British television personality Matthew Hussey, 28, has been helping women hone their courting skills for a few years now, giving them tips and tricks on intercepting the male mind and finding the man that they deserve. Here’s a hint: feed us, sex us and let us sleep. Boom. Dating problems solved.
Well, Hussey has been traveling the globe hosting these seminars for women in the hopes that they can take their newly acquired knowledge and apply it to their every day lives. One woman was inquiring as to who should pay for dinner, and that the guy should always be the one to pay because, “you’re the gentleman here, you’re supposed to pay.” Check out the video below to see his perfect response that both men and women alike will be able to respect.
Since we fancy ourselves to be highly unprofessional advice givers when it comes to love, we here at Foodbeast present to you the ultimate guide to Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re taking the boo out to a swanky candlelight dinner or snuggling in your PJs while knee-deep in Chinese take-out, what you choose to do on that special night speaks volumes about the dynamics of your relationship.
So, in honor of bad chocolate and fat babies shooting arrows in the sky, here’s a comprehensive look into what your Valentine’s Day plans say about your relationship status.
The 5-star restaurant with $$$$ on Yelp
You looked up this place at least 2 weeks ahead of time and made sure it had a Yelp rating of at least 4 stars. You also double checked the reviews to make sure it wasn’t one of those fancy places where they charged $50 for a plate of soggy fettuccine but justified it by the fabulous ocean view. You’re definitely getting laid tonight. That, or you’re both 60 years old and hate each other.
“The Happiest Place on Earth”
Why are you on the teacup ride right now with a bunch of screaming 5 year olds? Oh, yeah, because your S/O is convinced that the churros here are super authentic and the 2-hour wait for “It’s a Small World” is a great time for both of you to beat each other’s single-digit Flappy Bird highscore. On the brightside, you successfully snuck in a handle of vodka — hello, Space Mountain!
Netflix and Chinese Food Night
You’ve been together for at least 3 years and you both know what’s up. You’d rather throw on Ocean’s Eleven and order take-out from your favorite Chinese spot. You’re also the couple that farts around each other and hold contests on who can let one go the loudest. Ew.
The Buffer Group Date
You literally met each other last night but didn’t want to be forever alone, so you invited your friends as a buffer in case your date turned out to be psycho who owns 20 cats. Now you’re awkwardly standing next to each other at a loud dive bar and debating if you should hold hands or not.
The “Surprise” Picnic
You’re either a modern day Casanova who makes bomb tuna sandwiches or you just wanted an excuse to play “Such Great Heights” on the guitar while you both boozed up on two buck chuck.
The Overpriced Gastropub
You wanted to do something “different” for Valentine’s Day. At first you considered sky diving but after you came to your senses, you figured an edgy gastropub would be the next best thing. Now, you’re both nibbling on overpriced truffle fries and feeling super “hip.”
The Mini Golf Date That Precedes First Base
You’re in high school and you have a curfew at 10 pm. That, or you both just really love greasy arcade pizza and you definitely can’t be mad at that.
The Romantic Dinner at Home
You’re a romantic and after watching a few episodes of Iron Chef thought, “Shoot, I could do that.” Now you’re covered in spaghetti sauce and trying to throw in jalapenos for “taste.” It might not be edible, but gosh, aren’t you two the cutest?
The “I Thought You Didn’t Want to Do Anything” Date
You’re the chump who listened to your S/O when they said they “Didn’t feel like doing anything for Valentine’s Day.” You fell for the trap and now you’re alone eating SpaghettiOs and drinking sad beer tears.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day/Singles Awareness Party
You’re single and wanted to show all your friends in relationships what a poor life decision they made. So, you’re throwing a Pinterest-worthy party and only inviting your single friends. There will be strong martinis and you’ll be Instagramming the whole time to make everyone else jealous.
The McDonald’s Date
You did this for Valentine’s Day. Strangely enough, you are now single.
Date photography by Marc Kharrat, 5-Star Restaurant Picthx malteeze
Ahhh, the Paleo Diet. This 21st century brainchild of Dr. Loren Cordain suggests that modern Americans cut out grains, dairy products, refined sugars, and legumes in favor of a diet closer to the one followed by our Paleolithic ancestors. We took four of Cordain’s recommended foods and asked a very intelligent, very healthy-looking caveman to weigh in with some advice for modern Americans hoping to get the true Paleo experience.
Dear Modern Readers,
I get it. I really do. Your eating habits have evolved from tracking mammoths and killing saber-toothed tigers to dollar menus and drive-thrus. You yearn to return to the heavy-browed physical prowess of your Paleolithic ancestors, but don’t quite know where to start. I’m here to help you. Below, I’ve outlined four basic foods of the Paleo Diet and offered some tips to help ease your transition to your healthy, happy, and hairy caveman self.
Beef = Mammoth?
The health benefits of eating “beef” begin with the sheer physical effort required to bring one of these animals down. You will be running and leaking terror-sweat from every pore of your body in order to avoid being trampled and/or gored by your dinner, which means that (assuming you survive) you’ll have burned over five hundred calories before you even take your first bite!
Helpful tip— make sure your spears are sharpened and the “stab” setting is on (hunting with a dull spear is the most common dietary mistake made by modern Americans).
Feathers > Food
Poultry is always a popular choice for cavemen who enjoy spending hours painstakingly yanking individual feathers out of bloody carcasses. When properly caught and prepared, the health benefits of eating poultry include increased manual dexterity and temporary satiation after hours of physical labor.
Helpful tip— go ahead and roast your bird as close to an open flame as possible. The carcinogens from the charred bird won’t begin to affect your health until way past your expected lifespan.
More vegetables, less death
Nothing beats a delicious handful of insect-infested seasonal veggies! Keep in mind that as a Paleolithic human, you probably spend most of your time either hunting things that want to kill you or gathering plants and hoping they won’t. Make sure you’re well-versed on poisonous versus non-poisonous greenery.
Helpful tip— Dirt and urine can overpower the taste of individual vegetables. Make sure you shake off as much soil as possible, and try not to forage too close to animal marking sites.
Fruit is natural Splenda
Since you have no other access to sweet and/or sugary foods, fruit provides a much-needed burst of flavor to your diet. Just be careful while climbing any kind of fruit tree, because a fall and the resulting broken bone could be a Paleolithic death sentence.
Helpful tip— Enjoy fruit while you have it, since the cold climate and short summer months make seasonal fruits a limited luxury. Avoid feelings of deprivation by painting pictures of fruit on the nearest cave wall.
The key to Paleo success is holding your food to a higher standard. Will buying that chocolate cupcake give you nourishment, exercise, weaponry, and an enormous pelt to keep you toasty warm during the winter months? If you answered “no,” you might want to reconsider your eating habits. If you answered “yes,” quit bragging and share your cupcake.