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Features

My 7 Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad First Date Meals

1st-date-food-experiences

Maybe you’ve eaten one or more of the foods on this list during a first date and not only have you lived to tell the tale, you’re now happily married. To you I say: Liar! Just kidding. Still, I can only speak from personal experience—take my advice or leave it on the curb like a forgotten Styrofoam take-out container—avoid the following foods on a first date at all costs. Why? Oh I’ll tell you why, in excruciating detail.

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Ramen

ramen-dog

Have you ever tried eating ramen gracefully? It defies utensils—spoon, fork, chopsticks—okay, maybe chopsticks are what you’re supposed to use, but how the hell am I supposed to know that? Also, the fantasy I had for this date regarding Lady and Tramp style noodle sucking is much harder when scalding hot broth is spilling onto your lap and the laps of those nearby. Also, this person did not find it funny when I put the chopsticks under my top lip and called myself a walrus.

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Specialty Sushi

Impress a date by how adventurous you are. Not only will you eat sushi, you will eat raw sushi, and not only will you eat raw sushi, you will eat something called the Tuna Volcano Salmon Colossal Fucked Up Mess, and just try fitting that little number into your mouth in one fell swoop. Go ahead, try. It’s a choking hazard to say the least, and if a man makes that joke, you should also leave immediately.

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Gourmet Burger

gourmet-burger-tower

First of all, this burger was the height of a West Hollywood apartment complex and twice as thick. The person who took me on this date could have been named Dude Bro, so psyched was he for his “totally stacked artisanal” burger. Avocado, onion rings, mushrooms, fried egg, rat-tails, bottle of Jack Daniels—you name it. He loved it. Meanwhile, the yolk of the fried egg ran down his face and onto the table and soaked any of the date’s remaining potential. I distinctly remember him asking, “Do I have something on my face?” Yes, yes you do.

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Homemade Spicy Hot Sauce

The fact that I even set foot in this person’s apartment is a disturbing feat in itself. He referred to the hot sauce as “one of his concoctions” which he “whipped up” just for me. Where did he find the spices or peppers or recipe? Don’t worry. He made them up! It’s just trial and error—just a little experimentation. Sound familiar? Probably because it’s from an episode of Law and Order SVU, right before an unsuspecting woman tries the hot sauce that dooms her to a life of sexual servitude. The only thing burning that night were my legs as I ran away.

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Fried Chicken

fried-chicken

Disturbing for the man on this date only because of how much I ate. “Wow you really have an appetite” is the last thing I remember him saying.

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Crab in a Bag

This actually involved an entire crab in a plastic bag filled with butter and Cajun seasoning. The point of the date, I guess, is for you to gaze into one another’s eyes while savagely breaking open the shell of this recently live animal with only a very small tool and your bare hands. It’s so strenuous I was sweating like a pig for slaughter by the time I finished, and my fingertips were bloody from the crab’s razor-sharp claws. They do have an endless supply of moist towelettes, of which my date insisted on taking extra home for himself “just in case.” I knew immediately, while drying my sopping brow, only a psychopath takes a person here for a first date.

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Gyro

gyro

This is a bad choice only because I can’t pronounce it. I was on edge during this entire date, afraid to say it wrong and expose myself for the inbreed I really am—geero, hyro, gary-o, or some permutation, no matter how many times I heard him say it first. Honestly, I can’t remember a thing this person said on the date, because I was too concentrated on what this glorified sandwich prefers to be called. I will eat this in private, however, and I’ll call it whatever I want.

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Don’t forget—a bad date with the right person is never bad. In other words, you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person, unless you grossly mispronounce gyro. My best advice: try to order a steak, something easily consumed with a knife and fork, or whatever utensil you can use least embarrassingly.

Categories
Cravings

Gyro Breakfast Burrito

Gyro Breakfast Burrito — we were just as jaw-dropped as you might be when web developer Tommy surprised the office with these badboys yesterday morning. A product of Mission Viejo, CA’s Surfin Souvlaki Greek restaurant, this oversized breakfast burrito features eggs, potato, bacon, cheddar cheese, and salsa with gyro meat lacing the badboy from end-to-end.

Pictured above (the half on the right is not the same burrito, nor is it from the same restaurant), you get a great view of how large the burrito truly is. The killer combo is lacing the burrito with the included tzatziki sauce, but mixing in a bit of red salsa from the taco shop next door.

If you’re in the Orange County / Southern California area, it’s well worth a visit to this spot. Breakfast is served all day:

Surfin Souvlaki
949-365-0550
28171 Marguerite Parkway
Mission Viejo, CA 92692

 

Categories
Adventures

DRUNKBEAST: Orange Street Fair 2010 Night 2

Once again, you know I had to head back over to the Annual Orange International Street Fair, this time to really get my eat on. I picked up Victor (VictorYaniePhotography) and cruised back to the Orange circle. Parking sucked of course, considering it was Saturday and there was twice as many people. Victor was determined to get his DRUNKBEAST on, which you can definitely witness after the jump.

Categories
Cravings

Craving: The Big Fat Ugly Sandwich

bigsandwich2

This sandwich looked so terribly disgusting and delicious when I came across it that I actually laughed out loud in a mix of infatuation and disgust. It made me so curiously disgusted yet I was utterly starving for a bite…or two…or the entire thing. What we’re looking at is a$ 25 dollar sandwich from the Fat Sandwich Company utilizing layers of our favorite restaurant dishes and appetizers. To be specific, the sandwich comes stacked with four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken, nuggets, mac n’ cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, American cheese, mayo and ketchup on two by-now-soggy rolls. Apparently if you have the stomach for this entire thing, you get the meal on the house plus an Ugly t-shirt. Sounds like a fair trade for a triple bypass surgery. I mean, come on, the shirt is 100% cotton. (Thx ZeeferMadness)

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Hit-Or-Miss

Gyro x Mang x Wholesome Choice Irvine

Every day I seem to be introducing you to some face within my conservative list of friends. Apart from my mother, here’s another friend that is never shy when it comes to grub. This is Mang and his journey to indlulge in a Chicken Gyro Wrap from Wholesome Choice.

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Cravings

Craving: Lambboat Sandwich

Bread, crispy fried lamb, crunchy fried onions, pickles, lettuce, red cabbage, mayonnaise-based Hlölli sauce. Nice alternative to the fatty gyros I’ve become accustomed to here in So. Cal. I’m starving. (Thx SeriousEats)

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Cravings

Craving: Gyros

I can’t remember the last gyro I ate, but I’m craving one right now! The greasier the better. The best part about this sandwich, is the ongoing debate on its pronunciation. Infact, even within the Foodbeast crew there is debate. Regardless of how it’s pronounced, I’m craving one right now. I’m craving the warm flat bread, the melt-in-your-mouth meat, the thin slices of tomato, the creamy cucumber sauce. (Thx NYSOM)

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Cravings

Craving: Turkish Kebab Pizza

Looks like someone took the innards of a respectable Gyro and heaved them ontop a pizza. I guess I’ll have to give it a try pretty soon! (Thx Seepeoh)