Categories
#foodbeast Hit-Or-Miss Humor

8 Popcorn Toppings And The Moviegoers Who Choose Them

Popcorn is the best snack to have at the movies. It just embodies all that you’re about with a day or night at the theater: slight escapism. You’re not looking to get crazy, but you clearly want to treat yourself. How you do it, though, is up to you, whether it’s well mannered or really going for it. Here’s a few routes to take.

1. Regular

You’re not a wild man or woman, but you make solid decisions. People respect that about you. Maybe you bought popcorn for the group and don’t want to try anything fancy because it may snub a member’s tastes. It’s possible you fear losing your reputation as a reliable person, or it comes down to the fact that you just like things the way they are. A dip or two of butter and a pinch of salt is as far as you’ll go, but even that’s calling it close.

2. Salt

4338366818_8f2b646ac8_b

We’re not talking a civil sprinkling here. This isn’t a polite kiss of salt that’s going to delight any and all. No, this is the addition of salt that makes you wonder if heart disease runs in your family. It’s the kind where you spend the movie realizing you might die in your seat, frenzied up with questions about yourself, like why you have this affinity for salty things and how it may be a problem. But you don’t stop because you don’t want to stop. It’s just too good. Salt is life! You’re practically high on the stuff!

3. Flavored Toppings (Butter, Caramel, etc.)

article-2596117-1CC6514B00000578-886_634x805

I know this seems like one of the safest moves, but it’s absolutely not. This is such a reckless all-or-nothing deal. It’s like trying to diffuse a flavor bomb. If you nail the ratio, you’re pretty much destined to become a fabled hero. If you add too much, which is all too easy, that voluptuous bag of popcorn is ruined. You then have to buy another one or boldly ask for an empty bag to try and salvage it.

4. Chocolate Candy

snickers-caramel-popcorn-tile

Here’s an umbrella move that could mean anything from Junior Mints to a broken-up Butterfinger. It’s all delicious, that sultry yet classic bite of sweet and salty, and yet it doesn’t ring as store-bought. You feel some ownership, like you successfully cooked up a dish without reading the recipe at the snack bar. Personally, I’m a Reese’s Pieces kind of guy, but it’s all pretty killer.

5. Gummy Candy

img_6884

This is an acquired taste, maybe even simply niche. It’s got a specific taste and texture that you might not be ready for (or even be that kind of the person). It’s probably for people with really strong jawlines. I mean, there is some serious chewing involved here. People are probably going to think you’re trying to kick cigarettes. Don’t be fooled though, because if you are the type of person who enjoys this, you really enjoy it.

6. Jalapenos

FC_popcorn-single

This is an underutilized move. It’s got boldness; it’s got sass. Butter and spice and everything nice are at play, and you feel like a king or queen scarfing it down. Of course this combination works, you pridefully think with each handful every time you make this magic happen at the movies. They’ll make a statue out of me someday, you consider, already delusional with pride before the full lights go down. Do work, me, you likely whisper before licking your salty pickled lips.

7. Nacho Cheese

Nacho Cheese

Did you come here to ball or what? This is a game-changer move, or it at least feels like you’re pulling a sly run out of the naughty playbook. “You’re just replacing chips with popcorn,” some yokel might say with a dismissive shrug. Your reply should be obvious: “Oh, I’m just replacing chips with popcorn?” What, like this is an everyday occurrence? Hell no, make them take it back. You did the unthinkable. Where’s your biopic?

8. Tapatio & Lemon Pepper

IMG_2433 (1)

This is if you’re straight up just down to bring your own gear from home. It’s an insanely delicious combo, but this is you playing God. If you get carried away with hot sauce power, be sure to bring a spoon, because you’re going to have to eat it like cereal. If you’re capable of restraint, bring a bottle of Tapatio, not some measly packets. Go big or go home, you know? Oh, you do? Okay, good. Yeah, you look like a confident person.

See you at the movies!

By Jake Kilroy

Raised by handsome wolves, Jake Kilroy is a liberal atheist vegan, so he’s naturally adored and celebrated at any dinner party he attends. Follow him on Twitter at @jakekilroy.

Leave a Reply