Foodfapping 2012: The Year in Sex-Related Food News

Face it, the best part of not dying during Mayan Doomsday is knowing we still get to enjoy the two things that make this life worth living: Food and sex.

Here’s some of the best, worst, strangest and most OMGWTFBBQ-worthy sex-related news stories we saw this year.

Enter at your own risk.


1. Happy Steak and Blowjob Day!

Celebrated on March 14, AKA “Valentine’s Day for men,” the day for all you ladies out there to “show your man just how much you care.”


2. Whiskey Dick, the World’s First Whiskey-Flavored Lube

The guys from Epic Meal Time made a whiskey-flavored personal lubricant, to use on Steak and Blow Job Day I guess.


3. Selling Sex Out of a Food Truck

Here’s a lesson you can take away from this story about a Long Island food truck owner who tried selling her escort services on the side: Never trust the “secret sauce.”


4. Japanese Artist Cooks Up and Serves Own Genitalia

Can you say sausage fest?


5. How to Drink Wine and Not Fall Asleep Before Sexy Times

Thanks to sex therapist Dr. Ruth, you can now drink wine with only 6% ABV, which is apparently just enough to get you frisky, but not enough for naptime. Finally!


6. Don’t Have Sex With Olive Oil as Lubricant — Or This Can Happen

Hint: Don’t make jokes about Pam Cooking Spray either, ’cause ain’t none of this funny.


7. Mushroom or Masturbation Toy?

That’s the question that plagued one poor Chinese news station, who unfortunately broadcast the wrong answer throughout most of Asia. Oops?


8. Chocolate Penis Cowboy Hats – Yes, Really

Say “howdy” to our little friends.


9. STD Cupcakes – For If You’ve Ever Thought About Banging a Cupcake

Brought to us by a few of the grody minds at Eat Your Heart Out, these disease-ridden clapcakes have actually helped to promote STD awareness. Hell, I believe it. Ew.


10. PETA Makes A Video About Carrot Penises

The secret to staying long and strong? Eat your veggies, apparently. Now there’s something you won’t learn about in sex ed.


11. In more WTF Olive Oil News: Don’t Inject Your Penis With The Stuff — Or This Can Happen

Answer: Your penis won’t grow larger and it’ll actually fall off and die.


12. The 50 Shades of Chicken Cookbook

Possibly the only good thing to come out of this year’s 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. Because topless chefs and BDSM poultry? Hot.


13. Chocolate Viagra?

The EU is raring to release a “natural alternative” to everyone’s favorite little blue pill. According to Angus Kennedy, founder of Kennedy’s Confection trade magazine, “It’s an all-natural ingredient which could give men the legendary staying power of some of the world’s greatest lovers.” Mmmm, sounds super sexy.


5 Cooking Books You Probably Shouldn’t Give Your Grandma for Christmas

The best things in life are usually things your grandma wouldn’t approve of. Like last-minute Vegas trips, triple-stacked whiskey shots and skinny dipping in the midst of winter. Oh, and these cookbooks. Your grandma definitely would NOT approve of these cookbooks. So we took the liberty of featuring these non-grandma friendly recipe books for your personal collection.


1. EpicMealTime CookBook

This precious lil’ thing comes from the charming boys over at EpicMealTime. You know, the geniuses who created Green Pancake Potato Stacks, the Bacon Christmas Tree, the Super Sloppy Valentine’s Day Sundae, etc. All with a healthy helping of  bacon, of course. Luckily, if you’re inebriated enough or just having a craving for insane food, the EpicMealTime CookBook will teach you everything you need to know to make your meal, well, epic.

[$39.99 @ EpicMealTime]


 2. Baked!: 35 Marijuana Munchies to Make and Bake

Gone are the days when you would waste a week’s worth of maryjane in a failed attempt to make mac n’ cheese brownies that ended in the fire department showing up at 3 am. First off, you don’t use a microwave, silly. Second, use shake and save the good stuff for later. Luckily, there’s Baked!, a guide featuring delicious offerings such as “space cakes” and classic hash brownies.

While the authors can’t guarantee that you won’t set your apartment on fire, they do promise that their tried and true recipes will deliver “cannabilicious results every time.”

[$12.99 @ Amazon]


the boozy baker

3. The Boozy Baker

Green Tea and Banana Cake with Sake Syrup, Homemade Bourbon Vanilla Extract and 73 more delicious spiked sweets + 25 cocktail recipes make The Boozy Baker a sheer inebriated delight. There’s nothing like dainty and deviously spirited pastries to perk up those family reunions during the holidays.

[$18.95 @ Amazon]


 4. Your Guide to Making Moonshine, Whiskey, Vodka, Rum …

The first time I had moonshine I was struck by a sudden urge to make the marvelous stuff myself. It was sweeter and more potent than any store-bought liquor I had ever tasted, yet I was at a lost at how to even start the DIY process. Fortunately, The Home Distiller’s Workbook: Your Guide to Making Moonshine, Whisky, Vodka, Rum and So Much More! (Vol.1) gives you a step-by-step walk through of how to make your own badass stash of moonshine and “pretty much any other liquor in the comfort of your own kitchen.”

[$8.99 @ Amazon]


 5. Fifty Shades of Chicken

While most foodies prefer their their meals and BDSM to be separate, there’s nothing wrong with (ahem) semi-nude men delicately handling raw chicken breasts and cooking up such things as “Sticky Chicken Fingers.” While the 50 Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook is a cheeky nod towards the bestselling risqué novel Fifty Shades of Grey, I’m still not complaining about the semi-nude men clad in aprons. And frankly, neither should you.

[$19.99 @ Amazon]