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Subway Addresses $5 Footlong Controversy in this Hilariously Fake Onion Report

Onion-Subway-Footlong

Turns out anyone trying to get healthy off Subway sandwiches was doing it wrong this entire time. The Onion fictitiously reports that Subway executives meant for the popular $5 footlong special to be split among two people. In fact, they’re in downright disbelief that anyone can tackle a footlong sub all on their own. Who does that, right?

The sandwich chain states that they’re “deeply sorry” if customers were led to believe eating an entire 12-inch sandwich was healthy for them. It was never meant to. In response to angry patrons, Subway modified their marketing strategy, clearing up any misconceptions that a footlong was meant for a single person in one sitting.

Check out the hilarious piece of satire below and you’ll never eat a $5 footlong again. No, you probably will.

By Peter Pham

Pete's favorite foods include pizza, tacos and pretty much any kind of breakfast. He'll usually snap a photo or two while his food cools down.

6 replies on “Subway Addresses $5 Footlong Controversy in this Hilariously Fake Onion Report”

“I guess that wasn’t clear enough.”

LOL, too funny.

I usually always order the footlong. I’ll eat half for lunch and save the other half for dinner. For me the whole thing at once is a lot of food. If I try eating the whole thing, I’ll usually get through only a portion of the 2nd half and then I’m mad at myself for attempting it and destroying a perfectly good 6″ sandwich. So rather than bother trying to eat both halves, I just started saving the other half for another meal.

I used to be able to eat a whole one. My favorite was the seafood and crab footlong on white and I’d sit and plow that whole thing. I don’t know, I just can’t hold as much food as I used to be able to. Which is probably a good thing. I don’t need the calories, haha.

Believe me, I have interest in the footlong. I just can’t eat it all. An 8-9″ sub, which is a typical size from most pizza joints, is about perfect, although that’s a lot of food to me as well. But I CAN finish it if I’m hungry enough.

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