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Pickle Candy Canes, White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles and 9 Other Bizarre Food Items That Should be Recalled in 2013

We’re closing in on the end of 2012- and usually this time of year calls for countdown lists galore, where we can take some time to reflect on all the wild/crazy/fun happenings of the last 12 months. So to get in the spirit, we thought we’d take some time to look back at the wackiest food items we’ve featured this year, and then promptly nominate them for a recall. Without further adieu, let the countdown of awfulness commence!

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11. Bird Crap Seasoning

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s a seasoning blend that is meant to “taste great on just about anything!” Surely, it could very well deliver on that promise; but I’d like to know what that marketing team was on when they all sat down and decided ‘Bird Crap’ would be an excellent choice for the name of a food item. Albeit, it does grab your attention, but I don’t think it’s in a good way.

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10. Sriracha Lip Balm

Okay, I realize this isn’t an entirely edible food product, but I was torn between this and Bacon Shaving Cream in the “Ridiculous Novelty Item” category. I don’t know about you, but I know when I’ve been eating something spicy (particularly hot sauce drenched meals), the first thing I do is start screaming “AHHHHHH MY LIPS ARE ON FIRE!!!”. Then I proceed to apply copious amounts of chap stick for the next 24 hours to hopefully undo the damage I’ve caused. There is no amount of Burt’s Bees that will mollify this terrible, terrible idea.

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9. Cracker Jack’d

Dear Cracker Jacks, why are you ruining my childhood? Why can’t you just stick with a good thing and leave well enough alone? I get it, it’s a cut-throat market out there, and you need to stay relevant, and blah blah blah, but seriously? A Cracker Jack snack line that contains caffeine?? For “adults only”?  WTF.  Thanks for leaving my candy-coated popcorn and peanut dreams to die.

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8. Buffalo Wing Soda

Mmmm. Nothing says refreshing thirst quencher like Buffalo Wing Soda! Who on God’s Green Post-Apocalyptic Earth would ever seriously drink this? I will never want my buffalo wings in carbonated liquid form. So please, Lester, stop making this. The bottle may say “Y’all get yer fixins,” but I think y’all need to get your heads checked.

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7. Tabasco Jelly Bellies

For a company that’s been around for over 30 years, offering over 50 flavors of jelly beans, things were bound to get weird. Boy did they ever with Tabasco flavored Jelly Bellies. You could probably only eat a few of these before wanting to pour buffalo wing soda into your eyes.

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6. My Little Pony Pasta

Hey girls, remember My Little Ponies? Remember their beautiful shiny manes that you would spend hours braiding, making them prance about, sniffing their backsides because they were often scented with magic and chocolate? (I’m probably the only one that did that.) Remember dunking them in tomato sauce and biting their heads off in a hungry lunchtime fury? Wait, what? No, that’s not right… AND NEITHER IS THIS PASTA PRODUCT.

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5. Mike’s Hard Chocolate Cherry

Oh Mike’s, we meet again. This time I’m not a sophomore in high school at an unsupervised house party pretending that I can hold liquor, when the most alcohol I had consumed at that point was in my seasonal dose of NyQuil. (Hey, don’t judge, Mike’s Hard Lemonade was a gateway drink.) Instead, it looks as though you have brought forth a “Hard Chocolate Cherry” beverage to consume this holiday season. Much like my 15 year old self, methinks sledding down a carpeted flight of stairs resulting in a sprained ankle and loss of self-respect seems like a better choice than this.

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4. Evil Hot Gummi Bears

Evil and Gummy Bears should never be in the same sentence. Imagine popping one into your mouth, expecting a burst of fruit and delight, when suddenly to your horror an onslaught of hellfire and habanero takes over. Excuse me, but that’s just rude.

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3. Pickle Candy Canes

What can I even say about this? Gather ’round kids! It’s that magical time of year, when Santa Claus comes to spread joy and give presents to good little boys and girls! Nothing says good tidings and cheer like a dill and peppermint hook of terror. Surprise, and Merry Christmas!

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2. Seasonal flavored Pringles

October through December is generally a time for seasonal flavored everything, and Pringles brand is not one to be left behind. Behold! Seasonal flavored Pringles! Don’t be confused, these are not pumpkin/chocolate/cinnamon treats shaped in the iconic form of a Pringle. Oh no, these are ACTUAL potato Pringles sprinkled with the aforementioned flavor combinations. I think I just threw up a little. I’m looking at you, White Chocolate Peppermint.

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1. Flavored Vodka

Listen, I get it- flavored vodka is not a shocking new idea that suddenly appeared this year. Hell, I would never have made it through 2007 without heavy doses of vanilla vodka and Coca Cola, but I think things are getting out of hand here. Suddenly I’m combating the likes of waffle, whipped cream, birthday cake, popcorn, and for the love of all things holy, wasabi-flavored vodkas. Why? Why are we allowing such abominations? What happened to chewing our curious confections? Why are we now guzzling them down with reckless abandon, because Amber Rose tells us so? NO! I say we take a stand and say no to absurdly flavored vodkas in 2013.

Unless of course, you want to make me birthday cake Jello shots.

So kids, that wraps up the 11 food items that should be recalled in 2013. But wait — didn’t we just survive an apocalypse folks? If there’s one thing we learned it’s #YOLO 4lyfe and what the heck, might as well give those White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles a try, right? Right?

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Sweets

Tabasco Jelly Bellies Probably Won’t Go Well With Eggs

Since Jelly Belly first brought Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans into the Muggle world, it’s seemed as if no jelly bean flavor is off limits. But just because “Tabasco” sounds a little less crazy than “vomit” or “booger” or “sardine” doesn’t make it any less fire. (Look ma, I made a funny.)

Partnering with the makers of the 140 year old hot sauce recipe, Jelly Belly has managed to recreate an authentic Tabasco flavor that “will ignite the taste buds with a peppery punch that hot sauce fans crave,” while retaining just a hint of sweetness from the bean itself.

In other words, if you’re anything like me and just appreciate Tabasco for the tongue-pinching kick it offers to your daily breakfast, these new sweet-hot beans probably won’t make an appropriate substitute. But if you just happen to like the taste of spicy Arco gas, have at it.

Tabasco Jelly Bellies are currently available in 10 pound bulk cases for $8.99 to $9.99 per pound, and will be available in 3.1 ounce single servings starting December, $2.49 to $2.99 each.

[Via Candy and Snack Today]

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Sweets

Jelly Belly and Snapple Join Forces

Jelly Belly has teamed with Snapple to release five new jelly beans inspired by the “Best Stuff on Earth.®”

The bean flavors consist of Fruit Punch, Mango Madness, Cranberry Raspberry, Pink Lemonade and Kiwi Strawberry.

This is the perfect way for Jelly Belly fans to get hooked on Snapple drinks, and vice versa.

Available through their online store, there are several size packages including a 3.1-oz. bag, 6.5-oz. bag and 4.5-oz. box, but there is the option of a nifty 1.65-oz. Snapple bottle-shaped container which quite frankly looks cooler than carrying around the standard bag.

The 4.5-oz box goes for $3.50 on the site and for the real Snapple fanatics, the 48-count case goes for $128.99.

Jelly Belly has said the beans are made with real fruit juices and purees, 100 percent natural flavors, and colors from natural sources.

It doesn’t appear that the bottle-shaped containers have Snapple’s famous real facts under the cap, which is kind of a bummer. If you’re going to try to sell the Snapple experience, the flavors are cool, but without the facts, it loses the Snapple feeling.

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Products

Jelly Belly Scented iPhone Cases

What do you to to a phone that already seems to do everything, including help you bury a dead body? You make it smell like jelly beans. Sound reasoning, I know. A part from giving your iPhone a colorful makeover with translucent neon housing, these cases have the added bonus of smelling just like Jelly Belly jelly beans.

(DISCLOSURE: looking at the reviews for this product, it seems the product may not fit perfectly on iPhone 4s cases. We’ve yet to try out a case, but the idea was so novel we wanted to share it with y’all.)

($9.99 @ Amazon/ESI)

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Products

Jelly Belly Scented Bubble Liquid

Remember those specially scented markers from grade school that everyone used to hog whenever it came time to color? I get the same sense of nostalgia when I see these little dudes.

I think that as a kid, you really want everything to smell like candy. It seems that youngins today are one step closer to that dream now by adding bubbles to their list of “stuff that smells like candy” list.

There’s several Jelly Belly scents to choose from including: Very Cherry, Grape Jelly and Green Apple.

($5 @ Vat19)

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Video

Kina Grannis’ New Stop-Motion Video Uses 288,000 Jelly Beans

Who do you think you are Kina Grannis? Just because you’re super talented, cute, bubbly, and a YouTube-bred recording artist, you think you can just make music videos that take 22 months of work, 1,357 man hours, 30 people, two ladders, 1 still camera and 288,000 jelly beans?! Damn, maybe you know who you are.

Grannis’ latest music video for her single In Your Arms does exactly that, proposition the idea of jelly bean art that has become so intriguing and viral on the web and bring to life an exquisitely crafted 3:25-long musical art piece.

Here’s the music video, followed by the behind-the-scenes look at the creation of the video:

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Products

Jelly Belly Crayons

All I needed as a kid was a box of crayons and a little bit of candy to keep me going, and I could color for hours. These Jelly Belly Crayons have got it all: bright colors, delicious jelly beans, and a real crayon tip that you can actually use to color.  You can continue to refill the adorable crayon-shaped container long after the initial beans have been devoured.  The crayons are six inches tall, and come filled with one of your favorite Jelly Belly flavors.  Choose from Berry Blue, Cotton Candy, Green Apple, Sour Orange, and Very Cherry.  ($2.95 each @ Neatoshop)

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Sweets

Harry Potter Portrait Made of Jelly Belly Beans

With Harry Potter mania in full swing, it’s only proper the brand who releases purposely foul flavors of their candy pay homage to the hero wizard with a full mural created entirely of Jelly Belly beans. While the flavors in the Harry Potter series of jelly bean candies aren’t something to smile about (they have flavors like Sausage and Rotten Egg Bertie Botts, Dirt, Grass, Vomit), the attention to detail in this piece of candy art certainly is smile-worthy.

In honor of the release of the blockbuster film, Jelly Belly commissioned artist Kristen Cumings of Martinez, CA to create the portrait from roughly 14,000 Jelly Belly beans. Here’s the result: