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Culture Hit-Or-Miss Humor

People Think The Krabby Patty’s Secret Was Crab Meat, And It Makes So Much Sense

As funny as it was that Sheldon J. Plankton was always looking for underhanded ways to find out Mr. Krabs’ secret Krabby Patty formula, fans of the show have tried to figure out the mysterious burger recipe just as hard as he did.

There have always been theories, such as the secret ingredient being MSG, and the most popular one being that it’s King Neptune’s Poseidon Powder.

However, the most horrific theory going around makes so much sense.

Making its rounds on Reddit, fans of the show have pointed out that when looking at the rest of the menu, the items are named after what they are made out of, so by that logic, the Krabby Patty’s secret formula involves crab meat.

The answer was in the name all along, and some are calling out Mr. Krabs for killing his own kind. We wouldn’t put it past the sly businessman to cook a crab, and it is rather strange that there are no other crabs in the underwater city of Bikini Bottom.

One Reddit user even said that in the Netherlands, the Krabby Patty is just called the Crab Burger.

Then some have referenced a 2003 episode, where Mr. Krabs takes a bite out of a Krabby Patty and uttered the words, “Hmm, so that’s what I taste like.” Out of context, the clip makes you have a mind blowing moment, but the reason Mr. Krabs said it was because the burger was described by a customer as “old and dried out, like that man (Mr. Krabs) over there.”

Is Mr. Krabs a cannibal? Maybe, but I like the theory that says there is no secret recipe and Mr. Krabs is using a placebo effect. Mr. Krabs’ cheap ass would do something like that, and as a bonus, it drove Plankton nuts.

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Hacks Now Trending Video

Could This Be The Secret Ingredient In Mr. Krabs’ Krabby Patty?

In all of the years that Spongebob Squarepants has been on television, not once has the secret formula to the iconic Krabby Patty been revealed. Tons of theories have popped up as to what it actually is, with a large portion of the Spongebob fanbase believing the formula to be a pinch of “King Neptune’s Poseidon Powder.” Whatever it is, it makes the Krabby Patty taste absolutely delicious.

With those hints in mind, YouTube channel Binging With Babish decided to recreate the staple sandwich of The Krusty Krab with his belief on what the secret ingredients could be. While he does make an educated guess as to the actual source of the ingredient, Babish surmises that a single compound is the true source of the Krabby Patty’s amazing flavor: MSG.

Although this could just be his educated guess, the video reveals the mystical ingredient in a Krabby Patty.

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Hit-Or-Miss Humor Opinion

10 Foods From Television I Desperately Wish Were Real

There are few things in this world that are greater than food, sex and sleep, particularly in that order. Since this isn’t sexbeast or sleepbeast, I figure I can focus on the food. Just as we daydream about having threesomes with celebrities, or how we long for our beds while at work, we also have borderline sexual fantasies about food.

I’ve compiled a collection of the most desirable foods from movies and television that I would sacrifice my firstborn child to taste. In fact, you can have the follow-up children as well, they’re never as good as the first one anyways.

1. Harry Potter – Butterbeer

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Sean, Butterbeer DOES exist! Look, here’s the recipe I found that some lady in Albuquerque named Ruth came up with!” Well, that’s kind of the issue. Butterbeer is described as “a little bit like less-sickly butterscotch.” On top of that, it has some alcoholic content to it, albeit a tiny amount. Still, I scoured the interwebz for a recipe that sounds as close to the description in the book as possible. Alas, they all cover the butterscotch portion but fail to bring the alcoholic factor into the equation. All I really want is to enjoy a sweet, crisp Butterbeer with my friends at the Three Broomsticks, is that so much to ask?

2. James And The Giant Peach – The Peach

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“Ew Sean, all the bugs were walking around in the peach and shitting in it and stuff, what’s wrong with you?” Yes, bugs were walking around in it. But you know what? Those bugs were as humanoid as they come, and if you’re going to have walking, talking, fashion-conscious bugs, will you really have the balls to say, “Get out of my peach“? Furthermore, I’ve seen some of you share ice cream cones with your Rottweilers and shit, you know who you are. Besides, everything is better when it’s bigger, right? Have you ever been floored by a rack of chicken ribs? No you haven’t, liar.

3. Lord Of The Rings – Lembas Bread

Nutritious, delicious, sustaining and long-lasting. What more could you ask for in a simple piece of bread? Created by the Elves of Rivendell and the Woodland Realm, this bread was made to last months without going stale, as long as it stays wrapped in the green mallorn leaves it comes in. This square-shaped pastry was the staple meal for Samwise and Frodo on their long, treacherous journey, giving them just enough strength to make it to Mordor and free humanity from the clutches of that big eyeball guy. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to find a White Castle in Middle Earth. It’s either Lembas bread or the rotting corpse of “filthy orcses.” Your call, hobbits.

4. Spongebob Squarepants – Krabby Patties

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Widely considered the greatest food in Bikini Bottom, this burger has retained its insanely large fanbase ever since sea sponges, crabs, squids and starfish began walking, talking and weightlifting. Invented in his younger days by Mr. Krabs, the money-hungry proprietor of the Krusty Krab, this burger has all the standard ingredients in a burger except for two things: the undersea cheese and the secret formula. Over the years, Spongebob and the Krusty Krab krew have come up with a wide variety of burgers, including the pretty patty, the double triple patty deluxe, the jelly patty, the monster patty and the chopper burger. The recipe for the flabby patty (a patty made to garner friendship between enemies), my personal favorite, is:

  • Four pounds of “grade A love”
  • One tablespoon of “listening”
  • Two tablespoons of “cooperation”
  • Mix ingredients
  • Hold in warm heart

5. Hook – The Lost Boys’ Feast

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I often fondly recall my time as a child, with my vivid imagination running wild and free, like a flying velociraptor that shoots fire and money out of it’s mouth, but not at the same time. In order to really enjoy this feast, you have to BELIEVE. Despite the fact that the only thing I can identify with certainty is the turkey, this scene always made me wish so badly that I could be there for this magnificent feast. I have to believe that the adventurous Christmas music playing during that scene is also part of my desire to partake in the meal, because it gets me really excited. Plus, you KNOW it’s going to turn into one of the most amazing food fights ever. Who wouldn’t want that? Barbarians and funsuckers, that’s who.

6. Friends – Chandler And Rachel’s Cheesecake

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It’s fairly common knowledge that New York Cheesecake is one of the best types of cheesecake you can find, and many would argue that it is in fact the best. So how is one supposed to act when one finds the best New York Cheesecake IN New York!? Like a pair of bloodthirsty savages, of course. That’s how Chandler Bing and Rachel Green acted when the most amazing cheesecake they’ve ever had appeared on their doorstep. After eating the entire thing, the Gods looked down upon them favorably and sent them another cheesecake! They decided to split this one evenly, only both of their pieces ended up on the floor. The reason this cheesecake makes the list is because it was so good that they continued to eat the cheesecake…off the floor. Of course, who else shows up with a fork in hand, ready to join in on the ground grub, other than Joey Tribbiani? This time, Joey DOES share food.

7. Dr. Seuss – Green Eggs And Ham

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“You know what, man? Keep following me around and shit, see what happens. I’m serious, Sam. I will knock your bitchass out right here, right now, fo’ real. I don’t want your green eggs and ham, fuckin’ weirdo. Shit is wack.”

That’s what the exchange in the beloved children’s book Green Eggs and Ham would sound like if it was modernized and dropped the rhyming scheme. Still, this meal (despite its questionable color) has made many a mouth water over the years. What kind of lonely shut-in would say no to sharing a meal with a fox in a box? I’ll tell you one thing, Sam, I would definitely eat them in a house with a mouse. By the end of the book, the guy who hates on them the whole time ends up loving them.

Wait, what? The green eggs and ham are actually green eggs and green ham? I thought they were a metaphor for acid? No? Oh. Ok, never mind, not so into them anymore.

8. Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory – Everything

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This movie, perhaps above all else, is likely the sole reason for at least 80% of children’s cavities in the last 45 years. It was virtually impossible to watch this movie and not crave some sort of candy or chocolate. From the Chocolate River to the Fizzy Lifting Drinks to the Everlasting Gobstopper, the infinite number of things to put in your mouth in this fairy tale factory are overwhelming. In one room in particular, you can eat everything, and I mean everything, from the plants to the rocks to the river. Of course, all of the children suffered gruesome and horrific fates, whether it was drowning, blowing up, shrinking down or being burned alive in a furnace. Still, totes worth it.

9. Popeye The Sailor – Spinach

Considering the number of junk foods that have made it on this list already, it’s understandable that I feel the need to throw in some greenery. Even so, I wouldn’t do y’all dirty like that. Yes, it’s spinach, but not just any spinach. This spinach boasts the ability to make consumers so strong that their muscles begin growing within seconds of ingestion. Popeye’s love for the leafy green vegetable increased profitability in the spinach market (yes, that’s a thing) so much so that four different statues of the animated character were erected around the Unites States. FOUR. That’s five more Popeye statues than there should ever be. Still, if spinach gave people super strength, who WOULDN’T be eating that shit every day?

10. Family Guy – Pawtucket Patriot Ale

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I’m a red-blooded American, and every red-blooded American likes a nice frosty beer every once in a while. Of course, if you’re Peter Griffin, you like a nice frosty Pawtucket Patriot Ale every 20 seconds. The fictional ale, made to look similar to Samuel Adams’ Boston Lager, has been the staple beverage on the show for the last 14 seasons. Peter’s love for the drink is so great, he even begins working at the brewery just to get his fair share of free brews. Some of the wild and adventurous shenanigans that Peter, Brian, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland get into after polishing off a couple of pitchers of the hoppy nectar make me think that the beer has something to do with it. Either that, or Stewie has been lacing their drinks with LSD. Yeah, that’s a thing.

 

 

Photo Credit: Wiskt, YoutubeDaily Mail, Blogspot, Spongebob Wiki, Twitter, Basement Rejects, Clip Art Panda, Gif Mania, The Geeked Gods

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Hit-Or-Miss

These TV Show Foods Aren’t Real, but Our Hunger for Them Is

Have you ever been watching TV and started salivating? And not just from Red Lobster’s commercial with the cheddar bay biscuits (shit gets me every time). Sometimes, our favorite shows feature delicious foods that we will never get to try. Thanks a lot, Willy Wonka, for making me think that technology with the chocolate bar would be available sometime in the near future. IT NEVER HAPPENED. Anyways, I decided to compile a list of the foods that I’m most disappointed I can’t try:

 

Cheesy Blasters from 30 Rock

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“First you take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza…you got cheesy blasters! And then Meat Cat flies away on his skateboard.” Admit it, that combination of ingredients is what dreams are made of. Plus the theme song sounds ridiculously real. I can hear it playing in between episodes of The Bachelor right now.

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A Cornball from Arrested Development

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I bet you thought I was gonna say a banana from the Bluth’s banana stand. Sorry, I’ve had tons of bananas before, and you know what I’ve never had? A cornball. I imagine it being like a hush puppy or the outside of those little Nathan’s hotdog poppers. Basically fried corn and dough aka heaven-on-earth-get-that-in-my-mouth. I’m sure I would burn my hands in the process but it’ll be worth it “every damn time”.

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Rachel’s Traditional English Trifle from Friends

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Sure, this thing sounded totally gross, but didn’t you want to have just a little piece? Were you not the least bit curious? I was! If you get past the sautéed beef, the other 6 ingredients sound pretty damn delicious. Plus, Rachel tried, okay?! She made an effort! Show some respect. She probably gave you your haircut in the 90’s, after all.

Duff Beer from The Simpsons

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Who doesn’t dream of cracking open an ice cold Duff after a long day at work? Apparently, you can actually get your hands on this stuff via Firebox.com (whether it’s exactly like the real thing or not, we’ll never know). Try not to let your college buddy yell at you for choosing Duff over Pawtucket Patriot Ale from Family Guy.

A Krabby Patty from Spongebob Squarepants

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As a kid, all I wanted was to get my hands on a Krabby Patty. Now as an adult, the desire has not waned. Why do they look so tasty? Can I have one with jellyfish jelly? Would they be soggy? I don’t care. I feel like Plankton and all I want is to get that secret recipe. If anyone is down to scuba dive with me to Bikini Bottom, please let me know. Serious inquiries only.

JJ’s Diner Waffles from Parks and Recreation

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JJ’s Diner has the best waffles in the world because JJ’s is located in the best town in the world – Pawnee. They’re fluffy and perfect and they’re served with just the right amount of whipped cream. I’m sorry, I meant to say a mountain* of whipped cream. Leslie-style.

Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls from South Park

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Very hesitant to write a description for this one. Are you going to take it the wrong way and think I’m being sexual? Probably. Whatever – if you say you never wanted to try one of Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls, then you’re a liar. And maybe racist.