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Pickle Candy Canes, White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles and 9 Other Bizarre Food Items That Should be Recalled in 2013

We’re closing in on the end of 2012- and usually this time of year calls for countdown lists galore, where we can take some time to reflect on all the wild/crazy/fun happenings of the last 12 months. So to get in the spirit, we thought we’d take some time to look back at the wackiest food items we’ve featured this year, and then promptly nominate them for a recall. Without further adieu, let the countdown of awfulness commence!

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11. Bird Crap Seasoning

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s a seasoning blend that is meant to “taste great on just about anything!” Surely, it could very well deliver on that promise; but I’d like to know what that marketing team was on when they all sat down and decided ‘Bird Crap’ would be an excellent choice for the name of a food item. Albeit, it does grab your attention, but I don’t think it’s in a good way.

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10. Sriracha Lip Balm

Okay, I realize this isn’t an entirely edible food product, but I was torn between this and Bacon Shaving Cream in the “Ridiculous Novelty Item” category. I don’t know about you, but I know when I’ve been eating something spicy (particularly hot sauce drenched meals), the first thing I do is start screaming “AHHHHHH MY LIPS ARE ON FIRE!!!”. Then I proceed to apply copious amounts of chap stick for the next 24 hours to hopefully undo the damage I’ve caused. There is no amount of Burt’s Bees that will mollify this terrible, terrible idea.

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9. Cracker Jack’d

Dear Cracker Jacks, why are you ruining my childhood? Why can’t you just stick with a good thing and leave well enough alone? I get it, it’s a cut-throat market out there, and you need to stay relevant, and blah blah blah, but seriously? A Cracker Jack snack line that contains caffeine?? For “adults only”?  WTF.  Thanks for leaving my candy-coated popcorn and peanut dreams to die.

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8. Buffalo Wing Soda

Mmmm. Nothing says refreshing thirst quencher like Buffalo Wing Soda! Who on God’s Green Post-Apocalyptic Earth would ever seriously drink this? I will never want my buffalo wings in carbonated liquid form. So please, Lester, stop making this. The bottle may say “Y’all get yer fixins,” but I think y’all need to get your heads checked.

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7. Tabasco Jelly Bellies

For a company that’s been around for over 30 years, offering over 50 flavors of jelly beans, things were bound to get weird. Boy did they ever with Tabasco flavored Jelly Bellies. You could probably only eat a few of these before wanting to pour buffalo wing soda into your eyes.

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6. My Little Pony Pasta

Hey girls, remember My Little Ponies? Remember their beautiful shiny manes that you would spend hours braiding, making them prance about, sniffing their backsides because they were often scented with magic and chocolate? (I’m probably the only one that did that.) Remember dunking them in tomato sauce and biting their heads off in a hungry lunchtime fury? Wait, what? No, that’s not right… AND NEITHER IS THIS PASTA PRODUCT.

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5. Mike’s Hard Chocolate Cherry

Oh Mike’s, we meet again. This time I’m not a sophomore in high school at an unsupervised house party pretending that I can hold liquor, when the most alcohol I had consumed at that point was in my seasonal dose of NyQuil. (Hey, don’t judge, Mike’s Hard Lemonade was a gateway drink.) Instead, it looks as though you have brought forth a “Hard Chocolate Cherry” beverage to consume this holiday season. Much like my 15 year old self, methinks sledding down a carpeted flight of stairs resulting in a sprained ankle and loss of self-respect seems like a better choice than this.

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4. Evil Hot Gummi Bears

Evil and Gummy Bears should never be in the same sentence. Imagine popping one into your mouth, expecting a burst of fruit and delight, when suddenly to your horror an onslaught of hellfire and habanero takes over. Excuse me, but that’s just rude.

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3. Pickle Candy Canes

What can I even say about this? Gather ’round kids! It’s that magical time of year, when Santa Claus comes to spread joy and give presents to good little boys and girls! Nothing says good tidings and cheer like a dill and peppermint hook of terror. Surprise, and Merry Christmas!

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2. Seasonal flavored Pringles

October through December is generally a time for seasonal flavored everything, and Pringles brand is not one to be left behind. Behold! Seasonal flavored Pringles! Don’t be confused, these are not pumpkin/chocolate/cinnamon treats shaped in the iconic form of a Pringle. Oh no, these are ACTUAL potato Pringles sprinkled with the aforementioned flavor combinations. I think I just threw up a little. I’m looking at you, White Chocolate Peppermint.

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1. Flavored Vodka

Listen, I get it- flavored vodka is not a shocking new idea that suddenly appeared this year. Hell, I would never have made it through 2007 without heavy doses of vanilla vodka and Coca Cola, but I think things are getting out of hand here. Suddenly I’m combating the likes of waffle, whipped cream, birthday cake, popcorn, and for the love of all things holy, wasabi-flavored vodkas. Why? Why are we allowing such abominations? What happened to chewing our curious confections? Why are we now guzzling them down with reckless abandon, because Amber Rose tells us so? NO! I say we take a stand and say no to absurdly flavored vodkas in 2013.

Unless of course, you want to make me birthday cake Jello shots.

So kids, that wraps up the 11 food items that should be recalled in 2013. But wait — didn’t we just survive an apocalypse folks? If there’s one thing we learned it’s #YOLO 4lyfe and what the heck, might as well give those White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles a try, right? Right?

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Nacho Cheese Lip Balm

Who’s lip balm is it? Nacho Lip Balm… I swear these phonetic jokes work way better in person. Anyhow, the obvious question surrounding this particular item is “Why?” and, quite frankly, the simple answer is “Because.”

Also, some people would relish the opportunity to have their lips taste like nacho cheese. I mean I wouldn’t, but, like I said, ‘some people.’ Each tube is 2.5″ (6.4 cm) long, with a twist bottom and a nacho-color scheme.

($5 @ Amazon)

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Soda Lip Balm

Fall is in full swing, which means cold dry weather and chapped lips. There’s already a myriad of different ways to fend off dry lips in just as many different flavors ranching from french fries to Spam. Now we can officially add Pepsi brand sodas to that list. Choose from Mountain Dew, Wild Cherry Pepsi and Mountain Dew Code Red.

($2.50 @ ThinkGeek)

 

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Butter Flavored Lip-Balm by Paula Deen

Everyone’s had dry lips at some point. So why not moisten it up with the rich flavor of butter. Television personality Paula Deen suggests that we “Put a little South in your Mouth!” with her new product which can be purchased at her store, Racked. South in your mouth? At a store called “Racked”? Innuendo police, abreast* this woman!

*arrest

via: Grubstreet Photo Credit: Holly Bailey 

 

 

 

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Spam Lip Balm

Rubbing meat on your face is interestingly enough, not completely accepted by society, and in many cases, rather frowned upon. Spam Lip Glaze somehow didn’t get the memo, and this officially licensed Hormel brand product allows you to rub the flavor of meat on your lips without the weird stares normally associated with meat-on-lips.

The 2.75″ stick actually has Aloe in it, along with the following ingredients: petrolatum, mineral oil, ozokerite, beeswax, cocos nucifera (Coconut) oil, flavor, phenyl trimethicone, carthamus tinctorious (safflower) seed oil, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Extract and Tocopheryl Acetate. SPAM lovers, look no further than this lip balm. ($2.99 @ Amazon)

 

 

 

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French Fry Lip Balm

Foodies are a breed of their own, and for some reason, someone on the planet thought it was okay to present to the world a French Fry Lip Balm. Not sure what the ad campaign will be for this fun flavor…traditional lip balm flavors got you down? How but you line your lips with crisp saltiness and grease? Not sure if it rings, but the idea’s one to smile at.

The tube of lip balm tastes like french fries and sits about 2.5″ tall. ($4 @ FredFlare)

 

 

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Vitamin Schtick

Lip care items are now available in your favorite Vitamin Water flavors: Power C (dragonfruit), Multi-V (lemonade), XXX (acai-blueberry-pomegranate), and Focus (kiwi-strawberry).  They come in two forms, a .17 oz roll-on lip gloss with SPF 15, or a .6 oz jumbo lip balm, which has SPF 20.  Each product contains Vitamin E to keep your lips healthy.  ($4.99 for gloss or $6.99 for balm @ Hot Topic)

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Cupcake Lip Balm

With cupcakes all the rage, it shouldn’t come to a surprise that Cupcake Lip Balm is out there. Make your lips delicious for yourself or that someone special. Give me some sugar has a whole new meaning. ($3.99 @ ThinkGeek)