We all know there’s a hierarchy of alcohol-related crimes. There’s your mild infractions (showing up to a BYOB party with a single Corona), your moderate offenses (mistaking a pair of shoes for a vomit bucket), and your grievous crimes (setting a cat on fire and watching it burn the house down). We didn’t think it could get worse than that, but that was before we discovered the mobile app “Drinking Mirror” which deserves its own separate category of booze-related horror.
The deceptively simple app takes a picture of you as you look today (or yesterday, or two years ago, or whenever you took your last selfie) and asks you how much and how frequently you drink during an average week. Then it calculates how your alcohol intake will affect your face and spits out a wrinkled and sagging portrait of what you’ll look like if you don’t quit booze immediately and start chugging green tea like your life depends on it. We took a page out of Huffington Posts’ book and used the app on the Foodbeast staff . . . and then this happened.
It is literally impossible to maintain your buzz after watching yourself morph into a sun damaged Gollum lookalike, and it’ll forever change the way you look at your favorite beer. And by “look at” we mean “stare suspiciously at as you pour it down the drain and swear off alcohol for the rest of your life.” Which, we have to say, is pretty unfair. Alcohol is supposed to make everyone more attractive, not less. See also: beer goggles.
It’s a good thing that the entire Foodbeast staff is naturally attractive, or we might be having a crisis over our looks right now. Just maybe.
We’ll probably never forgive Drinking Mirror for shattering our delusions of eternal youth and the restorative power of the $3 kamikaze shot . . . but we guess it’s a good thing to know that our actions have consequences, alcohol isn’t good for us, blah blah blah. Whatever. At least we know how to scare ourselves sober next time we think about taking a few mystery shots with this guy.
“Drinking Mirror” $0.99 on iTunes