So, you want to drink like a lady or gentleman, but you’ve got the wallet of a boxcar rider. It’s a stunning challenge to close the gap of being broke with good taste. Fret not, though, because here are a few easy ways to do it.
1. Age cheap whiskey yourself (in a single day).
You know enough about whiskey to be sure that time is a necessary ingredient, at least if you want the good stuff. That’s what it comes down to, really. The reason you—when you’re feeling frisky—choose the good stuff is because you want to experience that sweet and smooth-tasting delicacy of time. But you can actually create the taste of a three-year aged whiskey after only 24 hours with Time & Oak’s slatted Whiskey Elements, as it speeds up the filtering of bad chemicals in a big way.
2. Filter your cheap vodka.
Take that bottle of cheap vodka, the kind that smells like it should be used to refurbish an old garden loveseat, and pour it through a Brita Water Filter several times. Let it chill, and suddenly you’ll have some smooth-as-supermodel-skin vodka that’ll taste like you belong in a slow-mo stroll through a nightclub.
3. Speed up your cheap wine’s fermentation process.
A simple badge from Elevie will enhance your bold reds, dry whites, and rosés like crazy, tricking anyone in the book club into thinking you’ve gone above and beyond with your spend. It goes down by the badge absorbing energy waves and emitting them as condensed infrared, which then stimulates the wine molecules—such as acid, phenols, and sugar—to crash and bump into each other way faster.
4. Make a cheap gin bucket.
It doesn’t take much to transform gin. Cut up a score of citrusy fruits—talkin’ lemons, limes, and oranges here—and let them soak in a bucket of soda (Sprite or Squirt) and as cheap of gin as you want. Welcome to the most refreshing addition to any box social and the fastest way to get blackout drunk in front of your friends.
5. Infuse your cheap rum.
Rum will soak up your delightful choices and give you a better offering, as long as you don’t go overboard. This could be a cinnamon stick or a vanilla bean. It could be a handful of charred oak cubes or a clove, or maybe some tablespoons of coconut flakes and a few dried fruits. It’s up to you. Fill a mason jar with the rum and natural ingredients you’ve added, close it up, leave out in the sun for a few weeks, and then drink away your problems like the fun lil’ drunk pirate hippie you’ve become!