Subway Addresses $5 Footlong Controversy in this Hilariously Fake Onion Report


Turns out anyone trying to get healthy off Subway sandwiches was doing it wrong this entire time. The Onion fictitiously reports that Subway executives meant for the popular $5 footlong special to be split among two people. In fact, they’re in downright disbelief that anyone can tackle a footlong sub all on their own. Who does that, right?

The sandwich chain states that they’re “deeply sorry” if customers were led to believe eating an entire 12-inch sandwich was healthy for them. It was never meant to. In response to angry patrons, Subway modified their marketing strategy, clearing up any misconceptions that a footlong was meant for a single person in one sitting.

Check out the hilarious piece of satire below and you’ll never eat a $5 footlong again. No, you probably will.

By Peter Pham

Pete's favorite foods include pizza, tacos and pretty much any kind of breakfast. He'll usually snap a photo or two while his food cools down.

6 replies on “Subway Addresses $5 Footlong Controversy in this Hilariously Fake Onion Report”

“I guess that wasn’t clear enough.”

LOL, too funny.

I usually always order the footlong. I’ll eat half for lunch and save the other half for dinner. For me the whole thing at once is a lot of food. If I try eating the whole thing, I’ll usually get through only a portion of the 2nd half and then I’m mad at myself for attempting it and destroying a perfectly good 6″ sandwich. So rather than bother trying to eat both halves, I just started saving the other half for another meal.

I used to be able to eat a whole one. My favorite was the seafood and crab footlong on white and I’d sit and plow that whole thing. I don’t know, I just can’t hold as much food as I used to be able to. Which is probably a good thing. I don’t need the calories, haha.

Believe me, I have interest in the footlong. I just can’t eat it all. An 8-9″ sub, which is a typical size from most pizza joints, is about perfect, although that’s a lot of food to me as well. But I CAN finish it if I’m hungry enough.

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