As a kid, I loved watching the ’90s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. Who didn’t? One of the things that stuck was all the ridiculous pizzas Michelangelo and his brothers would order throughout the series. As the years passed, I started to think some of those pizzas could actually be pretty delicious if done right. Though it did take a solid 22 years for anchovies to grow on me.
Like his Renaissance namesake, who would have thought Mikey was ahead of his time. Using some hunger-fueled imagination I recreated 24 of the most disgusting pizza orders from the TV show and turned them into something you could order at a restaurant. Cowabunga.
Tuna fish, peanut butter and grape jelly
Tuna ahi poke on top of a bed of seaweed salad and drizzled some hot, melted peanut butter and grape jelly on top. Went more for color than taste. Ending up tasting great so that worked itself out.
Peanut butter and clams
Drenched the pizza in a cajun peanut butter sauce with four fresh calms. The heat from the sauce really made the clams, no pun intended, pop. Crawfish for garnish.
Peanut butter, avocado and extra pickles
A bed of guacamole topped with avocado slices, melted peanut butter and some sweet dill pickle chips. This is actually a sandwich I make on many an occasion.
Marshmallow and pepperoni
Pepperoni and cheese pizza topped with roasted marshmallows. The marshmallows look like haunting little lifeboats on a sea of pepperoni.
Marshmallow and asparagus
Asparagus and cheese baked directly into the crust and topped with toasted mini marshmallows. Had to many different versions of this one before I settled on this. Couldn’t be happier.
Guacamole and Marshmallow
A generous heap of freshly made guacamole and topped with a single marshmallow lit on fire. Kids, don’t try this at home. Grownups, go nuts.
Butterscotch, onions and anchovies
Onion and anchovies caramelized in brown sugar and a butterscotch sauce. Tasted great but stunk up my kitchen like nobody’s business. Do turtles have nostrils?
Tea and toast
A buttered slice of toast on top of tomato sauce and sprinkled with tea leaves, parmesan cheese and more tomato sauce. The original concept for this had chunks of toast drenched in tea. NOT. APPETIZING.
Chocolate sprinkles and clam sauce
A cheese pizza made with a hearty clam sauce and chocolate sprinkles and garnished with green onions. Not easy to make clam sauce pop on a pizza. Had to tweak it into a chowder. Master Splinter would be proud.
Chocolate chips baked into the pizza and drenched with a generous amount of hot fudge. It’s essentially a cookie.
Chocolate fudge with extra garlic
A generous amount of fried garlic on top of a pool of melted chocolate fudge. Definitely not something you’d order on a first date, but then again, are any of these pizzas?
Chocolate fudge, sardine, chili pepper, whipped cream
A cheese and whipped cream pizza topped with shaved chocolate fudge and red chili flakes. Served with a fried sardine filet in chocolate fudge sauce. Any nutrients that piece of sardine contains is neutralized by that mountain of whipped cream. I guarantee it.
Anchovies and hot fudge
Hot chocolate fudge drizzled over anchovy filets on a sauceless white pizza. Until the day anchovies turn into giant mutated fish that eat people, they’ll forever be my favorite fish.
Pepperoni and hot fudge
A classic pepperoni and cheese pizza drizzled with a little chocolate fudge. Just a little. We’re not animals.
Pepperoni and pickles
Cheese and pepperoni pizza with sweet dill pickle chips. The pickles add a crunch that can be heard all through the New York sewer systems.
Jelly bean and sausage
A spicy pork chorizo and sour cream pizza topped with queso fresco and fresh cilantro and served with a jalapeño jellybean gastrique. The jelly beans had us stumped but luckily Reddit came to the rescue.
Salami pizza with double yogurt
Two servings of vanilla yogurt topped with fresh salami slices and drizzled with blackberry jelly. If you can get over the idea of salami and yogurt, it goes down pretty tastily.
Shredded coconut and sweet pickles
Pizza is topped with shredded coconut, drizzled with hot mustard and topped with sweet pickle chips. Shredder would be a crazy handy guy to have in this situation.
Strawberry with anchovy sauce
Caramelized strawberries served with an anchovy butter sauce and topped with whipped cream. This one was the most difficult to come up with. Thankfully, whipped cream saved the day.
Hot, buttery oatmeal topped with brown sugar, honey and fresh strawberries. It’s another side to breakfast pizza.
Truffle oil popcorn with parsley flakes and parmesan cheese. There’s a pizza somewhere under that mountain of popcorn.
Anchovies and banana
Caramelized rum bananas and anchovy filets. The pizza that inspired this post. The bananas and anchovies were the perfect balance of sweet and salty.
Hot goulash served with crumbles of queso fresco. After a quick Google search of what exactly goulash was, it was pretty easy to make.
Granola and licorice
Vanilla yogurt topped with granola and shaved red licorice. It was a bitch to hand shred licorice, but doesn’t it look pretty?
Video for verification
The next time you’re faced with an unpleasant hangover, you might want to remember this: Asparagus can save you from the next bleary-eyed morning with that booming headache. Yes, it could even combat the negative effects that come from a long night of drinking too much alcohol.
According to a study published in the Journal of Food Science in 2009, the common green stalky vegetable could actually help prevent the awful effects of a hangover. Researchers have analyzed the components of young asparagus shoots and leaves to compare their biochemical effects on human and rat liver cells… and found that the amino acids and minerals found in asparagus extract were found to alleviate alcohol hangover.
And there’s more than that — the research also suggests that asparagus could protect liver cells against toxins — who knew a veggie could do that much?
via Science Daily
I am notorious for being ruthlessly carnivorous with a mean streak of sweet tooth. I loathe most vegetables and for me to eat a salad is like pulling teeth from a very grumpy lion. I just…can’t do it and if you make me I’ll bite your hand off. However, if all vegetables came in the form of this asparagus cake, I’d be eating my daily serving of greens on the daily. Heck, I’d even double it.
Yes, the above photo features a lavishly decorated-to-look-like-asparagus chocolate cake. We know, sacré bleu! But hey, if it looks nutritious, that’s enough to merit “healthy” in my book.
Gawk at the pseudo veggies below:
Cakes are cool. You know what’s really cool? Hyperrealistic cakes that look like asparagus, but are actually just an exercise in extremely well executed fondant art built around an 8-layer Dark Devil’s Food Cake.
Not only do I want to introduce this cake, but after digging a bit deeper into the baker’s personal blog (meet Rosie), you’ll notice that this pretty looking baker out of Canada has found a neat little niche of baking, and intertwining her solid photography skills with cute mugshots of her children in the kitchen to relay her recipes.
Without further ado, here’s an Asparagus Cake…that looks like a potted plant of asparagus, but in fact, is entirely edible, and tastes nothing like asparagus. Yes, I am Captain Obvious. Sue me:
[Recipe via Sweetapolita]
Former Sous Chef of a Boca Raton Morton’s Steakhouse, Reggie Williams, is slapping the franchise with a sexual harassment lawsuit alleging the restaurant fostered an environment of sexual harassment and food impurity. Williams claims that one fellow employee, Edmund Bleus, went so far as to put asparagus down his pants and then later served it to unsuspecting restaurant patrons.
Williams also alleges that while in the restaurant’s walk-in cooler, Bleus caught him off guard and ripped his pants and underwear before grabbing his genitals before Williams could get away. Morton’s has yet to comment on the case it has not been disclosed just how much Williams is suing for.
(via The Huffington Post)
Two is always better than one and I’ll prove it to you right now. What’s better then having cooked green beans…? Having green beans wrapped in bacon! I should have studied to become a lawyer with those analytical skills… these Green Bean Bacon Bundles are the combination of two unlikely ingredients married together with an unrivaled swagger.
Want to make these for yourself? To start off, bundle together a handful of green beans with a thick piece of bacon. Make the glaze you want to brush onto your bacon bundles in a separate pan with a little butter, brown sugar and garlic. Throw some salt and pepper on these bad boys before you put them in the oven and you got finger food for a king. (Thx HowSweetItis)
Kogi BBQ had fans waiting, but this Friday the popular Southern California food truck took to its blog to reveal what they call a Grilled Double Fisted Asparagus Taco. The taco is highlighted by the obvious (grilled asparagus), a fried egg, queso fresco and their delicious salsa verde. Patrons should expect a $5 price tag for this new item.