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Hit-Or-Miss

13 People Confess Cringeworthy And Disastrous Drunk Texts

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The dreaded drunk text can get you in a lot of trouble, as a simple thought that pops into your head after a night out drinking, can turn into a morning of, “Why the f*ck did I say that!”

The severity of a drunk texts can vary, from channeling your inner-Drake and hitting up your ex, to thinking it’s a fantastic idea to snap a photo of your endowment and send it off to multiple girls, including your mom.

Whatever the case, the deeds are done and you have to live with your inebriated decisions. Thankfully Reddit users were kind enough to share some of their most embarrassing drunk texts, making us laught, cry and mostly cringe.

It’s hard not to press “send” sometimes, but one thing’s for sure, you wake up with a good story to tell when you do.

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She get it from her mama

Texted some girls mom, “hey” thinking it was her. Mom texted back “hey tupnado21, this is her mom.”

To which I replied, “that’s okay you’re hot too.”

Regrettable pause… No response…

Panic text follow up,

“I mean, I think you’re sexy for an old lady!” -Tupnado21

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Your Mom has seen your junk before, but still…

mom-texting

“I was drunk at my friends house party. I found a phone on the floor, and decided to take a pic of my dick and send it to the person’s mother. next day, when i sobered up, My mom asked me “why did you send me a picture of your dick?”’ -awais66
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That’s one way to do it

closet-morgue-stk

“It was horribly spelled and grammar was shit but i was trying to send a text to my boyfriend that was something along the lines of “When I get home i’m going to maul the shit of of your privates and your going to fuck me like a dog in heat”
Sent it to my brother, that’s how I basically came out of the closet to my brother.” -CommonwealthRaider

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What a kumquat

fry-awkward

“Once I asked a girl if she would eat my cum. After she turned down the offer, I said “Fine, more for me.” -myheartreddit
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His Ex had a “Tree Phase”

trees-stk

“I got drunk one night a few years ago and blacked out. Woke up to find I had had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend who I hadn’t spoken to in a year. I have since gotten a new phone but here are some of the highlights I remember:
Me: *sends picture of a duck* lol us
Her: It’s been a year, Mellow, what the hell do you want?
Me: I took the midnight train going anywhere
Her: We were so good together. Why did you have to break my heart?
Me: I couldn’t stand your damn “I’m attracted to trees” phase
Her: IT WAS NOT A PHASE
Me: Fine, be that way, potato.
*20 minutes later*
Me: Lol this movie is backwards
Her: Are you drunk?
Me: A little bit. I’m watching this cool movie called Mento’s you want to come over?
Her: I live five states away
Me: Lol okay bye
I never spoke to her again.” -MellowMocker

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Winner winner, chicken dinner

fried-chicken-morgue-stk

“I was high, but i sent a picture of the fried chicken i was about to eat to my mom saying “look at this delicious fucker right here, lol no chicken for u” -RatHead6661
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peeps
Ate 3 boxes of peeps on Easter and took the nastiest shit. Tried texting a pic to my group of guy friends but instead sent it to the girl I had been dating for 3 weeks. 2 years later she still brings it up. ~ Hollinator007

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SAVAGE

It was like 3 am and I was chilling with my fraternity brothers. We were schmacked out of our minds and I decided to text my ex girlfriend who I broke up with (she wanted to get back together). I said hey and she immediately texted back hi. To which I replied

“Siiiiike” and never texted her again.

She was not a happy camper. -HuntingSpoon

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This message is Red Forman approved

“My dad’s totally gonna know I’m drunk and high” sent text to my dad… He responded, “I do now, you dumb ass.” -D_rotic

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Surprise, Mom!

granny-morgue-stk

“I love your tits”

Sent to my Mum.

Guys, if you’re sexting a girl while drunk, make sure her name doesn’t start with “L” or “N” – they’re way too close to “M” for “Mum”.

Damn you for making my life awkward Naomi. -Maccas75

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Sleep fixes everything

sleeping-kitty-morgue-stk

Wanted to get some tail and decided to text two girls instead of texting them separately I texted them together in a group chat… in the group chat they both texted “who’s the other person in this chat?” I didn’t answer and went to sleep.

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Bruh

“’Yo you’re really cool and all but someone couldn’t pay me enough money to fuck you’

Sent to my very close friends girlfriend.” -SpyderCompany
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*CRINGES IN SPANISH*

Got home from a long night of partying in my early 20’s. Grabbed my phone and decided to hit up the ex-gf for some regretful drunken sex. I sent a pretty descriptive text to her ‘ Hey. I want you. I want to blank your blank, flip you around and blank you in the blank and then blank all over your blank’ etc etc. Get a text back ‘I don’t think that’s legal, son. Go to bed’

tl;dr — texted my mom for disgusting drunken sex.” -Moufassah

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Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

23 People on the ‘Fattest Thing’ They’ve Ever Done

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Once, I ate an entire package of Oreos, a pound of chocolate, and a half-eaten box of leftover carne asada fries while watching reruns of Bill Nye the Science Guy. It was a memorable summer.  Looking to recall such fond memories, the people of AskReddit were asked, “What’s the fattest thing you’ve ever done?”

The answers range from relatable, hilarious to downright Nobel Prize-worthy.

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Fetus Made Me Do It

Ate a package of poptarts after every meal for 9 months.

The fetus made me do it.

 

Because ‘MURICA

Dunking a Double Down sandwich in gravy and mashed potatoes.

 

Because Chocolate Sauce > Ranch

For me, it’s dipping pizza in a chocolate fountain… Surprisingly delicious

 

PIG SHOTS

A pig roast shot. You cook a pig and all the fat drips down into a catcher on the side of the big grill. Then people takes shots of the the warm juicy fat from the pig. PIG SHOTS!!!!!

 

Don’t Worry, We All Do It

I went to a carnival a few years back. They had deep fried butter there. I ate the whole damn thing. Then sat there for a while wallowing in my artery clogging shame.

 

Some Said It Couldn’t Be Done

Ordered 50 dollars off the dollar menu from McDonalds.

I have no excuse.

 

TL;DR: COOKIES

I was a resident assistant in college. I once baked cookies and a cake for my residents to grab up at the front desk. I pulled out the cookies first since it needed less time to bake than the cake. I accidentally ate the 36 mini chocolate chip cookies I had baked before I pulled the cake out of the oven the final time.

The cake took about an hour to bake, and each time, the middle kept on still being soggy cake batter. I finally deemed the cake to be a lost effort, and to avoid embarrassment from my residents and fellow RAs, I ate the cake so I wouldn’t be able to show off my horrid baking skills.

TL;DR: ate 36 mini-chocolate chip cookies and a cake by myself

 

Icing Hack

I haven’t had a birthday cake for the past decade. On my last birthday i decided i was going to buy my self a cake then eat the whole thing because cake.

The fattest thing i’ve done is had them write “Happy birthday kroon, We love you so very much” on the cake because it added more frosting.

Greasy-Burrito-Cover

I’m Sorry, Kids

I’m a recovering White Castle junkie, 2 years ago I went into a White Castle with the intention of bringing home some food for the family.

I ordered 20 doubles (no cheese) and a large seltzer. Got on the train and I couldn’t stand it, I had to eat some. 1 hour later I arrived at my station with a bag full of empty burger boxes.

My wife asked me if I brought any home for her and kids, I just hung my head in shame and said we were going to have to order out tonight, then I took a 8 hour nap.

Still don’t regret it, but glad I am at least 1 hour away from the nearest White Castle!

 

Why Fences Were Invented

The Manimal Challenge as seen on Man vs Food in Portland, ME. It involves an eight-patty onion-topped cheeseburger (known as the “Ochoburger”), two coleslaw-topped hot dogs, a side of crinkle-cut French fries, a soda, and a “Mother Futcher” milkshake (made with three scoops of butter pecan ice cream, milk, and Grandmother Futcher’s coffee cake) – all in under 20 minutes. The worst part was the soda as it was a Moxie which for those who have never had one is horrible (at least I found it to be).

Finished it with seconds to spare, got my tshirt, felt horrible, and then puked in some poor guy’s lawn who proceeded to scream about why does this always happen to his lawn.

 

Not Tonight Babe, Pizza

Said I didn’t want sex so I could eat more pizza.

 

Genius

One of my all time favorite desserts is to take chocolate DoubleStuf Oreos and dip them into chocolate pudding cups. Ah, my veins are constricting just thinking about it. 😀

 

Congratulations!

I ate a pound of bacon in one day

 

Sneaking Around

Okay I have the perfect story for this.

I told my wife I was going to the gym, but somehow I ended up going to Mcdonald’s instead.

I ate my cheeseburgers in a parking lot, and waited a little while until it seemed long enough for a workout.

When I got home, I poured water on my head and shirt to look like I had been sweating.

That is the absolute saddest and fattest thing I have ever done.

 

You Know You’ve Found Your Soulmate When…

Anniversary time. Wife and I walk four blocks down the hill to the House of Prime Rib. We gorge on meat meat meat meat meat meat meat. Oh yeah, there’s a salad and we eat that too. Groaning with pleasure, we waddle out of the restaurant. Look up the hill. We can see our apartment. I look at her. She looks at me. We hail a cab.

 

How to Do KBBQ Proper

Went to Korean bbq and ate for 4 hours. In my defense, it was KBBQ.

 

Perfect Logic

I ate half of a cake once when I should have only one piece. I was horrified and didn’t want anyone to know, so I finished the cake, baked a whole new one, forced myself to eat the one allowed piece.

Then I barfed in the middle of dinner.

edit: I have since had my stomach banded to keep myself from doing such a thing again. Now I can manage half a pear and then must stop eating.

 

She Wants You, Bro

I ate a $20 dinner for 2 at Chilis all by myself. My waitress said she was “impressed and disgusted”.

 

Louie Made Me Do It

I did what’s called a bang-bang. I ate at two completely separate restaurants, and had two full meals, back to back. I saw it on an episode of Louie and thought it would be fun to try. It was, but I’d never do it again. I gained eight pounds that day.

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No New Friends

Going back about seven years, height of depression, girlfriend was a complete psycho bitch, etc. One weekend, she was going to be out of town and I tried to organize a get together with some friends. We agreed on a Friday evening and I planned the most awesomest sexiest party there ever was.

I didn’t account for the fact that as they were all wifed and children’d up, every single one of them flaked the very day of the event. All with cuntbag excuses like “The child is ill” or “the wife has a headache” or “I forgot I have to wake up early tomorrow because wife’s parents are in town that evening and I have to buy some shoes” or some fuckbollocks. When the last one called, I didn’t even wait for the excuse – cue a bunch of texts about me being an asshole.

Shame. It would have been cool too! I had such great plans for the evening.

In a depressive rage, I still ordered enough pizza for 12 people with sides. I spent that Friday night with a bunch of beer, 8 large Dominos pizzas, some movies I’d bought but not got around to seeing and near on two 20x packs of Marlboro ciggies. I finished the evening by letting off about £200 worth of fireworks I’d bought for the occasion.

On the one hand, in a drunken manic depressive rage, fireworks appear way cooler! Especially when the guy you bought them from was a professional display dude and slid you a few rockets he really shouldn’t have! This is especially true when you’re at the stage of saying, “I shouldn’t have had that last pizza…” as in not “slice” of pizza.

Cue me at 2am, drunk in my back yard, finishing the last beer, really thinking… “As a person, I am fucked!”

I guess the morning after was also my epiphanic moment. I was 23 years old, it was 8am, I’d gotten no sleep, I was hurling up something chronic in the bathroom and some of it still resembled bits of pizza. This was when I decided that there was something majorly wrong with my life and I had to do something about it. I’d had some thoughts about that before, but the fattest thing I’ve ever done is certainly that. 8 pizzas, however many beers, 40 cigarettes… and fireworks.

 

BRB, Trying This

I once ate half a tub of ice cream with a tablespoon of Nutella spread accompanying every mouthful because I ran out of chocolate syrup. I later learnt of the nutritional content of Nutella, and realised that I must have ingested a week’s allowance of saturated fats in one sitting.

 

Zing!

My ex husband

 

Zero Fucks Given

At a carnival a few years back, I had deep fried butter. I shit you not, it was a stick of butter put in batter then deep fried with cinnamon and sugar. I wallowed in my artery clogging misery afterwards.

Edit: I’m getting a lot of people asking me more about this… To this day, I cringe at the thought of it. Apperantly they whip it then freeze it before dipping it in the batter so it doesn’t completely melt. Anyway, it was kinda like a overcooked biscuit coated in cinnamon and sugar with a whole stick of gooey butter on the inside. And when you take a bite, you can feel your cholesterol going through the roof and your arteries clogging. Not to mention the same and guilt you feel afterwards………… * To sum it up, if you can get past the guilt and the fact of eating DEEP FRIED FUCKING BUTTER, and give absolutely no fucks, it was supprisingly not to bad. I just couldn’t get over myself to enjoy it though.