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Hit-Or-Miss

The Party Animal Pasts These 5 Celebrity Chefs Don’t Want You To Know

Sex and drugs and… lobster rolls? Why does it seem that so many celebrity chefs have a wild side? Maybe they just like slurping things out of spoons so much that they decided to try injecting those same things?

Many of them claim that their joie de vivre is the very thing that makes them such good chefs—in essence, their indulgent nature lets them know how to help other people indulge. Well, thank god they’re slinging crème brûlée and not crack cocaine. Let’s take a look at the rituals and party habits of some of the most well known chefs around the globe.

Anthony Bourdain

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While we’ll never know all of what Bourdain smuggled in parts unknown, this jetsetter enjoys a vibrant lifestyle and never shies away from the sauce. Before he became famous, however, he fostered notorious habits for cocaine, heroin, and the occasional acid trip—which he describes vividly in his book Kitchen Confidential. He was also a remorseless, two-and-a-half pack a day smoker, until his daughter was born in 2007.

Keith Floyd

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This chef might not be recognizable to many Americans, but he influenced an entire generation of boozing British gourmands. His off-the-cuff style included cracking jokes with members of his crew and drinking goblets of wine while filming. His excessive lifestyle of heavy drinking, smoking, and extravagant eating ultimately did him in, but he remains a whiskey-pickled touchstone for a hundred other party-hearty celebrity chefs that followed in his footsteps.

Nigella Lawson

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British cook Nigella Lawson rose to success on the back of her book How to Be a Domestic Goddess. While she amassed a fortune of reportedly £100 million, money couldn’t buy her happiness, especially after she married art collector Charles Saatchi. The emotionally abusive relationship led Lawson to seek refuge in cocaine and pot. (Unfortunately, the abusive Saatchi forbade her from entertaining, meaning there was never any amazing coke- and pot-fueled gourmet Friendsgiving you’re imagining.) After the two split, she’s maintained that she’s totally drug free.

Epic Meal Time

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The meat-headed madmen at Epic Meal Time are constantly upping their game, and recently their cookouts have become full-blown ragers. With sexy assistants and tons of meat, what more do you want from a party? But these beasts of BBQ were smart enough to add a healthy dose of booze to their unhealthy dose of a calories, and Jack Daniels is a regular invite to each and every meal time.

Andrew Zimmern

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This cheeky traveler used to steal more than just a taste of Bizarre Foods. When he was getting down, Zimmern would snatch full purses to get his fix. While he hasn’t fully disclosed his personal habits during this dark period in his life, Zimmern was reportedly homeless for about a year and half owing to severe drug and alcohol addiction. Compared to that, eating octopus anus probably doesn’t sound so bad.

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Hit-Or-Miss

12 Uncomfortable And Offensive Cakes You Won’t Believe Exist

Are you tired of the same old, pleasant, appealing birthday cake? Well, why not take one of these wildly offensive cakes for a spin? From historic tragedies, to vulgarities, to sexual deviancy, there’s something for everybody… to get offended by. Have a slice of disgust below before you, kindly, go fuck yourself.

1. When You Finally Decide To Leave Tinder

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I’m just here for the cake. Wait… what did you say this frosting was made of?

2. The Baby Shower From Hell

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Your two favorite things, together at last!

3. So, About Your Pet Horse…

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Dibs on the tongue!

4. When Grandma’s Got A Potty Mouth

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We’re all sorry about that, Carol. P.S. My birthday was last month.

5. Sometimes, Unfriending Isn’t Enough

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Even leprechaun parents aren’t proud that you majored in dance at Chico State.

6. The “Where’s Waldo” Of Terrifying Desserts

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Perfect for friends that loooove to solve puzzles.

7. How To Quell Bae’s Fears

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Then why isn’t it on your mouth, Kyle? Why isn’t it on your mouth?

8. The Jared Fogle Cake

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Unless your windowless van can take us all the way to Iceland, I’m going to have to decline.

9. “Never Forget Your Birthday”

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Who could possibly forget these two tasty towers?

10. The Colonoscopy Cake

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Why pronunciation is crucial when ordering a bundt cake.

11. The Interracial Lesbian Anniversary Cake

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Got pussy?

12. How To Show Someone You Hate Them

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Clearly the most offensive and disgusting cake on this entire list.

Categories
#foodbeast Hit-Or-Miss

2015’s Best Instagram Food Porn Creators And Curators

If you have an Instagram account, first of all, follow us, if you’re not already. If you’re already rolling in the deep with the #foodbeast Instagram fam, however, you probably know most of the Instagrammers on the list. It’s been a great year for food porn and no one does it better than these guys.

  1. Dude Foods

You’ll never find a more elegant Spaghetti and Meatball Cone, or a Tomato-Soup Stuffed Grilled Cheese Ball so divine. Hell, his Bacon Weave Taco is straightup exquisite. Dude…FOODS. 100% reason to remember the name.

  1. There She Cooks

 

Imagine this honey gingerbread dough ferments for six weeks in the fridge before it gets baked A photo posted by Monika Walecka, San Francisco (@thereshecooks) on

Just look at those textures! Each of Monika Walecka’s photos has a romantic, intimate sense— she could make you tear up with just an image of a single bread slice!

  1. Tym Bussanich

The king of the deep fryer. Who is this man? Where did he come from? Where did he go? All we know is that he gets right to the gore of food with his quick condensed how-to videos—the oozing, gushing, beauty of food that the food world is slowly beginning to better appreciate. Your arteries may get clogged just by looking at Tym’s bready body of work, but I’ll be damned if that White Castle Pizza isn’t worth it.

  1. A Brown Table

Nik Sharma isn’t taking just any ordinary photos, he’s telling culinary stories. Using black and heavy shadows to his advantage, he strategically spotlights elements or details on his subjects that one might not notice otherwise: the deep crack of a freshly baked cookie; a sprinkling of pixie dust-like powdered sugar; the waxy exterior of multi-colored tomatoes… Cooking is an art form, and Sharma captures this fact perfectly.

  1. Stir and Style

Based in LA, you’ll find June Q. at all the best food events in town: openings, tastings, hot spots, the works; all for the sake of chomping down and slurping up the best grub. Lucky for us, she snaps food pics along the way so we at least can dream.  

  1. Miss Foodie Problems

She got 99 problems, but is food really one? A quick browse through Corey’s—aka Ms. Foodie Problems’—Insta will give you your answer: absolutely not! This lady both snaps and cooks, and no two photos look even slightly similar. The praise hands emojis tell no lies.

  1. Culinary Brodown

Here’s the lowdown on the Brodown: he cooks. He writes. He participates in Grilled Cheese Sandwich competitions. Any questions? You’ll find your answers at instagram.com/culinarybrowdown.

  1. No Garlic No Onions

A wonderfully diverse mix of Middle-Eastern and foodgasm-inducing eats, NGNO will lead your tongue to book the next flight to Lebanon, Dubai, and beyond. Bismillah!

  1. Peep My Sneaks

Deep fried Big Mac. Deep fried lasagna rolls. Pregnant goldfish? Yup, that’s him. If you’re not peeping these eats, you’re sleepin’ on eats. Wake up! Getcha head in the game. This Sneakerhead is going to save us all with nothing but a handful of cheese and some canola oil.

  1. Cheat Day Eats

Not sure if all of these eats were technically eaten on “Cheat Day,” but also, who cares? As long as Ms. Jessica Cheat Day keeps posting gorgeous ‘grams like these, we can postpone the gym just a wee bit longer. Because it’s Cheat Day.

  1. Josh Elkin

One of the most ingenuitive in the food scene, Josh’s creations have included a s’mores cone, a cup made of cheeseburger, and a timely R2-D2 poutine. AN R2-D2 POUTINE. And when he’s not cooking and concocting, you can find him hosting Sugar Showdown on the Cooking Channel. It’s po ssible Josh doesn’t need sleep.

  1. Try It Or Diet

Mac and cheese burger #tryitordiet | 📷: @devourpower | 📍: @theainsworth

A photo posted by Try it Or Diet | #TryitorDiet (@tryitordiet) on

Harbingers of screen-lickable photos (hellloo, milky buns) and co-owners of Afters Ice Cream Scott Nghiem and Andy Nguyen have a few Instagram accounts between them. Instead of pitting them against each other, one of their collaborative accounts, @TryItOrDiet, swoops into the top 10.

  1. Food with Michel

Michel’s account is truly gift from the Instagram gods. All of his images consist of a plain white background yet are somehow always able to illuminate the food at hand to the point of holiness. Whether he’s focusing on an exquisite multi-course meal, or a fat, trendy burger, he has a way of making all his meals look heavenly.

  1. Food Baby NY

If you haven’t heard, Mike Chau and his son Matthew (lovingly known as Food Baby NY) are taking the Big Apple and soon the rest of the country by storm, one nibble at a time. Now that there’s another food baby in the mix named Sam, their account is twice as great. Not going to lie—just a smidge jealous that these kids are eating are eating better than we ever will.

  1. Devour Power

The duo behind Devour Power are doing an excellent job of getting Instagram their regular protein fix. That is, if your idea of a protein fix is mile-high sandwiches, some drippy, juicy meats, and fried finger foods that require napkins by the double-digits. Ohhhh yeeeeeeahhhhh.

  1. Foooodieee

Apparently the username “@foodie” was taken by a no-good Insta-ghost, but Tess of @Foooodie definitely does her handle justice. Her curated pictures of sprinkles/icing/candy/cream-covered everything are going to set your teeth on fire (assuming that’s possible). No complaints though.

  1. Donuts Cookies and Cream

Sweet sweet victory! You won’t be able to take ten seconds of this account without a getting a hankering for sugar-coated everything. Fortunately, the trio that runs DCC makes sure to tag every location.

  1. Daily Food Feed

Peeping Daily Food Feed’s Instagram, you’ll find a colorful assortment of edible items, many of which happen to be trending in food media. Rainbow-encrusted donuts, sprinkly ice cream tacos, red-bunned burgers—Jed of DFF is there for it all, and he makes sure that with each photo, the food subject is practically in your face. Try not to lick your screen.

  1. The Vulgar Chef

The Vulgar Fucking Chef, encouraging us to #eatlikeshit since God knows when, and we’re loving every second of it. The caption says it all—Kyle Marcoux always lets his freak flag fly when it comes to playing with his food, and that’s how we received such delicacies like French Fry Burger Tacos, Mac n Cheese Pulled Pork Cake, and Pizza Meatloaf.  

  1. Dennis the Prescott

 

Sunday night snack time. A photo posted by Dennis The Prescott (@dennistheprescott) on

Yep, all of Dennis’s pictures look this great, even when it’s simply “snack time.” Dennis gives an honest, approachable look at his many culinary indulgences, just go see for yourself. Like, now.    

 

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Hit-Or-Miss

How To Maximize Your Holiday Costco Shopping

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For a bushel of mistletoe, there’s no better destination this holiday season than Costco. With their huge inventory and massive deals, this super store can give you some serious savings as you deck your halls, wrap your presents, and trim your treats. Let’s take a look at some of the best tips for buying some bulk cheer at Costco to make the season bright.

Holiday Hours and Warehouse Hours

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Before we get ahead of ourselves on Yuletide planning, it’s important to know when Costco is a no-go this holiday season. The store is opened on Christmas Eve and the the day before Thanksgiving, but stores close a couple hours early. Thanksgiving and Christmas Day are closed. On the other hand, some Costco Warehouses extend their hours specifically to make your life easier. Make sure to contact your local warehouse for more info, and bear in mind that seasonal weather conditions can also affect store hours.

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Free Costco Cookbooks

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Even while your digesting all that turkey, gravy, and stuffing, it’s never too soon to start thinking about your next holiday meal/gastronomical gauntlet. Costco’s got you covered yet again with a bevy of free cooking guides to give you plenty of ideas for a festive feast. Healthier fare falls under the purview of books like Smart Cooking, while you can get a little more extravagant with Simply Delicious. Either way, you’ll have tons of ideas, plus ways to incorporate affordable Kirkland ingredients.

Trappings

Decorations

Glowing polar bears

If you’re looking for something to keep up with the Jones’s and their electricity-zapping display, then you might want to cruise the Costco aisles. You’ll find everything from life-sized nativities to light-up LED reindeer to create a stunning display. They’ve also got a bevy of indoor decorations, including fresh firs and imitation spruces for your kids to decorate with some Kirkland ornaments. Check out more decorations here.

Gift Giving

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Holiday Gift Baskets

Trying to get something that your family friends will enjoy? Costco has a variety of gift baskets that will suit a wide range of personal styles. Brands like Starbucks, Mrs. Fields and M&M are all in on the bulk giving trend.

Tickets

Maybe, you just want to load your kids in the van and get away from all the pandemonium and insanity of your extended family? Costco has insider deals on tickets that make for a great seasonal get away. Head to a theme park, go on a ski trip, or plan a whole Disney vacation or cruise… the sky’s the limit with Costco as your ticketing partner. Even if you just want to catch a flick on Christmas day!

Toys
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No kid’s going to turn down a trip to D-Land, but you might also want to get your little one’s something they can enjoy again and again. Bicycles, skateboards, building blocks, arts and crafts, big-box ride-in vehicles: Costco has all the toys you need to brighten their spirits and bring a twinkle to their eyes. Excuse me while I go throw up candy canes and Christmas spirit.

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Features

Taste-Test: Ranking the Best Grocery Store Mac and Cheese

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While restaurants around the world trick out macaroni and cheese with truffle oil or dumb it down into hamburger buns, true mac and cheese fanatics know there’s no place quite like home.

The mac that most people remember fondest came from a rectangle box with a powdered flavor packet that should never be tasted on its own, unless you’ve always wanted to ingest a neon orange lump of sodium phosphate. Mac and cheese has come a long way since then, as evidenced by the results of this taste-test of eight top national brands.

This may shake your macaroni and cheese beliefs to their cheesy core.

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The contenders: Velveeta, Kraft (Monsters University edition!), Annie’s, Back to Nature (Crazy Bugs!), Quinoa, Mrs. Leeper’s (…gluten-free), Trader Joe’s, and Whole Foods 365.

Half of the recipes called for added butter, while the rest listed it as optional. But everyone knows when it comes to butter, optional means mandatory. Mmm, a stick in every spoonful!

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Ranking: 8th

Brand: Quinoa Mac & Cheese

Cheesiness: 1 — It doesn’t even taste like cheese, it’s more straight up pasta. It’s as if the macaroni shampooed itself with cheese sauce and washed it off. All that’s left is the smell.

Artificial flavor: 5 — The flavor had hints of paper and sterilizer, but was so neutral that it earned average marks.

Pasta: 3 — The sauce formed to the macaroni, giving it a rough texture that was pretty horrid. It didn’t have an aftertaste; it had an aftertexture.

Overall flavor: 2 — This is an embarrassment and shouldn’t even be called mac and cheese.

Final score: 2.75 — DON’T EAT THIS, EVER.

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Ranking: 7th

Brand: Mrs Leeper’s Gluten-free Mac & Cheese

Cheesiness: 4 — Creamy and full of flavor up front, but with highly diminishing returns. Each bite tastes less cheesy.

Artificial flavor: 6 — Turmeric and paprika do a good job of masking the artificial flavors until the stainless steel aftertaste overpowers them.

Pasta: 1 — Definitely the worst. Their slogan “keeping the taste in and the gluten out” is only technically accurate. It didn’t keep consistency at all. Damn you, rice flour!

Overall flavor: 2 — The fakeness of the pasta took center stage, detracting from a decent cheese flavor.

Final score: 3.25 — GLUTEN, LIKE GREED, IS GOOD. DON’T EAT THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE TO.

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Ranking: 6th

Brand: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Monsters University Edition

Cheesiness: 2 — Not cheesy at all. The sauce doesn’t envelop the macaroni, it just tastes like it’s been dipped in cheese water.

Artificial flavor: 3 — An overwhelming chalkiness that tastes like childhood, though it’s nothing like those knuckle sandwiches you used to eat.

Pasta: 6 — Cute, but you can’t really tell what these are supposed to look like. The added surface area gives it a chewy mouthfeel that helps make up for the lack of creaminess.

Overall flavor: 3 — Mostly water with a hint of cheese.

Final score: 3.5 — THESE DESERVE TO BE IN A WATERY GRAVE, NOT YOUR MOUTH.

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Ranking: 5th

Brand: Trader Joe’s Organic Shells and White Cheddar

Cheesiness: 3 — Although this uses real cheese, it’s lacking in full-bodied flavor and never reaches true creamy heaven. Also, white cheddar mac is the equivalent of Diet Coke.

Artificial flavor: 3 — Surprisingly astringent and harsh given the organic nature. Bitter cardboard aftertaste.

Pasta: 6 — Thicker, higher quality pasta. Nearly hearty enough to be a meal.

Overall flavor: 4 — The pasta is really the main event, but when you do get a rare pocket of pure cheese it makes for a satisfying bite.

Final score: 4 — WORTH EATING IF YOU’RE REALLY INTO SHELLS.

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Ranking: 4th

Brand: Velveeta Shells & Cheese

Cheesiness: 6 — The only non-powdered cheese tested, Velveeta lived up to its reputation for explosive creaminess, making for several blissful bites. Downside: the thicker cheese was quick to harden and overburden the macaroni.

Artificial flavor: 6 — You can taste a bit of the metallic packaging and an overwhelmingly synthetic dairy finish.

Pasta: 3 — Way too flimsy a vessel for such a full-bodied sauce.

Overall flavor: 6 — This is what your childhood tasted like on days when mom splurged at the grocery store.

Final score: 5.25 — ONLY EAT IF YOU’RE INTO HAVING FLASHBACKS.

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Ranking: 3rd

Brand: Whole Foods 365 Macaroni & Cheese

Cheesiness: 4 — Strong mouthfeel with real hints of cheddar, but lacking a creamy spark.

Artificial flavor: 7 — When you exhale (make sure not to wait, à la Angela Bassett), you don’t get that metal feeling. It’s smooth like a nice Merlot.

Pasta: 7 — Soft, enjoyable texture. Lots of give.

Overall flavor: 5 — Solid all around, but lacking that X Factor.

Final score: 5.75 — THE PERFECT MAC FOR THOSE WHOLE FOODS BRAND LOYALISTS.

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Ranking: 2nd

Brand: Annie’s Shells & Real Aged Cheddar

Cheesiness: 7 — The creaminess lights up your mouth. You can really taste the aged cheese, which will ensure this won’t stay on your shelf for long.

Artificial flavor: 8 — There’s a bit of a sour, moldy kick that earns it high points for cheese authenticity.

Pasta: 8 — The shells were just firm enough to support the powerful cheese flavor. Near perfect balance.

Overall flavor: 7 — The real cheese is a game-changer, but some MSG would really take it to the next level.

Final score: 7.5 — ALMOST FLAWLESS CREAMY GOODNESS.

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Ranking: 1st

Brand: Back to Nature Crazy Bugs Macaroni & Cheese Dinner

Cheesiness: 10 — This is what you’re looking for. So creamy and rich, you just want to keep it in your mouth for awhile before chewing. Tastes decadent. You could cover actual bugs in this and we would eat them.

Artificial flavor: 9 — The box proudly boasts no artificial preservatives or flavors. This is like the white whale of mac and cheese.

Pasta: 8 — Even the insect gimmick really works well here, giving the creamy cheese tons of extra pockets to hide in.

Overall flavor: 9 — It’d be easy to walk right past this in the supermarket and think it’s nothing more than a stale, eco-friendly mac alternative that only moms in Lululemon would buy. But think again! This is the total package. Perfect cheese, no harsh taste of science, and a cute-but-functional pasta vessel. The kicker? Proceeds benefit the Nature Conservatory, so your next mac and cheese dinner is basically a charitable donation.

Final score: 9 — THIS MAC AND CHEESE WILL COMPLETE YOU.

Kudos Thrillist

Categories
Features

The 44 Worst People in Every Restaurant

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There’s nothing better than spending a night out to dinner at one of your favorite restaurants, reveling in the food and the service, and those quality after-dinner mints in the little wrappers. Until you run into one of these people:

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The Communal Dining Thief
Did he actually just ask to try my drink? And where are my fries?

The Waitstaff Abuser
Thank you for this terrifying peek into your home life.

The Sad Solo Diner
Man, you didn’t even bring a book? At least pretend to look at something on your phone! I’m getting anxiety for you.

The Ethnic Menu Over-Pronouncer
Do you really think that by calling prosciutto “pra-shoot” that the Italian waiter will go back to the kitchen and regale the chefs with praise-filled stories of the man at table 16? Also, you’re from Wayland, MA.

The Tip Minimizer
Yes, we understand that you could take out the tax, and that you could penalize her because she brought you a lime instead of a lemon for your sparkling water, but maybe just stop being the worst, and give the poor waitress 20% like the rest of us?!?

The Joined-at-the-Hip Couple
So you’re really going to sit on the same side of that booth and feed each other food and make cooing noises the whole time, huh?

The Substituter
“I’d like the salmon, but instead of the corn, can I get the braised cauliflower from the steak dish? And instead of the frisee salad, can I get that appetizer you used to have in the ’90s, but with a different type of aioli? And instead of the salmon, can I get thrown through the plate glass window in the front of restaurant?”

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The Defiant Phone Caller
“No, don’t worry about it, I’m not busy. I’m just sitting at dinner with three other people in a restaurant, so obviously I feel like this is the right time to talk openly and loudly about why divorcing Doug was the best thing I’ve ever done for my sex life. Hold on, I’m getting another call.”

The Gluten-Free Evangelist
Stop giving us murder eyes when we go for the bread basket. No one cares what it’s done for your “energy.”

The Couple with a Baby in a Place Where There Shouldn’t Be One
We salute the fact that you’re not letting a baby get in the way of you living your life, but maybe don’t bring little Brayden to the extremely crowded restaurant opening party, yeah?!? We do like his ironic Ramones tee, though.

The Group Dinner Freeloader
Thank you for ordering a martini when everyone else got beer, and that extra soup that no one else got, and then realizing you were late for something vague, and hoped it was “chill” if you just left $20. #YouMustBeDestroyed

The Perpetual Instagrammer
We get that it’s hard to enjoy food if a) no one knows you’re eating it, and b) it’s not filtered through X-Pro II (or, ugh, Kelvin), but — wait, no, we don’t at all.

The Waitress Pick-Up Artist
Did you just draw a pen15 next to your cell number on the check? Does that really work? Also: do you realize you only tipped 15%?

The Noise-Averse Old People
You do know you came to this restaurant of your own accord, right? And aren’t you supposed to actually hear less as you get older?

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The 18-Way Check Splitters
“We’ll do $39 each apiece these 10 cards, the debit cards are all $20 and we wrote down the pin numbers in alphabetical order, then the remainder is in Canadian dollars, and the steak knife is for you to murder us all when this finally causes you to snap.”

The Business Traveler Who’s Clearly with an Escort
“Excuse me, sir? Would the lady — who you’re clearly paying $2K a night to laugh at your jokes and sort of have her boobs kind of fall out of that very short glittery dress, and then maybe dry hump you on a pillowtop hotel room bed as a Two and a Half Men rerun flickers quietly in the background — prefer sparkling or still?”

The “Party” Table
Lookatuslookatuswerehavingfunlookatuslookatuswefeelsoemptyinside.

The Crazily Underdressed
Just because you were credited on the second season of Laguna Beach as “Jason’s ex-teammate” doesn’t mean it’s cool to wear a tank top to Minetta Tavern.

The Crazily Overdressed
Why yes, it is kind of a money move to wear that tuxedo to the taqueria, as long as you don’t mind people calling you Pennybags and repeatedly asking why you replaced the Iron token with a Cat.

The “Friends” of the Owner
Please tell the server again about how you and “Mario” used to both go to Equinox. I’m sure she’ll comp your apps.

The Eavesdropping Couple
They clearly have nothing left to say to each other. They’ve been silent for 38 minutes! Curse this European seating.

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The Extremely Temperature-Sensitive Girl
“Why is it SO [FREEZING, HOT, UNCOMFORTABLY TEMPERATE] in this restaurant?!?”, she asks, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

The Unsolicited Recommender
I have a deadly shellfish allergy; please stop waving your crab in my face to “tempt” me.

The Guy Who Chokes on His Food and Forces You to Save His Life
Damn your refusal to take smaller bites and our refusal to not be selfless heroes in the face of grave danger.

The Cigarette Break Girl/Guy
It’s cool, you just head outside while I wait in here by myself for the next 20 minutes. I’ve always kind of wanted to see what life was like as Sad Solo Diner.

The Guilt-Tripping Vegan
Is the exact moment I bite into my steak tartare really the time to bring up that expose you just watched on what really happens behind the scenes at slaughterhouses? Doesn’t matter — I’m going to enjoy it even more out of spite.

The Expense Account Flaunter
Did you need to order three entrees, two seafood towers, AND the suckling pig dinner for four? You’re just eating by yourself at the bar!

The Ruiner
Did the words “well done, and please bring ketchup” really just come out of your mouth? That’s a $60 rib eye! The waiter looked like he wanted to cry.

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The Guy Who Always Gets a Burger
Dude, we’re at a Thai place. How is this still happening?!?

The “Industry” Insider
You were a bar back at a Ruby Tuesday’s one Summer in college. Stop telling everyone what it’s like in “the restaurant business.”

The Clandestine Farter
You think you got away with it. But your eyes and that ever-so-slight shift in your seat reveal everything.

The Painfully Awkward Blind Date
You could not be making everyone else more uncomfortable.

The Rejected Marriage Proposal
Okay, YOU could not be making everyone else more uncomfortable.

The Food Waster
There’s, like, three quarters of a rack of lamb on your plate. You seriously aren’t taking that home? Um… can I have it?

The Crowded Restaurant Lingerers
There’s a 2.5-hour wait for a table right now. How long does it take to order an espresso?! Oh God — they just ordered SECOND dessert…

The Sporting Event Checker
Would rather refresh ESPN.com incessantly to get the latest on a baseball game in May than attempt an adult conversation. But now that you’ve done it, what was that Marlins score anyway?

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Afraid-of-Coat-Check Guy
What do you keep in that coat of yours, gold bullion? Rolexes? BUBBLE TAPE?!??

The Table Jockeyer
Sometimes he’s dating the temperature-sensitive girl who can’t be seated near a vent. Sometimes he’s just a dick.

The Habitual Wine Returner
The wine hasn’t even turned. He just likes looking important. Subscribes to Wine Spectator but has never read it.

Nonstop Selfie Girl
Oh I get it, she ordered duck AND she’s making a duckface. #Forkstab

The Desperate-to-Be-Noticed Minor Athlete
Did that major league lacrosse player just slip the owner a signed 8×10?

The Fake Birthday-Havers
Is it really worth compromising your integrity for a one-scoop sundae with a sad birthday candle?

The Nose-Blower
Please just go to the bathroom? And take the clandestine farter with you.

Alan Richman
Because he really is the f**king worst.

Kudos Thrillist

Categories
Features

What Your Sandwich Choice Says About You

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Much like your choice drink at a bar, your sandwich preference can say a lot about the kind of human being you are. What you order at the deli is one of the biggest GMDs (Grown Man Decisions) you’ll face, so we gathered data from countless lunches to bring you a breakdown of what your sandwich choice says about you.

Hint: Drop that vegetarian/salad-in-a-sandwich nonsense before we rip it out of your cold dead hands.

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BLT

You’re a simple gal/guy with simple needs. You know what you like and nobody’s gonna tell you different. Even if that means getting three measly slices of bacon on top of a sad bed of lettuce and tomatoes. You also don’t own a cellphone or use the internet because the NSA ain’t got nothing on you.

Vegetarian

You might be vegetarian, you also might just think that this is the comparable middle-ground of ordering a salad and leaving starved, or ordering a full-blown sandwich and being in a food coma. In the end, you’re still eating a salad in a sandwich.

Flatbread

You first saw flatbreads in a Subway commercial and now you think they’re the shit. You also secretly think they’re “exotic” and are addicted to fruit snacks.

Panini

Panini

You fancy son of a gun. Regular sliced bread is an affront to you, ciabatta and baguettes are the only acceptable ways to eat a sandwich. However, if they arrive  in any way other than lightly toasted, you’re done and will probably flip the table on that poor waiter.

Rueben

You’re at least 50 and smoke two packs of Chesterfields a day. You’re a melancholy fella in an endearing sort of way and own a grizzly old cat named “Jameson.”

cheese-sandwich

Grilled Cheese

You’re convinced grilled cheese is the Pabst beer of sandwiches… So you order it all the damn time in various “artisan” forms, aka Mac n Cheese, Gruyere and Mushrooms, etc. You always wear a bowtie, suspenders and pretend to read Nietzsche while loitering in coffee shops.

Tuna Sandwiches

You run 3 miles every day and afterwards congratulate yourself with a tuna sandwich and a bottle of Gatorade. You know all the mayo and canned tinniness probably packs an ungodly amount of sodium, fat and calories but consider all that “healthy fat” or whatever they call it.

Chicken Sandwich

You’re lowkey trying to be healthy but your parents packed tuna sandwiches in your lunch every day for school. All the kids made fun of you since it smelled like socks and now you’re traumatized.  So you reason that chicken is basically fish that can’t swim and therefore, healthy-ish.

Egg Salad Sandwich

You’re friends with the person who orders vegetarian sandwiches and they’re the type of person who also gets upset when you eat meat around them. You’re a good pal, but know they’re insane, so you order egg salad sandwiches to compensate.

Pastrami

You are a MAN’S MAN MAN and eat all your meals with a shot of whiskey paired with a cigar. You’re known for flipping families off when they give you funny looks. Small animals are terrified of you.

Turkey Club

Turkey Club

You love the outdoors and only wear flannel shirts while scoffing at hipsters and their inferior Urban Outfitters versions. You’re also capable of growing a full beard within 24 hours and are secretly a bear cub.

PB&J

You’re a kid at heart and there’s a Star Wars Lego set stashed far away from the judging eyes of your significant other.

Ham and Cheese

You use words like “bee’s knees” and “neato.” You cut all your sandwiches into petite mini bites and serve them on silver platters when guests come over. You also drink a bottle of wine a day and are known to hog the karaoke machine at parties.
Cheese Steak

Philly Cheesesteak

You like to take long naps during the day while simultaneously eating cheese puffs off the floor. Your boss thinks this is a problem, but you’re too busy watching Everybody Loves Raymond at your cubicle to hear him.

Ice Cream Sandwich

Goddamnit. This is why we can’t have nice things. You’re the awful person who tries to order a cupcake at Italian restaurants.

Photo taken by Peter Pham

Categories
Features

Morbidly Delicious Halloween Food Porn

halloween-candy-porn

It’s never too early to start drooling over holiday foods, especially when it involves desserts. Halloween is all about the sugar, so you know what that means?  Food porn alert.

Whether you want to use up that extra candy or want to create morbidly delicious desserts, there’s a monstrous recipe for you. From candy corn and peanut butter brittle to graveyard parfaits, these creations are bananas, and we need ’em stat.

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Sugary Mummy Cupcakes

Mummy-Cupcakes

Recipe: a pumpkin and a princess

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Orange and Black Cookies and Cream Bars

Halloween Recipe

Recipe: Hungry Happenings

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Cookie Pizza and All the Fixins

Cookie Pizza

Recipe: Pillsbury

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Pumpkin Magic Cake

Halloween Recipe

Recipe: Kitchen Nostalgia

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Count Chocula Donuts

Halloween Recipe

Recipe: The Baking Robot

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Candy Corn S’mores

Halloween Recipe

Recipe: Cake Whiz

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Toothsome Vampire Cookies

toothsome-vampire-cookie-bites

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White Chocolate Popcorn Skull

white-chocolate-popcorn-skull

Recipe: Hungry Happenings

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Chocolate Cupcake with Hidden Cheesecake Pumpkin

Cheesecake-pumpkin-filled-cupcake

Recipe: Hungry Happenings 

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Leftover Halloween Candy Bark

Leftover Candy Bark

Recipe: Papery & Cakery

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Candy Corn Layer Cake

Candy Corn Cake

Recipe: i am baker

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Spooky Chocolate Cups

Chocolate Cups

Recipe: The Pescetarian and the Pig

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Festive Bundt Cake

Halloween Bundt Cake

Recipe: Cooking With Sugar

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Candy Corn and Peanut Butter Brittle “Crack”

Candy Corn Brittle

Recipe: Savy Naturalista

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Graveyard Parfaits

Graveyard Parfaits

Recipe: The Chic Site

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Chex Mix Halloween Style

Halloween Chex Mix

Recipe: Betty Crocker

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Maggot Extraction Cupcakes

maggot-cupcakes-halloween

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Spooky Spider Web Cake

Recipe: Cake Whiz

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White Chocolate Strawberry Ghosts

Recipe: Miss Candiquik

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Candy Apple Monsters

candy-apple-monsters

Recipe: Polka Dot Chair

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Homemade Twix Bars

Recipe: Yammie’s Noshery

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Festive Fudge

Recipe: Crazy For Crust

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Rolo Chocolate Sprinkle Monsters

Recipe: Cake Whiz

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Pumpkin Spiderweb Cheesecake

Recipe: 3 pastries a day

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Halloween Cookie Dough Pops

Recipe: Juanita’s Cocina