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Culture Drinks Humor

10 Tips From a Former Barista That Will Ensure The Best Coffee Experience Ever

Listen, I get that the empire that is Starbucks has been crumbling in the past few weeks. With closures due to public outrage, the coffee conglomerate has seen better days.

However, it doesn’t mean that one bad egg ruins the bunch. The bunch is human, the bunch gets that what happened is abhorred, the bunch still has to go into work the next day and deal with the hundreds of people yelling and screaming at their faces for something so insignificant like coffee being too bitter.

So show the bunch some humanity.

I’m not asking for sympathy, just decency towards the people that have been up since 4 A.M. trying to give you a little pep in your step.

I’ve been a barista for five years, give or take. I’ve seen pretty much everything there is to see when it comes to inept customers not getting the simple and relatively easy to understand ins and outs about coffee.

I see how this complaint could be petty, but petty turns to torture when it’s hammered into my head every day. The fact that I have nightmares of my face melting off from someone angrily throwing coffee at my face, telling me it tastes “like dirt,” is a problem.

Instead of getting angry for not getting what you want like a child, there are steps you can take to  keep your latte from being spat into, and make your experience a little more pleasant at your local coffee shop

If You’re in Line, Decide

Figure out what you want before you get to the register. I can’t tell you how many times someone will mess around on their phone until they get to the register and still not know what they want. I’m not your mom, I’m your barista, I will help you if you know what you want. If not, at least lead with that.

Caffeine ≠ Coffee

Too many times people will walk in and say they want coffee, but aren’t down to drink a 16 oz cup of dark roast, or squeal when their cup is full of espresso. If you want coffee, say coffee; if you want caffeine, that’s a different story.  There’s so much more for you if you want caffeine. You can have espresso, iced coffee, cold brew, tea, or a mix.

There’s More Than One Type

Not all beans are equal. Certain coffee beans produce a different flavor profile and complexity. Even Starbucks, with their unicorn bs, still has three different types of coffee brewing in the morning. Ask the difference and taste it too, you’ll have a better morning if you have the coffee you like best.

Hot is Different From Burnt

Extra hot milk is just burned milk. Anything over 200 degrees is just burned. If you’re trying to save it for later just get a stopper to keep the heat from escaping, or get it later, I doubt there isn’t a starbucks around wherever you are.

Ethnocentricism is no Excuse

Cold brew has been around for a long time. Just because Starbucks recently began doling out the new drink doesn’t mean they created it. According to historical records, cold brew finds its origins in Japan, specifically in Kyoto. It used to be referred to as Kyoto-style coffee, and only recently has been proliferate amongst US markets. See, pretty interesting huh? Ask a barista, and if they’ve got an ounce of intelligence and care, they’ll gladly tell you any further information or tidbits.

Don’t Play Yourself

Milk/cream and sugar are not needed. Sometimes the reason your coffee tastes so bad is because it’s just not the right type. Not all black coffee is a bitter charcoal pit. This isn’t a one size fits all type of situation. Just like there are different flavors of tea, there are different roasts with varying characteristics. Experiment a little, baristas are there to help you with that. Don’t just say it’s gross and expect us to read your mind, tell us what flavors you’re into.

This is Not That

If you order a Caramel Frappuccino with extra caramel because you want “coffee,” I will slap you. In my mind, at least.

There Are Actual Sizes

“Regular” is not and has never been a size. I assume you mean medium, which is mostly correct, but for those special folks that think I’m being dumb when I ask what exactly they mean, regular is not real.

Seek Within

If you really don’t know what you want, just ask yourself these three questions: 1. Do I want something hot or cold? 2. Do I want caffeine? 3. Do I want sugar? If you just tell your barista these three things and give them free reign to do whatever, they’ll have a blast and you’ll probably find a new favorite drink.

Enjoy

Overall, enjoy the experience that the barista is trying to impart. We genuinely care about the coffee, it’s what’s keeping us from throwing a bagel in your face at 5 in the morning. So take a minute, soak in the environment and know this isn’t a vending machine, it’s a cafe and we have real beans with real hot water and real people, not a robot.

Categories
Fast Food Hit-Or-Miss

McDonald’s Shows They Don’t Understand Memes, Should Be Banned From Social Media

McDonald’s isn’t exactly great at relating to the youth. That much was clear when they eliminated cheeseburgers from Happy Meals, and now again with their failed attempt at being relevant in meme culture.

Thursday morning, McDonald’s tweeted out a photo of a McDonald’s building with the caption saying:

“Him: Meet me at McDonald’s? Barber: Say no more, fam.”

A clearly terrible attempt at the “say no more” meme, McDonald’s was apparently trying to reference a haircut ban at a U.K. school where kids are no longer allowed to sport a “Meet me at McDonald’s” style.

First of all, what in the hell is a “Meet me at McDonald’s” haircut, why was it a thing, and why is it an issue at UK schools. It doesn’t seem to be a gang, or symbolic issue, so this is confusing.

Although we get it, I guess, it was such a hyperlocal issue that no one knew what the hell McDonald’s was talking about, and the restaurant got lit up with Twitter responses.


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Mickey D’s needs to take a cue from Wendy’s, because this was pretty bad. McDonald’s social media game is so cookie cutter, across the globe, so it’s surprising anyone follows them at all, and the one time they tried to say something relatable, they blew it.

Just stick to your your cheesy burger gifs and staged fry photos.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

‘Counting Donuts’ Is The Latest Food Math Meme That’s Taking Over Reddit

There seems to be an insatiable appetite for math memes lately, with several involving symbols of fast food items that require the ability to execute basic algebra. I’m sure we all felt like geniuses after solving the McDonald’s food math meme a few months ago, and they just keep going.

Now, ‘Counting Donuts’ is the newest food math meme causing a stir — partly because it didn’t make any sense.

The meme, which garnered more than 12,000 upvotes in just one day, was posted by Reddit user Sunbolts to the r/Tumblr subreddit. The post depicts an image of a Tumblr thread, featuring an image of a young woman’s face next to a stack of donuts. Underneath the image is a short cryptic conversation about the purchase of “doughnuts.”

Initially, Tumblr user dingoinnuendo commented:

“I bought 46 doughnuts at the store today”

User antareklause (incorrectly) responded:

“If each pack has 12 doughnuts, wouldn’t it be 48 doughnuts??”

Then things got weird when dingoinnuendo clapped back:

“I have 3 packs of 12 and 1 pack of 10 because they were all out of 12’s i know how to count my doughnuts son.”

While the sum of 46 is correct. For some reason, this thread is gaining some serious traction, but it’s a bit hazy why a pointless meme about counting donuts is climbing the viral ranks.

Comment from discussion Counting donuts.

It’s now peppered with more than dozens of comments, debating whether or not the arithmetic behind this donut equation is actually true.

Comment from discussion Counting donuts.

Comment from discussion Counting donuts.

However, some people thought there might be more to the story. Were two donuts consumed prior to counting? The world may never know.

Comment from discussion Counting donuts.

Eventually, people stopped caring about the cryptic mathematics and started discussing their favorite type of donuts and other random donut preferences.

Comment from discussion Counting donuts.

Regardless of the mystery behind the equation, at least this post gave donut lovers everywhere the ability to express their love for the world’s best pastry.

Comment from discussion Counting donuts.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss Humor Opinion

This Bakery Charges People Based On Their Pokemon GO Team

In the past few days, the entire nation has been double-slapped, low kicked and karate chopped by the emergence of (quite possibly) the most quickly and widely downloaded app of all time: Pokemon GO.

The GPS-based game has been a phenomenon in terms of both popularity and practical benefit. Not only have people been going outside and walking around more, but many kids even claimed that it has helped with their depression, giving them a reason to go outside again.

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Well, each player is required to run around and catch pokemon. Once you’ve done enough of that, you reach level 5, and at that point you choose a team to represent. The three teams are the fire bird Moltres of Team Valor (Go Valor!), the electric bird Zapdos of Team Instinct, and the ice bird Articuno of Team Mystic. Admittedly, the most obnoxious people join Team Valor, and we love it that way.

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One obnoxious Team Valor member also happens to run a bakery in Toronto and posted this sign outside of his window. Redditor Dubiono was able to catch the sign and share its glory with the wide world of Pokemon and their trainers.

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Although the owner likely put the sign up as a joke, nobody knows for sure, as the seriousness that people approach this game with is unprecedented. Still, the message is clear: his team is the only one that matters.

The common misconception amongst all players is that Team Valor members are neanderthals, Team Mystic members are lame and Team Instinct members are idiots. While this is untrue (for the most part), they certainly nailed it with me and Team Valor.

 

 

Photo Credit: Reddit, Gammerson

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Coffee Artist Makes Internet Memes in Lattes, Includes Dramatic Gopher and Lil Bub

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Michael Breach has a unique talent for coffee art. Specifcally if it involves creating famous internet memes from the foam. Among these creations are the dramatic chipmunk, the adorable Boo the Pomeranian, Lil Bub and even the disgustingly popular poo emoji. Breach, in an exclusive with Fast Company, shows how he creates each one via video.

Breach began making coffee art during his time as a barista. Now, he owns his own coffee shop in Brooklyn and creates latte art as a profession, including ads and commercials. It’s gotta be great taking a talent you enjoy and turning it into a professional business. Especially in this coffee-addicted, meme-obsessed era we live in.

Check out the video below to see Breach’s process of bringing the internet phenomenons to caffeinated life.

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Latte-Meme-Dog

Latte-Meme-Poo

H/T Design Taxi

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

This Grumpy Cat 3D Latte is Grumpier Than Grumpy Cat

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So normally we’d be super stoked to see yet another food product based off of the famous Grumpy Cat meme, and who could blame us? There’s something ridiculously satisfying about munching on the Grumpy Cat’s perpetual look of hateful misery, especially when that misery comes in the form of a cookie. But this 3D Grumpy Cat latte looks less grumpy and more like the unfortunate offspring of the Wicked Witch of the West and a particularly sad panda. We love you, Grumpy Cat. Just . . . not like this.

H/T Incredible Things

Categories
Sweets

Grumpy Cat Cookies? No. (But Yes)

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If you know Grumpy Cat, you know he (?) doesn’t appreciate cookies. Or sugar. Or happiness. Although, that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t enjoy devouring his face, laughing all the while! These paradoxically cute cookies are from Whipped Bakeshop in Philadelphia, and reddit loves them. Sort of.

Which is great, because weren’t we all getting a little tired of joy-cookies, anyway?

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H/T + PicThx Neatorama