Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Dive Bar Owner Writes An Epic Comeback To A Yelper’s 1-Star Review

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The owner of The Iron Horse Bar and Restaurant in New York City recently wrote out an eloquent letter to a 1-star Yelper to teach them an important lesson about dive bars — don’t go to them if you are really looking for a quiet place and fancy food.

ALSO READ: Watch Popular Chefs Read Their 1-Star Yelp Reviews

The reviewer, “Megan B.”, wrote a negative review of The Iron Horse after her visit for a “quiet drink”. At a dive bar. At 3:00 in the afternoon.

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The bar’s owner, “Zbigniew S.”, decided to defend his establishment while pointing out that clearly, based on Megan B’s past Yelp reviews, The Iron Horse was not the elegant and quiet establishment she is so used to.

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Zbigniew S’s ended his response with a sly invitation for a drink — which is pretty much all anyone should expect a dive bar for providing without fail.

Written by the staff at NextShark, h/t: Reddit
Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Everything You Hate To Love About Dive Bars

Dive Bars are like the girl from She’s All That if she never took off her glasses, but everyone thought she was (non-traditionally) attractive in the first place. Let’s say she also has weird habits and a smell you can’t place, but everyone has such a soft spot for her. And even the popular jocks from high school frequent her several times a month—okay, nevermind, this is a terrible metaphor. Anyway, let’s talk about what makes a dive bar!

Everyone has at least one weird, wild story, if not a dozen.

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Dive bars are this weird limbo where, for some insane reason, your moral compass doesn’t work. It just goes all screwy, like when a magnet gets too close to a legitimate compass. You think this decision is pointing toward northern glory, but it’s actually leading you straight to southern infamy, the likes of which will be hard to justify the next day or even explain a year from the next day. Everyone who’s been there has a story that starts all wide-eyed with “Oh man, so this one night…”

Offers drinks you aren’t even sure are legal.

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Dive bars have drink menus, but they’re either short-hand or a formality. They’ll have something called a “bar mat shot,” where they put everything leftover on the counter into a glass, or they’ll have something called a “we honestly just punch you in the gut” shot, which you’ve obviously always been too scared to order. That’s why you keep ordering beers or well drinks. They might be the only things that keep you alive.

The food sucks unless you’re drunk.

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Dive bars don’t have kitchens. If they do, they don’t have health codes or respect for the food pyramid. Everything you could possibly eat there are technically sides anyway and they’ll taste mostly like batter. You’re probably eating a day’s worth of calories in one dive bar sitting. Surely, you didn’t start your evening thinking you would end it with, “I’ll have the chips and salsa and mozzarella sticks with a side of onion rings.” Are you going to wash those all down with your cheap beer? Cool, see you in Hell, old age.

It’s filled with “lasts.”

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Dive bars all have a crowd of lasts. They don’t make up the entire drinking capacity, but, sprinkled throughout the drunks, the cheapskates, and the college kids, there are consistent patrons with wild life stories. From women who look like last hopes, men who look like last resorts, and a spread of weirdos you may revisit at last call, there’s a huge spread of human experience garnishing your Jack and Coke. People on their last leg are there drinking their last beer (they swear, this time!), and then there’s you, just wanting to read last rites to a good number of them to put ’em out of their misery with a last breath.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

This NYC Dive Bar Offers Patrons Free Midget Porn, Yay

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Have you ever wished you could enjoy a good beer, solid food and worry-free sexual gratification all at the same time? Let me introduce you to the Double Down – which is actually not some weird, kitchen-based sexual position. At least, not this time.

No, the Double Down Saloon, which has locations in both Vegas and NYC, calls itself a “straight up boozatorium” and is known for its $4 “Ass Juice,” bacon martinis and yes, the hours of kitschy porn looping across its several television screens.

Here are some of the NYC location’s best Yelp reviews:

“Porn.
Three Stooges.
Bad Horror Flicks.
More Porn.

Ass Juice.
Reasonably Priced Drinks.
Attentive Bartenders.
More Ass Juice.

Porn-Painted Walls.
Photo Booth.
Pool Table.
More Painted Walls

I think I’ve covered it.”

Helen L.

“The place is laid back and not too rowdy unfortunately, towards late in the evening, the guys pointed out the midget porn on the screen and I was like OMG! That was definitely not on my radar when I came in looking for more booze and french fries.”

Neline S.

“The porn was strong on the next visit. Full blow jobs, money shots, Grand Ma action, and hentai.”

Mike O.

“Liquor and midget porn, you my only friends.”

Peter D.

According to Gothamist, the East Village staple has been offering up the best in free porn for years and most people love it. Though we’ve got to wonder how much longer all those “straight-laced” after work folks can get away with the old “I had no idea this was that kinda place I swear!”

Honey, we won’t tell if you don’t.

H/T Gothamist + PictThx Double Down