‘Twinkie Apocalypse’ – How We Killed the Twinkie

So Hostess Brands, the makers of your cherished Twinkies, Ho Hos and Sno Balls, finally went under today. Sadface. But while nearly every other news source is posting up quick DIY Twinkie recipes to help you prep for the impending Twink-pocalypse, we’ve gotta be real for a second. None of you liked Twinkies all that much anyway.

Sure, there’s a Twinkie Facebook page, and yeah, there was Woody Harrelson’s character in Zombieland, but when was the last time you – yeah, you – went out and picked up a pack yourself?

Now before we get too crazy, let me just say this – I don’t blame you. Really, I don’t. Since before the turn of the century, we’ve all had the Atkins and South Beaches and Shaun T’s breathing down our backs, judging us as we peruse the snack aisles of our local 7-11s. And at 300 calories a pack and $1.50ish for two, Twinkies didn’t do much to help themselves survive, either. But the fact nevertheless is this: we did this to ourselves. We, as a collective Super Size Me, P90X, burst-housing-bubble society, effectively killed the Twinkie. Thanks a lot Jared.

As it stands, there is still a chance that someone – anyone – could buy out all of Hostess’s properties and rebuild the packaged pastry giant from scratch , but unless they make a conscious effort to health-ify their products (and really, who would want a “healthy” Twinkie?), chances are it wouldn’t help much.

The way I see it though, all this fuss is just a case of not knowing what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. Kinda the same way everyone started wearing Michael Jackson shirts a few summers back. But let’s not beat a dead horse, and let’s certainly not pay $5000 for a single freaking Twinkie. After all, Twinkies had a good run, but this death has been long-a-coming, even before their Chapter 11 bankruptcy, even before the worker’s strike. So go ahead, make your DIY vanilla crème sponge cakes. Hoard all the grocery store packs you can find. Just don’t pretend you didn’t see this coming.