I hate to break it to you, guy, but just because a super-intelligent spider describes your pig as “some pig,” “terrific” and “radiant” doesn’t mean that when you finally do cook the thing, you’ll magically wind up with fortune-telling bacon. That’s just not how it works.
If you want fortune-telling bacon, do it like the Sisters of Radiant Farms, who previously brought us the magic that was Canned Unicorn Meat and are now back with quite possibly the only way to make the epitome of perfection even better.
Created from magical swine in Ireland, Fortune-Telling Bacon works by revealing the exact kind of fried pork fat you crave at any given time. Just place a strip in the palm of your hand and watch as it curls out its answer, fortune-telling fish style:
Moves Left – Chewy Goodness
Moves Right – Crispy
Both Ends Move – Sizzling Hot
Sides Curl – Canadian
Flips Over – Spicy
Curls up Entirely – Greasy
Lies Motionless – Vegetarian
Full disclosure: I can’t guarantee this thing will work right each and every time. When I tried it out (in the following fake story which never really happened), I was totally hankering for some turkey bacon, but the stupid thing didn’t even know what to do with that. It didn’t move left or right or lie motionless. It just sort of exploded. I had to go through at least 30 more before realizing that I knew myself and I knew what I wanted and no silly plastic fortune-telling pig was gonna tell me otherwise.
Some pig, indeed.
Fortune Telling Bacon $10 @ Think Geek