortilla chip mash-ups, a new variety mix combines Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Doritos Dinamita Chile Lime into a single bag. Supposedly, it’s meant to eliminate the need to choose between the two spicy cheese-flavored chips, but we know the truth: Doritos wants to take over everything.

choritos2

The new combination isn’t exactly new, of course, as it’s basically a spicy version of similar chip snack mix Munchies, just without all the pretzel or cracker bits most people pick out anyway. Still, at this rate, we’ll see Doritos-flavored soda by the end of the year.

New Cheetos Flamin’ Hot / Doritos Dinamita Chile Limon Mix: now available nationwide for $1.49 to $3.49 per bag.

H/T + Picthx Grubstreet

Categories
Technology

The Uber of Pizza: App Wants to Bring You Pizza at 3 AM

pizzatheapp

We’ve all been there. It’s late at night and we start to get the pizza cravings. Between finding a place thats open, much less a place that delivers so late, it’s pretty tough to get your pizza demands met before you fall asleep. At 3 am you’re either too tired, drunk or lazy to pick it up.

PizzaTheApp, was created so that late-night pizza pains could be met with ease. Simply open either the app or the website and choose which of the five ingredients (pepperoni, mushrooms, sausage, olives and bell peppers) you’d like to add to your large 16-inch pizza. There are only five ingredients available so that things will run smoothly between pizza places. Customers just input their delivery and credit card info and pay through Stripe.

The app uses an algorithm that scours a database of 15 pizzerias in San Francisco that have 3-star and above Yelp reviews. It then matches you with the best one depending on location, hours of operation and pricing. The charge will include tax, delivery fees and a $3 tip for the driver.

While the app sounds almost too good to be true, the possibilities are delicious.

H/T Medium

Categories
#foodbeast

Stoner Discount

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Categories
Features

The Best College Drunk Foods at the 25 Best Party Schools

the-best-college-drunk-food

Ahhh, college. It’s where children blossom into adults, and then keep blossoming into larger and larger adults, because the main point of most nights is to eat two entire pizzas, plus a side of pizza, at 3am.

But we can’t go back, no matter how hard we petition the admissions office at DeVry. So instead, we took 25 of the drunkest schools — Playboy’s 10 Top Party Schools of 2013, plus a handful of others famous for an extreme aversion to sobriety — and rounded up glorious tales of consumption. Then we assembled them in a format that in no way hilariously mimics any food guide that has existed in the form of a little red book you keep in your bathroom.

Enjoy… until the acid reflux sets in.

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MICHIGAN

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Ray’s Red Hots
“The old Red Hot Lovers” is now Ray’s Red Hots, but the place is “still seriously legit.” The namesake dogs, including the “Snap Casing” and the “Reuben Dog,” are “quite dank,” but the “Half-and-Half with cheese” (a “mound of curly fries, a pile of thick-cut onion rings, and a melted-on-the-spot cheddar cheese topping”) is “barf if you’ve been drinking a lot, but good barf.” “I lived on the adjacent street for two years, and during that time went here 195821941014 times, give or take.”

Runners-Up: BTB Burrito, Fleetwood Diner, Pizza House

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OLE MISS

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“That Chevron With Chicken-on-a-Stick”
“By far the most famous late-night eating spot in Oxford,” this “gas station — I mean, it’s a damn gas station — right off the square where everyone gathers when the bars close at midnight” is “a legend for only one thing”: “a massive growth of greasy fried chicken that would kill a T-Rex, on a skewer.” Except for one guy “who always went for the egg roll, just to be different or something.”

Runners-Up: “Literally the only food I remember from that town is Chicken-on-a-Stick”

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SYRACUSE 

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Chuck’s Café
“Covered in graffiti” and offering “a plethora of seating,” “Chuck’s Café, according to Foursquare, or Hungry Chuck’s, according to my bank statements” will happily serve you “the best bar food in the world.” Friday brings “$4 pitchers, which you HOUSE, and then it’s time to eat,” and the “BBQ chipotle chicken tenders,” “skirt steak sandwich,” and “the $2 fries” are “the best things ever.” “I want them to cater my wedding.”

Runners-Up: Wings over Syracuse, Sliders Burgers and Belgian Fries, Cosmos Pizza & Grill

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TEXAS

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Taco Cabana
“The reason Texans hate Mexican food everywhere else” is “honestly the best chain of any kind on the planet,” and also “walking distance from frat parties, and if you don’t dress well, co-op parties.” The “24-hours” joint is equipped with “a salsa bar — I once made an all-salsa taco,” but “just order the queso and house-made tortillas” which “should be purchased by the dozen” and will “cause your testicles to explode.” Also, “one time someone stole a big-screen television from the dining area” and ”Sean Elliot once did a super-weird commercial for them that I can’t find anywhere on YouTube.”

Runners-Up: DoubleDave’s Pizzaworks, Magnolia Cafe

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GEORGIA

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The Grill
This “true diner” is the “only 24-hour joint in Athens other than Waffle House,” and is “famous for having every burger, shake, and patty melt under the sun,” in addition to a “ridiculous double-decker grilled cheese with bacon.” Decor is highlighted by “vintage comic books and soda bottles” that “people tried to steal every time they went” before realizing “they were in a glass case,” and so “swiped a ketchup bottle instead. I woke up with one in my purse once, and I don’t even like ketchup that much.”

Runner-Up: Little Italy Pizzeria, mainly because “in 2005, they discovered it was basically doubling as a meth lab. I’m not sure they cooked it there, but he dealt it. It was a big story in the Red and Black!”

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MIAMI

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New York Roma Pizza
“The old Groovy’s” in Coconut Grove is now “New York Pizza,” “the only pizza spot left in what passes for a college bar scene in Miami.” You may “get in multiple physical altercations there” when someone tries “the old ‘chat-and-cut’ move,” but the “slice with all the meat on it” is “totally worth it,” even though one time “some teacher stood in the doorway blocking everyone” and “proclaimed that he was a goddamn veteran of the United States Effing Marine Corps,” and “threatened to take down anyone who dared insult the integrity of that line.”

Runner-Up: El Mago de Las Fritas

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CORNELL

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Collegetown Bagels
Even though its circular wares are “good at all times — not just while drunk,” this “iconic” bagel shop run by “a friendly group of Ithaca townies who are just dying to partake in the college fun” is a “late-night fixture.” The “HUGE menu” is highlighted by “next-level pizza bagels — Tuscan verde, chicken melt, etc,” and also interestingly features “pitchers of beer and sangria.” “Stories abound” of people “having sex” or “just plain-old puking” in the bathrooms, and at least one fine patron has “peed a pizza box, right in front of a cop. That didn’t go so well.”

Runners-Up: College Town Pizza, Hot Truck

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FLORIDA

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Relish
This “super-greasy, design-your-own-burger shop” in a “little corner shopping center next to the strip of bars” will “let you stack up to 10 patties on a single burger” and “you also get to choose as many toppings and sauces as you want,” like the “Double Tasty with cheese, bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato, hummus, ranch, dijon mustard, and hot sauce.” It’s also “one of Gainesville’s top pick-up spots… seriously” and “hands-down the most fun line in town,” especially when “your friends start passing out left and right because of the wait — so be ready to abandon them to get your burger.”

Runners-Up: Five Star Pizza, Larry’s Giant Subs

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USC

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Chano’s
“You can’t spell Chano’s without nachos,” but this “little Mexican dive” “right next to frat row” is also “really the only possible choice” for “chicken quesadillas smothered in sour cream” and “holy-sh*t carne asada fries.” “Outdoor seating” and a “drive-thru no one from USC ever uses ‘cause they’re always too hammered to drive when going there” add to the SoCal ambiance, and the place is thankfully “not quite into the ‘hood enough to get you shanked.'” And, best of all, it’s “for everyone”: “I went to film school and was not in a frat, but nobody wanted to beat me up there.”

Runners-Up: “There are seriously no runner-ups — ask any Trojan”

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MARYLAND

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Ratsie’s Pizza
“The dirtiest dump ever” serves the most “rubbery, oily, desperate slice of pizza you could ever imagine,” which “will 100,000% give you the worst heartburn the next day” but “it’s so worth it.” “The guy who runs it always hits on college girls and gives them free pizza and stuff” and “flashing him might work”; otherwise, just watch “every single weird thing ever go down” as you put back “some slices and zucchini sticks.”

Runners-Up: Plato’s Diner, Cluck-U Chicken, D.P. Dough

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FLORIDA STATE

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Guthrie’s
Hop on the “line to the drive-thru that stays open until 4am” and “wait loudly” for your “Gut Box with extra Gut Sauce”: “chicken fingers, greasy crinkle-cut fries, sweet coleslaw, and buttery Texas toast.” Said sauce is “light pink and probably just a mix of mayo, ketchup, Worcestershire, and a sh*t-ton of garlic powder and pepper.” It’s also “the source of urban legends”: “you can use it as axle grease,” “one time a pledge chugged a gallon and had to go to the ER,” and “someone’s friend’s cousin had to get porcelain veneers because it removed all the enamel from her teeth.” “Don’t you dare go there sober — it will ruin your world view.”

Runners-Up: Gordos, Mr. Roboto Tokyo Grill

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ALABAMA

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Quick Grill
“Right on the strip,” this “permanent version of a New York peanut stand” is “can’t even fit a cook if the cook is fat” small and only manages room for “a couple random benches.” It’s “all about the Messy Fries”: “French fries swimming in nacho cheese” — just be sure to “get at least a billion napkins — they are ungodly messy.” After ordering at the window, “grab a seat and get ready to wait outside for a while,” as “the name is a bigger lie than Al Gore inventing beards.”

Runners-Up: Buffalo Phil’s, City Cafe, and Mr. T: “this guy who comes right into the bars and sells $2 BBQ sandwiches”

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NORTH CAROLINA

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[B]SKI’s
This “fairly nice-looking place if you didn’t look too closely at the rugs” will “turn any meal into a wrap,” “also known as a ‘ski.’” “No, I don’t know why.” Get yourself an “absolutely huge” “AK Ski with fried chicken, hot sauce, and ranch,” but be careful: “they blacklist people’s phone numbers who ordered delivery, then passed out before it got there,” leaving it to “become a game of figuring out who WASN’T blacklisted when you want an Aloha Ski after a long night.” “They also have ridiculously good chocolate chip cookies.”

Runners-Up: Time-Out Restaurant, Hot Dogs & Brew, Artisan Pizza Kitchen

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VIRGINIA

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The White Spot
The “hilariously inadvertent comment on the school’s lack of diversity” is “famous for one thing only”: the “Gus Burger,” which is “basically just a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top,” and “is not/never was made by a dude named Gus.” Bolder eaters may opt for the “Double Gus,” while watching “freshmen carry out a rite of passage: milling around hoping someone finds their gluttony attractive enough to take them home.” “This works approximately never, but you can get your hands on a Gus Burger approximately always.”

Runners-Up: Littlejohn’s New York Deli, Christian’s Pizza

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WEST VIRGINIA

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Are U Hungry/Sandwich U
“Also known as Sandwich U,” this joint sells “souvenir shirts that say ‘Have you had a Fat Bitch lately?’, not that I own one or anything,” but the real deal is the “just silly-big sandwiches,” including said Fat Bitch, as well as the “Fat Blunt and the Fat Bastard.” “They shove in everything imaginable” — “gyro meat, mozz sticks, chicken fingers, eggs” — and “out comes someone who needs a wheelbarrow to get home.”

Runners-Up: Casa D’Amici, Pita Pit, “that hot dog truck thing”

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COLORADO

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Cosmo’s Pizza
“Slices bigger than your head even if you’re some freak with a really huge head” are the featured item at this joint “in the little drunk/hungover-person Nirvana of a shopping center” that “also has Dot’s Diner.” “Really super-stoned people — not just drunks!” line up for slices that’re “basically just vehicles for the spicy ranch,” which “is also sold by the mason jar if you need to get your severe acid reflux on at home, too.”

Runners-Up: Tra Ling’s Oriental Cafe, “Smelly Deli” (University Hill Market & Deli)

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WISCONSIN

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Jin’s Chicken & Fish
This “piece of crap cart next to all the frats on Langdon” is “almost definitely run by the dude from Lost, although he looks different,” and peddles “sandwiches that will make you regret ever going to college the next AM.” “I literally never heard of anyone who got the fish,” but the “fried chicken with mayo and Frank’s is beyond delicious… I think” — “my entire night used to be about raising $4.” When that doesn’t work out, though, it’s not over: “we did card tricks for sandwiches one time, but that only worked for girls,” and it’s important to remember that “flashing always helps, too.”

Runners-Up: Ian’s Pizza, Parthenon Gyros

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INDIANA

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Mother Bear’s Pizza
“Old wooden booths and paneled walls” welcome you into this “institution” with “really affordable pizzas, even for poor people,” all “gently lorded over” by “the manager for, like, 100 years, Wiz” — “nobody beats her.” The “Divine Swine and Spinoccoli pies” are trusty go-tos, but if you’re really hungry, “just shut up and get the Munchie Madness,” “a package that included a pizza, breadsticks, brownies, and a two-liter.” “If I was an actual bear, and there were no foolish campers cooking bacon, I would come right here.”

Runners-Up: Aver’s Gourmet Pizza, Pizza X

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IOWA

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Panchero’s Mexican Grill
“The only thing you need to know about Panchero’s is the Quesadilla Girl video.” “So this girl starts screaming at another girl late-night, then whirls around and hits this dude in the face.” “He proceeds to push her, and then everything goes wild.” “She falls on the floor, and eventually gets up,” but “best of all, after all that,” “she goes behind the counter and demands her damn quesadilla.” “They’re that good.”

Runners-Up: Marco’s Grilled Cheese, Mesa Pizza, The Pit

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OHIO STATE

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Mikey’s Late Night Slice
“This place means the world to me,” and also does for “countless students who seem like they may never become sober again. Like, biologically.” “The hammered-people food-of-the-moment in Columbus” is “worth the long lines,” and while “the pizza will change your outlook on life and maybe make you run to the bathroom,” “don’t sleep on the Pizza Dawg,” a “giant hot dog filled with meat and cheese, then wrapped with a slice of pizza.” And don’t sleep with “the Slut Sauce,” which “delivers an awesome tang, but not like astronauts eat” and “should cover your pizza so thoroughly you can’t see anything but Slut.”

Runners-Up: PJ’s Sandwiches, Hounddog’s 3 Degree Pizza, Apollos Greek Kitchen

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MISSOURI

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El Rancho
“Most people will claim to absolutely hate El Rancho unless they’re drunk,” “and then that happens,” and then “you’ll find them at 2am demolishing a plate of steak fajita nachos.” “Right near all the bars,” this “cheap and dirty Mexican food” outpost “is open until 3am” and “will serve you booze all night” — “it’s the worst idea ever. Seriously, why would they do that?” “The margaritas are huge,” “made with cleaning products,” and “cost, like, a quarter.”

Runners-Up: Shakespeare’s Pizza, Broadway Diner

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OKLAHOMA

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Pizza Shuttle
“Basically the Totinos of delivery,” “no sane person would EVER eat this crap sober,” but, “hey, cheap pizza delivered to your door at 2:30am is fantastic.” “Their website hasn’t changed since Howard Schnellenberger was OU’s coach,” but they’ll still manage to deliver you “sandwiches that are every bit as delicious as their pizzas.” In summation, “it’s way more delicious than the space shuttle, plus it’s still in business.”

Runners-Up: The Mont Restaurant, O’Connell’s Irish Pub & Grille, Louie’s Grill & Bar

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LSU

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Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers
“The original,” which was “started by LSU business students who are now super-rich people” is “all decked out with LSU stuff,” including “much classier tiger-skin walls than normally found in chicken finger establishments.” “Go with the Box,” which is “filled with huge, greasy chicken fingers and fries,” but “be sure to switch out the cole slaw for extra Texas toast” so you can “most effectively sponge up all of the simply ridiculous Cane’s Sauce.” “I have no idea what it is, and honestly I don’t really care,” but “I would drink it with a straw if that’s what it came down to, and I kinda hope that’s what it comes down to.”

Runner-Up: Louie’s Cafe

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MICHIGAN STATE

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Bell’s Greek Pizza
“There’s great pizza in East Lansing,” but at 4am, “skip it and go to Bell’s.” “Like the dudes in the surrounding frats, it’s greasy and Greek,” but “nothing tastes like this pizza” — “the crust is like a sponge dunked in butter and deep-fried,” “the cheese is sharp and definitely not mozzarella,” and “you can eat the whole thing in two giant bites.” And at $1 a slice, “it’s the main contributor to the freshman 15.” They’ve also got “super-greasy grinders, pasta, and spinach pie,” plus, unlike most eateries in the city, “it’s been around since the ’60s,” so you can “take your alum dad there and relive memories he doesn’t actually remember.”

Runners-Up: Georgio’s Gourmet Pizza, Jersey Giant Subs, Menna’s Joint, Goombas Pizza USA

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ARIZONA STATE

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Oregano’s Pizza Bistro
While “the pizza is pretty good,” especially “the stuffed ones, which weigh about 600lbs a slice,” “I did it all for the Pizookie.” The “massive half-baked soft cookie” is “the finest piece of drunk food ass I’ve ever seen.” Go with “half chocolate chip, half white chocolate macadamia nut,” or the “peanut butter,” but the topper, literally, is “mounds of vanilla ice cream.” “The thing is only five bucks, but it could probably feed a family for weeks, even if they were a really fat family.”

Runners-Up: Cheba Hut, Silver Mine Subs

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