From a young age, we begin to keep things from our parents. Broken vases, bad report cards, and, eventually, our first bottle of cheap, rubbing alcohol vodka. Adulthood brings us certain rights, but kicks us out of bars because we’re not 21. By the time we reach our coveted 21st birthday, there’s such a pent up desire for legally sanctioned alcohol poisoning, we set out to live the most dangerous year(s) of our lives.
Whether you’re a novice or a veteran, your new parents are security guards and bouncers. Modern screening processes require an upgrade from the shoebox under your bed. In no particular order (because the flask chooses you), here are 7 of the most ridiculous, functional flasks your money can buy:
The Glask is a baseball glove that accommodates an eight-ounce disposable pouch. Though you might feel ridiculous reenacting this photo, take solace in the creators’ business acumen that will have you buying packs of disposable pouches until it corrupts your love of baseball.
This flask also has limited uses, but if you want to try to take it to a nightclub, no one’s stopping you.
Cost: $35.99 (+$5 after each three uses)
Get it: Glask
If you like to drink in the woods and prefer not getting lost, the Flasklight should be your best friend. Not your actual best friend who will hold your hair while you puke on an 80-year-old tree, but the one with a cap that doubles as a compass and a battery powered flashlight in the base. It holds 10 ounces of alcohol while housing two collapsible shot glasses and a bottle opener in a secret compartment.
It looks like a water bottle, but “FLASK” is printed on the side, so you should consider some kind of sticker if you try to make it more suited to your urban needs.
Cost: $55 Pre-order; $65 Regular Price
Get it: VSSL Gear
This patented Cynthia Rowley accessory has a nautical chicness to it that doesn’t make up for high price tag. Each bangle only holds three ounces and is made from stainless steel. Patent be damned, a similar bracelet with lower capacity is available at Urban Outfitters for a small fraction of the cost.
Cost: $225; $365 24k Gold Plated
Get it: Cynthia Rowley
Golf is a loooonnnggg game and no one knows that better than the fine folks at Drink Caddy. Thermally insulated and boasting a 1.6 liter capacity, this flask is the most inconspicuous (assuming you don’t have extremely high-end golf clubs). A less attractive putter version holds marginally less alcohol, but both types are battery-operated dispensers.
Cost: $99 Driver; $69 Putter
Get it: Drink Caddie, Brookstone, and Hammacher Schlemmer
From the guys who brought you iFlask comes a larger, somehow less streamlined gadget flask. While it won’t pass as an iPad up close, the StashPad looks like a generic tablet and holds 12 ounces as well as a compartment for “cigars.”
Cost: $39.95 Retail; $19 Kickstarter
Get it: StashPad’s Kickstarter
Everyone has that one friend who takes a book with them everywhere. Now, you can seem intellectual and diffident with this old-fashioned flask concealed in a fake copy of Sherlock Holmes. You can also get what looks like a complete anthology of Edgar Allen Poe stories. Neither book has actual words on their pages, so relax bibliophiles.
Cost: $34.95 Retail; $28.95 Pre-Order
Get it: Bender Bound
Okay, this is not a flask. The Drinking Jacket is for all the die-hard alcoholics who want to be comfortable and have excessively deep pockets (literally). The people who want this jacket already have a traditional flask, need room for beer, and desperately want to open bottles with their zipper.
Get it: Missing Ink Shop/Zane Lamprey