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Hit-Or-Miss

Flintstones Push-Ups, Thank You For My Childhood

flinstones-pushups-for-kids

Photo: Thomas Kohler

Until I grew into a freakishly long body and started chasing girls—or awkwardly stumbling after them, to be exact—I could’ve lived off of Flintstones Push-Up Pops (and Golden Grahams for morning nutrition, naturally). That’s all I really remember eating as a kid in the summertime.

And, damn, did I eat.

Some kids handle snacks like drunk birds, where they do things like color-code and set aside Skittles “for later.” I was in the other category of youngins, the ones who eat and live in the moment.

flinstones_2

Photo: Kasey Eriksen

So as a child without any regard whatsoever for “manners” or “sitting still,” I was a constant threat to…well, everything—my parents’ carpet, my grandparents’ couch, pets’ whiskery faces, you name it. It was probably safer to hand me a bomb than dessert. If I had an ice cream cone in my hand, there was only a 5% chance most of it wasn’t going on the ground or the rest of my face.

Imagine my shock and awe when Flintstone Push-Ups hit the scene.

It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if a long-hidden conspiracy arose about push-ups being designed by parent-hired scientists back in the day. Not only were they fun for kids, push-ups were a straight up genius invention.

With its cardboard cylinder, you couldn’t make a mess. There was hardly a risk of spillage, and you didn’t wind up with a sticky face or hand since you were, by way of an elevator-like stick, only methodically exposed to reasonable portions at a time. The pressure was off! With push-ups, I instantly went from deplorable house guest to borderline tolerable.

The delicious sherbet prison concept wasn’t new in the 90s, though, and Nestlé’s push-ups still exist today. But without the friends and family of dedicated employee and doting husband-father Fred Flintstone, it kind of feels like a sham.

Fred and his kin were always there for you, from start to finish, like a good waiter always checking in on you without doing finger guns. Yes, I’d say, I am still enjoying this tasteful amount of sherbert, Fred, thank you.

The whole line-up was near flawless. Fred was Yabba Dabba Doo Orange, Wilma was Limerock Lime, Barney was Raspberry Rubble, Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm split Cave Kid Cherry, Dino was Granite Grape, and then Baby Puss was Bedrock Berry for some reason.

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Photo: Mark Anderson

I always thought it was weird they chose the pet cat over Barney’s wife. Like, was Betty’s raw sexuality a concern for Nestlé, given that she was a stone-cold dime piece who married beneath her?

But like all good things—rainbows, the Beatles, Kirk Cameron’s likeability—they come to an end. That’s why you treasure them. Flintstone Push-Ups hit fever pitch in the mid-90s and it just wasn’t sustainable. How could it be?

Looking back, it feels like their market presence melted as quickly as they did. Yet, if you ate a push-up right, even the sloppiest eater could leave someone’s house with a clean hand and a cleaner conscience.

Categories
Features

7 First Date Dinner Tips That Will Land You A Second

With the plethora of dating apps that are available nowadays, the number of first dates people can go on now seems infinite. With that same token, because meeting new potential lovers is so easy now, standards have been raised, resulting in a lot of first dates and only a few second dates.

I can’t help you with your personality, if you suck then you suck. However, the food you eat and the way you eat it is something that can be helped.

Don’t Stuff Yourself

You would think this is common knowledge, but I can tell you right now, I’ve broken this rule once or twice and paid the price for it. Nobody wants to go home with the guy that’s rolling around on the restaurant floor, grunting and moaning like a beached whale trying to shimmy back into the water. Unless she’s rolling around on the floor with you. In that case, you may have just found the exception to the rule, grab her hand and put a ring on it. Preferably an onion ring.

Be Willing To Share Your Food

Guys, if you’re anything like me, you don’t want to share your food. At this early stage in the relationship though, you need to be OK with it. There will be plenty of times in the future where you can ban your girl from coming near your plate, even use the items on the table as a makeshift barrier to keep her and her intrusive fork out of your no-try zone. Try to offer a bite of your food. More often than not, your date will politely decline, but she will remember that you offered, and that could go a long way.

Avoid Greens That Will Get Stuck In Your Teeth

Things like arugula and spinach could cause obnoxious trouble, since they can stick to your teeth when they’re steamed or drenched in dressing, kind of like how wet toilet paper sticks to the side of the toilet at your favorite dive bar. Things in most salads like iceberg lettuce and cucumbers won’t cause any trouble, since the crunchy texture makes them more difficult to hide in your mouth.

Sidenote: While they aren’t one of the leafy vegetables, other foods that teeth use as clothing are small seeds, peanut skins, popcorn, fruit skins, celery and stringy meats.

Stay Away From Sea Creatures With Shells

There’s a girl out there living her life without me in it because I ordered crab legs on our first date and squirted crab juices directly into her eye, from four feet away. She was sweet enough to laugh it off and finish the date, but the sight of me crushing legs and sending shards of shell flying all over the place likely didn’t help my cause. That image doesn’t induce sexual desires, I assure you.

While we’re on the subject, try to avoid sucking down oysters as well. While they can be a powerful aphrodisiac, the sound and image of slurping it down alone is enough to turn a lot of people off.

Messy Finger Foods

I love ribs and wings as much as the next red-blooded American, but girls don’t really resonate with guys whose faces are slathered in barbecue or hot sauce. Remember, if you play your cards right, she’ll be making out with you later. Do you really want to kiss her and have her get a taste of the leftover Frank’s Hot Sauce in your mouth? And to take it a step further, on your fingers? Think about it. In fact, try to avoid finger foods altogether. Women are turned on by refined men who are polite and have manners, throttling chicken fingers with a kung fu grip may not necessarily hurt your cause, but it certainly won’t help either.

Things That Make You Go “Pfffffttttt”

Hold it in! Farting due to stress or nervousness is a fairly universal issue with humans. Since your anxiety already might cause some bubbling in your stomach, it’s best to avoid foods that can double up on that methane output, such as beans, cabbage, garlic, broccoli, turnips and the majority of dairy products. While they may not make you gassy right then and there at dinner, they certainly will at a later time that might be ridiculously inconvenient for you, if you catch my drift. Thankfully I have no harrowing experiences with this, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’ve cut it pretty close before (pun intended).

Pick A Regular Spot

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Going out to a cool new place could be fun, especially if it’s a place neither of you have been to before. Jumping into a mystery together can certainly be great a way to bond. Despite all of this, you should still avoid going to a new spot on the first date. It’s a dangerous game to play, especially if you or your date have any dietary restrictions or specific eating habits based on ethical or religious reasons, something you might not even know until it’s too late and you’re sitting at Lucille’s Barbecue with a vegan.

Follow these rules and you should be in good shape for your second date. Just don’t ask me what to do for those, that’s a completely different ball game.

Image Source:

Triad City Beat, Twitter, Momma’s Got A Dude’s Name, wikiHow, Wykop, FanPop,Etouloo

Categories
Products

These Finger Condoms Are Designed for Messy Food

finger-condoms

Since shaking people’s hands with greasy, buffalo-sauced fingers is usually frowned upon, someone in South Korea went ahead and invented finger condoms. Named FingerNaps, these mini plastic garbage bags slip right onto your digits. They’re made specifically for the sloppy sort of food: mayo-soaked burgers, slippery chicken wings, deep-fried potato sticks, etc.

For those visual learners, here you go:

fingernap

Still, while the clever contraptions protect you from inconvenient messes, there’s something satisfying about raw-dogging into your plate of warm food, sans FingerNaps.

H/T FWF

Categories
Products

DAW: Clever Baby Bib Turns Gross Messes Into Food Art

Baby Bib

Babies are smart cookies. It might seem like all they do is eat, sleep, poop and look cute (all of the above is true), but there’s so much more to little munchkins. The Goo Period Vincent Van Bib is here to expose that truth.

The concept is simple — you know how babies get super messy when they’re slobbering food all over themselves? Well, there’s hidden genius in said sloppy situation — most kiddos are actually just creating awesome works of goo art. The mashed-peas-meets-apple-juice-meets-cookie-crumbs combo makes for a beautiful bib painting, and such artistry is captured by a complimentary gold frame on this stylin’ tot accessory.

Even though the Vincent Van Bib might seem semi-gross, the huge upside is that it’s not necessarily only for babies. Seriously, who’s stopping you? It’s possible to make your own Goo Period piece on your lunch break for a small fee of $7 per bib. We say go for it.

Goo Period Vincent Van Bib $7 @Perpetual Kid

H/T Incredible Things + PicThx Perpetual Kid

Categories
Products

Keyboard With Built-In Plate Is Convenience Genius

I need one of these in my life. A keyboard that lets you eat in blissful convenience is a necessity to every modern day techie that spends at least 24 hours of the day at their computer. Because, let’s get real, how many times have you nonchalantly eaten a sandwich while simultaneously typing away, only to have a shower of crumbs ruthlessly spill into the tiny cracks between the keys? Or, more importantly, there’s the dilemma of not having enough space to work and eat — your desk having room for only your keyboard or plate of food. This is where the Keyboard Plate comes into play, featuring a built-in plate that also works as a keyboard protector. It’s the epitome of convenience, theoretically dishwasher safe and the solution to all of life’s problems. Theoretically.

 

keyboard with built in plate

via jongeriuslab

Categories
Humor

These are the Worst Foods to Eat While Driving

As a lifelong commuter, here’s a situation I’ve found myself in more times than I’d like to admit:

It’s 6 p.m. and I’ve just gotten out of work (or class or internship or whatever) and I. Am. Starving. With a capital “Sta.” I don’t want to wait for dinner and chances are when I get home, I’ll just have to bury myself in more work anyway, so I do the only logical thing and head to the nearest watering hole to pick myself up a little something-something—you know, just to keep me and my fat ass company for the next 45 minutes.

And after doing this for a while now, I can proudly say I’ve learned a few things. Here’s a brief (by no means inclusive) list of foods I’ve learned it sucks to eat on a long drive home:

Burritos

Now I’m not talking about all burritos. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that Taco Bell has absolutely perfected car food. Their tacos and burritos are more tortilla than meat and their Crunchwrap Supreme is definitive proof that God loves everybody, even the chronically one-handed. No, no, I’m talking about you, Chipotle. And you, quasi-authentic Mexican place I still get embarrassed trying to pronounce the name of. Your food is amazing, but when I’m fiending for some Carne Asada on the way home and everything just falls out everywhere after the first bite, ain’t nobody happy. Especially not my seat covers.

Lee’s Sandwiches

Could you make a messier sandwich? I mean, I know all breads slough crumbs, but these baguettes do not leave behind crumbs. They leave behind bread shrapnel. Lots of it. Without fail, each and every bite I take sets off hundreds of invisible mines, sending piece after piece of French-Ameri-Viet fusion hurtling toward my carpets, where they remain buried for weeks until I find the time to pick them out with my bare hands. Plus there’s the smell. Jesus.

In-N-Out

I know you’re trying baby, and I appreciate that, I do. It literally warms my heart every time I’m pulling through the drive-thru and the cute little In-N-Out girl with her silly hat smiles at me and asks whether or not I’ll be eating in the car, but let’s be real. Them wrappers is difficult. This is not a burger you can eat with one hand. Instead you’re caught pinky and palm on the wheel, all spare fingers barely holding onto that Double-Double-y goodness, while your free hand tries gently to peel back layer after layer of wax wrapping so your next bite isn’t just a mouthful of paper. Which, if you haven’t tried it, is actually pretty damn difficult to do. The only saving grace here are the fries, which are easy, and are probably the only reason I haven’t stopped doing this yet, in spite of all the car safety laws I know I’m breaking. YO-freaking-LO.

Alcohol

Just kidding. Foodbeast does not suggest or recommend drinking and driving. That would be dumb.

Any saucy/greasy or otherwise obnoxiously messy handheld thing

This is probably the saddest one on this list. This is what I eat when I hate the world and I hate myself and I really really really just need something battered and bathed in pig fat. In all seriousness though, eating this stuff while driving sucks. If you’re anything like me, chances are the guilt from buying the two dozen garlic parmesan wings is enough to convince you to try and be neat and hold the things with a napkin—which would, of course, ultimately fail, leaving you with dozens if not hundreds of little greasy finger prints all over your steering wheel, door handle and stick shift. Yeah, not pretty. And yeah, I’m driving stick.

Now, there are definitely foods that don’t suck to eat as a commuter. There are french fries and Taco Bell, as we’ve said. There are KFC chicken wraps, if you’re into that. In my perfect world, every rush hour craving would be for Panda Express.

First of all, the two-item entree comes in a huge box that can sit comfortably on my lap. Second of all, as long as you get the right things, you can stick it all with a fork—it’s amazing. So thank you Panda, for being the most commuter-friendly food I can think of (at least for the moment). Thank you Orange Chicken. Thank you steamed rice. Thank you, most of the things on the Panda Express menu. Except you, fried rice, you and your oily, slippery, un-forkable bullsh*t. You can go suck a fat one.

Think we missed one? What do you think are the worst foods to eat with driving?

Categories
Adventures

Adventure: Claws (Garden Grove)

For almost a year now, Elie has been raving about Claws in Garden Grove off of Brookhurst Avenue. He even covered it for FoodBeast in the past, but we wanted to make a new trip with the whole crew! We had oysters and cajun fries and shrimp, and spicy crawfish. Definitely one of the best messy meals I’ve ever had. Somehow I kept my hands clean enough to shoot photos on my iPhone after my camera battery died, which you can see after the jump. Then when you’re done viewing them and you’re drooling, head on over there for yourself.