Mother’s Day is a toughie for us men. According to our female counterparts, there are plenty of time-tested gifts to get those special mothers in our life…but very rarely do we have an organized list of things not to get.
I hate to be that pessimistic guide who provides ten problems with zero solutions, but that’s where we’re at. For all the men out there, avoid the following “gifts.” For all the wonderful ladies and mothers out there, feel free to chime in on what you hate to receive on Mother’s Day.
Without further ado, here are the 10 worst food-related gifts you could give your mom on Mother’s Day:
1. Food Processor
If there’s a quicker way to get your mom to grumble “my kid is a f–king moron” under her breath, it’s to gift her something like a food processor. Even if it’s some bourgeois Cuisinart type technology, your mother could probably care less.
Don’t be a dick. Reminding your mom about one of the most mundane processes in the kitchen is a quick way get her asking for the gift receipt. Gift receipt? Yeah, that’s the thing you opted against because you wanted the hottie cashier in Macy’s Home department to think you were buying this well-reviewed machine for yourself. You know, all those kitchen adventures you go on — but your mom actually goes on for you.
Save yourself the 100 bucks and just give her cash. If it’s her money you’re spending, just fold the Benjamin into a pretty origami heart and Sharpee a cute message on it.
2. Everything fat free, low-fat or Weight Watchers related
Your mom may have a beautiful, trim and exquisite masterpiece of a silhouette, but never, ever gift her something that could make her think otherwise. Fat Free Ranch? No. Weight Watchers point scale? Nope, not today, not ever. Fat free items are meant to be purchased by the person that will consume them, not as a gift. Gifts are supposed to be fatty, indulgent and make the recipient guilty about eating its entirety in one sitting.
3. “Cooking Mama: Cook Off,” that silly video game for the Nintendo Wii
First off, if your mom has a Wii that she plays consistently enough for you to consider getting her a video game, don’t get her Cooking Mama: Cook Off. Get her something cool, like the new Legend of Zelda game, or even better, a bouquet of roses.
Video game website IGN gave the game a “mediocre” review of 5.8 out of 10, because frankly, if your mom wanted to cook, why would she want to do it outside of the kitchen? What are you, camping? Plus, if your mom happens to be a tech snob, she’ll be bleeding from the eyes at the lack of full HD support and the overall low-res food action.
4. Don’t take your mom to get Free Wings at Hooters
The deal sounds good, in theory. This Mother’s Day, participating Hooters restaurants are gifting ladies with 10 free boneless wings on Sunday, May 13th. While 10 free wings sounds nice, if your mom is anything like mine, taking her to Hooters is akin to inviting me to go bra shopping with her at Victoria’s Secret.
Unless you’re that boobie-sucking 4-year old on the cover of this week’s Time magazine, you don’t like bra shopping with your mom at Victoria’s secret.
5. No strip club buffets (or champagne brunches)
Seriously, it doesn’t matter if the place has an exemplary 3-star rating on Yelp, your mom is not going to like it. If you want dinner and a show, you can gift your mom #6 on this list while at the dinner table on Sunday.
6. Handsfree Breast Pump
Yeah, you might have that nostalgic hankering for some authentic breast milk over those dry Corn Flakes in the morning, but find another source. Regardless of how forward and progressive your household is, unless you have a toddler running around, there’s no excuse for a grown man to put his mother through the breast milk ringer unnecessarily.
But, if you want to try your luck, this $34 option comes well reviewed. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.
7. “World’s Greatest Mom” Mug
You seen one, you’ve seen ’em all. This is a terrible gift idea, it doesn’t hang off the fridge well, and it doesn’t double as a plant vase. 95% of moms will tell you it’s useless, the other 5% will be lying to save your feelings. No. No, and maybe no.
8. Whiskey-flavored lube, or any lube for that matter
Save the lube for another comical holiday, like Father’s Day, or your frat brother Keith’s bachelor party.
Don’t justify the purchase because your mom is “one of those cool moms who likes whiskey on occasion.” It’s called Whiskey Dick, and it’s a personal lubricant, and you don’t want your mom anywhere near it.
In fact, you don’t want your mom to even know it exists. I apologize in advance for all the terrible images that are inevitably floating around in your head because of this.
9. Cutest Pair of Dish Washing Gloves in the World
It doesn’t matter that these are $10 “Glamour Gloves,” your mom will think about all the dishes you just populated the sink with, and forget that she ever loved you. No amount of pink/green combos with flowery accents will save you from your mother’s wrath on this gift.
Unless you plan to use them the entire weekend to keep your manly manicure for being destroyed, I don’t recommend these gloves.
10. Coupon for Home Cooked Meals, Chores, or anything stupid like that
For a five-year old, this is the best gift ever. Your mother will never have the heart to cash it in, and chances are, she may even shed a tear or two from how “cute” the coupon is.
Unfortunately, the cuteness factor of a man with chest hair coughing up a coupon for a “home cooked meal” is simply not there. Unless you’re an exemplary cook, your mom wants you nowhere near the kitchen making a subpar grilled cheese sandwich.
In fact, most boneheads who offer up a coupon are devilishly clued in to the fact that 99% of these coupons never get redeemed. If you were a true man (which I’m not, I have a stack of these coupons ready to go for this Sunday), you would have that meal ready when she wakes up and the house cleaned before she even gets out of bed.
If that’s too much work for you, feel free to print out the coupon above, it’s all yours. If your mom tries to redeem it a few months down the line, tell her to scan the barcode. It’s an expired Chili’s coupon, you’re not legally bound to anything.