If you’re ever eating with famed comedian Bobby Lee, of both standup and TigerBelly Podcast fame, you’re going to want to finish your entire meal.
That’s because if Lee picks up the check, he declares the right to do whatever he wants with your leftovers. Co-host and girlfriend Khalyla Kuhn outed the former Mad TV star with an anecdote told to comedian Bert Kreischer on a March TigerBelly episode:
“I’ve secretly packed it in a box [. . .] he looked at it, smashed my sandwich. So it’s now all over the place and indedible.” – Khalyla Kuhn
“And the next time you pay for the meal – you can take it home, do whatever you want with it.” – Bobby Lee
POWER MOVE. Not only has Bobby Lee has taken a full ownership stake of your food, allowing him to put everything in a single box for his own pleasure – he takes it one step further by decimating it. Wait, there’s more?
“I leave it on the table, no one can take it,” said Lee.
Translation: when he doesn’t destroy your leftovers he’ll still make you leave the food on the table – completely intact. There is a certain type of person that doesn’t eat leftovers (read: privileged), but this, this is an extreme take that’s hilarious and simultaneously frustrating. Potentially starting a last-minute Venmo war might be your only hope.
For the full conversation check out Ep. 237 of the TigerBelly Podcast on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts.
The only activity that comes close to the satisfaction of cooking and eating is simply talking about food. Honestly, just discussing food—or hearing someone else do it—hits the spot in a strange, beautifully rewarding way. It doesn’t even have to be during an in-person conversation. We’re ready to adore poems about food, read essays about food, flip through magazines about food, but, most of all, hear comedians joke about food.
It’s true. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be a flattering observation about food. It can be a savage takedown of certain kinds of diners, restaurant chains, or culinary trends. While there’s a lot we love about food, there is totally a lot to laugh at—eating poorly when we know it’s bad for us, eating differently around our crushes, or even just trying to cook a simple meal and it going terribly wrong.
So let’s serve up some of our absolute favorite stand-up bits about food, covering everything from fast food shame to the weird way we go about grocery shopping. Seriously, what better way is there to burn off calories from cooking and eating all that food?
“Hot Pockets” – Jim Gaffigan
“I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets. They have a warning printed on the side. It says, ‘WARNING: You just bought Hot Pockets. Hope you’re drunk or heading home to a trailer, you hillbilly. Enjoy the next NASCAR event.”
“Cooking” – Maria Bamford
“People always say how easy it is to cook, but it is not any easier than not cooking.”
“Blue Food” – George Carlin
“Where the hell is the blue food? Every other color is represented.”
“KFC” – Patton Oswalt
“Can you take all those food items and pile them in a single bowl for me and I’ll just eat them like a Death Row prisoner on suicide watch?”
“Eating Around Men” – Iliza Shlesinger
“When you first meet a guy that you like, you can’t eat the way you want to on a date. You can’t. You can’t have that fourth plate of ribs on a date… I found out.”
“Pickle Juice” – Hannibal Buress
“I don’t like throwing out the pickle juice. It just feels wasteful. So lately I’ve been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and then I flick it on my sandwiches for flavor.”
“Cheddar Bay Biscuits” – Kyle Kinane
“It should come as no surprise when I tell you that I belong to the Facebook fan page for Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits… for obvious reasons.”
“Fig Newtons” – Brian Regan
“I looked at the serving size — two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve.”
“Burger King” – Dane Cook
“First job I had? Burger King. My brother got me the job, too. My brother got me the job. He was the manager and he got me the job. You would think that would be cool, because he was my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the Burger King!”
“Airline Food” – Ellen Degeneres
“[Flight attendants] have this attitude, and they can afford to have the attitude, because they have the power. They have the peanuts. They have these six peanuts that we need.”
“McDonald’s” – Jim Gaffigan
“It’s fun telling people you go to McDonald’s. They always give you that look like, ‘Oh, I didn’t know I was better than you.'”
“Supermarket Experience” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Food is so complicated as an adult. You see people in the supermarket, just sweating it out. Nobody knows, ‘What do I eat?’ The protein, the carbs, the fat content; oh my god, fat content. Just walking up to each other, ‘What are you eating? Maybe I’ll eat that.’ The whole supermarket itself is designed to break down your sense of having any life outside the supermarket. It’s like a casino.”
Real-life food fights are few and far between. No one wants to waste perfectly good food in a heated argument, especially when there are tons of malnourished people around the world who would kill to get a morsel of the Salisbury ammunition.
Film and television, however, are a completely different story. Because nothing you see on the screen is real, directors are given the opportunity to create pandemonium with peas and some mashed potato mayhem.
Check out these seven epic fictional food fights that could only be found on-screen.
The Cheers gang finds themselves alone on Thanksgiving after a series of unfortunate circumstances and decide to spend the holiday together. Tensions from their less than ideal holiday situations comes to a head in a brutal food fight, marking this as one of the sitcom’s most memorable moments.
Kung Fu Panda
Leave it to DreamWorks to come up with a beautifully choreographed animated montage where the titular Kung Fu Panda is being trained by Dustin Hoffman. In the “food fight” scene, the young Panda is given the simple task of successfully eating a dumpling. However, this proves more difficult than he thinks, leading to a ballet of kung fu food fightery.
Speaking of Dustin Hoffman, a memorable fight scene comes straight out of our favorite film of all time: Hook. A grown-up Peter Pan, played by the late Robin Williams, forgets what its like to use his imagination and is nudged to recall his youthful sense of wonder with the help of The Lost Boys, leading to quite possibly the most colorful food fight you’ll ever see.
One of the most memorable food fights in cinema has to be from Animal House. John Belushi’s character inadvertently starts a food fight after getting into some trouble with the smug One Theta Pi fraternity members. We recall the zit-popping moment fondly.
Rest in peace, Mr. Belushi.
This memorable sitcom food fight comes from Family Matters, where main character Laura Winslow gets into a catty dispute with her frenemy Myra. The two pour different cafeteria foods down each others’ clothes, which eventually leads to an all-out food fight in the middle of the high school cafeteria.
Another animated example, this food fight from the Recess episode “The Tattletale Heart” is a focal point of the beloved Disney animated series. A brutal food fight breaks out in the Third Street Elementary School cafeteria, leading to a school-wide interrogation to find out who threw the first ball of food.
The 3 Stooges
From the classic short In The Sweet Pie and Pie, the Three Stooges engage in one of their earliest pie fights.
According to Larry Fine, this was one of the most difficult scenes to shoot from the film, because after they ran out of pies to throw, the prop guy would sweep up the used fillings (which had collected nails, splinters, and tacks) and smack each other with them until the director was happy with the shots.
SmackDown: Del Rio v. Randy Orton
The then-rivalry between pro wrestlers Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio led to a brutal brawl between the two professional wrestlers on the WWE’s SmackDown program. The fight carried over to the craft services section where tons of dishes fell victim to the heated dispute between the two sweaty behemoths. This was but one of the many food fights seen in the WWE, as they’ve had more than an epic few go down over the years.
FOODBEAST recently created a few spots that lean into “first time” taboo moments we can all relate to. Ice cream itself may be considered taboo amongst healthy snack enthusiasts, so for Halo Top‘s low-calorie ice cream to be the punchline of a new series was quite fitting. Halo Top is seemingly and unanimously co-signed by the Internet as a darling of the health food category, with GQ even calling it a “Magical, Healthy Ice Cream.”
We are all familiar with the trepidation that comes along with indulging in our favorite vices however, there’s nothing more liberating than being able to overcome some type of underlying hesitation and stepping outside of your comfort zone to experience something new.
As these sketches ride the familiarity and wonder of certain coming-of-age experiences, be on the look out for the plot twists…
The First Timer
There’s nothing more memorable than a first-time experience. The pulse-racing anxiety, coupled with the exhilarating fear of the unknown, can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions. In this sketch, the shaken and nervous first-timer (Noah Grossman), gains enough courage to try it for himself. Alas, with the help of his “friend” (Madeleine Byrne), he discovers his first magical moment with Halo Top.
The Rotation There’s a first time for everything, still regardless of the lack of experience, there’s a societal understanding about the unwritten laws of social expectations one must live up to, and never mess up. After a first time experience, the social and interpersonal anxieties are still present — it’s an awkward phase, where it’s new, but most comfortable in a group setting. The rotation sketch places the viewer in a familiar first-person perspective, as four friends indulge with some Halo Top in privacy — all while adhering to the standard rule of scoop, scoop, pass.
Partaking at your own leisure is ‘me time’ to the fullest. However, for newbies, a little guidance can go a long way. Who’s the plug for proper satisfaction? It doesn’t matter, just as long as they’re not a professional lingerer.
I’ve watched John Caparulo do live stand-up, and the blue-collar comedian, like any good comic, is not afraid to tell jokes that make you a bit uncomfortable.
On a recent performance, Caparulo had a drink thrown his way after making a Donald Trump joke at The Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA.
Footage was obtained by TMZ, as Caparulo is seen telling a joke about the Washington Monument looking a bit phallic. He then transitioned into a punchline saying, “I think they’re saving that design for Trump’s monument.”
After a sea of laughter, a woman sitting by the stage can be heard yelling, “Fuck you!” toward Cap. The comedian then began to roast the heckler, responding with:
“No, fuck you, stupid. What are you, his fuckin’ mom? Get the fuck out of here. On your way out, remember, you can suck my balls any time.”
As the woman got out of her seat to leave the show, she told Caparulo, “Go fuck yourself,” and promptly threw her glass of alcohol at him, hitting the funnyman in his upper torso.
A clearly agitated Caparulo got back on the microphone and admitted that it hurt. He didn’t skip a beat, though, following the incident with a joke saying:
“Right now, I still gotta do comedy. You ever go to a family reunion and your uncle cusses out your grandma, and somebody comes up, like, ‘Who wants cake?’ Now I gotta be the guy who’s like, ‘Who wants cake?’ Dude, what the fuck was that?”
Usually these comedy clubs have a two drink minimum, so maybe Caparulo was lucky that he only had one thrown at him.
Whole Foods can get pretty expensive. Let’s get that straight. While we’re more than happy to visit the health food chain, on occasion, we have to admit that sometimes the prices are a little steep for something as simple as chicken.
Jimmy O. Yang, who plays Jian-Yang on the hit HBO series Silicon Valley, talks about the ridiculous prices of Whole Foods’s chicken in his hilarious stand-up set on the Laugh Factory.
Gordon Ramsay has long been associated with restaurants, with fixing them up in terms of image and food being his particular niche. After having maintained his stellar popularity for many years, it’s time he takes his area of expertise to another corner of the service industry.
With two seasons under his belt already, Ramsay has proven successful in helping people rebrand their lodging establishments in order to turn their misfortune around.
Well, Late Late Show host James Corden decided to turn his home into a bed n’ breakfast, then made the next logical step by inviting Ramsay to his “Home-tel.” Check out the hilarious clip below to see how well Corden pulled it off.
Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, the comedic duo behind such films as Superbad and This Is The End, have teamed up once again to tell us a story about the foods we buy at the supermarket.
It’s called Sausage Party.
The R-rated animated comedy revolves around a sausage named Frank, voiced by Rogen, who dreams of nothing more than to be purchased and taken home. When he and his friends finally get their dream, however, they’re horrified to see how humans really treat food.
Check out the totally unsafe for work trailer. It’ll kind of make you rethink that pre-lunch snack.