If there’s one thing we’ve learned from this Cap’n Crunch scandal, it’s that people take their cereal mascots very seriously. After Foodbeast challenged the Cap’n’s title as “Captain” in Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud, fans worldwide erupted in both outrage and dismay. The Crunchgate story made headlines from CNN to Time and eventually, the actual Cap’n was forced to address the controversy in person.
And by person we mean the cartoon character boarded a cartoon ship and addressed a real-life audience. Funny how things work, isn’t it?
In other breaking news, the Cap’n has only four fingers (gasp) and his eyebrows are attached to his hat (say it ain’t so!)
Watch the, erm, press conference below:
Video: Cap’n Crunch
Dear Foodbeast Readers,
Apparently, we’ve caused a national outrage that some have deemed “the greatest controversy in recorded history.” When we broke the news that Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud, readers were both heartbroken and shocked that we had the audacity to utter such blasphemy.
— J.W. Cannon (@cannonjw) June 15, 2013
— rachel karman (@RKarSuperstar) June 18, 2013
While others were simply delighted
— Dan Levy (@TheDanLevy) June 18, 2013
As you read this, you’re probably thinking, “All of this fuss and tears over a jolly bearded man in a Halloween costume?” Our answer: This is the internet, purveyor of serious sh*t. At least, serious enough to land the story and cause a plethora of temper tantrums on Huffpo, CNN, Gawker and the National Post (check the comment sections, they’re great).
While we initially lamented over the discovery that the Cap’n was a commander and not the “captain” he claimed to be, many were quick to point out that anyone in command of a ship and crew, regardless of their rank, is considered a “Captain.”
That being said, we apologize for not consulting America’s beloved cereal icon first. Who knew that a two-dimensional cartoon character could cause such a monumental controversy? Luckily, Cap’n Crunch himself reached out to us to set things straight.
— Cap’n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) June 14, 2013
No worries, Cap’n, we’ve still got mad love for ya — even if you do shred the roofs of our mouths to fleshy bits.
Unapologetic Leafs Fan & Lucky Charms Enthusiast
My whole life has just been shattered into a pile of stale cereal crumbs.
Seriously, guys. Your design team had one job. You couldn’t have at least gotten the old man’s uniform right? Now, adults and children alike are lamenting the fact that the cheery Santa Claus in a blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR. Yes, my fellow Foodbeasts, the “Cap’n” is really just a “Commander” in disguise.
If you haven’t already, peep the photo above, and note the disparity between the stripes of a captain and those of a commander. Now check out the stripes on Cap’n Crunch’s wrists. One. Two. Three . . . Ugh.
Next you’re going to tell me that Tony the Tiger is really a cranky bald man in a cat suit, or something equally horrifying.
My only solace is that he goes by “Cap’n” Crunch instead of “Captain.” Still, I’m a little heartbroken over here.
It’s most likely that the Cap’n only has three stripes because he’s a French “Capitaine de frégate” and they technically only have three yellow stripes. Although, that still translates to “Commander” in English . . . and doesn’t explain why he doesn’t speak a lick of le français.