Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Maryland Teen Breaks Into Home, Eats Food, Whacks Off Then Bounces

Some little fartling has raised the bar for shittiness worldwide by not only breaking into someone’s house and stealing shit, but then eating the homeowner’s food and masturbating into his fridge. Don’t read that sentence again, you read it right the first time. This little hellspawn literally chowed down then began badgering his witness right into the fruits and vegetables drawer.

Kids these days, am I right?

The crime of passion took place in Laurel, Maryland, on the 3400 block of Old Annapolis Road.

The victim had been robbed before when an intruder broke in and stole an electronic tablet, so he decided to set up cameras throughout the house in order to catch any future would-be thieves. It was later discovered that the little splooge scrooge that was punchin’ his munchkin into the fridge was the same suspect that robbed the house the first time.

On November 7th, 2015, the Anne Arundel County Police Department was alerted of a breach in security at the home. After reviewing the tape, police saw the suspect walk into the kitchen and eat the homeowner’s food. The little semen demon then topped off the night with his pièce de résistance, which was his plan to smite his knight into the fridge.

Dude…why? I can’t figure out why this 15-year-old spermin’ vermin chose to bash his bishop directly into the fridge rather than pop a squat on the couch or take a stroll into one of the bedrooms.

Police eventually tracked the sproglodyte down and arrested him, charging him with two counts of first degree burglary, three counts of theft and my personal favorite, cause to ingest bodily fluid. I didn’t even know that was something you could be charged with.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to adjust your antenna, do it in the privacy of your own home, on your own food.

Image Source: iFunny, Comic Vine

Categories
FOODBEAST

Foodfapping 2012: The Year in Sex-Related Food News

Face it, the best part of not dying during Mayan Doomsday is knowing we still get to enjoy the two things that make this life worth living: Food and sex.

Here’s some of the best, worst, strangest and most OMGWTFBBQ-worthy sex-related news stories we saw this year.

Enter at your own risk.

 

1. Happy Steak and Blowjob Day!

Celebrated on March 14, AKA “Valentine’s Day for men,” the day for all you ladies out there to “show your man just how much you care.”

 

2. Whiskey Dick, the World’s First Whiskey-Flavored Lube

The guys from Epic Meal Time made a whiskey-flavored personal lubricant, to use on Steak and Blow Job Day I guess.

 

3. Selling Sex Out of a Food Truck

Here’s a lesson you can take away from this story about a Long Island food truck owner who tried selling her escort services on the side: Never trust the “secret sauce.”

 

4. Japanese Artist Cooks Up and Serves Own Genitalia

Can you say sausage fest?

 

5. How to Drink Wine and Not Fall Asleep Before Sexy Times

Thanks to sex therapist Dr. Ruth, you can now drink wine with only 6% ABV, which is apparently just enough to get you frisky, but not enough for naptime. Finally!

 

6. Don’t Have Sex With Olive Oil as Lubricant — Or This Can Happen

Hint: Don’t make jokes about Pam Cooking Spray either, ’cause ain’t none of this funny.

 

7. Mushroom or Masturbation Toy?

That’s the question that plagued one poor Chinese news station, who unfortunately broadcast the wrong answer throughout most of Asia. Oops?

 

8. Chocolate Penis Cowboy Hats – Yes, Really

Say “howdy” to our little friends.

 

9. STD Cupcakes – For If You’ve Ever Thought About Banging a Cupcake

Brought to us by a few of the grody minds at Eat Your Heart Out, these disease-ridden clapcakes have actually helped to promote STD awareness. Hell, I believe it. Ew.

 

10. PETA Makes A Video About Carrot Penises

The secret to staying long and strong? Eat your veggies, apparently. Now there’s something you won’t learn about in sex ed.

 

11. In more WTF Olive Oil News: Don’t Inject Your Penis With The Stuff — Or This Can Happen

Answer: Your penis won’t grow larger and it’ll actually fall off and die.

 

12. The 50 Shades of Chicken Cookbook

Possibly the only good thing to come out of this year’s 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. Because topless chefs and BDSM poultry? Hot.

 

13. Chocolate Viagra?

The EU is raring to release a “natural alternative” to everyone’s favorite little blue pill. According to Angus Kennedy, founder of Kennedy’s Confection trade magazine, “It’s an all-natural ingredient which could give men the legendary staying power of some of the world’s greatest lovers.” Mmmm, sounds super sexy.