Memoirs of a Low-Budget Burger Kingpin

Burger Kingpin

(Disclaimer: Must read story in British accent for dramatic effect.)

One never knows what will be stumbled upon when navigating through Reddit, but when a drug dealing, employee fornicating, money stealing former food manager opens up via AMA, one cannot help but stop and read each of the 200 posts on the thread.

With stories that sound like they’d come from Breaking Bad’s Gus Fring, you have to take the man’s words with a grain of salt. But he stands behind its authenticity, regardless of how unbelievable the events may seem.

He calls himself KingJamesMoFo (classic), but let’s call him the Burger Kingpin — the man who sat back and watched his Albuquerque Burger King slowly burn around him.

Is this man of not right mind? Can these atrocities truly come from a place of truth and not disgruntlement? We may never know, but these are still the Memoirs of a Low-Budget Burger Kingpin:


Cocaine in the Office


Of course, the first thing Redditors inquired about was the worst thing he had ever encountered while managing his Albuquerque Burger King.  As the ideas swirled through the Kingpin’s head, he knew the first thing he had to share with the world was his superiors engaging in illegal drug-related activity.

Where should i start… The day i transferred to my new store the manager and cook were sniffing lines in the office as they introduced themselves, there were cigarettes in the sanitizer water because they all smoked inside.

But if only it had stopped there. King James was immediately introduced to a different kind of food industry, and the insane events continued:

I remember once, my cook with hepatitis c shot up heroin in the bathroom and left the needle uncapped in the trashcan. The kid who was taking the trash out almost got poked with it.


The Sketchy Manager

KingJamesMofo remembered another incident, one that could have potentially damaged the lives of young women, but the Kingpin did not hold back in sharing more definitive stories about his manager.

My 32 yo manager had naked pics of my 16 yo co worker that he showed me. My manager… would hire 18 yo’s bang em out and then they’d either quit or get fired when it got awkward to work with him.

Oh, but his manager did not stop there. The Burger Kingpin revealed what he felt was the saddest moment for his manager:

Craziest thing boss has done is trying to work and deal with customers while he’s nodding out on heroin. It’s just kinda sad.


Hump D


When asked if he ever got “busy” in the restroom of the Burger King, the Kingpin revealed an alias and explained it in braggadocios style:

Hahaha! My names Hump D… I like my oatmeal lumpy…
but, yea only with one girl. I was teaching a new girl how to clean the bathrooms and one thing led to another. I don’t regret it.

The bathroom stories did not end there, as he recalled another incident he had experienced:

Gross bathroom: I was at the front counter and an ABQ cop walked up to me and said someone had reported two guys having sex in the bathroom. I had no idea of this happening until the cop came in, but anyways we walked into the bathroom and there was a huge pile of shit in one of the stalls. I guess one of the guys was a butt virgin…:/

PicThx: Funny Junk


Of Course, Customers:


At this point, Redditors were warmed up and targeted customers in their following questions. As KingJamesMofo reminisced over experiences with customers, he expressed his worst experience with a “big black dude.”

Well one time this big black dude came in about to punch me in the face because “his onion rings were skimp”. Like literally screaming in my face while his wife was holding him back. To be fair I was being a smartass and taunted him to “come at me bro”.

Another terrible experience the Burger Kingpin narrated, related to a sperm-filled altercation:

Another time this man came in and threatened to kill me and my cook because he had found DNA evidence of my semen in his burger. YES, semen. We called the cops and they let him go, I guess he was crazy.

Even with these terrible customer service experiences, KingJamesMofo never put them in harms way by altering their food. He did however admit to being an “ass hat.”

I’ve never fucked with someones food or anything. What’s the point… but I can regretfully say, I’ve been a grade A asshat to the customers some days. People can be so freaking stupid ordering food sometimes, it get’s old really quick.

However, his coworkers did not have the same courtesy:

I know this dude ronnie when i first started working there, he used to wipe his hand through his sweaty ass crack and balls before making sandwiches for rude customers. He’d literally pull his hand out of his pants dripping wet and molest someones whopper while our boss just laughed.

BreaKing Bad?


When KingJamesMofo was called out by Redditors for having similar sounding plot lines to the TV series “Breaking Bad,” he just laughed it off:

Haha that’s funny. I actually used to trade food to this dealer for meth, weed and pills then I would sell it on the side through the drive thru. Yea yea I know, I’m the bad guy, but basically everyone there exploited the benefits of working at BK, and yea i know it Doesn’t justify me doing it.

Then the struggle got real:

Burger King was much easier than drug dealing.

The Burger Kingpin then woefully summarized his entire Burger King experience. The drugs, sex and money all made it seem like he was living a hip hop music video, except it was real life.

PixThx: Fission Spaghetti

Owners a coke head, My general manager was a heroin addict, district managers are drunks/cokeheads/addicts in general. A bunch of store managers steal atleast $1000 a day. I’ve even stole a lot from the store. Just a really dysfunctional franchise in general. I’m not even exaggerating, if I lined everyone up in the company you would see a bunch of people high off whatever, just being babbling idiots. One of my cooks used to serve the owner and his son (a district manager) 3 ounces of coke every two weeks.

Could so much corruption really occur in a small, independently owned Burger King franchise in Albuquerque? One man swears by it. One can only hope to never see such grotesque happenings at their own favorite eatery. Beware of the restaurants you frequent, they might just have an employee gathering insane stories.

You know, stories like those read in the Memoirs of a Low-Budget Burger Kingpin.


[BREAKING BAD SPOILER ALERT] Steakhouse to Hold Funeral in Honor of Series


It is done. Finished. The show that consumed five years of my life is over, leaving many of us fans with a hole in our hearts that we must quest to fill. So for any of you fans that felt like you didn’t get closure, or anybody who has ever wanted to attend the funeral of an international drug Kingpin, there might be a solution to your problems.

A steakhouse in Albuquerque New Mexico has decided to throw a funeral for The One Who Knocks on Saturday October 19th at Sunset Memorial Park. The eulogy for Walter White will be delivered by set decorator Michael Flowers, and it can be expected that the people wearing black bowler hats to people not wearing black bowler hats ratio will be greatly skewed from its natural state of nobody wearing black bowler hats.  The reception will be held at Vernon’s Hidden Valley steakhouse, which is featured multiple times in the show, and donations will be made towards Albuquerque Health Care for the Homeless “in memory of Walter White.”

Yes, the funeral is a must for any fans in the area, just make sure not to use the Stevia if they are serving any tea.

H/T Guardian Express Picthx Breaking Bad