Categories
Features

Why Cubed Ice Is — and Always Will Be — Better Than Crushed

Last week, my editor (a “crushed ice” person) asked me to write an opinion piece on crushed vs. cubed ice. And while I set out to take the old facetious route a la April’s Tabasco vs. Sriracha debate, upon further reflection, I’ve realized doing so would a crime, an insult, an affront not only to myself but to the millions of other ice-rs out there who know the truth.

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Crushed

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Ice

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F@#king

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Sucks.

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It’s awful.

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Seriously, how are there people out there who like this stuff?

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I mean, sure it’s smaller than cubed, which means it cools drinks down faster.

But you know what else it does?

That’s right, it dilutes. It dilutes drinks down like a mother-f@#ker.

It’s like, I’m sorry, did I order my Coke topped with a layer of tears and sadness?

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Did I ask for diet-diet Mint Julep?

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And speaking of the myriad states of water being places they’re not wanted, why do you keep trying to get all up in my straw, crushies? Clogging sh*t, stopping me from getting my drank on?

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Really crushed ice, would you please just

G

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T

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F

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O

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The only thing crushed ice is good for is cooling down water.

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Chewing, occasionally.

Maybe diluting drinks that need to be diluted anyway, like too-sweet Cherry Limeades from Sonic. Or god-awful $1 Sauza margaritas.

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But let’s face it, crushed ice will never, ever even come close to beating cubed.

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You can’t make adorably geeky ice cubes with it.

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You can’t stick flowers in it.

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Heck, you can’t make even make proper cocktails with it, ones you’d actually want to taste. It’s called “on the rocks,” for a reason people, not “on the annoying watery pebbles.”

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Aw, but you like having something to chew on? Buy gum you weirdo. Eat more food, you freak.

Take your oral fixation elsewhere.

Because the fact of the matter is, Cubed Is and Always Will Be Better Than Crushed.

Class dismissed.

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H/T All the Facebook friends who contributed to my “research”, GifThx Giphy

Categories
Fast Food

Panera Offers New ‘Sweet & Tart’ Frozen Cherry Limeade

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I’m currently writing this from Fresno, California, aka the middle of nowhere. It’s more than a 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and every time I step out the sun attempts to burn my face off. I’m suddenly grateful that every food chain on Earth is rolling out with their own line of frozen/chilled/icy summer drinks — even though I swore if I had to write “summer ready” one more time, I’d kick a puppy.

That being said, Panera is offering a new Frozen Cherry Limeade made with purees of dark sweet cherries, tart red cherries, strawberries, apple and lime juice. The drink carries a sweet and tart flavor, the two things your mouth is probably craving when dying of thirst (well, that or water).

Along with the Frozen Cherry Limeade, Panera is also bringing back the Strawberry Poppyseed & Chicken Salad. The seasonal dish packs Mandarin oranges, pecans, strawberries, blueberries, chicken, romaine lettuce and fat-free poppyseed dressing. The brand also debuted its new Chilled Shrimp & Soba Noodle Salad, made with soba noodles tossed in peanut sauce and a Napa cabbage blend, with a side of baby spinach topped with cooked shrimp.

All very summer ready appropriate.

Categories
Hit-Or-Miss

Ready to Drink Frozen Smirnoff and Parrot Bay Pouches Totally Look Like Alcoholic Capri Sun

This intro goes out to all the incoming college freshmen: if (and when) you start to feel small and scared and nostalgic for the playground, Diageo USA has just created the perfect way to get recess-wasted with new Freeze and Squeeze Parrot Bay & Smirnoff Frozen Drink Pouches.

That’s right, it’s alcohol. In a pouch. Get your vodka gummies out.

Full disclosure: these bad boys were actually designed to provide a quick and easy way for party hosts to serve mixed drinks without having to mix anything, and therefore don’t come with any actual straws or straw holes. But there’s nothing stopping you from popping one in yourself (except maybe your date of birth, but hey, that’s what Bigs and RAs are for). So just grab a few, freeze them overnight and get yo’ illegal classroom-drank on the next day—all without ever using a blender or fake ID.

New Diageo Freeze and Squeeze packs come in six flavors, the Parrot Bays being a bit more “traditional” in their range (i.e., Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri, Frozen Mango Daiquiri and Frozen Piña Colada), and the Smirnoffs more innocently disguised as summertime-childhood fare with flavors like Frozen Strawberry Lemonade, Frozen Blue Raspberry Lemonade and Frozen Cherry Limeade.

Granted, as cool as these alcoholic “juice bags” are, they’re definitely not the first of their kind, having been released about a year after cocktail brand Daily’s introduced their own Frozen Drink Pouches around mid-2011. But that doesn’t make them any less fun. Or potentially dangerous.

Both Parrot Bay and Smirnoff Freeze and Squeeze Pouches are 5% ABV and are available in single 10 oz. sizes for $1.99.

Bangarang.