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5 Reasons to Take Your Tinder Date to Costco

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If you’re fearing another “Netflix and chill”-style Tinder date, you might want to up your game a little bit. But getting creative doesn’t need to be costly, and amateur Casanovas should muster up the chutzpah to ask their dates to Costco. Before you scoff, Costco can be both a spendthrift’s wet dream and a sneakily impressive first date. Put on some comfortable shoes and get ready for a meander to remember.

 

Free Samples

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Having a snack attack? Not very likely at Costco, since you’ll have plenty of opportunities to taste bagel bun hot dogs, Kirkland cheese, or red snapper. The free sample tables make it easy to get your munch on without breaking your stride.

 

Dinner for Two Costs $10

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If you don’t get your fill of the free stuff, head over to their dining section with prices that are too awesome to avoid. You can get four hot dogs (and a very gassy date) for around $10. Or split one of their pizzas on your way out and discuss your favorite toppings.

 

Packed with Conversation Starters

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Why would someone need that many ear plugs? What’s the most powerful vacuum cleaner at the store? Who do these children belong to and why are they everywhere? Search for these answers and countless more as you get lost in the superstore. Plus, these talking points keep the conversation perpetually unpredictable, so you don’t have to fall back on scintillating topics like the weather.

 

Show Your Date How Thrifty You Are

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Saying, “that’s a great price on quinoa” demonstrates: A) You know what quinoa is in the first place. B) You’re aware of the quinoa market in general. C) You are a budget conscious individual who will not blow shared income by purchasing too much quinoa at a terrible price. Who wouldn’t be impressed?

 

Tons of Aisles to Explore (Hide and Go Seek)

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If you’ve got a playful date, then a game might be in order. Have you or your date hide somewhere in the store then text an “I spy…” style clue. By the time you find him or her, you’ll also find the carefree love of your life. Conversely, you could also just run out of the store without saying an awkward goodbye if your date’s a dud.

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7 First Date Dinner Tips That Will Land You A Second

With the plethora of dating apps that are available nowadays, the number of first dates people can go on now seems infinite. With that same token, because meeting new potential lovers is so easy now, standards have been raised, resulting in a lot of first dates and only a few second dates.

I can’t help you with your personality, if you suck then you suck. However, the food you eat and the way you eat it is something that can be helped.

Don’t Stuff Yourself

You would think this is common knowledge, but I can tell you right now, I’ve broken this rule once or twice and paid the price for it. Nobody wants to go home with the guy that’s rolling around on the restaurant floor, grunting and moaning like a beached whale trying to shimmy back into the water. Unless she’s rolling around on the floor with you. In that case, you may have just found the exception to the rule, grab her hand and put a ring on it. Preferably an onion ring.

Be Willing To Share Your Food

Guys, if you’re anything like me, you don’t want to share your food. At this early stage in the relationship though, you need to be OK with it. There will be plenty of times in the future where you can ban your girl from coming near your plate, even use the items on the table as a makeshift barrier to keep her and her intrusive fork out of your no-try zone. Try to offer a bite of your food. More often than not, your date will politely decline, but she will remember that you offered, and that could go a long way.

Avoid Greens That Will Get Stuck In Your Teeth

Things like arugula and spinach could cause obnoxious trouble, since they can stick to your teeth when they’re steamed or drenched in dressing, kind of like how wet toilet paper sticks to the side of the toilet at your favorite dive bar. Things in most salads like iceberg lettuce and cucumbers won’t cause any trouble, since the crunchy texture makes them more difficult to hide in your mouth.

Sidenote: While they aren’t one of the leafy vegetables, other foods that teeth use as clothing are small seeds, peanut skins, popcorn, fruit skins, celery and stringy meats.

Stay Away From Sea Creatures With Shells

There’s a girl out there living her life without me in it because I ordered crab legs on our first date and squirted crab juices directly into her eye, from four feet away. She was sweet enough to laugh it off and finish the date, but the sight of me crushing legs and sending shards of shell flying all over the place likely didn’t help my cause. That image doesn’t induce sexual desires, I assure you.

While we’re on the subject, try to avoid sucking down oysters as well. While they can be a powerful aphrodisiac, the sound and image of slurping it down alone is enough to turn a lot of people off.

Messy Finger Foods

I love ribs and wings as much as the next red-blooded American, but girls don’t really resonate with guys whose faces are slathered in barbecue or hot sauce. Remember, if you play your cards right, she’ll be making out with you later. Do you really want to kiss her and have her get a taste of the leftover Frank’s Hot Sauce in your mouth? And to take it a step further, on your fingers? Think about it. In fact, try to avoid finger foods altogether. Women are turned on by refined men who are polite and have manners, throttling chicken fingers with a kung fu grip may not necessarily hurt your cause, but it certainly won’t help either.

Things That Make You Go “Pfffffttttt”

Hold it in! Farting due to stress or nervousness is a fairly universal issue with humans. Since your anxiety already might cause some bubbling in your stomach, it’s best to avoid foods that can double up on that methane output, such as beans, cabbage, garlic, broccoli, turnips and the majority of dairy products. While they may not make you gassy right then and there at dinner, they certainly will at a later time that might be ridiculously inconvenient for you, if you catch my drift. Thankfully I have no harrowing experiences with this, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’ve cut it pretty close before (pun intended).

Pick A Regular Spot

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Going out to a cool new place could be fun, especially if it’s a place neither of you have been to before. Jumping into a mystery together can certainly be great a way to bond. Despite all of this, you should still avoid going to a new spot on the first date. It’s a dangerous game to play, especially if you or your date have any dietary restrictions or specific eating habits based on ethical or religious reasons, something you might not even know until it’s too late and you’re sitting at Lucille’s Barbecue with a vegan.

Follow these rules and you should be in good shape for your second date. Just don’t ask me what to do for those, that’s a completely different ball game.

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My 7 Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad First Date Meals

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Maybe you’ve eaten one or more of the foods on this list during a first date and not only have you lived to tell the tale, you’re now happily married. To you I say: Liar! Just kidding. Still, I can only speak from personal experience—take my advice or leave it on the curb like a forgotten Styrofoam take-out container—avoid the following foods on a first date at all costs. Why? Oh I’ll tell you why, in excruciating detail.

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Ramen

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Have you ever tried eating ramen gracefully? It defies utensils—spoon, fork, chopsticks—okay, maybe chopsticks are what you’re supposed to use, but how the hell am I supposed to know that? Also, the fantasy I had for this date regarding Lady and Tramp style noodle sucking is much harder when scalding hot broth is spilling onto your lap and the laps of those nearby. Also, this person did not find it funny when I put the chopsticks under my top lip and called myself a walrus.

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Specialty Sushi

Impress a date by how adventurous you are. Not only will you eat sushi, you will eat raw sushi, and not only will you eat raw sushi, you will eat something called the Tuna Volcano Salmon Colossal Fucked Up Mess, and just try fitting that little number into your mouth in one fell swoop. Go ahead, try. It’s a choking hazard to say the least, and if a man makes that joke, you should also leave immediately.

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Gourmet Burger

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First of all, this burger was the height of a West Hollywood apartment complex and twice as thick. The person who took me on this date could have been named Dude Bro, so psyched was he for his “totally stacked artisanal” burger. Avocado, onion rings, mushrooms, fried egg, rat-tails, bottle of Jack Daniels—you name it. He loved it. Meanwhile, the yolk of the fried egg ran down his face and onto the table and soaked any of the date’s remaining potential. I distinctly remember him asking, “Do I have something on my face?” Yes, yes you do.

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Homemade Spicy Hot Sauce

The fact that I even set foot in this person’s apartment is a disturbing feat in itself. He referred to the hot sauce as “one of his concoctions” which he “whipped up” just for me. Where did he find the spices or peppers or recipe? Don’t worry. He made them up! It’s just trial and error—just a little experimentation. Sound familiar? Probably because it’s from an episode of Law and Order SVU, right before an unsuspecting woman tries the hot sauce that dooms her to a life of sexual servitude. The only thing burning that night were my legs as I ran away.

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Fried Chicken

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Disturbing for the man on this date only because of how much I ate. “Wow you really have an appetite” is the last thing I remember him saying.

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Crab in a Bag

This actually involved an entire crab in a plastic bag filled with butter and Cajun seasoning. The point of the date, I guess, is for you to gaze into one another’s eyes while savagely breaking open the shell of this recently live animal with only a very small tool and your bare hands. It’s so strenuous I was sweating like a pig for slaughter by the time I finished, and my fingertips were bloody from the crab’s razor-sharp claws. They do have an endless supply of moist towelettes, of which my date insisted on taking extra home for himself “just in case.” I knew immediately, while drying my sopping brow, only a psychopath takes a person here for a first date.

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Gyro

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This is a bad choice only because I can’t pronounce it. I was on edge during this entire date, afraid to say it wrong and expose myself for the inbreed I really am—geero, hyro, gary-o, or some permutation, no matter how many times I heard him say it first. Honestly, I can’t remember a thing this person said on the date, because I was too concentrated on what this glorified sandwich prefers to be called. I will eat this in private, however, and I’ll call it whatever I want.

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Don’t forget—a bad date with the right person is never bad. In other words, you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person, unless you grossly mispronounce gyro. My best advice: try to order a steak, something easily consumed with a knife and fork, or whatever utensil you can use least embarrassingly.